Tim J. Beedle
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Original publication on Lycian Scribe in October 2000. Political Chairs I've noticed a little game that's become popular in Washington of late. Yes, my friends, our friendly politicians aren't kept busy enough with maintaining order in the world (as well as maintaining the careers of muckraking assholes such as Ken Starr and Sen. Sam Brownback), they have to invent silly little parlor games to keep themselves busy. And while games such as these may keep the politicians happy, they seem like an unbelievable waste of time to all citizens with an IQ higher than your typical six-year-old. You see, the games that they play appear elaborate and complicated, but when you boil them down to their fundamentals, they're really no more complicated than a game you might find at a child's birthday party. You may remember playing "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" when you were a child. Well, good ol' Bill played a similar game in the white house during his presidency, but the tail in question wasn't a donkey (except for maybe in Paula Jones's case). Surely you remember "Hide and Seek." Washington accountants were so fond of the game as children that they now play a version of it every time they draft our nation's budget, "hiding" more and more government spending each year by moving it off the budget completely. My favorite game as a child was "Simon Says," and apparently I'm not the only one who's fond of that game. Both of the major-party presidential candidates play it everyday, saying every word and performing every action their advisors tell them to do (whether they actually say "Simon says" before telling them to do it is up in the air, but I kind of suspect Dick Cheney's reps are). The only problem is that now the advisors and analysts seem to have their own game, and it's one that's caught on not only with federal officials, but state and local government as well. Hell, even the media has gotten into it, and although I'm sure some clever journalist will eventually win a Pulitzer for naming it, I'm going to give it my own name for the time being (remember that you heard it here first). I think I'll call it "Political Chairs." The rules are similar to "Musical Chairs" except it's played with issues instead of chairs (I guess "Musical Issues" would be a more accurate name, but that just sounded silly for some reason). The way it works is that Washington rotates between issues as long as the nation is buzzing about it, but as soon as the buzz stops, whatever issue they're currently making a stink over gets yanked from public attention quicker than a Chris Carter show. You may notice that the so-called important political issues never really go away, they just kind of fade into the background, but they'll get their time back in the limelight soon enough. You see, it appeared at one point that the "hot button" issue in this election would either be gun control or education reform. However, the buzz on gun control seems to have quieted down significantly over the past few months, and education reform never really had much buzz to begin with, at least none that anyone was listening to (since as a society we've learned to tune out anything related to our children). So, the rotation started again, and what issue did we stop on this time? Why, it's our old favorite: violence in entertainment. Specifically, violent entertainment that's being marketed towards children. This topic isn't new. In fact, it was just over a year ago in the wake of Littlefield that society, eager to find a scapegoat other than the parents whom so innocently and obliviously raised two monsters, decided to blame the entire shooting on Marilyn Manson and The Matrix. This was despite the fact that the two morons didn't like Manson's music and had worn black trenchcoats long before The Matrix was released. Personally, I think society really dropped the ball. They could have just as easily blamed the whole messy incident on Pokèmon or Celine Dion and done the world a favor. Yes, I know I'm going to get burned for being insensitive, but frankly I'm tired of all this politically correct bullshit and I'm angry at society's way of constantly taking the easy way out. Instead of looking inward for who was to blame, we insist on blaming everything on outside interference. As for Littleton, yes it was a tragedy. Yes, I feel sympathy for the parents who lost their children because of the actions of a couple of jerkoffs who should have been eliminated by natural selection long before they hit puberty. However, it's something that is in the past and is highly unlikely to happen again anytime soon. Tragedies happen, we grieve for the families affected and then we move the fuck on. However, since Washington has decided to make violent entertainment our new Public Enemy #1, let's look at the issue a bit. After all, they now have proof to back up their accusations. Today, an extensive report by the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) was released, the result of a yearlong study to determine whether or not the film, music, and video game industries advertise violent products to children. Their result was a resounding yes. The broad numbers are that from 1995 to 1999, 80% of all R-rated films and 70% of all M-rated video games were targeted to children under seventeen. Those are staggering statistics, even by my cynical standards. And it's perfect cannon fodder for two candidates just itching for something to fire off about. In fact, it's hardly surprising that this is the hot issue considering who the candidates are. This issue has always been a big one with the GOP. Obviously, Bob Dole tried to make an issue out of it when he ran in '96, then he embarrassed himself and brought more publicity to the movie True Lies than Arnie ever could. It was briefly discussed during Bush's presidency and was definitely an issue during Reagan's (after all, this was the era of Rambo and The A-Team). So, the fact that Bush Jr. is up in arms about it isn't surprising. However, it's not usually a popular issue with the Democrats, and if possible Gore has come out more strongly against violence in entertainment than Bush. Scratch beneath the surface and it's not hard to see why. First of all, we all know about his wife Tipper. You know those cute little "Parental Advisory" stickers that are on all of your favorite CDs? Well, you have her to thank for those. And Gore's running mate, Joseph Lieberman, a very moderate liberal, has been one of the loudest voices in Congress against violent entertainment. It's hardly surprising that Gore's taking the same stance as the two of them, considering how much nagging that he'd inevitably hear from both of them if he didn't. But is it the best issue to drag into the political arena? I guess it's as good as any. After all, there are some disturbing facts presented in the FTC report. Studios handing out free passes to violent films to ten-year-olds. Companies advertising for very adult films in Teen magazine and extremely violent video games in comic books typically read by children. However, there are a lot of "findings" that I see as very suspect and definitely not the rock-hard proof that the FTC and government officials are going to say they are. For example, the film industry has been faulted for advertising R-rated films during episodes of The Simpsons, a show with a