Introdusing the Church of the Lights and Spear, as run by Agnus McDolphin and his lovely assistant Mary... or was it Martin?
Original Message
From: "faith johnson"
Subject: use this fund for the children of God
Date: Fri, 2 Jan 2004 11:35:42 +0100 (CET)
From: Mrs. faith johnson
bless the children of God.
I am the above named person but now undergoing medical treatment
now. I am married to Dr.Alan George johnson who worked with south
africa embassy in nigeria for nine years before he died in the
year 2000. We were married for eleven years without a child. He
died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before
his death we were both born again Christians.Since his death I
decided not to re-marry or get a child outside my matrimonial
home which the Bible is against.When my late husband was alive he
deposited the sum of$27.6Million (twenty-seven Million six
hundred thousand U.S. Dollars) with one finance/security company
in Europe.
Presently, this money is still with the Security Company. Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next three months due to cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to church or better still a christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a church or individual that will use this to fund churches, orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husband’s hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bossom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health,and because of the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Finance/Security Company Europe. I will also issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as the original- beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shephard. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing for a church or christian individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated herein. Hoping to hear from you.
please reply me thought ;faithjohnson@xxxx.xx
Remain blessed in the name of the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs faith johnson.
Luckley, Father Agnus McDolphin and his assistant Mary, both running the Church of the Lights and Spears, are always willing to help out...
Be greeted by the lights and spear of the One True Lord
I am Father Agnus McDolphin, pastor in the Church of the Lights and Spear in Stornoway, Scotland. I must admit beeing wary when I got your letter, but after praying from guidance the Lord spoke to me, letting me know it is my christian duty to help you bring help unto others. I have spoken with my assistant on this matter, and she agrees with me... but then, she would never disagree with the Lords bidding.
I am sadened that your husband passed away, but since he died strong in his faith he is near God now, prepearing for your entry into the heavenly halls. While you, like all of us sinners, are tormented in this life, you will gain your justfull reward in the next.
The church of the Lights and Spear do a fair bit of charity in Scotland, as well as doing what we can to spread the Word among those unfortionant enought not to be among the herd. Here in Stornoway we run a home for fifty young, single mothers, teaching them to become better christians as well as aiding their upbringing their young. As my assistant says, we use the spear to show them the light. Tonight, I will hold a short cermon, followed by an all night vigil with a chosen few of the single mothers, to pray for your health.
Walk blessed in the vale
Agnus McDolphin
Mrs Faith comes back fast... she must have faith in this well known church, even if she seems confused as to Father Agnus gender...
Dear "Agnus McDolphin
I have to thank God this moment for his direction as regards this
mission,
God want me to complete this mission hence, i got your contact,but i know you may be wondering how i got you contact email, Actually when i heard from the doctor that my condition has become so bad, I have to reach out for a christian sister,it was through that christian sister that i ask to make a discrete search from the internet for a christian individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in,and even the sister that help me in this regard doesn't know the purpose for which i intend to use it , and the fact that you are God fearing person then it's easy to finish this. My husband earn this funds but he died and left everything behind and i will join him soon in Jesus name. I want you to claim this funds from this security company in nertherland, i will prepare the paperwork and fax them to you in your name as the beneficiary, you will receive it like a gift from God and you will use it to bless other less fortunate christian believer. So this funds you will receive on my behalf as gift from a dying family and you will never have any problem with the law as you will only pay some amount to the government as tax and the major part use to bless God's Children all over the world.
Kindly forward me your tel and fax number and tell me the country, you came from to enable me fax you the document to claim the funds in nertherland next week.Remain bless in christ. And please write my lawyer for more detailandhe is the onethat can help in all documentation
Mrs faith johnson.
Having hurried to set up some free phonenumbers, Agnus replies - taking the time to again introduse hiis assistant:
Dear sister Faith
It is truely blessed that we hear from you again. Just last night, after having performed the ritual fellatio and closing the church, my lovely assistant Mary said that she belived we would hear from you very soon indeed - and behold, she is once again right, bless her little soul.
