By The Sarge
So I was just watching a bit of a Canadian independent film and there was a lesbian sex scene. It was OK. The build-up to the kiss was decent and both gals were OK looking. One of them, however, had a nasty-assed femullet.
This whole scenario got me thinking about WCW's Fall Brawl 1996.
Here goes...
Opening segment
Your standard WCW PPV video package recaps the brief history of the ever-dastardly
NWO. The old codgers did some mildly bad-assed stuff in their first four months of
existence.
The double-rings and fireworks are seen. The Three Wisemen (Tony, Bobby, and Dusty) are at the helm. It's War Games! Dammit! WCW vs. NWO! Yeah! The Three Wisemen were still fleeced, thinking that Sting was in the NWO. This was due to the first "bogus Sting" (who actually did resemble Sting). We're treated to video of the fake Sting beating down Luger.
Diamond Dallas Page vs. Chavo Guerrero, Jr.
DDP was feuding with the Guerrero family and Chavo was greener than grass. Chavo
dropkicks DDP to the floor and follows with a somersault plancha. Chavo kicks the crap
out of DDP on the floor, rolls him back in, slingshots over with a splash and gets a two-
count. Chavo sinches in an armbar forever. DDP battles out, but Chavo locks it in
again. If this actually went anywhere, it would be good. DDP elbows the kid down. A
tilt-a-whirl by DDP turns into an armdrag by Chavo. Chavo misses a dropkick and ends
up on the floor. Back in, DDP nails Chavo with a clothesline from the top rope. DDP
gets all cocky and stomps and punches the crap out of Chavo. Chavo gets a two-count
with a small package. DDP beats on him again. DDP gets Chavo in a back suplex
position but flips him over and slams him face-first instead. DDP locks on a cobra clutch
and the production crew decides to show a wide shot of the cage. Chavo tries to mount
a young babyface comeback. DDP misses a kick and does a Home Alone fall. Chavo
hits a springboard bodypress and a dropkick from the top rope. Chavo with a
headscissors takedown from the top, which gets a two-count. The DDP "back elbow
and foot-on-ropes" combo gets a two-count. DDP tosses Chavo into the second ring
and side-slams him for a two-count. Headscissors takedown by Chavo. Rollup by
Chavo gets a two-count. DDP hits a NICE tilt-a-whirl into a powerbomb for a two-
count. DDP goes for a Diamond Cutter, Chavo tries a backslide out of it, but gets
swung around and DDP hits the Cutter for the win at 13:07. If I was a Snowflake
type of guy, I'd give it: ***1/2. Much better match than anybody could've
guessed, given the fact that Chavo only had a couple WCW matches under his belt.
Nice closing minutes and good intensity.
We're taken to Gene, sitting in front of an undisclosed blue-screen. He has a special report titled "The Attack." It's a history package of all the NWO's dastardly deeds. This package is actually a lot less boring now than it was live.
Submission Match
Scott Norton vs. Ice Train
Good Lord. I remember not minding this match at the time. I can't believe that
now. This, of course, is the pay-off to the feud between the former Fire & Ice members.
Teddy Long is Ice Train's motivational "guy." And I care. Submission matches usually
don't work when neither guy uses a submission hold as a finisher. Referee Mark Curtis
has a mic, which the guy that "uncles" (as Dusty puts it) has to "uncle" into. A bunch of
boring big man power wrestling dominates this. It's really slow and not interesting. Plus,
given the fact that nobody gave a shit about either guy, nobody gives a shit about this
match. Fuck it... I'm fast-forwarding. Both guys sporadically attempt submission holds,
but they don't actually work over a single body part in particular and tend to jump around
between body parts. For instance, Norton goes from an armbar to a Quebec Crab? Ice
Train tries a camel clutch, then an armbar. The ending comes when Teddy Long gets
choked by Norton and Train applies the full-nelson to Train. Norton taps out (making
the mic in the ring completely pointless) to the full-nelson -- just so he can be the first
guy since 1958 to do so -- at 7:18. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it:
*. They tried but this was insanely boring and should've been on Nitro or
Saturday Night instead.
Mexican Heavyweight Title Match
Juventud Guerrera vs. Konan (champion?)
