Seasons In The Sun
Chapter 20: Nicola
A moment in time is all that's given you and me, a moment in time and it's something you should seize.
I was awake, I heard him tell Georgina he knew. I'd known it too, the minute they told me their suspicions. I found the lump about a month ago, but I was in denial about what it could be. I shouldn't have, maybe, just maybe if I'd been more careful about checking I could have found it sooner, then maybe.... I knew Mark was in terrible pain, I can't stand the thought of causing him any more pain than I already have, but he's going to worry, no matter what I say. I dodn't want to think of my little Michelle Melissa growing up without me.
Three days later the results were through. Mark had refused to work again until he knew what was going on and if I was going to be okay. She took me in privately, but the look on her face said it all, and before she could speak, I asked her to let Mark in too. I grabbed Mark's hand tight, and he held back with both hands. That woman spoke the worst words that had ever been said to me. "Mrs Feehily, I'm afraid you have a cancerous tumor in your left breast." I sat in silence, the only sound was from Missy, doodling on a table nearby. I stared at Missy as I spoke. "Is it serious?" "Yes" "Then please remove my daughter from the room before you go on" a nurse came in and took Missy out into the reception area. "Go on" I said "The tumor's malignant." I closed my eyes, feeling the fear rise up. Mark didn't understand "When can you take it out?" "We can't, it's spread too far." "Are you trying to tell me there's nothing you can do?" "We can make her as comfortable as possible." I spoke up "How long?" "A year, two at most." I felt a single tear slide down my cheek. Mark was still denying what was happening. I could hear the repressed emotion in his voice. "Are you telling me she's dying?" "I'm so sorry" He held me, he did his best to comfort me, telling me it would be okay. He was trying to convince himself more than anything else.
Mark refused to go back to work, Ronan understood more than anyone else, but the story wasn't released. Press flooded our street, trying to find out if Mark had quit the band. He told them evenly that he was not quitting the band, but he was needed at home, "My family come first." Of course they then wanted to know what was wrong, but they were told nothing. Mark nursed me day and night as my strength slowly faded. I knew that the doctor had exaggerated, I had no where near a year or two to live, it was only months. I was getting worse fast, and it had only been four months since I found out. I tried to lead a normal life, going shopping once a week with Mark and Missy, going out some evenings with Georgina, Nicky, Shane, Gemma and Mark, sometimes Kian came along, but he never seemed comfortable. I think it was hard for him to accept my condition, he wanted to spend as much time with me as he could, yet knowing he couldn't. He had no right. The band promoted the single that they'd released at the time I found out, without Mark, then they took an indefinate leave of absence. One night in January, nearing the date Bryan left us, the fatigue was worse than I'd ever felt it. Everyone was round with us watching a slushy video, our favourite "Dirty dancing" Georgina came out to the kitchen with me when I went to get a drink. "I saw you struggling to get up. Is it worse?" "Yes G, I don't like to say but I think... I think" I started to cry, Georgina put her arms around me. "I think it's nearly time." "Shhh, don't think about it. You know we'll all miss you don't you." "I know, and I'll see. Please do everything you can for Mark and Missy. You're the best friend I ever had Georgina, I'm going to miss you." "I'll miss you too." We went back when I'd sorted myself out. I took my place on the sofa between Mark and Shane, my feet flung up beside me, lying across both of them. Gemma was perched on the armrest, Kian on the floor at her feet, Georgina and Nicky entwined on the love seat. I looked around at my friends, as I did every time, as if it would be the last. Mark held me tighter as the film drew to a close. "You remember this dance from our wedding?" he whispered into my ear. I smiled up at him, "How could I forget?" It wasn't long after the credits rolled that Shane saw Gemma yawn, and got up to leave, he reached down to hug me and kiss my cheek and told me to get plenty of rest. Gemma hugged me and told me she'd see me tomorrow for our shopping trip. I held back the tears thinking that I wouldn't see tomorrow. Michelle Melissa toddled into the room, rubbing sleep from her eyes. She came over to me and climbed into my knee, hugging me. She wanted me to come and tuck her in. "I already did." "I didn't brush my teeth, do it again mummy, please?" Kian Nicky and Georgina got up to leave, Mark carried Missy to the door, I wasn't able to any more. Nicky hugged me goodbye with a smile on his face, so did Kian for the first time in years, but he did it with a look of sadness. It must have been obvious. Mark set Missy down and told her to go brush her teeth. Georgina grabbed me and hugged me, I felt her start to sob. "I don't want to go Nikki, I want to stay with you." "Go G, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I was denying it still. Kian squeezed my hand slightly before he left, and I knew he knew. He knew me almost as well as Mark. I closed the door behind them and leaned on it heavily. Swallowing the lump in my throat. Mark just looked at me, then embraced me, I felt his tears wet my neck. "Hey, none of that honey. I'll go put the baby to bed." "I'm not a baby" retorted Missy from the doorway "I know sweetheart, you're growing up so fast." I told her, my voice breaking.
Missy didn't know I was dying. "Go brush your teeth" she skipped off to the bathroom. I turned to Mark.