You can reach my office at +44 7005 801 930 and the fax is at +44 7005 801 927. I'm not much in the office thought, as the home for the single mother requires much work and oversight - but leave a message if I'm not in. If you start the message with the words: "BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO WANDER IN THE LIGHT CARREING THE SPEAR" we will know it is from you and call you back.
And I'll instruct sister Mary, my lovely assistant, to contact your lawer... once you let us know how to reach him.
Walk forever blessed in the vale
Father Agnus McDolphin
The poor Mrs Johnson took her time in replying, so a couple of days after I sendt this to kick her in the pants:
Dear sister Faith
Praice the Lord, the day of Rapture is near
Both me and Mary are worried for your health, seeing as we have heard nothing from you in several days. We have prayed to Our Lord and lit candels, hopeing that your health has not detoriated or that your heaten relatives has not turned against you for your faith.
Please reply as quick as you can, sister Faith, for we are growing worried for you.
Be forever blessed
Father Agnus
That did the trick... even if her excuse for not mailing is horrible.
Dear Agnus McDolphin,
calvary greetings to you and your family in the name of our lord
God almigthy, any way i have been very down for the past days and
couild not talk or eat, And i also thank God for your willingness
towards this great work of the almighty lord, for i know that if
this fund get to you. the children of God shall gain for it, so
please all that you need to do for me is to contact my lawyer for
him is the one that will end all document and give you more
details on how to claim the fund. And is e mail address is barr_mike_elijah_chambers@yahoo.com and is telephone number is 234-080-33964964
thanks mrs faith johnson
Sweet Jesus... what happened to punctuation and starting your sentences with a capital letter?
Anyway, Agnus is much relived.
Blessed be the One True Lord, in the glorious shine of his Lights!
Always remember John, 1, 9: The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world! (note; John is the fourth book of the new testament - so what Agnus is saying is "4-1-9")
We are all so relieved that you still are among us, surely our prayers have helped you remain among us so you can see your kindness rewarded tenfold. Sarah, one of the single mother who lives in the Single Mothers Home we run next to the church, said earlier today as we performed the daily Fellatio (the "closing of the day", a ritual that dates back to Jesu time) that she knew in her heart that you would remain with us so you could with your own eyes see what good your kindess do.
As far as your lawer goes, I'll have Mary - my assistant in running the church - mail him at once. She is much more used to handling donations and technicalities than I am, beeing younger and having used computers all her life.
We will all pray for your health sister.
Walk forever blessed on the wide, clear path.
Father Agnus
And now, Mary Mahnow writes to the lawyer:
Dear Sir.
My name is Miss Mary Mahnow, personall assistant to Father Agnus McDolphin of the Church of the Lights and Spear. Father McDolphin has been in communications with your client Mrs Faith Johnson for a few days, regarding a donation she wishes to give to our Church and Single Mothers Home.
Mrs Johnson, who sounds like a very proper and christian Lady, has let Father McDolphin know that you should be able to help with the technicalities of the donation. Father McDolphin has furtermore entrusted me to handle the details, since I have his complete trust in all things.
You can either contact us via email at the adress I'm using to write you now, or you can send a telefax to +44 7005 801 927 or a voicecall to +44 7005 801 930. Father McDolphin spends most of his time helping the single mothers find God, so if I too am out of the office please leave a message.
Yours
Miss Mary Mahnow
PS: As a token of trust I have after the custom of my homeland (Sweden) attached my picture, and I would appriciate if you did likewise in your reply.
The picture is here.
The lawyer strikes... first from his own mailbox to Mary's inbox, then from Faith's mailbox to Agnus' inbox... but the text is the same
Dear Mary Mahnow ,
How are you doing i got your e mail today on behalf of father Agnus mcdolphing. first of all i want to know if after, you have claim the fund from the security company, if you will use the fund the way my client ask you to use the fund to help the children of God, around the world and not only your country and people.
