The year 2000 came upon me with a vengeance along with my baby girl getting married I was dx with vulvar cancer. The cancer had spread into my anus and they were unable to remove it all. My time left would be much shorter I was told.
As I lay close to death one night in the hospital, all alone, I knew my time had come... A great sadness over came me as I relived my life and all my regrets of the past and all the time I had wasted. I realized I had left nothing behind to say I was even here, I also realized my husband would replace me in a matter of weeks if not days, I also dealt with the fact that my kids would be just fine without me and it broke my heart. Not that I want them to suffer in anyway but from the fact that as much as I love them, they may never know the depts of that love. Then I reflected that I had never taken the time to go anywhere as my job has kept me so busy and my desire to leave something behind for my kids and hopefully grandkids one day, and I realized I would NEVER see or hold my grandchildren. Then last but not least... I just wanted to feel loved and accepted as I was.
I begin to pray..... Lord, if you can find it in your heart to give me alittle longer I'd only ask for a few things Ive yet to experience in my life.... Let me leave something behind to help others and make my kids proud of the things I've done...... Let me see a little piece of the world that I've been to busy to see.... Please let me hold my grandchild at least one time and feel that deep love and know a part of me will go on.... Let my children love and forgive me, let me build a relationship with my father, and Lord let me find a place I feel I belong and let me find true love and happiness for a little while.
God then touched me....I got better and left the hospital a week later.
God has since been giving me all I had asked for.......
The Gyn-Gals was started July 14th 2001 and has helped many gals feel loved at their most unloved state....
My husband betrayed me and we divorced. God sent me on a truck driving job where I have been to 48 states, Canada and the border of Mexico.
God has blessed me with a granddaughter now 2 months old.
God blessed me with many best friends(other gyngals) to help me thru the rough times I've endured. Those friends have loved me unconditionally.
God sent my father back into my life after 34 years apart and we've had a wonderful relationship ever since.
Now God has blessed me with someone to love and be loved, who accepts me with all my deformities and accepts what my life will more than likely be like in the coming months or years and has taken on that responsibility to love and care for me and all that may entail. God sent me someone who lives for God and gives his life to God also.
Saturday, Sept, 13th at 5 pm we will wed, with my daughters, granddaughter, my father, and the best friends in the whole world at my side( the other gyngals) If my life ended at 6 pm.... I cannot complain as almost all my prayers were answered (except the peace, and acceptance of my daughters) My heart is right with God, and I give my life to him for whatever time I have left.
As you see.....Cancer "takes" a lot from us....but it also gives a lot back...
It gives us new , loving, compassionate friends who love, understand and accept you, It gives us courage, strength, and the ability to accept ourselves as unperfected and damaged. It gives us insight into things we've missed or been to busy to see. It gives us new found faith in God. It gives us courage we never knew we had.
It gives us the insight to see the jobs or the bills are not inportant after all, its love, compassion and forgiveness and its what we leave behind not what we take or own.
It humbles us and brings us to our knees, then we can stand straighter than before and endure many storms along the way.
It takes our pride and tears those walls down and brings us more God like, which is where we should have been all along.
We learn that those trillion tears we've cried have not gone in vane as each one is counted and one day there will be no more tears in heaven.
And I've learned.... one day God will restore me and remove my deformities and all my faughts and I will be avenged for all the wrongs done me during my lifetime.
Until then.... I thank God for my friends who will stand with me Saturday, for my children, for my new hubby, and for another day of being cancer free in 2003 :) For everything I've lost......I've gained ten fold..something stronger and better.
Love Ya, Marie |