I have no idea what Mexican title they're talking about. CMLL? AAA? No promotion's
specified and "K-Dawg" doesn't bring a belt to the ring. Juventud trips over the steps on
his way to the ring. That's some unintentional "ha-ha." Konan's dressing like a rapper
and a member of the Dungeon of Doom by this point. Tenay's out because it's an
"international" match. To start the match, Konan German suplexes Juventud onto his
face and tosses him to the floor in a pretty sizable bump. Juventud springboards off
three sets of ropes into a spin-kick. Tony chimes in to tell us that this was
originally supposed to be Konan vs. Psicosis, but "Psi" is injured. Konan goes to the
floor, but Juvy hits him with a suicide dive. Konan whips Juvy into the rail, but Juvy
counters, hops on the top of the rail and attempts a huracanrana -- only to be
powerbombed on the floor by Konan. And there's nothing quite like hearing Jimmy Hart
say "Arriba la rasa!" Back in the ring, Konan does that awful somersault into a
clothesline -- but with actual momentum. Konan applies an "unorthodox" submission
hold that probably hurts Juvy's shoulder, neck, and leg. Konan boots Juvy out of the
first ring and he heads into the second. Juvy springboards from the second ring and
headscissors Konan (who's standing between the rings) back into the first one. Konan
goes to the floor and Juvy nails him with a springboard bodypress. And we hit the
five-minute mark. Konan gets rolled back in and Juvy springboard dropkicks him.
Juvy gets backdropped out of one ring and hung up on the top rope of the second.
Konan powerbombs Juvy from between the rings back into the first ring. Konan locks
on a painful looking ankle-lock type hold and turns it into a quasi-STF. Juvy goes
between the rings and tries a springboard moonsault but misses. Konan gives Juvy a
HUGE powerbomb. Dropkick to the knee by Konan and Konan does the Benoit (now
Angle) multiple German suplexes -- but only does two. Juvy goes for a walk around the
ring and you can hear him say "oh fuck." Juvy back in with a springboard dropkick.
Juvy takes Konan to the apron and tries the sunset flip (or "powerbomb") from the apron
to the floor -- Konan fights out of it. Konan dropkicks him off the apron. Tony chuckles
and says "they take a lot more risks than American wrestlers." No shit. Konan goes up
top but Juvy crotches him, climbs up and does a pointless backflip. Konan comes off
with a dropkick. Juvy gets a couple two-counts with rolly-uppy type pins. Konan tries to
suplex Juvy to the floor from the ring, but Juvy slips out and hits him with a springboard
spin-wheel kick. Juvy gets slammed -- HARD. Tony's never seen a move like
that... and neither have I. Konan to the apron, Juvy springboard dropkicks him and
drapes him face-up (half in the ring) on the second rope. From there, Juvy gets a
somersault legdrop on Konan. Juvy hits the 450 for a two-count, then gets two with an
unidentified spinny splashy type thing off the top. Juvy gets sent into the corner and
tries to float over, but gets caught and whipped to the mat (see the Konan vs. Liger
match at Slamboree '96... same move) for a two-count. Konan sets Juvy up on the top
and gets a HUGE cradle DDT for a two. Konan then sets Juvy up and gives him
the "Power Drop" (Splash Mountain... Razor's Edge) off the top rope and that
finally ends this at 13:45. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it:
****1/2. Sure, it was mostly just a series of spots, but there were so many and
they came so fast. This is easily the best Konan match I've seen and possibly
the best Juventud one.
Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit
Jericho's a face and has dorky music. Benoit's a heel (sort of) and gets more cheers
than Y2J. Benoit starts strong and whips Jericho all over the place -- to great fan
approval. Spinebuster by Benoit, then his own version of Walls of Jericho. Benoit
attempts a powerbomb, but Jericho reverses for a sunset flip. Brief rolly-aroundy
segment legs to a couple pin attempts. Benoit gets knocked to the apron and Jericho
does the springboard dropkick to knock Benoit to the floor. Jericho follows with a
springboard off the second rope into a senton or "back elbow" or something -- but lands
back first on the edge of the apron. Benoit back in and Jericho says "Yeah!" and gets
booed. Jericho follows with a dropkick from the top. Powerbomb by Jericho gets a two-
count. A tiger suplex by Jericho. Punching, chopping, and chest-slapping from both
guys. Benoit gets sent to the apron and back suplexes Jericho to the floor. Benoit
asks Jericho if he wants to be famous, but Jericho doesn't answer. Benoit ruffs up
Jericho and keeps shouting "come on, Jericho!" More chops and chest-slaps. Jericho
goes down after an eye-gouge. Benoit gets Y2J with the abdominal stretch. Bobby
discusses the finer technical points of the move -- you've got to grapevine the leg. The
diving headbutt by Benoit gets a two-count. Benoit tosses Jericho to the floor. Jericho
has a goofy look on his face. Back in, medium-sized package by Jericho gets a two-
count. A backslide by Jericho gets a two as well. More goofy faces and selling by
Jericho. Some big "knife-edge chops" by Benoit. Some more rolling around and Jericho
gets a two-count out of something. Northern lights suplex by Jericho gets two.
Tombstone attempt by Benoit gets reversed by Jericho into a tombstone of his own.
Jericho asks the fans if they are "ready" and gets booed. Benoit moves out of the way
of a Lionsault but Jericho lands on his feet (of course) and clotheslines Benoit. Dusty
goes out on a limb and says that Jericho could be "a major star here in WCW."
Huracanrana off the top rope by Jericho. Jericho gets sent into the corner and tries to
jump on the top, but gets crotched. From there, a back superplex by Benoit gets him
the pin at 14:37. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ****. Great
match -- probably Jericho's best with WCW.
WCW Cruiserweight Title Match
Super Calo vs. Rey Mysterio, Jr. (champion)
Tenay's back. Oh joy. He gives a brief history of Calo, but it's nothing worth repeating.
Handshake to start. Some poorly received mat wrestling starts things out. Calo
powerslams Rey and drops an elbow from the second rope. Calo works over Rey's arm
with some shoulder thrusts, but Rey fights back with some flipping. Rey goes to the
apron and springboards back in with a headscissors takedown that sends Calo out of
the ring. Calo comes back in and catches Rey in a powerbomb position, bounces him
off the top rope, and finishes the powerbomb. Calo to the top, where he shoulderblocks
Rey and clotheslines him to the floor. Calo follows Rey to the floor with a dropkick from
the top rope. Calo bodyslams Rey on the floor and heads back in the ring to do a
somersault senton thing on Rey. Back in the ring, Rey runs into a big side-slam. Calo
tosses Rey into the other ring, puts Rey on the top rope and headscissors him down for
a two-count. Calo focuses on Rey's arm again and locks in a "short-arm scissors"
(Dusty likes this move; Pat O'Connor used it on him for 30 minutes once). Calo
dropkicks Rey in the arm. A Calo clothesline kind of gets botched. Calo slaps on
another submission hold or two... including the Mexican Surfboard. Dusty hints that Rey
sucks tonight. So far he's kind of right. Rey starts a comeback with a dropkick and a
really messy spot that results in Calo on the floor and Rey hitting a somersault plancha.
Rey tosses Calo back in and springboards in with something, but gets dropkicked in
mid-air. Calo goes after Rey's arm again with an armbar and an armbreaker on the top
rope. They fight through both rings and onto the apron. Rey grabs Calo by the hand,
springboards on the top and twists around with a huracanrana to the floor. Rey goes
back in and hits another somersault plancha. Calo sent back in and a Rey
springboard sunset flip gets a two-count. Rey hops up on Calo's shoulders for a victory
roll but gets an electric chair. 'Rana by Rey gets a two-count. Tony says he's getting
tired just calling this, which is the cue to end the match. Rey springboards from the
apron of one ring to the top rope and backflips into the second ring. From there, he
springboards off the top ropes of both rings into a huracanrana and the pin at 15:47.
If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***1/2. This one started
slow, but the last few minutes were super-hot. Calo looked really good here. Too bad
he never got much of a shake with WCW.
WCW World Tag Team Title Match
Nasty Boys vs. Harlem Heat (champion)
Well, the first five matches featured four damn fine "bouts." It's doubtful this one will add
to the total of "great shit." Sherri and Col. Parker accompany Booker and his brother to
the ring. Sherri looks awful. So does the Colonel and both Nastys. Jerry Sags and
Stevie Ray start things with big man crap like only Stevie and Sags can do. What's it
say for Winston-Salem when the last match got boring chants and this one has the fans
pretty stoked? Some staredowns on the floor slow things down -- if that's possible.
