By The Sarge
I barely even remember this show.
Opening antics Big matches: DDP & Luger vs. Hall & Macho and Flair & Hennig vs. Kon(n)an & Syxx. Good matches: we'll have to see.
Also, Sting has to give "his answer" -- whatever the fuck that means -- tonight. This brings about footage of J.J. Dillon, who I like to call J.D. Jillon, calling out Sting to tell him what he wants. Captivating.
By the way, it's the Pay-Per-View Crew (Tony, Bobby, Dusty) doing the commentary honours.
Jarrett's music plays, which means we'll get to see Mongo...
WCW U.S. Heavyweight Title Match
Jeff Jarrett (champion) vs. Steve McMichael
This is Jarrett's hometown, you know. Is it just me or did these two wrestle against or
with each other on every show for the year Jarrett was in WCW? This time, Debra's
with Jarrett -- not Mongo. Tony tries to tell us that this is "a gala night." Right. Your
standard Mongo-Jarrett exchange -- the kind where Jarrett slams Mongo, who goes to
the corner and looks pissed while Jarrett dances -- starts things out. Mongo falls on his
face and Jarrett does the chop-block and lays across the top rope. Mongo's pissed and
Jarrett hides on the floor. Some Mongo offense (clotheslines 'n' shit) sends Jarrett to
the floor, where Mongo's wife consoles him. Commercial break. When we come back,
Jarrett and Mongo are fighting on the floor! Mongo gets tossed into the ringsteps a
couple times and tossed back in the ring. Lots o' chokin' on the second rope. Debra
holds Mongo while Jarrett gives him a hip-butt. Sleeperhold by Jarrett. Mongo pushes
out and gets a sleeper of his own. Debra distracts Referee Randy Anderson to allow
Eddie Guerrero to run in and... accidentally nail Jarrett with the U.S. title. Mongo tosses
Eddie to the floor and covers Jarrett for the win and the title at 8:07. You know,
when I think great U.S. champions -- the kind of wrestlers that make me upset that the
title has been forgotten -- I think... "Mongo." If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give
it: *1/2. No better or worse than their epic Superbrawl VII classic. Take
that for what it's worth.
Gene brings out "Das Wunderkind" Alex Wright to talk. He does so in German, which really pisses off Gene. So does a joke about the Ultimo/Ultimate Dragon. Really, really bad talking. Gene cuts him off, which may or may not have been planned, and ends the interview. Wright dances.
When we come back from commercials, Gene (who's working his ass off tonight) is talking to that douchebag from Dinner & A Movie while they prepare a meal. This, apparently, is what makes this a "gala night."
Stevie Richards vs. Raven
If you missed it, I'm not on crack. Stevie Richards really was in WCW. For about
a month. This match came about because Raven slapped Stevie around -- like that
never happened before. Of course, WCW never explained that he'd been treating
Stevie like crap for two years in ECW. Raven, of course, demands that this becomes
No-Disqualification. Stevie's down with that. Raven goes to work with some punches, a
ram into a turnbuckle -- then tosses Stevie to the floor. Flying body attack by Raven
(plancha?) connects. Tony points out Raven's fucked up ankle. Back in the ring, some
"wrestling" (?), and Raven takes control. Lots o' kicks and stuff. Raven throws Stevie
to the floor again. Stevie makes it to the apron, but Raven knocks him down again.
Raven runs off the apron with an elbow drop, and drops another one from the apron for
good measure. Raven tosses a chair in the ring and opens it. Drop-toehold by Raven
sends Stevie face-first into the chair. Raven bulldogs Stevie on the chair, which
warrants some sitting in the corner. Raven leans the chair in the corner, but Stevie
reverses an Irish whip into it and sends Raven in. Stevie battles back with some
punches and a flying headbutt. Side Salto by Stevie. Raven catches the Morality
Check. Both guys trade two-counts on non-threatening shit. Raven punches Stevie in
the gut and DDTs him for the 1-2-3 at 5:03. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give
it: **1/2. What was here was done well but, all tolled, the match was kind of
squashish.
Up Next: Ultimo/Ultimate Dragon attempts a defense of his TV title.
Among the commercials we get to see is one for the WCW Power Plant. A tear rolls down the grizzled cheek of Paul Orndorff.
