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Seasons In The Sun
Chapter 5: Kian
I've got no fear of losing you, you can't lose what you never had
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It was in February 2008 that Mark proposed to Nicola. It was then I realised what a fool I'd been, watching in the shadows. Watching them fall more and more in love. Why hadn't I told her sooner? Well, it wasn't too late. She's not married yet. I'll get my chance to tell her I love her. I need her to know, even if she isn't interested. Time is running out, so damn my foolish pride. It's Bryan's 25th Birthday, two months later, I might finally get my chance. |
When the happy couple arrived, an immediate vibe went into the party atmosphere. Looking at Nicola's red eyes, I thought, uh-oh, trouble in paradise. It was a sign, it had to be. I stood near Shane and heard Mark tell him of their fight. Seems the boy wonder wanted to set a date for the wedding and she wasn't ready. Could it be she was holding out for... no, probably not. But I could hope. I watched her from across the room all night, knocking back drink after drink. I'd never saw her drink so much. Mark hadn't either, judging by the concerned look on his face. But his pride was as bad as mine, it kept him from speaking up, thank God.[Please bear in mind that these were my thoughts at the time - I regret every word now]. Nearing midnight, I watched Mark go over to Bryan, pat him on the back and tell him he was leaving, and to put Nicola to bed when she finally passed out. As the door closed behind him I ran my hand through my hair, freshly dyed dark brown, and tried to summon the courage to go talk to her. By the time I did, Shane, Gemma, Georgina and Nicky had left, leaving only Bryan, Susan (Bryan's sister), Ronan, Yvonne and Nicola. Nicola walked unsteadily to the kitchen, presumably to get another drink. I followed her. She was leaning heavily on the wall, and fell backwards into my arms when I came in. She looked at me through her drunken haze, but all I could see were those gorgeous hazel eyes I loved about her. She righted herself against the wall again, turning her back on me. I blundered ahead anyway. "Nicola, I need to tell you something. I... I... I love you. I always have done" she turned round and threw herself into my arms, "Oh, I've been wanting you to say that all night!' she cried. She had? I thought. "Oh Mark. I love you too, you know that don't you? I'm just not ready yet. I want you to be working less when we get married, so we can spend our first few months together." I think that's what she said. She was slurring her words so much, I couldn't really make it out. An idea dawned in my mind. She thought I was Mark. If only I could make her see how it could be with me. I held her tight and told her about the back bedroom in Bryan's flat. I told her I was sorry about the whole mess, and told her I wanted to make it up to her. She let me pick her up and carry her to the room. I closed the door, hearing Bryan close the door after the last of the guests, and go to his own room at the other side of the flat. I turned and looked at Nicola. She couldn't see very well, she was looking at a space on the other side of the room. I went to her, I held her. She slipped her arms around my neck and I thought I was in heaven. Against all the odds she was here with me, and as I kissed her, I slipped into oblivion, into a world where I saw the two of us together, forever. It was only when she started to whisper Mark's name instead of mine did I emerge from that dream, and with tears in my eyes at what I'd done, I held her as she went to sleep. I held her all night, knowing that it would be the only time.
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heard the creek of the door hinges the next morning. I knew without opening my eyes that it was Bryan checking on her. The door closed again sharply and re opened again seconds later. I felt Nicola's weight shift as she sat up. I still had my arm over her legs, and I felt her whole body tense. I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't the ear piercing scream that Nicola let out of her. Screams of pain and fear came rolling out of her mouth as it dawned on her what had happened. It was then I realised what I'd done to her. She'd never get over this. And what had I gained? The knowledge of what I was missing, and I'd fallen even more hopelessly in love with her. I wanted her so much, and I couldn't have her. |
I sat up, glanced at her quickly, sobbing in Bryan's arms. Gathered my clothes and fled to the bathroom. I was still in there when I heard the front door open and Mark call out to Bryan. I heard him run past the door into the room, heard him tell her it was alright, he was sorry and he understood. His presence only made her crying worse. I slipped out the door undetected and wondered what the hell to do.