By The Sarge
I watched this again because it's on the same tape as the 1996 Survivor Series. Lord knows that's the only reason...
Exciting opening...
Usual video packages and stuff. This is weird: Vince, J.R., and Lawler do their opening
spiel but we get the audio from the Spanish feed. This is the first broadcast where J.R.
wore that goofy cowboy hat.
WWF Intercontinental Title Match
Goldust vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley (champion)
Goldust was a face at this point. Yay. Did you know that all women, by nature, are
infatuated with Hunter Hearst Helmsley? That's what Todd Pettengill's voice-over in a
video package tells us. Goldust is accompanied by Marlena and Helmsley is
accompanied by Mr. Hughes or Curtis Hughes or the Big Cat or whatever he's called.
Goldust meets Helmsley in the aisle and attacks him. Hughes doesn't do anything while
Goldust is kicking the crap out of "his man." Match starts and Goldust "beats up"
Helmsley, dropping him on the guardrail. Goldust does the corner-punching, but gets an
inverted atomic drop from HHH. HHH goes for an early Pedigree but gets tossed to the
floor. Goldust nails Helmsley with the ringsteps, which are still that pretty blue colour at
this point. Goldust tries pulling HHH back in, but gets guillotined on the top rope. Vince
tells us that "George and Adam" (two assholes in Royal Rumble commercials) have
been escorted out of the building. He says it as if he was announcing somebody died.
This turns into a pretty boring slugfest, which sends Goldust to the floor. HHH follows
with an axehandle from the floor. HHH whips Goldust into the ringpost, then leans him
against the guardrail but misses a knee-something-or-other. Go'dust takes it back in the
ring and focuses on HHH's knee. Goldust slaps on a figure-four for a couple minutes.
HHH escapes to the floor, but gets chop-blocked and called "a piece of shit." Hughes
does nothing the whole time. Great bodyguard. Goldust drops HHH knee-first on the
ringsteps. All three commentators are acting like this is the ultimate in hardcore shit.
I've lost track of how many times one of them have asked why there hasn't been a DQ
(even though nothing has warranted one). Goldust tries a cross-body, HHH
ducks, and Goldie falls to the floor. HHH tosses Goldust into the guardrail, then the
steps. Meanwhile, we get a brief interview with Collin Raye (by Pettengill)... in the
middle of the match. HHH regains control, but a kneedrop hurts his own leg (the one
that has supposedly been worked over)... even though he dropped the other
knee. Clothesline by Goldust, followed by a backdrop. Goldust goes up top, but
gets crotched. HHH goes up to try something, but gets knocked down. Goldust misses
the elbow off the top. Hughes tosses the belt to HHH, who goes after and kisses
Marlena. The ref's trying to get Hughes off the apron and Goldust decks HHH with the
belt. Hughes pulls HHH out of the ring before the three-count. The ref talks to Hughes,
HHH nails Goldust from behind, and Pedigrees him for the win at 16:48. If I was a
Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: **. I've seen glaciers move faster than
this match but, if done at full-speed, it could've been OK.
Bret Hart says there's gonna be one man standing at the end of this thing (the Royal Rumble), and it's gonna be him.
Mankind gets his "nice day" catchphrase in with his Rumble match promo.
Sunny and Kevin Kelly are doing the hotline, which J.R. pushes like there's no tomorrow. 1-900-737-4WWF in the US, 1-900-451-3332 in Canada.
Faarooq vs. Ahmed Johnson
The NOD entourage is pretty huge at this point. It includes PG-13, Clarence Mason,
Crush, a bunch of unnamed guys and an unnamed gal (who I'm pretty sure is the
WWF's "Jackie"). The NOD was such a good idea. Awful highlight package
shows just how bad a feud this was. We do get to see Ahmed saying "you're going
down" a few times. Remember the Kuwaiti National Championship? Neither did I.
Ahmed rushes the ring and beats Faarooq down with high-impact punches and kicks.
Faarooq's in terrible shape, by the way. Faarooq rakes Ahmed's face and punches him
a few times. Crush throws Faarooq a belt, but it ends up getting used on him by Ahmed.
The fight falls to the floor where Ahmed throws Faarooq into the ringpost and steps.
Faarooq tosses a nameless NOD member into Ahmed and clotheslines him. Faarooq
gingerly drops Ahmed on a chair, then (gingerly) hits him with it. Back in the ring,
Faarooq's in control now and talks to Crush between kicks to Ahmed's ribs. Faarooq
lays Ahmed on the top turnbuckle and kicks him in the kidneys. More kicks. Fuck.
Bowling shoe ugly? Faarooq gives Ahmed some kidney punches, then a camel clutch.
Faarooq gets up and starts yapping. Ahmed stands up, lifts Faarooq and gives him an
electric chair. Faarooq goes up top but Ahmed catches and powerslams him.