Here's a twist: Mike Tenay gets to show his mug on camera. He's very happy to present a video package detailing the history of Ultimo Dragon and his name. I ain't buyin' any- uh this crap.
WCW World Television Title Match
Alex Wright vs. Ultimo Dragon (champion)
Finally... they start calling him "Ultimo." It only took them a fucking year. Tenay
joins the crew for this one. Some nice wrestling starts, with brief breaks for Alex Wright
cocky heel antics. Some nice rolling and flipping by Alex. Then some by Ultimo, who
works in a wristlock. Eye-poke by Wright. Wright takes advantage until a Dragon
shoulderblock. Dragon starts with some of (I hate) those knife-edge chops, does the
headstand on the turnbuckle, and lays in with those stiff kicks. Reverse chinlock, which
Wright escapes with a jawbreaker. Dragon jumps right into a powerbomb. Backbreaker
by Wright. Bobby's getting pissed by Wright not going for covers. Another backbreaker
gets a two-count. Gut-wrench suplex by Wright. Commercial break (including an ad for
your very own Syxx t-shirt... call 1-800-NWO-0242). When we come back, we've got
Wright with a sleeper or something on Dragon. He breaks that, slams Dragon, and
drops a knee off the top. Gay dancing by Wright is followed by a sleeper. Dragon
elbows his way out, runs around like a bastard, and locks in a sleeper of his own.
Dragon flips out of a back suplex and gives Wright a back suplex of his own. Some toe-
to-toe uppercuts and forearms. Back suplex and Wright starts to go to the top. Dragon
springboards off the second rope and dropkicks him to the floor. Dragon fakes a
plancha, then tries another -- but Wright avoids it. Some brawling and Wright gets
whipped into the rail, allowing Dragon to hit the Asai moonsault. They head back in and
Dragon sets Wright up on the top rope for the Super Frankensteiner. Wright reverses
and tries a superplex, but Dragon blocks that and both land awkwardly. La Mahistrol
cradle by Dragon gets him a two-count. Wright blocks a handspring elbow with a back
elbow, then puts his feet on the ropes for a two-count. Wright escapes a German
suplex. Some brief rolling around and two-counts. And a German suplex by Wright
gets him the win and the title at 13:54. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give
it: ***1/2. Exciting and well-done contest. It was hurt a little bit from having
the radically average Alex Wright in it, but this was during the couple of months that he
was working his ass off. I don't know who the crack-smoker that put this anywhere but
the opening match was, though. Fuck.
Among the ads we get to see: one for WCW merchandise, starring Public Enemy. That's one good thing you can say about Bischoff: we gave everybody a chance to sell crap.
WCW Cruiserweight Title Match
Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Jericho (champion)
Eddie's newly heel and fucking awesome. He's also in great shape. An early exchange
by Eddie shows how great he is and how average Jericho is. A couple armdrags and a
dropkick by Jericho. Eddie complains about a hair-pull. Damn... I love Eddie. Eddie
jumps into a press-slam, then one of those press-drops. Eddie starts to complain to
Referee Mark Curtis but rolls to the floor when he can't think of anything to complain
about. Eddie runs around to the other side of the ring and gets Jericho from behind. A
back elbow by Eddie and he goes to the apron and slingshots himself back in with one
of those rolling splashes. Eddie puts Jericho on the top rope and Frankensteiners him.
Interestingly enough, while Eddie is standing on the top and yapping at the fans, you can
see Jericho raise his hands so he can hold Eddie to help with the Frankensteiner. Good
one, Chris. Eddie gets a two-count from that. Eddie walks the ropes and tries a
headscissors takedown, but Jericho turns it into a sloppy-assed powerbomb. Jericho
delivers the worst giant swing EVER, practically dragging Eddie on the mat and
going slower than shit. From there, Jericho continues the fuck-ups by tripping over the
top rope on a springboard cross-body and falling to the floor. Then check out the move
where Eddie gets "suplexed" to the floor from the ring. He practically has to jump over
because Jericho ain't movin' a muscle on that one. Back to the ring, superplex by Eddie
gets a two-count. Eddie escapes a powerbomb -- among other moves -- butt gets
German suplexed by Jericho. Some rolling around... and Jericho manages to stay in the
same zip code as Eddie drags him all over the mat. Eddie manages to keep both
shoulders on the mat while having to hold Jericho on top of him. Jericho gets an
incredibly undeserved win at 6:40. After the match, Eddie rightfully beats the shit
out of Jericho, giving him a brainbuster and a frog splash (with the belt laid across
Jericho's tummy). If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: *1/2. And
it only gets those snowflakes due to Eddie. Jericho was seriously horrible here.
