My Life
I was born in the year 1956, it was Fall, November, and the world was colorful and bright.
The air was crisp and clean, of course I can't remember all this, but I can imagine how it
would have been. I was born to a mother of Italian decent from New York City, my father
a Mexican Indian from San Francisco California. I was born in S.F. General Hosptial in S.F. ,
California. My birth name Blanca meaning White in spanish due to my fair complextion.
My father's side of the family had some very dark and beautiful skin toned people, while my
mother's side was fair with light eyes. That's how I got my hazel eyes and fair complextion.
From my understanding, hearing bits and pieces from different family members, my parents
were very much inlove. However their relationship was very difficult as it was a mixed race and
culture one, and back in the 50's they were very much scorned upon. My father worked when
he could find work, my mother was busy raising my two brothers from a previous marriage and
myself. My parents met while my dad was in the Army stationed in NYC, and after his leave was
up, they moved to California. This was the beginning of the nightmare for my mother and myself.
Most of my very young childhood was filled with fear, pain, resentment, and these feelings built to
anger and then rage. I am a surviver of sexual abuse, as well as physical, and emotional abuse. The
terror began when I was only four years of age, just an innocent little girl. After my father went away
my mother got involved with a real nut case. He was very violent, mean and abusing. My mother and
this man had a little girl together, her name is Vicky. I saw her once sinse he took her from my mother
while I was just five.
My mother finally got out of that violent and insane relationship, and we moved back to NYC to my
my grandmother's apartment in West Manhattan on Sullivan Street. Tommy followed us and then
kidnapped my baby sister Vicky. My brothers were back with their father as Tommy didn't want my
brothers around. I was not even six years old yet. Although I still have nightmares to this very day of
of all the horror I went through with my mother, seeing her getting beaten, and then getting beaten
myself as well.
My mother got deep into drugs and alcohol. The roles began to get reversed. I was the mother and
my mother was the little girl, as most times I wound up taking care of my mother. I wittnessed my mom
having a complete nervous break down, and I don't think I had ever been that frightened in all of my life.
The sexual abuse continued as my mother would have different men in and out of her life. I was always
a pawn in her sick life. Then child services finally stepped in due to my poor attendence record at school.
I was ordered to be placed in an all girls Roman Catholic school and made a ward of the State of NYC.
The last time I saw my mother alive is when she dropped me off at Mother Cabrenies up State NY. I cried
as I had never cried before and I felt as though my whole world was a terror. I felt totally and utterly alone.
My grandmother was my only outside vistor. Family visitation was on the third Sunday of the month and only
allowed during this time. My grandmother was aging and so she came as often as she could. I would always
look forward to seeing my grandmother, although I started becoming more and more bitter, and filled with
to much rage to be only eight years of age. My mother died while I was in this girls school and I was just ten
years old. I was allowed to leave and go to the funeral, my grandmother came on the bus and got me and we
took the bus back to NYC. I saw my two brothers whom I hadn't seen sinse I was about five years old, I
remember they looked so handsome as they both where in the Military.
After the funeral I went back to the girls school for a while. My grandmother was awared temporary custody
of me and became my legal guardian. By this time I was so filled with fear, anger, rage, and resentment that I
was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode, and explode I did. I ran away from the safety of my grandmothers
apartment and went deep into the heart of black Harlem uptown Manhattan. This is where I saw a black man
shoot heroine into his viens and I knew instantly that I wanted some. I didn't get any from him but I did get
some the very next time that I ran away. I continued to run away and my poor grandmother would go into
the streets with flyers that had my picture on them and she would pass them out and beg for help in finding
me as I was just a little girl of eleven.
Eleven going on thirty was more like it. I grew up way to hard and way to fast. I know today that it is only by the
Grace of God Almighty that I am even alive. I got deep into the drug scene and used when ever I was able to. Of
course I had to start learning ways to get money to get drugs. It's always a free ride till you get hooked, then it's,
"you gotta pay the cost to be the boss!" By the age of thirteen I was into prostitution. Anything to get a quick fix.