Nastys tag and Dusty goes nuts for "clubberin'." Booker gets tagged in, but he's not
especially good at this point so it's more of the same. A decent double-team move
where Knobbs drop-toeholds Booker and Sags kneedrops him. Nastys make some
quick tags and Sags says "Nasty, baby" for no reason at all. Nastys signal for the Pit
Stop, but Sherri breaks it up. Referee Mark Curtis tries to restore order and Harlem
Heat double-teams Knobbs. The camera spends way too much time on Sherri.
Stevie Ray's in there and this is slower than death. The Book locks on his patented
reverse-chinlock. Dammit... what a boring match. I'm not even gonna bother with the
rest of this crap. Notable moment: Sherri gets involved. Another notable moment:
Sherri gets involved again. Another notable moment: I start to fast-forward.
Sherri gets pulled into the ring, which hurts her -- only until she exits the ring. A brutal
looking piledriver by Sags on Book gets a two-count. Sags goes up top and Colonel
pokes him down. More fast-forwarding through crappy "big man" shit and non-
threatening two-counts. Fuck... the Nastys are terrible. Nastys do that finisher
where Sags pump-handle-slams the guy and Knobbs does a shitty splash off the second
rope. Parker distracts the ref and Sherri smokes Knobbs with the Colonel's cane,
allowing the Book to cover him at 15:30. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give
it: *1/2. Really boring match that went way too long, focused too much on
shit, and didn't possess anything exciting.
Tony shows us how we can bring a little bit of Fall Brawl home with us. Then we get an ad for how we can a Fall Brawl t-shirt. Well... it is What the Big Boys Wear.
Tenay interviews Randy Macho Savage Man about his upcoming match against Giant (no "The"). Randy Macho is even more incoherent than ever, but he does manage to say "thinkin', thinkin', thinkin'." He also hypes his match at the next PPV against Hogan. Good work, Randy.
Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Giant
This one's billed as a "Grudge Match." Now I'm excited. This is shortly after
Giant's turn to the NWO. Nick Patrick's the ref and this was when he was shady and
sleazy; but hadn't "come out" as an NWOer. Savage won't let Giant into the ring, tries
to slam him on the floor but gets squished by Giant. Giant press-slams Savage back
into the ring and does his Giant moves on him, none of which is particularly interesting
or worth mentioning. Suffice to say, though, that it was "all Big Show." Everybody in the
crowd starts to look in another direction -- and with good reason. Giant does a Quebec
Crab?!?! What? More Giant crap, including a bearhug. Giant misses a knee-drop and
starts limping. Savage gets a two-count with an axe-handle. Savage slams Giant!!!
Hogan makes his way down as Savage hits the big elbow off the top. Hogan lures
Savage to the entryway where the Outsiders punk him out with a chair. Nick Patrick's
looking the other way the whole time. The old guys carry the other old guy back to the
ring where Giant pins him for the win at 7:46. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd
give it: *. The screwjob sucked, but it was still marginally better than the
Savage vs. Giant match at Road Wild '97.
Tony tells us that Savage is receiving medical treatment, which unfortunately didn't prevent him from filming a horrible promo video for Slim Jim's Halloween Havoc.
The cages lower. We're then treated to a passable interview with Tenay talking to Flair, Anderson, and Luger. Sting comes in and says that it wasn't him that attacked Lex on Monday. Luger doesn't by it and Sting says he'll see him "in a while."
War Games Double-Cage Match
Ric Flair, Arn Anderson & Lex Luger vs. Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Hollywood Hogan
& mystery partner
War Games, for those unfamiliar with the match, is a double-ring, double-cage match.