And the way i see you i know for sure that the fund will be spent by you the way my client said she went it. after this your response to this mail. i will give you the contact of the security company and will been sending to you a letter of authority that will make you the new beneficiary of the fund and i will need to go to the court here to make change of your name to be the new beneficiary of the fund and it will cost you some amount of money to be paid to me as the lawyer to make that change and after that we shall proceed.
regards Barr mike Elijah
Mary puts his mind to rest... off course the funds will be used as Mrs Faith Johnson want them to be used.
Greetings sir, and thank you for your mail.
I am sadened that you did not send a picture of yourself in your mail as I asked for. I would feel more comfertable about this donation if I could see who I was talking to, but Father McDolphin has great trust in your client.
Father McDolphin is in church right now, performing the daily rituall of Fellatio, but before he left the office to do that we discussed the use of the money your client wish to donate to our Church. Of the 27.6 million US dollars Mrs Johnson wishes to donate, he suggested using a total of 2 million on our existing Single Mothers Homes in Stornaway, Glasgow and New York. About 600.000 US dollars would be put towards rehabilitating our church, since the roof need new lead and the drains are in a horrible condition. The remainding 25 million US dollars Father McDolphin suggested placing in the missionary fund and used to spread the Light and the Spear of the One True Lord in tropical Africa. With the money so kindly donated by your client the fund will reach almost 28 million US dollar, which is quite a rise compared to the paltry 3 million US dollar it contains today. We still have to look into the details as to where to place the mission and the planned Single Mothers Home, as well as securing the help of someone trustworthy to run the operation.
On the process of the donation itself: As you surely are aware, the United Kingdom - which Scotland is part of - passed new and stricter laws concerning the transfer of large amounts of money after the terrorist attack on the WTC in september 2001. Since the donation Mrs Faith Johnson is wishing to give exceeds 1 million £, I'm forced to ask you to fill out the attached form, all three pages, on behalf of your client. Due to legal concerns, I must ask you to fill it out by hand, not machine. Once this form is filled out, we can go forward with the donationprocess.
Yours
Miss Mary Mahnow
PS: Once again I must ask you for a picture... I sendt you mine in good faith and you have not returned the favour.
Attached were three large JPEGs made from this form, totaling about 2 megs.
Agnus tells Faith the good news
I greet you with the might of the Spear of the One True Lord, Sister Faith!
Mary, my lovely assistant, tells me your estemed lawyer has replied to her mail, and that she, but the grace of the Lord, has taken your donation one step closer to fullfilment. I would be lost without Mary to help me in this, since there is to many formalities to take into consideration for me to understand.
Monica and Sarah, two of the single mothers we try to help in the Single Mothers Home, assisted me in church today, leading the congregation in a prayer for your health. We are all praying for you, but always remember Mattew 12 28; " Come to me , all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Should your health falther, stay strong in your faith and the One True Lord will reward you for your kindness.
Before Church today I and Mary talked about how to best use your splendid gift, Sister Faith. I think that the best way would be to use the majority of the money you so selflessly gives to a good cause to spread the Light of the One True Lord in your homeland. For many a year I have heard the Lord calling upon me to go preach among the heaten and the unbelivers, but up until this point I have not have the means to do so. My dear Sister in God, I think that He Himself has pointed you to me so that I might work as His tool to spread the Good Word among your fellow countrymen!
I must leave now, since I promised Monica and Sarah that they could polish my Spear today. Walk forever blessed.
Your friend,
Agnus
...polish his 'spear'... no wonder there is a steady supply of single mothers =)
The 'confundled mugu' strikes back... the lawyer writes to Father Agnus from the clients mailbox!
Dear Father McDolphin ,
How are you doing today and your
ministry hope all is well with you and your family all so, i got
a mail from miss Mary Mahnow and she send some form for me to
fill but please remember that you are the one that my client is
donating money for and not me. so you are the one that is to fill
some form and i will try to fill the one that i can and i will
send it across, but before then i will want to go to the court to
make arrangement for the change of name for you to be the
beneficiary of the fund with the security company and it will
cost me $1500 Dollas and after that the letter of authority will
be send to you for you to make claim of the fund.
