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There's no time for hesitating
Pain is ready, pain is waiting
Primed to do it's educating
...
What you take won't kill you
But careful what you're giving
...
Can you feel a little love?
Dream on

--Depeche Mode, Dream On

Yeah, so like 2003's been a real fuckin' bitch thus far. But I guess I should start at the beginning, huh? Not that it matters. Bygones and all that happy horse shit.

Should I start like David Copperfield? I am Born, I Observe, I have a Change.... Okay, so maybe you weren't expecting me to rip off that faggot movie with those pussy vampires, only I acutally quote it proper. Speaking of, they're real you know. Vampires, that is. Source of my problems, really. Life was just grand until I started fucking with the damn suckheads. And I do mean that literally. Oh and have a "change" I did, and it weren't no goddamn menopause. Oh, no.

But anyway, back to my story.

I am Born

To begin my life with the beginning of my life... Yeah, okay sorry. But for serious. My mom? She was a royal cunt if ever there was one. Oh, don't get me wrong, I loved her. But she was one of those women you want to stab in the throat and then fuck the hole just to get her to shut the hell up. Yeah so my childhood wasn't all Legos and Light Brights and Silly Putty. No Archie comics for little Billy Holdren. None of that bullshit, nope. Mom had me at home in '77. Never knew who my dad was. Probably one of those old fuckers she was always takin' care of and stealing shit from. That, or one of their ingrate asshole kids. Fuckers used to stop by the house looking for my mom once in a while complainin' that she didn't change the sheets or the bedpans or whatever. What was I supposed to do about that? I was just a kid.

I Observe

Can't tell you about public schools in Brooklyn cos it weren't too often that I saw the insides a one. And when I did I was usually stuck at the office for fighting. I didn't start shit though. No, seriously. I was one of those quiet skinny kids that looked like everbody's punching bag. Turns out I had a mean left hook. Highschool was bullshit, so I didn't go. Mom didn't care. Said she could teach me everything I needed to know.

She taught me enough. But soon there weren't nothing more she could show me.

She didn't like me bringin' girls home too much. Ain't it sweet? I had my first goddamn highschool sweetheart and ain't nothin' Mom could say but what a whore she was. Screw that shit. She was just jealous that someone else was getting a little bit of the Holdren Love Hammer. So yeah. Mom and I don't talk much any more. Heh. Yeah, she don't talk to anyone much anymore.

But that's when everything went freaky.

I have a Change

Meant fuckin' literally, I assure you. I won't bother with the details (an' if I did, I'd have ta kill ya cos the cops would love to know about it) but I'm guessin' the puberty you went through weren't nothin' on this. Talk about hair in new places... Yeah, so after that I'm hangin' in Manhatten down at the Bowery. Squattin' with the punk kids (left over wannabe's, Grunge was the shit in '91) and gettin' a feel for what I consider Real Life. There's some folks that'll tell you life in the city is dead, that it's all safe and coddled and shit. Fuckin' lies all of it. The streets are a whole new kind of wilderness. Shit's always goin' down and I learned how to handle myself when I was out there. Wheelin', dealin', and that fun crap.

But you know it couldn't last. Nothin' good ever does.

I fall into Disgrace

That's when they found me. At first I weren't too happy about it. Like I said, I was doin' good. Hell, I was doing better 'n good. I was The Man, even if I was only 14. Even the sheep know a wolf when they see one. It's like they can sense it. And some chicks? They can't wait to spread their legs for ya. It's like they see you're bad assed and figure they let you fuck 'em, you'll take care of 'em. Stupid bints. Got me a lotta pussy though so I ain't complainin'.

I am sent away from Home

But so anyway, this is when the Big Bads come along and show me the New Way. Well, weren't really new, but it was new to me. Seems I'm like, part of this fuckin' gang that started in Scotland couple thousan' years ago, give or take. I got the old blood in me. Lost cub, they said. Changing blood. Turns out this ain't nothin' unique. And here I thought it was just me 'n' Michael Landon. So they take me down to Newark, En Jay to meet "the family". DopeTown everyone calls it, but the old farts say the place is called the "Hive of Better Living Through Chemicals". Sounds like a crock a shit to me, but what the fuck do I care? But if I thought my shit was fucked up before, I was wrong.

So wrong.

So yeah, like things have changed. I changed. I learned. I saw things. Things that fucking tweaked my gourd so hard I had to reevaluate what I was doing and why. Turns out there's a fuckin' point to things other than just getting off. Who knew? My Transmogrification was an easy one, I'm told. That's news to fuckin' me. I swear, sometimes I still wake up cryin'. And if you friggin' tell anyone I told you that I'll make what happened to Richard Guerrero look like a mother fuckin' square dance. (And in case you don't know who Richard freakin' Guerrero was, he was a "friend" of ol' Jeffy Dahmer's, k'? No, Dahmer wasn't one of "us". He was just one sick little monkey, god love 'im. )

I enlarge my circle of Acquaintence

So I'll just skip all my "coming of age" bull shit because you don't wanna hear about it anyway. Or more to the point I don't feel like telling you about it. I'm a New Moon, did I tell you that? Yeah, well it's some mystical spiritual mumbo jumbo meaning I'm a goddamn rebel. For serious. It's my job to be an asshole. Some of the formal types call it being a "Questioner of the Way". What it means is, I get to give everyone crap and point out how fucked up their ideas are. It also means I gotta think a new ones. No problem. So's I get this idea to head to this leech pit, also known as the Amarantus Hotel. Figure I'll get in with the undead and start holy hell. You know they got this whole little sub-culture goin' on? Like the Macarena or some junk. Means they're supposed to be on the low-down. Like the Veil. They even got a king, the one in The City's called Trent Moore, the candy ass. But something about him....