Spinebuster by Faarooq. Spinebuster by Ahmed. Crush runs in but gets tossed out.
The nameless guys hit the ring and the ref calls for the DQ at 8:45. Ahmed, of course,
dispatches of all of them. Ahmed goes after Faarooq, but one of the nameless guys
nails him from behind -- only to get nearly killed by a fucking awful Pearl River Plunge
through the French Announce Table. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it:
*. Bad fucking match, which was made worse by the cop-out ending. This was
pretty much guaranteed to be the pay-off to the several-months-long feud but, clearly, it
wasn't. Not by a long stretch, unfortunately. Thank God Ahmed is out of the business.
Pre-recorded comments from a Texas Legend, who also happens to be Terry Funk. He's in the Royal Rumble.
We then get Pettengill talking to the NOD. The post-match promo's almost as bad as the match. Faarooq does manage to get in an "Uncle Tom," though.
Vader vs. The Undertaker
Conspicuous by his absence: James E. Cornette. UT beat him up in weeks previous to
this. UT is in full Psychlo garb at this show and, of course, gets a way over-the-top (and
longer than all get-out) introduction. "There's only one Phenom in the World Wrestling
Federation... and you're looking at it!" We get loads of punching to start out. UT gets
clotheslined and does that goofy-assed sit-up. Twice! Three times! Vader tries to
leave, because he's a wimp in the WWF. UT axehandles Vader from the apron. More
uppercuts from UT. These guys were born to wrestle against each other. Vader
guillotines UT on the top rope. UT drops a leg on Vader that borders on a Fame Asser.
UT bodyslams Vader and drops another leg for a two-count. UT gets crotched on an
attempted Old School Fistdrop. Both guys are acting like they've been wrestling for 20
minutes (it's been four). Pettengill talks to some more fans during the match, including
one who -- get this -- babysat to save money to follow Shawn Michaels
everywhere. Her name's Summer Bishop. If you know her... help her.
Vader, meanwhile, has taken control of this one and doing his usual big monster
offense. Vader comes off the second rope with a bad looking shoulderblock. Vader's
holding UT... it may be a "nervy-hold." UT punches his way out and back suplexes The
Big Man. Vader goes to the second rope and comes off with something, only to get
caught powerslammed by UT. Vader powerbombs Undertaker for a two-count. Big
jumping UT clothesline. UT tries and hits the Old School Fistdrop. Paul Bearer makes
his way down the aisle. In the ring, UT chokeslams Vader and clotheslines him to the
floor. UT flips over the top and nails Bearer. UT rolls Bearer in the ring and tries a
chokeslam. Vader's back in so UT punches Bearer to the floor. Clothesline by UT
sends both men to the floor. They fight in front of the French Announce Team. UT
rearranges the ringsteps, takes a run and launches off of them. Bearer pulls Vader
away and UT lands on the guardrail. Bearer comes off the apron and smacks UT with
the urn. Back in the ring, Vader hits UT with a Vaderbomb and gets a slightly surprising
win at 13:18. Post-match, UT chokeslams Referee Jack Doan just for the fun of it and
takes a hissy, throwing shit and pointing and yapping at Vince. If I was a Snowflake
type of guy, I'd give it: **1/2. Not a good match by any means, but relatively
entertaining -- especially compared to the last match.
Honky Tonk Man's hanging out in the AOL Room -- no doubt working on a "shoot commentary" for his website.
Austin tells off a cameraman but manages to say "throw 29 other pieces of trash over the top rope."
The British Bulldog is seen entering the Alamodome, and makes the classic comment of "I'm going to win the Royal Rumble because I'm BIZARRE!!!"
Fuerza Guerrera, Heavy Metal & Jerry Estrada vs. Perro Aguayo, Canek &
Hector Garza
This is the WWF's attempt at lucha libre. Three of these guys (Guerrera, Aguayo, and
Canek) are older than dirt. And Metal and Garza are merely average. J.R. plays Tenay
here by espousing the knowledge he read five minutes before the show. Garza and
Metal start things off well enough by doing what they used to call "feeling each other
out." Perro and Estrada get tagged. Perro's in his 27th year of competition (!!!). He's
not very good, though. Estrada's not bad, though. He takes a huge backdrop to the
floor and both men tag. Fuerza (Juventud's dad) and Canek lock up. Fuerza takes
advantage and goes up top -- only to miss a senton. Canek connects with a cross-body.