And if you want to send the money to me you can use ( PATRICK
IKEH)
barr mike elijah
Despite the fact that the mugu can't keep one mailbox from the next, Father McDolphin pretends nothing is wrong and mail the lawyer at the right addy:
Good evening Mr Elijah, and be blessed by the power of the Eternal Light
I've just returned from the daily sermon in the church my friend, and I must soon head over to the Single Mothers Home to help put the children to sleep, so forgive me for beeing short with you.
I have spoken momentarely with my lovely assitant Mary (she makes me wish I was fourty years younger my friend, then I would have married her) about the form, and she tells me that the law is very clear. The person donating the funds or their legal representative must fill out such a form to make sure that the money isn't illegal or has connection with terrorists. But she also asks me to tell you that the form stays in our archives unless the police comes with a courtorder to pick it up, so your client, dear Sister Faith, should not worry herself over it.
The money you ask to cover your cost will be covered Mary tells me (she is the one doing all the finacial work here at the church), but she needs a certified recipt for the archives.
Walk forever on the wide road
Father Agnus McDolphin
Mary has an emotinal breakdown and spills her heart at the lawyer:
Subject; Why do you hate me?
You havn't replied to my mail Mike? Why? Do you hate me? Do you think that just because I'm young and female you can ignore me at will? Then you insult me by mailing Agnus, who is the sweetest priest I've ever meet but old enought to be my father, instead of me! Mike, both he and I told you that I am the one dealing with the money at our Church.
You never sendt me a picture of yourself either, despite that I sendt you mine in the first mail... you must think I'm ugly and not worth talking to, just like everyone one back in Sweden.. sometimes I think that poor old Agnus is the only one that can see who I truely am and accept me for it.
Mike... please answer me, am I really that ugly that you won't talk to me? Do you hate me because I'm not beutyfull like the other girls you know?
Mary
ps: I probaly shouldn't since you wont look, but I decided to show you another picture of me, just to prove I'm not ugly all over.
The picture she attached was this.
My mugu is mightily confundled!
dear mary ,
How are you doing , i got your mail today and your new picture and you are a very beautiful lady but i donot understand what is going on here and please try and explain to me and why is the both of you using the same mail box , please explain what is going on and please know this that i am very serious about this transaction.
Happily, Mary is able to gently whack his head around and point him down the line of the scam again.
My dear Mike, how sweet of you to tell me that I am beutyfull, it made me tingly all over.
Both Father Agnus and I am sorry we havn't gotten to write you earlier, a barrister like yourself must be a very busy man indeed, but there was a small fire in the Church on friday. Nothing major, but the fusebox was damagend so we could not get electricity to the computers in the office.
As for your other question, I talked to Father Agnus, who did some traveling in the hinterlands before he took up the cloth, and he thinks you have spendt too much time out in the sun. If you look at your mails, you will see that Father Agnus is mailing you from his adress at AgnusMcDolphin@hotmail.com and I am sending my mails from marymanow@fmail.co.uk . I have tried to make Father Agnus change from HotMail to a proper email adress for a long time, but he is a old man and prefers to stay with what he knows.
Dear Mike, how is the form coming along? Once I have the filled out form I will look into reimbursing you for the money you had to put out for changing the name of the benefictary. Remember that I need a certified copy of the bill for our archives thought, without a copy of the bill I'm not allowed to send you any money at all I'm afraid, as the finacial board of the Church is watching the accounts very carefully.
I do look forward to hearing from you
again Mike
Mary
ps; may I see a picture of you? I'm very curious as to how you look.
Straight out of Church, Agnus sends old, frail Mrs Faith a long, rambling letter... I think he might have had more than his share of the wine today:
My dearest Sister Faith
I meet you with the Light of the Lord, the penetreating light that cast aside Darkness and lies and leave only the shining white truth behind! Walk forever blessed in the vale!
I'm just back from Church, my dear Sister Faith, and what a sermon it was today. I held the whole congregation in my hand and I made them tremble in fear of Satan, I made them look into the bright Light of the One True Lord... and I lead them all in a mighty prayer for your good health Sister.