Meanwhile, Eddie wrestled a good match and did plenty of great heel antics. Too bad
Y2J wasted 'em all.
An ad for Fall Brawl stars Rage of High Voltage. OK, you've got me... I thought Hugh Morrus in an Uncensored commercial was something.
Psychosis, Silver King, Villano IV & Villano V vs. Juventud Guerrera, Super
Calo, Hector Garza & Lizmark Jr.
Sonny Onoo comes out with the Rudos (Psychosis, Silver King, and Los Villanos), just
to annoy me. I wonder if Garza's gonna hit a corkscrew? Calo and Villano IV start out
with some nifty rolling around and flipping. Great athleticism here. Neither man is hitting
anything, but there are some cool escapes and reversals. Clothesline by Villano. Calo
dropkicks Silver King, then tilt-a-whirls Villano and tags in Garza. Garza misses a
Stinger Splash. Silver King gets tagged in and misses a butt-smash in the Tecnico
corner. Lots of flipping here. And lots of amazing shit I won't pretend to have seen
before. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Garza. Both guys get knocked to the floor.
Juventud and Psychosis come in now. A couple stiff kicks by Psychosis knock Juvy
down and then to the floor. Garza and Villano IV come in. Lizmark joins the fray and he
and Garza get taken down simultaneously by a headlock takedown and headscissors
from Villano. Silver King comes in and the Rudos do matching monkey flips. Silver and
Villano then get backdropped -- simultaneously -- to the floor and Calo gives both of
them a somersault plancha. Lizmark follows with a suicide dive over the top. Garza
gets down on all fours in the ring, and Juvy launches off of him to the floor. Garza starts
up top, but gets yanked down by Villano V -- who goes to the floor with a suicide dive of
his own. This leaves Psychosis in there. Calo comes in and tries a headscissors off the
top, but Sonny holds on to Psychosis's foot, which blocks the hold and sends Calo to the
mat. A Psychosis legdrop gets him and the Rudos the victory at 4:51. If I was a
Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***. Formulaic? Sure. Fun as all get-out?
Definitely.
More antics with Gene and that shitbag from Dinner & A Movie. They've been cooking "Macho Nachos," "Macho Mayonnaise," "Savage Garden Salad," and other shit. Then "WCW Cream Puffs" for DDP. The asshole Dinner & A Movie guy and the cook take off their shirts revealing Macho Man t-shirts. Yup, they're with the NWO. Gene acts like this is the Holocaust Come To Atlanta. Savage comes out and says some stupid shit. DDP comes out and trashes the set -- then gives the Dinner & A Movie guy a Diamond Cutter.
Wow. That was surreal. But strangely enjoyable.
"Stagger" Lee Marshall does one of those God-awful 1-800-COLLECT Road Report things. He's in Columbia, SC. I'm glad I'm not.
Syxx & Konnan vs. Ric Flair & Curt Hennig
Apparently this is an NWO Birthday Party, even though the two arguable dates of birth
would be May 27 (the first time Scott Hall showed up on Nitro) or July 8 (the Nitro when
they actually first used the words "New World Order"). Oh well. Fuck details. Hennig
and Konnan start out. Hennig spits on Konnan. Both guys trade lock-ups and go-
behinds and jazz. Some more chain wrestling that's both fast and nice. Konnan was
still good at this point, but starting to lose it. Konnan backs Hennig into the corner and
tags Syxx in. Hennig gets to the other corner and tags Flair. Syxx shoulderblocks Flair
and puts the fists to him. Flair Chop in the corner. Syxx backdrops Flair. A couple
more Flair Chops. Snapmare and knee-drop by Flair gets a two-count. Syxx gets
backdropped and chopped. Ric tags Hennig in, who delivers a couple chops of his own.
A knee-lift sends Syxx to the corner, where he tags Konnan. Hennig takes Konnan
down and they exchange hammerlocks and stuff. Shoulderblock sends Hennig down.