Finally my poor grandmother had had enough as I kept getting arrested and put into Juvenile Detention for being
a run-a-way and a "problem child." I was placed into another all girls school and made a ward of the State of NY
once again.
By this time I was very rebellious and didn't like the confines of the girls school. I met the grounds keeper who was
a fourty year old man, and we ran off together. I loved the fast lane, I loved the wild life and I ran like there was no
tomorrow. No one was gonna keep me like some caged animal, I wanted to be free. Although I was my very own
prisoner as I was so lost and truly without a clue as to who I was and what I was doing to my body and my life. I
became my own worst enemy, as I was on a suicide mission from hell.
At first the fast life seemed so grand, and I thought I was so free. However in reality I was slowly destroying my body
and spirit. I ran pretty wild all through junior high school and up into high school until I eventually dropped out of all
classes and left high school all together in the beginning of the tenth grade. I was back and forth between East and West
coasts. NYC and San Francisco, California. All the while my grandmother was the only sanity in my life and respite from
the street life.
I continued to drift from place to place, weaving havoc where ever I wound up at. By seventeen I was living in Chicago Ill.
I started drifting from the world of prosititution and into the club scene. Finally I began singing on stage. I loved it, and I
seemed to truly come alive while I was on stage preforming. However my drug habbit always came first and so I never got
very far. At the age of twentyone I got married and called myself settling down. The marriage lasted for three years and the
only good thing that came from it was my beautiful daughter Lanykia [Pernounced La-knee-ka]. I didn't know the first thing
about being a wife or a mother. I sunk deep into a depression as I had cleaned up from the drugs but I just didn't know how
to live clean and sober.
I left my husband and NYC when my daughter was eight months old and went back to San Francisco and my dad. My dad
was still heavy on the booze so it didn't really matter that I started using again. Oh sorry, I guess I left out that I met my dad
when I was fourteen years of age and lived with him and my aunts in San Francisco until I turned sixteen, and then I returned
to NYC. You can read more about this aspect of my life here,
you can also read some of my militant writting here.
Basically I went through hell, most times I put myself right in the midst of it. However in July of 1989 I finally gave up and gave
in. I have been clean and sober sinse then. Through the aid of 12 step programs such as A.A. and N.A., as well as A.C.O.A
[Adult Children of Alcoholics]. I fought tooth and nail at first, and tried doing it "my way" but to no avail. Giving up the drugs
and booze was the easy part, but living life on lifes terms and living clean and sober is something I had to relearn to do. You
can read more about this aspect of my life here. Yep I have websites all over the place.
Building websites for the promotion of education and protection of our great and majestic wolf is now my drug. Yep gotta
have it. It's also very therapetic for me.
Now at age fourty five I am disabled. Due to my life in the fast lane and my IV drug use I now live with Hepatitis C. A disease
that slowly destroys the liver. I also have mental disabilities that keep me from working. So with the combination of the two it
is actually better for me to not work. Also my Hepatitis C is the severe type. I suffer much more than alot whom aren't even
aware that they have it. So if you haven't been checked for Hep. A, B, C, or D please do so as these are silent killers if left
untreated. Hepatitis is still pretty new and is still in the research stages. It wasen't until about five years ago that they even
knew anything about Hepatitis at all. Most people who suffer from Hepatitis won't have any severe symtoms at all. The most
they may feel is like they had a bad case of the flue and then it's over. Yet the Hepatitis continues to stay in the blood and eat
at the liver. The liver is effected most by Hepatitis. Thus in the final stages it will lead to jaundice [a yellowing of the skin and
whites of the eyes]. If left unchecked it can lead to liver cancer due to the break down of the liver. The liver is the only orgin
in the body that can't replenish or heal itself. Once it is damaged it can not come back from that damage. However they are
researching new drug treatments for this disease. At this time they use Interferon by itself or sometimes with another drug
called Ribavirin. Interferon is not for all people nor is Ribavirin as both these drugs cause severe depression and may even
cause sucidal tendencies in some. I am a what they call a "catch 22 patient", I can not take the treatments they offer at this
time due to my mental condition of depression. Doctors who treat patients with Hep C won't touch me with a ten foot pole
due to my mental disorder caused by my stressful childhood.