I also had to throw out one of the single mothers from the Single Mother Home today. Not only did I find out that she had been living in sin with a man from town, who I pointed out during the sermon today, but also she had let her child celebrate Christmass even if she isn't a christian herself (when I think about it, I shouldn't have let her in to the Single Mothers Home in the first place, the dirty heathen she was).
Some of my congregation was surpriced by my action, but I set them straight too. "As True Christians," I said before I continued, "we know from the Holy Bible that unsaved folks who celebrate Christmas are committing an unforgivable sin. That's the sin of Blasphemy of the Holy Ghost. Jesus teaches us that people who celebrate His birthday without getting His permission, are doomed to spend eternity in Hell. Even if someone who is rude enough crash Jesus’ birthday party chooses to accept Him as their personal Savior later in life, they still don't get to go to Heaven. They are condemned to Hell and Jesus tells us that there is nothing He, nor His Daddy, nor anyone else can ever do about it. That's a whole lot of folks on fire, ain't it? You'd better believe that Hell is gonna be 1,000 times the size of Heaven. Friends, God is still working on Hell. He's got lots of people to roast, and they are waiting in line! Jesus promises us that He is going to pitch unsaved people into a "furnace of fire.". You think the Nazis were the first ones to think of burning folks with furnaces? No, my friend – the Lord is always one step ahead of the feeble efforts of mankind. Unsaved children don't deserve any gifts, much less gifts that celebrate a Savior their parents have denounced! It's like the little tykes are going to a birthday party they weren't invited to and stealing all of the birthday boy's presents! Now, some of you yellow-bellied New Age Christians who don't go to Landover and are listening to me on your fancy satellite might be thinking, "Oh, but Jesus loves the little children." Well, I have news for you: just because a silly little song says something, don't make it so! Jesus hates children who don't flatter Him and give Him His due. In fact, the Lord gets so jealous when people don’t pay enough attention to Him that He even punishes little children for things their daddies might have done! So my friends, if a 4-year-old's parents are unsaved, it is just like that little child himself spit in Jesus' eye. It don't make a lick of difference to the Lord. You doubt me? Did the Lord go around asking little babies if they wanted to "opt out" of the Great Flood? No sir! He just went right ahead and drown them little kids! God knows that sin is in the blood, and the only way to get rid of it, it to snuff out entire bloodlines. He taught us that with the Great Flood, and people still snub their noses and refuse to learn that lesson!"
I bet they learnt their lesson well Sister Faith... but as a True Christian and a Sister in the Faith you knew all this allready.
Walk forever blessed on the wide road
Father Agnus
Mike is confundled again:
Miss Mary Mahnow ,
I got your mail today and how is every thing with you any way please help me tell your pastors that you both since not to understand me , f i donot get the money send to me , there s nothing that can do , will send but the letter of authority and fill the form and send all that you need at once, and please let be serious about this transaction.
barr mike elijah
Mary makes sure he understands that Agnus and she is serious, but...
Subject: We have to do this by the rules Mike
Hello Mike, it is good to hear from you again so soon
It is not that we do not understand you Mike, but you must realise that even if I am the one who has access to all the Church accounts, the revisors are constantly making sure everything in our books balance. If I send you money without having a copy of a bill to prove what it is for, I can get in big trouble, which would jepordize our entire transaction. And since you are a learned man Mike, surely you realise that that would be a bad thing?
How is the form going along? I have talked to Father Agnus, and he says he can send you part of the money you need from his own funds once you have filled it out satisfactory and returned it to us. I'll can then reimburse him once I got the copy of your bill for the transfer of beneficary and send the balance to you.
Trust in the One True Lord Mike, both Father Agnus and myself are very serious about this transaction, but we must follow the proper modailites for it.