So anyway, I figure I monkey-wrench the bitches and major chaos ensues. You know, kill some blood suckers, get their whole little organization into an uproar. That shit. That's when I hook up with Iris. I can pick a mark. I can pick tight cunny. So nice when they come together in one package. Only shit didn't work out like I hoped.

See, I had this sweet fuckin' opportunity. Iris is a prude right? So I gotta go slow. I'm a predator, I like the hunt as much as the next guy, so I play it up. Wolf in sheep's clothing, all that. But so anyway, one night she's just like, there. She don't know it but it's time for her to get a little taste of my brand o' magic. The old in-out, in-out. But so I work the trick on her like Yrgrut taught me, "Our Little Secret". It's a Rite so's she don't remember exactly what all happens. She gets this crazy idea some old boyfriend she's still mooning over raped her ass. Well okay, not her ass (wish I'd thought of it then!) but you know what I'm sayin'. See, I let her mind do it's own work - works best that way sometimes even if it's a little weaker. At least I thought it was best at the time.

So she's all over me to kill this pussy name a Ricki or some crap. I dunno. But anyway her bitch dyke girlfriend (Topaz for those who don't know) is all suspicious. Her and her idiot husband decide they're gonna help Iris remember what "really" happened. Yeah, so long story short, they do.

I Become Neglected, and Am Provided For

Meanwhile I'm still networking. I hook up with this crazy undead bitch named Moira - she's a sweet lay, if a bit unenthusiastic. In fact she was present at Iris' deflowering (har har har), but I digress. So I'm all up in Moira's shit, right? An' she tells me the Leech King - Trent - has his eye on me. He wants me to work some o' my werewolf mojo. I'm down with that. In return he covers my ass. Food, lodging, all that.

Did I mention I landed a security job at the Amarantus? No? Well I did. I figure how better to mess with the suckheads than if I know what they're all up to. Fuck and perks include me watching the women's shitter, free booze and a room. Yeah, so I'm in with Trent, I got Moira providing me with a fine fuckin' buffet (seems she likes to carve up bodies, but doesn't know what to do with them after) and Tanner. Tanner's a Galliard, an' his daddy's loaded but dude watches my back. Mostly.

But so back to Iris. So, you know what she does? She figures the way to get back at me for poppin' her cherry (long over due, I might add) is to cut my damn dick off. Can you belive that shit? She damn well almost did too, the slag. Thankfully I gots T-bone and Moira to pull my fat outta the fire. Crap, they really did ya know?

I Begin Life on My Own Account, and Don't Like It

So the King of Suckheads starts gettin' impatient. He wants me to unleash one of the Urges on a certain as-yet-unnamed vampire. (What, you think I'm gonna say who? Get real, ass hole.) Well, I manage to hook up with Abhorra (Urge of Hate to you morons) which was a miracle in and of itself. I mean, I might be good, but I ain't no fuckin' Theurge. But that's one of the bennies of being a New Moon. Ain't no one tellin' me what I can't do. So Abby, she like, needs hatred or betrayal. I figure I got the perfect offering: Iris. I throw her to the wolves (batta bing!) and she gets all heart broken and Abby eats it up. We gots yer Urge of Hate right here!

Oh yeah, betrayal: Iris forgave me for putting my heat seeker in 'er uninvited. Figured the whole dick on a stick thing makes us even. I ain't so sure about that. I wonder if she could grow back her love muff if I made like an East African and cut it off.

So anyways, me an' Tanner, we stick Iris. Turns out you put some wood into a leech, and I mean the real thing, and they get all Johnny Got His Gun on ya. I been puttin' enough of the other kind in enough leeches to know that they react about the way everyone else does: total fucking awe. But so I'm thinkin', Abby would like that she-bitch Topaz better cause she actually hates my ass. And I do mean hate, though secretly I think she wants me. They say there's a fine line and all, and I can promise you that you ain't had dick until you had werewolf dick. Partial transformation: imagine the possibilities. Yeah, and like Iris is mine and I don't share well. I been fuckin' her for a few months now and I'm kinda used to it. But so anyway, I must have a fucking mental problem because that cunt Topaz fucks my shit up a-fucking-gain. Her damn dirt star of a husband, Jaden, manages to whisk Iris away somehow. Don't ask me how cos I don't fuckin' know.

Liking Life on My Own Account No Better, I Form a Great Resolution

So having fucked up again, I figure I better blow town. Tanner's not gonna be thrilled with my ass (or probably more accurately, he would be thrilled with it. Or by it.) and probably anglin' to take control of our little pack, sell me out to the elders at the Hive. She-bitch and company are gonna be gunnin' for me not to mention that I promised Moore I'd be unleashing the dogs of war for him, but didn't. So Atlantic City starts lookin' good. Only thing is, being on the lam sucks donkey balls. Big, raw, hairy ones and I ain't into tea baggin'.

So who calls me, feeling all sorry for me and shit? That's right: Iris. Well, I get this idea. It's a good one too.

Only I'm still workin' on it, so you'll just have to wait like every-fuckin'-one else. But don't worry, when you find out you're going to cream those little pants of yours.

I did.

Not about to see your light
But if you wanna find hell with me
I can show you what it’s like
'Til your bleeding

--Danzig, Mother

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