What is it about working retail that makes me hate people? Is it the fact that, in my position, I come face to face with pretty much any type of person in the world? Or that, because I see any type of person in the world, I come in contact with some of the worst people you could expect to meet?

It's amazing, really. Most people with whom I come in contact are nice, pleasant, a joy to be around. I hope I don't bother them as I do my job. However, there are those people that you wish a) had never been born, and b) would never procreate, simply because we don't need people like this around.

These are the people who are rude, crude, and generally boorish. The people who would get me fired if I made some sort of comment to their faces as to how, well, stupid they are. So of course I can't say anything to them when they're standing in front of me.

What might I say if given the chance? Aside from four-letter words (which I prefer not to use, actually...I'm really a good person at heart), here are some choices:

--What part of "It's Sunday and my store just opened an hour ago so I can't break your $100 bill" do you not understand? Wait until I have at least five sales before you pull out one of those babies. I don't care if you are Christmas shopping. It's called ask the bank teller for smaller bills, or spend more money here. Trust me. You seem like the type who could use a little more culture in your life. The TV Guide is not acceptable reading material.

--Why in the world would you get mad at your child for wanting to go into a bookstore? Did your own parents not love you enough to read to you as a child?

--Don't you even dare get mad at me for checking the signature on the back of your credit card. Do you know how many people *don't* check? This is how crooks spend thousands of dollars under your name after they've stolen your card. What's even worse are the people who have a credit card with their spouse's name on the card, with the spouse's signature, who get mad at me 'cause I won't take the card. Don't pull that "I just used it at Carson's" crap on me. That's called THEY'RE NOT CHECKING YOUR CARD. Do you not get that? Take it up with your credit card company and get a card in your name. Also, DO NOT leave the back of the card blank...you don't have to sign it, per se, but at least put "See I.D." or something similar on the back. Why? If you leave it blank, and your card is stolen, the thief could sign the back and, guess what, the signatures would match! Amazing how that works. With "See I.D.," you have a good way of telling which salesclerks even bother checking signatures versus those who don't.

--What is it with people who pay by check but don't have their own pens? You *know* you're going to pay by check. What's so hard about carrying a pen? I totally hate it when people reach behind my counter and start digging around for a pen. Do I go into your house and start digging around for stuff? No. Believe it or not, that's what it's akin to. It's just plain rude and shows me that you're too stupid to plan ahead for things.

--Oh, oh, another huge pet peeve of mine involves people reaching behind the counter and grabbing their bags from me, particularly before I'm done with the sale. It's not like I have a flat counter on which everything rests. You have to physically reach over and behind the counter to get to the stuff. I don't reach over into your purse to grab your money, do I? And maybe I like handing your bags to you. It's part of my service to you. Besides, what if your check or credit card is declined? That's called stealing from me, and I don't like that.

--What the hell is wrong with you people who refuse to hand me your money or credit cards? Is it too hard for you to put the items in my hand? Don't tell me you're afraid of germs, 'cause I don't even want to tell you where some of those dollar bills have been. And it's not like I'm gonna French you as you do it. (Trust me. Some of you people are nasty.) You don't even have to come in physical contact with me as you do it, either. But no. For the cash users, you'll put it on the counter--or behind the counter, meaning you have to stretch and reach over to do that. Hello, that's my job. Or you hand me the money on top of what you're buying. Do you want me to try and lose your money? 'Cause, trust me, I can do that. The fact that you're not holding onto your money for dear life shows me that you have no regard for it. Maybe you deserve to have $20 "lost" every so often. And as for you credit card people, you better watch where you put that card. My store, for example, has a demagnetizing machine behind the counter. For some reason, people LOVE putting their credit cards on it. Sure, it only demags when I step on the foot pedal, but hello, feet slip, and bye-bye magnetic stripe. My total faves are the people who literally throw their cards at you. Don't tempt me to cut up your card right then and there. If you can't use it properly, then you don't deserve to have one at all.

--If something's in plastic, there's a reason for it. *Ask* if you can open it. If you're nice, chances are I'll say yes. If I do it, I know how to do it so the product stays nice, keeps its price tag, whatever. Or, in the case of adult materials (yeah, porno mags), guess what--you'll just have to shell out the $7.99 to peek at the boobies. What's better are the parents who encourage their kids to open stuff up. Oh my Lord, what the hell is wrong with you? You want to try a book out? It's called the library. Chances are your tax dollars go to support one. You're really teaching kids the importance of respecting someone else's property by letting them open up and play with something that they don't own.

--Stores are NOT free babysitting services. If something happens to your kid while you're off gallivanting around the mall, that's your own damn fault. (Okay, so I use some four-letter words. I try not to use them all.) Glad you thought that new pair of shoes was worth more to you than your own child.

--The best part about working at a bookstore are the people who call or come in and say, "I'm looking for a book." Really! I had no idea! It's a good thing you came to us instead of the jewelry store down the hall, now isn't it? And all the time we get people who forget an author or title of a book but they're still interested in locating said book. No big deal. We do what we can. However, a small percentage of customers seem to think that we shelve books by color...i.e., "I'm looking for a book with a yellow cover." Oh, that's great; we just put all of our yellow books over here. (And you wonder why the ...for Dummies books are all yellow!)

--I don't know why people think returning items is such a hassle. If you think there's a chance that what you're buying might be returned, just ask what the store's policy is. Seriously. It's that easy. And if you didn't ask, and you can't get back to the store in a timely fashion, there's this wonderful device you can use. It's called a phone. You use it to call the store to find out what you can do about returning the stuff you don't need. And, if the store is a chain store, chances are you can return the item to any of the chain's stores, not just the one where you bought the stuff. Amazing how that works.

There's more than that, trust me. Just give me time.

Are you a person like that? If you see yourself in any of the above situations, there is hope for you. It's called using the brain the good God gave you and thinking before you act. Or get your own website and rant about stupid salesclerks.