How do I cope? God the Father, Jesus HIS Son, and the Holy Spirit. I put all my faith, hope and trust in THEM, and not in
man or doctors. I take pretty good care of myself. I get as much rest as I can because I am a Chronic Hepatitis carrier. What
does this mean? Basically, for me taking an average ten minute walk is like running two miles. I am in pain more times than
not. I get winded very easily and have to rest when doing any distance walking which for me is over a period of twenty minutes.
Also I deal with Chronic Arthrititis which is very painful. This is something that runs in my family and Hepatitis C can cause an
acute outbreak. Because of this I am in pain 89% of the time, although I very rarely complain. I can't stand a whinner! *LOL*
Please visit my friends Rasky's, they have a great page with lots of great
information on Hepatitis C. There are lots of websites with information on Hepatitis C, just type "Hepatitis C" in a search
ingine and you will get loads of pages with information.
I have two beautiful children, my oldest a daughter of 22, although she is currently missing. I keep her in my prayers
and know that God in HIS Infinite Wisdom will take care of her and HIS Will will be done. I also have a 17 year old son whom I haven't seen in
a while. He lives in California with his step mom and dad. I chose not to raise either of my children as I felt it was best if they had stable homes
which while they were young I could not provide. So I gave them the only gift I could at the time which was another chance. I left my children in
God's hands. With all the problems I had on top of my drug use I knew that I could not give my children what they needed. My prayer is that one
day I will be reunited with my children and be able to tell them face to face that I love them and that I didn't give them up because I didn't love
them but because I did love them so much. I believe that my mental disabilities played a large part in my inability to raise my children, also a
down right fear that I would mess up their lives more if I kept them in my life.
Today I am a very spiritual person. I pray and meditate on a daily bases. I keep pretty much to myself as I really don't
get along well with people. However I am a poliet person when in public or either very quiet. I don't even like being around my husband at times.
He is really great. God truly blessed me with a gem of a man. Although my husband is 20 years my junior. Yep he is 25 and I am 45, however
Shawn is very mature for his age. He is quite a man. For him to put up with me is a miracle in itself. *LOL* I am not the easiest of people to deal
with. Being a writter I tend to need alot of quiet and space which he gives. He is always ready to rub, massage my back, and brush my hair. Yes
as I said he is a gem of a man. I truly love him, and I believe that we are soul mates. We are coming up on our second year of marriage. August
18th of 2002 will be two years. Shawn is my special angel, and he truly has the spirit of the wolf as he is a one woman man, a VERY rare thing
these days.
I guess the only thing left that I'd really like to say is to the kids. If you haven't started using drugs, DON'T! If you have
started using drugs please, please STOP! The life you save will be your own! Drugs are truly for dopes, why do you think they call it dope? It
makes you stupid! So don't waste your time, I did enough for everyone, so take it from me Dark Shadow, [one of the reasons I chose this nick
because of my dark past], drugs don't solve problems they just create more. Drugs don't fix things, they distroy and make things worse. The
only true fixes come from within your very own heart! Your heart and a true relationship with God! Nothing else can fill the void. I know I tried
everything out there. It wasen't until I came to the realization that I needed something far greater then myself and chemicals that I started to
heal. Even today after years of being clean and sober I am still going through a healing process. Drugs take away your ability to deal with
life and mature. So for a long time I was a grown woman but emotionally I was still very much a little girl. Each day it gets better, each day
that I stay clean and sober is a true accomplishment. Besides none of God's beauty looks as wonderful as it does than when you have a
clear head. Take care and God Bless you all.
