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A Canadian company was looking to hire someone for an important position. They interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours. The one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers. The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer." The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Newfoundland, said "I'm not exactly sure, but
I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: The Newfoundlander got the job. A Canadian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. American: "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?" Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course." American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian listens in silence. The American persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" Canadian: "Of Course." American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada." The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk. Canadian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" American: "We throw them away, of course." Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America." After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago. So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200 metres and headlines in US papers read: "US scientists have found traces of silica, indicating 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians." One week later, Canadian newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 500 metres, Canadian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using wireless technology.
You Know You're From Canada When ......
You Know You're From Canada When (part 2)......
An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards
away from the North Dakota
border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute
between the United States and Canada
for years.
COMPARISONS FROM DOWN UNDER
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when
abroad.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who
belong to your club.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football,
baseball, and basketball.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it
"English".
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they
live on an island.
Americans: Drink weak, urine-tasting beer.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally
suspect.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and
avoid assimilation.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of
it.
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo
Serious.
Brits: Are obsessed with the Queen, and royal family
peccadilloes.
Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their
past citizens.
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.-David Steinberg
On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland,son". The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. "Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18." An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob. "Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade." Why does a Canadian cross the road? Answer- To get to the middle. What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot? Answer- "sorry" How Canada got its name: When J.A. MacDonald and Friends were trying to figure out the name of this greatplace, someone had a great idea. Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them - That will be the new name of this place.. So they did so..
1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C" eh!? I bet you don't know the differance between a Canadian and a canoe , Hmmm, give up?? Ok ok....A canoe tips...
When a Canadian thinks of Hell..he wonders what the heating bill must be.
At parties, a Canadian asks you upstairs so he can examine your caulking and get the name of your weatherstripping man.
A Canadian woman burns her bra only if she's out of wood.
A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills of life when snow doesn't stick to his shovel.
In Canada they have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
And our favorite, when you cross the border on your way south you can see a add saying: "Welcome to the U.S.of A: we've got Bob Hope Johnny Cash and Stevie Wonder" On your way back (going into Canada) the sign reads: "Welcome to Canada; here we have Hope, no Cash...no Wonder!
Q:How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians?
A: "Excuse me, could everyone please get out of the
pool?" One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flys landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the head of the beer. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"
Met a guy the other day and asked him if he had lived in Canada all his life. "Not yet." was the answer.
Some bankers sure are dumb. I took some Canada Savings Bonds in, and they asked me, "Do you want them redeemed or converted?" A bit put out at their ignorance, I replied "What are you, a bank or a church?"
In the summer of 1988 there was a fierce sandstorm in Saskatchewan. A farmer found a hat laying in his field. He picked it up and found the head of his neighbour, very much alive. "Wow, exclaimed the farmer", I'll get a shovel and dig you out!" "You better bring a backhoe," was the response, "I'm sitting on a horse!"
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people". God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth idiots I'm putting next to them...."
My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.-David Steinberg One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian beer. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!" On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie out did them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son". The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. "Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18." An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here." "That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his." A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?" "I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.
"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade." Why does a Canadian cross the road? Answer- To get tothe middle. What does a Canadian say when you step on his foot?Answer- "sorry" How Canada got its name: When J.A. MacDonald and Friends were trying to figure out the name of this greatplace, someone had a great idea. Let's stick all the letters into a hat and draw 3 of them - That will be the new name of this place..So they did so..
1st letter is pulled and the guy shouts - "C" eh!? I bet you don't know the differance between a Canadian and a canoe , Hmmm, give up?? Ok ok....A canoetips... When a Canadian thinks of Hell..he wonders what theheating bill must be. At parties, a Canadian asks you upstairs so he canexamine your caulking and get the name of your weatherstrippingman. A Canadian woman burns her bra only if she's out ofwood. A Canadian considers it one of the great thrills of life when snow doesn't stick to his shovel.
A Canadian woman doesn't worry if her shoes fit her
feet as long as they fit in the plastic bag she
carries them in from October to April. In Canada they have two Seasons...six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling. And our favorite, when you cross the border on your way south you can see a add saying: "welcome to the U.S.of A:we've got Bob Hope Johnny Cash and Stevie Wonder" On your way back(going into Canada) the sign reads: "Welcome to Canada; here we have Hope, no Cash...no Wonder! Q:How do you empty a swimming pool of Canadians?
A: "Excuse me, could everyone please get out of thepool?" Met a guy the other day and asked him if he had lived in Canada all his life. "Not yet." was the answer. Some bankers sure are dumb. I took some Canada Savings Bonds in, and they asked me, "Do you want them redeemed or converted?" A bit put out at their ignorance, I replied "What are you, a bank or a church?" In the summer of 1988 there was a fierce sandstorm in Saskatchewan. A farmer found a hat laying in his field. He picked it up and found the head of his neighbour, very much alive. "Wow, exclaimed the farmer", I'll get a shovel and dig you out!" "You better bring a backhoe," was the response, "I'm sitting on a horse!" "He runs afoul of the community because ants aren't really known for their innovation. They're mostly known for their strictly regimented society - much like Canadians." Dave Foley, describing the rebellious six legged character he voiced in 'A Bug's Life" (as reported in the Winnipeg free Press Feb. 21,1999).
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WITworld™ Humor Center, WITnews™ Humor Ezine, The Blue Flame™ Parody Mag, and WITSTERblog™ are produced by it's CEO, Head Cheese, and main witster, Paul C. Vincent™. Original material appearing on this site and in Wit-news™, The Blue Flame, or the Witsterblog are produced for the sole enjoyment of readers and are not to be reproduced in any way, shape or form without express written permission. Request same at Except with respect to the posted work of others and identified as such, all material © Copyright(c) Paul C. Vincent, 1998-2005, all rights reserved.
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