Yours
Mary Mahnow
My mugu is getting desperate, and slip into the role as Mrs Faith:
Dear Agnus McDolphin" ,
How are ypu dping i have been waiting to hear from you any way my lawyer was in the hosiptal some days ago and he said that you are not serious in this transaction that he donot understand what is doing on with your secratary and he said that you need to send him some money so that he can send to you all that you want and he donot understand all that you are talking aboue , please help me because i am a dieing woman with know hope for now but i know that my God leave and will make a way for us,please send what ever my lawyer ask for to him so that he can begin work, thanks
mrs faith johnson
Yeah, he is way out of his script now... one should think he could come up with some fake ID and a filled out form by now?
Agnus takes upon him to explain her a few things about how life in general work in a civilised area:
Dear Sister Faith
How good to hear from you again sister. I had just returned from the daily Fellatio in Church when I saw your mail, and it pleases my heart to see you are still walking the vale with us, Praise the One True Lord, Hallejula!
I have had word with my lovely assistant, Mary, and I have had her show me her corespondance with your lawyer. Sister Faith, belive in me as you belive in the Lords Son, Mary has handled this as professionaly and as seriously as she has handled all other donations to the Church. She is a gem among the rubble, a Angel walking the earth among us sinfull mortals.
Now, as much as it hurts me to say so, but it seems that your lawyer has little understanding of how things work outside his mudhut. Since you most gratiously has decided to donate a large amouth of money to the Church of the Lights and Spear, he must - as your legal guardian - fill out the 'anti money laundy' form. If we do not have that on file when we get the money, the goverment will come here and investigate, and since we can't prove the money don't come from Osama Bin Laden, the ungodly people at the taxoffice will take it away from us. So you see, my dear Sister, that it is somethign that must be done. As for sending him money without having a certified copy of his bill, well sister, you can ask him if he will hand over money without a bill? If Mary did that, which I suggested that she could do just this once, the accontants would demand her fired, as well as freezing all our assets. Surely your lawyer, who must be an educated man, can see that this is the way things work here in civilised Europe?
If your lawyer still refuses to see that this is the way we are forced to handle this deal, I fear that he is a heaten unbeliever and not fit for the holy mission you have entrusted upon him. He may be a savage or, worse still, a muslim, and fit only to burn in the lowermost regions of Hell.
Otherwise all the mothers in the Single Mothers Home are praying for your health Sister Faith. Allthought your time among us is running our, your memory and kindness will shine like a beacon in the night, drawing more and more towards the straight, wide road.
I pray for your health
Agnus McDolphin
Barrister Mike sends this to Mary... but there wont be a reply in a while
Dear Mary Mahnow
I got your mail and i am ready you work as long as you are ready, all that you need to do now is to contact the security company that the fund is in. in spain and the company name is OCEANIC DIPLOMAT.and the telephone number is-00-34-666685338 and the fax number-00-34-954634608 And the officers in changer is Mr MIKE PRUDENCIO.just let them know that you are the beneficiary of the fund and after that get back to me.
barr mike elijah
Shortly afterwards, Agnus gets not one, not two but three mails:
Dear sir,
How are you doing today and your family and ministry are hope all is well with you ,i have not been around for the past days but i am fully back now,and i have try all my possible best to fill the form that you ask Mary to send to me to fill but i could not get it out of the computer because it was scam to me, please you will need to send it to me thought a micro soft word, so that i can get it out and fill. And please you should try all your possible best to send the money $1500 dollars, i told you as well because i have not arrange for the letter of the authority, which make you the new beneficiary of the fund, because of the delay in sending the money and please if you which to send the money you can send it thought (ERO ELIJAH OSAGIE) because the other name that i get you before have traveled.
Barr mike Elijah
Dear beloved,
i pray for the almighty lord bless you in any thing you do and i pray that the lord will direct you on how best that you will use this fund to help the children of God around the world, please have you contacted the security company now and please if you have not done that , please do so and let them know that you are the new beneficiary of the fund and please always contact my lawyer too.
Mrs faith Johnson
Dear beloved,
How are you doing and your family , i pray that the lord God almighty strength you, in any thing that you do and may he grace, your life with happiness , please beloved what is the situation between you and the security company now, please let me know and always contact them and do not let them know that i am very sick.
Mrs Faith Johnson
