After the shock, after the surgery, after the treatments, and after the body heals the taboo “SEX” will eventually come back into play in our lives.
You may find yourself without anyone to talk to about sex or you may be too embarrassed to ask. You may ask someone who dosn't or couldn’t have a clue (You wouldn’t ask someone without children for advice on how to raise your kids, would you? ). So, you don’t ask someone who hasn’t had their vulva and/or clitoris surgically altered, damaged, or even removed from treatments how to get on with a normal sex life. You may wonder if it is even possible?
Unfortunately, there aren't simple answers to your complex questions. Unlike men, women are emotional about sex, about how we look and how we feel inside; about ourselves, and how we think others perceive us. We have been programmed to believe that we have to fit into a Barbie doll world and suddenly you may not feel that your new body fits into the Barbie doll role you believed in. So, the first sexual thing you have to deal with is the emotional side effects caused from your treatments and surgery.
Number one, if you are depressed or think you are, speak with your doctor and get on a good antidepressant if your doctor feels it is neccessary. Being depressed isn’t going to help you get through this now. You owe it to yourself; you have gone through too much to let depression stand in your way.
Number two, If possible, let your significant other help in the after care. It will relieve your mind to know that he already knows what “IT” looks like. He can see any changes that need to be brought to the doctor's attention so you may have fewer complications.Allowing your significant other to assist you also builds trust and iincludes him and makes him feel needed. It keeps a door open that most of us want to shut, but shutting out loved ones now is not a way to save your relationship. Letting him share in the aftercare opens a door for communications about how you're healing and how you're progressing. Also, it lets him know, without having to ask, if and when you look well enough to even contemplate resuming your sexual relations. Allowing him to assist you also allows you to share your thoughts, feelings, and insecurities with him and will help you to and have an open and honest discussion about areas that may be tender or anything that feels different or works differently than before. Being open may also decrease your feelings of being ugly, deformed, or even rejected. It’s a win-win situation and gets easier each time.
Number three, my suggestion (when you feel healed enough of course) before you attempt to resume intercourse, experiment with yourself first. This can be done with or without your significan other's assistance, depending on how comfortable you both are with this. Your body has changed now and may have lost some feelings and /or the feelings are in different places than before. This will help you learn what feels good and what doesn’t feel good to you.This may also help you to relearn your body and find out what works for you and will let you know where you stand as far as having an orgasm. Depending on the extent of your surgery and the possible nerve damage, you may find if you still have your clitoris (please…use lots of lubrication for this) or part of your clitoris left, you may need to use a vibrator now for deeper stimulation..
If you had a radical vulvectomy and lost your clitoris, you may need to try a G-spot vibrator to try for a vaginal orgasm. Vaginal orgasms are much harder to achieve, but once found they are much more intense. It may be trial and error to find your spot and make it work for you. There are books and g-spot vibrators to help with this. Sadly, not all women will find their g-spot or be able to enjoy sex the same way as they did before surgery or treatment. Some women recovering from a radical vulvectomy with removal of their clitoris, have no desire for sex nor do they ever reach another orgasm. Others have reported “Wet Dreams” from time to time, which are enough to relieve the sexual tensions that build. The trick is to experiment and find what does and does not work for you.
Having a radical vulvectomy with removal of the clitoris is not the easiest road to travel. Many women feel more like a receptacle during intercourse, so it is very important to develop an intimate and emotionally satisfying sexual relationship that can benefit both you and your partner..
A radical vulvectomy with the removal of the clitoris and vaginal canal eliminates the possibility of any intercourse or orgasm in your relationship. Each couple will have to deal with this in one or more of the following ways:
One way would be to totally abstain from any and all intercourse. Another way would be to find other ways to satisfy each other by means of oral sex, or even using other areas of your body to close tightly around his penis, such as between your breasts, arms, or thighs etc. You may have to compromise on another agreed method. You as a couple will have to build your relationship with other important qualities, such as companionship and friendship. Don't let go of the emotional needs we all have. Hold hands, snuggle, kiss, slow dance and strive for those little things that touch our hearts and souls.
Now that we’ve discussed the different surgeries and how each one may differ and change our sexual life, we as women always have to end with emotions. Most women feel as though they are dirt;, they feel ashamed, embarrassed, and stigmatized (the same feeling a woman raped feels). Don’t let cancer rape you of your life. You have been given a second chance, don’t let anything take that away from you. You are alive, your're still breathing, and last but not least; YOU ARE WOMAN, HEAR YOU ROAR!! |