lot of younger viewers. To me this seems like the FTC has made the idiotic assumption also made by a majority of Americans (one that everyone knows I'm sick of), that all animated shows and movies are meant for children. Although I don't see a problem with children watching The Simpsons, I don't see it as a show necessarily meant for kids. In fact, I've often been VERY surprised by how risqué a lot of episodes have been. The bottom line is that The Simpsons is one of the most popular television shows on the air. It may have a lot of viewers under 17, but it also has a lot of viewers between 18 and 30, and it's that demographic that typically goes to see movies like The Matrix or The Cell. Obviously, filmmakers have to advertise, and it makes sense to advertise during TV shows that are watched by the same type of people that will go see your movie. There's more. The report criticizes the film industry for advertising violent horror movies in Planet Report and Fast Times, two magazines that are distributed to approximately 8,000 high schools in the United States. Although that may sound bad, think about it for a minute. Most of the people who go to see horror movies are teenagers. Hell, it's a rite of passage. My generation had its horror flicks, and the previous one did as well. And they were undeniably violent. The 1970s saw the release of The Exorcist, Dawn of the Dead, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Yet, we didn't see high school kids running around campus with chainsaws and shooting people in the head that looked like they could have been zombies (and NO, you can't blame the JFK and Martin Luther King, Jr. assassinations on George Romero, that was the 60's). Finally, consider what an R-rating means: no one under the age of 17 admitted without a parent. Almost one-half of all high school students ARE seventeen or older! Why shouldn't a film studio be able to advertise to that segment of the publication's readers? After all, you don't see anyone telling Propecia that they can't advertise their dangerous-to-women hair-replacement product in magazines like People and Entertainment Weekly because women comprise a great percentage of their readership. It's stupid to say a company can't advertise where children may see ads promoting products intended for adults. After all, many people let their kids watch shows like NYPD Blue and thumb through their Playboy magazines. In truth, children can be exposed to advertising meant for adults anywhere. I have one more example, and it's a doozy. The FTC accuses several video game manufacturers of aggressively targeting underage gamers by advertising M-rated video games on websites such as happypuppy.com. For those who don't know, Happy Puppy is a very popular computer gaming site. Although a majority of visitors to the site are under 17, it has to be stressed that Happy Puppy is a website devoted to video games and people who like playing them! Is the FTC saying that a company can't advertise a video game on a video game website?!!! Is it just me or does this sound like a Monty Python sketch? All of this illustrates the point that most people of reason are already aware of. It's very easy to yell and make mean faces at the companies who make violent movies, produce violent or hateful music, or create violent video games for directing some of their ads towards kids, but their industries have already done a pretty damn good job of self-regulating themselves. The rest of the responsibility for keeping inappropriate material out of your child's hands rests with you. I'm not going to take the stance that outside media such as TV, film, and music don't have an effect on a developing child, they most certainly do. However, you do too. And your influence is much more powerful and direct than any John Woo movie or Eminem CD. In a world where parents are spending more and more time working, children are going to see movies and TV shows that are intended for adults, often without their parents' awareness. The real problem with this is that too many parents don't feel the need to discuss appropriate behavior and good sense with their children. (I don't use the word morality because I'm of the firm belief that morality is relative.) Children realize that what they see on TV isn't real, but it's up to you to tell them how false most of it is. After all, if the show looks real, if it takes place in familiar-looking surroundings, a child has trouble distinguishing. All it takes is a discussion about how people on television or in film act differently than people do in real life, and that's what makes it entertaining. And if you don't feel that your child is at the age that he or she can understand and participate in a discussion like that, then DON'T LET YOUR KID SEE IT!!!! It works the other way as well. Some children mature faster than others. Unlike what a lot of psychologists would have us believe, I don't think this is a bad thing. I think it's very natural in some cases. If a child is mature enough to see a movie like The Matrix or Scary Movie, no one should tell that child (or his parents) that he shouldn't see it. Quite frankly, and this is something I wish I could tell Al and George W., it's not our goddamn business. My girlfriend and I were raised pretty differently. I wasn't allowed to see any R-rated movies until I was around 13 or 14 years old. Sure, I occasionally snuck over to a friends house to watch Porky's or First Blood, but for the most part I wasn't exposed to strong violence and sex until my mother thought I was mature enough to deal with it. My girlfriend, on the other hand, grew up watching pretty much everything. However, her parents watched it all with her and answered any questions that she had. We're not violent people. I've never even been in a fight (although that probably has a lot more to do with the fact that I'd get my ass kicked in a fight with Betty White, let alone most guys my age). I own a gun, but neither of us have used it to shoot up a high school. Had we been raised without parental control, it's uncertain if we'd be the same people we are today. But the fact of the matter is that our parents did a hell of a job raising us, and a big part of it was simply acting like fucking parents and telling us when something was inappropriate. Of course, none of this is going to change the way they see things in Washington. After all, they're having too much fun playing Political Chairs to care (except for maybe Al Gore, who sometimes looks like he's continuing a game of "Freeze Tag" that he started playing as a child). However, I have a new game for them to play. Since they seem to be wasting our time with this nonsense, we may as well make it entertaining. As children, my friends and family used to play a birthday game called "Busy Bee" (or something like that, I've tried to push this one out of my memory) where our parents would blow up a shitload of balloons, tape a long thumb-tack or push-pin to our asses, and time us while we tried to pop as many balloons as possible in a given period of time by sitting on them. (I swear that we actually did this.) Anyhow, I think it would be a great game for Washington to adapt, but this time, let's not change the rules. Let's keep the game exactly as I played it as a child. They wouldn't be embarrassing themselves any more than they already are, and we'd have some entertainment that everyone, child or adult, could enjoy. |