A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me a shot of jagermeister, I'm celebrating". And the bartender says, "What are you celebrating?" And the guy says, "I'm celebrating my first blow job." And the bartender says, "Congratulations, have another shot on the house." And the guy says, "You better get me 6 more of these cause I need them to get the taste of that dick in my mouth."
One ovarie says to the other ovarie, "Hey, did you order any furniture?" The other ovarie syas, "No, why?" And the other ovarie says "Well, there's a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in."
A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking. After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for oral sex. "No," says the young woman, "you won't respect me." So the young man is content to wait. After they had been dating a few months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral sex. Again she replies, "No, you won't respect me." Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride,"Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and respect you. Can we please have oral sex?" "No," she says, "I just know that if I do that you won't respect me." So the man waits...and waits...and waits. After 20 years of marraige the man says, "Honey, we've been together for 20 wonderful years now. We've raised three beautiful kids. You know that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex, just once?? Please??" and the wife finally gives in to her husband's wish and performs oral sex on him. After she is done they are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone rings. The husband turns to his wife and says, "Answer that you cocksucker."
This guy's going on a business trip and while he's gone, he dosen't want his wife fucking every guy in town. So he goes down to a local sex toy shop and asks the clerk what he's got. "Well, sir, we got the dildos, strap-ons, vibrators, those are our most popular." And the guy says, "No, no! My wife has all that shit! I need something...I don't know...different." The clerk looks at the man and reaches under the counter and pulls out a wooden box covered in dust and says, "This, my friend, is the Voodoo Dick!" He pulls the cover off and there's a very ordinary looking dildo inside. "Big fucking deal!" says the man, "It looks like every other cock in the shop!" And the clerk says, "But you haven't seen what it can do yet! Voodoo, dick the door!" and the voodoo dick rises up and shoots into the key hole of the door and starts fucking the shit out of it! And just before the door is about to explode, the clerk says, "Voodoo, back in your box!" The voodoo dick stops and cruises on back to its box. "How much!" yelled the man. "$700..cash!" The man agreed and took it home to his wife. "Now honey, all you have to do is say, voodoo, dick my pussy, and it'll fuck you all night long!" She rolls her eyes and walks away. So it's been a couple days and his wife is getting pretty horny. She's about to call up one of her boyfriends and then she remembers...THE VOODOO DICK!!! "Voodoo dick my pussy!" she says and immediately, the cock starts fucking her with amazing speed! She's screaming and creaming all over the place. After 9 orgasms, she decides she's had enough. She tries pulling it out, but it keeps fucking her!!! So she decides to go down to the hospital to see if they can do anything. She puts on a dress and starts driving down the highway. "AHHHHH! Holy shit!" she's screaming, still creaming. She almost swerves off the road and a cop pulls her over. "License and registration please, and how much have you had to drink tonight?" says the cop. And the woman says, "No sir, you see there's, ahhhh! this voodoo dick is stuck in my pussy!" The cop replies, "Yeah right! Voodoo dick my ass!"
A lady is on her knees waiting to go into confession when she suddenly becomes very apprehensive about what she is going to confess. She thinks back to the night before...Wow oral and anal sex all in one hour...What would the priest say? What would be her penance? Just as she is about to hurry out of the church she spots an alter boy. She pulls him aside and politely asks him what the priest would give for a butt-fuck and a blow-job. The alter boy replied, "A snickers and a coke!!!"
At a medical convention, a male and a female start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restraunt, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her motel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes out, they go for it. After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. When she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you're a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I'll bet you're a anesthesiologist." The male doctor says, "Wow, how did you guess?" The female doctor syas, "Easy, I didn't feel a thing."
Pete and Ralph are gay lovers who like to have sex in the shower. One day, while having their "fun" in Pete's shower, the phone rings. Pete, in the bent over position, says to Ralph, "I'm expecting a phone call, sorry, but I have to get that and while I'm gone, DON'T cum." Pete runs and gets the phone call and comes back to the shower where he sees Ralph waiting with cum all over the walls. A little pissed Pete yells at Ralph, "I thought I told you not to cum?" And Ralph explains, "I didn't. I farted."
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, help me. My dicks orange." The doctor examines him and says, "Well I can't find anything wrong. We gotta do more tests." The do every test in the book and don't find anything. Finally the doctor goes. "Well what do you do all day?" And the man says, "I watch pornos and eat cheetos."
A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his shorts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl becomes very upset, started crying and runs home to her mommy. The next day the boy and the girl are playing again. Once again the boy points to his private parts and says, "I have one of these and you don't." But the little girl just keeps on playing. "How come you're not crying today?" asks the little boy. "My mother told me," says the little girl pulling up her dress, "that with one of these I can get as many of those as I want."