Konnan takes Hennig into the corner. Syxx comes in. Flair does to. All four pair off and
Flair tries a figure-four on Konnan. Hennig accidentally (?) shoots Syxx across the ring,
where he nails Flair in the knee. Flair and Syxx get out of the ring. Perfectplex by
Hennig on Konnan... three-count. The time: 5:09. If I was a Snowflake type of guy,
I'd give it: **. Entertaining enough match, but way too short and felt like
something you'd see on Nitro -- or even Saturday Night if Ric dared slum it.
Gene talks to Hennig in the ring. Both Gene and Flair are puzzled by Hennig's reluctance to answer the "are you a Horseman?" question. Hennig bails.
Michael Buffer's in the ring. Apparently the following is "a tag team match like no other in the history of professional wrestling." You be the judge...
A bunch of NWO guys come out with the "two men with a no holds barred bad attitude." What's with all this "Happy Birthday NWO" shit? A bunch of black and white balloons fall from the roof. Savage says some shit and Nash tells us that he's letting Macho defend the belt for him, making this a title match. Those darn "verbal binding contracts." Thankfully WCW goes to commercials to let us get back to Earth after that shocking announcement.
WCW World Tag Team Title Match
Macho Man Randy Savage & Scott Hall (champions) vs. Diamond Dallas Page &
Lex Luger
Wow. Randy Macho and Hall defending Hall & Nash's tag titles. In the logical world,
that means that DDP & Lex are gonna win. Right? Buffer, being the fucking idiot he is,
calls DDP "Double D." Almost all the NWO members go back to the dressing room.
However, Nash and Liz stick around so they can cheat. The crowd's more into popping
those stupid balloons than this match. Frankly, I can't blame them. Luger and Hall start
things out all locky-uppy style. Luger's too powerful and shoves Hall down a couple
times. Hall shoots Luger to the floor, where he gets distracted by Macho Liz and
clotheslined in the back o' the head by Nash. Unshady Ref Nick Patrick throws Nash
out. Luger makes a tag and DDP's all house-a-fire. He beats the poo out of both NWO
guys for a bit. Hall trips DDP and Macho regains the advantage. Hall gets tagged in
and gets a fallaway slam on DDP. They're working over the ribcage, you know. Too
bad DDP doesn't have the ribs taped up. Random nefarious behind-the-ref's-back
double-team shit by Hall and Savage. DDP tries fighting out of the corner, but a tag
attempt gets cut off by Hall. Macho tagged in and he tosses DDP to the floor. Savage
works DDP over on the floor and throws him back in. Hall gets tagged in and does
Scott Hall stuff. He tags Macho back in for more crap. Savage only stays in for a
second and tags Hall. DDP manages one of those spin-around clotheslines and makes
the hot tag. Luger's all house-a-fire and "beats up" both NWO guys with heaps of shitty
clotheslines. Luger throws Savage over-the-top, but Patrick didn't see it. Hall gets
Racked, but Savage makes the tag. Luger gets sent into DDP from behind and DDP,
not knowing who ran into him, accidentally gives Luger a Diamond Cutter -- and Hall
covers for the win at 9:54. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it:
**. Nothing really shitty, but completely by-the-numbers and pretty boring.
After the match, pamphlets fall from the ceiling. Don't go away... we've got more...
Back from commercials, the NWO guys come back to the ring. Fuck... that hand gesture is soooooo cool! Bischoff gets the mic and does birthday shit. Savage calls this "greatest night of my life!" That's really sad. Bischoff kisses the asses of Hall and Nash and Nash uses an Austin Powers line. Also really sad. Bischoff wants an NWO show. Remember how well that worked? Other assorted bullshit that I won't bother getting into, then...
The lights fade in and out and this weird "atmospheric" music plays. We see Sting in the rafters holding a crow. We hear a child's voice reading off this cryptic bullshit, ending with "this... is... Sting." The lights go out for a bit. And when they come back on, the crow is standing on the top rope. The NWO guys stand around acting scared and shit. This is some of the worst wrestling television ever. And we end.
In conclusion...
Fuck. I was going to say "good for a latter day Clash" until they ruined it with the bullshit
at the end. All tolled, though, the in-ring action was perfectly fine given the price of the
show (free) and nothing really sucked -- except maybe the Mongo-Jarrett match and
Jericho's crappy-assed performance. But it was still alright. I don't think the crappiness
of the last segment should ruin that. But it almost does.