There are some kind of complicated rules where there are periods. The first period is
one-on-one and lasts five minutes. At the end of each period, a new competitor enters
as determined by "toin coss." Each period after the first is two minutes. This goes on
until all eight men are in the ring. Wins are obtained via submission. Buffer asks if
we're ready and we're off. Hall and Arn start the match off with some standard brawling
and not a lot of use of the cage. Hall traps Arn between the apron and the cage and
smacks his head on the cage. Arn, aware that victory's gained through "the tap out,"
works over Hall's knee. Some more punching and kicking and Nick Patrick being the
heel ref. Arn puts the sleeper on Hall. Spinebuster by Arn -- always good to see. Arn
with a half-crab. Next man in the match is... Kevin Nash of the Oldsiders. He actually
runs to the ring. Wow... he's earned his pay for the night. Outsiders double-
team Arn... God, Nash is bad. The heels gingerly whip Arn into the cage. With a cage
like this and two big hosses like Hall and Nash, they should be tossing Arn off the walls,
the roof, whatever. Instead, they're resorting to stomps and kicks. Luger comes in and
evens things out with a plethora of those crappy steel-plate elbow/clotheslines. Luger
rams Hall, headefirst, into the cage. Arn sends Nash into the steel. The match is
basically punching, kicking, occasional running into the cage -- nothing really innovative
or exciting. Arn DDTs Nash. Hogan enters and NWO takes the 3-2 advantage. Arn
and Lex both go after Hogan, but Hall and Nash save him. Jesus Christ, Nash is lazy.
More kicking, punching, etc. Flair finally comes in to evens it out. Hogan and Flair
square off in one ring while the other guys lay around in the second. Ric whoops Hogan
and the Outsiders try to gang up on him. Flair drills both guys in the balls. It's back to
punching and boots to the throat. Flair with the figure-four on Hogan. The fake Sting
heads down in the NWO's slot. It's pretty obvious that he's not the real Sting, actually.
Fake Sting goes after Luger. The fake Sting actually manages to do a reasonable
impersonation of Sting's offense. Hall gives Arn a Razor's Edge in the background as
Hogan rakes Arn's eyes. Hogan drops the leg on Flair. Stinger Splashes on all three
faces. The final WCW guy comes in and it's the real Sting. He takes out the fake Sting
and Stinger Splashes all four NWO guys. There's now three refs in there for some
reason. Sting tells Lex to stick it. Hogan whoops Luger and drops the leg. All three
WCW guys are getting killed. The fake Sting applies the Scorpion Deathlock to Luger
and after a minute or so, Patrick calls for the bell at 18:15. Post-match, we're treated to
our standard issue NWO gang beatdown of the faces. Savage and Giant makes
cameos, culminating with "Randy" getting chokeslammed. Elizabeth begs some
leniance from Hulk and Randy gets chokeslammed again. Hulk spraypaints Elizabeth
and Bobby calls him the lowest form of life he's ever seen. Hulk talks and spits. Tony
says it's the lowest point in the history of WCW -- something that would stand until "The
Maestro." Dusty can't come up with an over-reaction of his own so he tells Bobby to
shut up. Hogan, Hall, Nash, Giant, and DiBiase briefly pose for photos and then do
some more "menacing behaviour." God... the NWO is soooo gay. This shit goes
on forever -- "4 Life" even. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it:
**1/2. Not a good match by any means, but the well-paced and had an
interesting "swerve" with the fake Sting. Also, the match was the starting point of Sting's
"hanging out in the rafters" phase that lasted the next 15 months or so.
The Three Wisemen are distraught and disgusted. Tony turns to a side-profile that reveals a cute little mullet. Dusty mis-speaks and calls the NWO "thuggish" instead of "sluggish." Hogan brings a "This is nWo Country" sign to the Wisemen's perch and the Wisemen run away. He calls Dusty "Daydream Believer?" Giant tries some early comedy that really sucks. Nash tries to act cool. DiBiase says something about demands they made (???) and how they want them. Last shot of the night is Randy being helped to the back -- presumably for more "medical treatment."
Credits roll.
In conclusion...
This is a classic example of a show's undercard completely making up for a lacklustre
upper-card. With four damn fine matches -- including a couple that were "pretty fucking
great" -- there's enough good in-ring action lower in the card to offset the crappy Giant
vs. Savage match, the crappy tag title match, and a mediocre War Games.
Unfortunately, the 15 minutes of bullshit following the main event almost negates the few
positives of that match.
Still, the Juventud vs. Konan and Jericho vs. Benoit matches -- alone -- make this a good show. And very little is offensively bad.