J.R. tells us that he once beat Lou Thesz. Make your own comments about that. Metal
and Garza back in and they flip around a bit. Garza's always been all flash. Impressive
athleticism, though. They flip for a minute or two, shake hands, and tag Aguayo and
Estrada. Perro tags Canek right away and he engages in a test of strength with
Estrada. They exchange monkey flips and Canek alternates with dropkicks and
armdrags, before resting in with an armbar. Canek is incredibly slow. Fuerza and Perro
get tagged and slug things out. The crowd is dead as you can imagine. Perro should
watch Tough Enough to learn how to fall right. Fuerza misses a dropkick and ends up
on the floor. Perro runs into the ropes. Canek and Metal get tagged in and Canek goes
after the leg. Garza slingshots himself in with a splash on Metal's leg. Garza forearms
Metal and tries an STF that Metal escapes. Perro gets tagged in, where he drops an
elbow on Metal's knee. Perro with a standing senton. Canek gets tagged in, but
dodges out of the way of a Metal dropkick. Canek press-slams Fuerza, who ends up on
the floor. Perro, in an unintentionally hilarious moment, bounces off the ropes, runs
across the ring and stops -- only to go to the apron and nail Fuerza (on the floor) with an
unidentified flying attack. In the ring, Canek press-slams Estrada, who takes it to Garza.
Estrada to the floor and Garza hits him with a beautiful corkscrew off the top. In the
ring, Canek press-slams Metal, tags Perro -- who comes off the top rope with a double-
stomp (which barely grazes Metal) and gets the win at 10:55. J.R. and Vince lie about
this being a great exhibition. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it:
**. A couple decent moments, but a lot more non-decent moments. This was a
perfect example of just how far the WWF's collective head is buried up its ass when it
comes to non-Sportz Entertainment wrestling. To think that these old codgers is a
decent representation of present-day lucha libre is just plain ignorant. Knock the
WCW's treatment of the luchadores all you want, but then ask yourself which company
gave Juventud Guerrera a shot on PPV and which gave Fuerza Guerrera a shot.
Points for giving the match over 10 minutes.
30-Man Royal Rumble Match
Crush (1) and Ahmed Johnson (2) start off the festivities. Intervals are 90 seconds, sez
J.R. Crush hammers away at Ahmed, who does Warrior-esque rope-shaking. Ahmed
nails Crush with a clothesline and they roll around on the ground. Crush puts the boots
to Ahmed's kidneys and tries to push him over the top rope. (The Fake) Razor Ramon
(3) misses his cue and shows up late. His punches are really fruity. He gets tossed out
by Ahmed. Ahmed eliminates himself to go after Faarooq, who's making his way to
ringside. Phineas Godwinn (4) is next. It's a good old slugfest with Crush and Big
Phineas and Vince loves it. Both guys roll around a bit and resort to the punch-and-kick.
Stone Cold Steve Austin (5) comes on down to a surprisingly small reaction. Phineas
clotheslines him and Crush puts the fists to Phineas. Austin hits Crush with a Shooting
Star Press and Phineas tosses Crush out. Austin hits Phineas with Stunner #1 of the
night and tosses him out. Bart Gunn (6) is the next one in. He botches up a Fame
Asser and gets clotheslined out, leaving Austin in the ring doing push-ups and looking at
his imaginary swatch. Jake "The Snake" Roberts (7) is sober enough to come on down.
Him and Austin should share a cold one. Jake's in stellar physical condition, by the way.
Jake and Austin slug it out and Jake locks in a wristlock. Austin tries punching out, but
Jake won't break the hold. Short-arm clothesline by Jake, but he gets backdropped out
on a DDT attempt. British Bulldog (8) comes down as Jake's being tossed and has a
bone to pick with Cold Stone. Powerslam by Bulldog and Austin crawls to the bottom
rope. Pierroth (9), the champion of champions, is another super-old luchadore and he
gets no reaction at all. Bulldog spinebusters him. Some bowling shoe ugly three-way
hoss action here. I don't think Pierroth's knees bend. The Sultan (10) brings the crap-
to-talent ratio up to 3-to-1. Sultan attempts running down Stone Cold in a car, but Austin
avoids it. Austin and Bulldog square off and Sultan whoops Pierroth. Mil Mascaras (11)
joins that other old codger. You may remember Mil as a guy that Foley doesn't like. He
goes after the Sultan with a headbutt and stuff. The match has degenerated into guys
tangled up in the ropes with each other and Thank God for 90 second intervals. Hunter
Hearst Helmsley (12) is doing double-duty, this evening. Bulldog clotheslines the Sultan
out of the ring. HHH narrowly avoids elimination. Every man for himself! Owen Hart
(13) draws the lucky number. He's got Slammies. Owen goes right after Austin. Owen
tries to eliminate Austin, but "accidentally" eliminates the Bulldog -- who's not bizarre
enough. Goldust (14) goes after HHH, but gets jumped by Austin. It's fun hearing J.R.
make reference to Mascaras's age without admitting that he's old. Cibernetico (15) is
the youngest competitor in this at only 20 years of age. He goes straight for Mil. Lots of
stomping and trying to push other guys over the top. Kinda boring. Ahh... there's that
10-count. "Wildman" Marc Mero (16) comes in just as Cibernetico and Pierroth are
somehow eliminated. Mascaras hits a flying bodypress on Pierroth and eliminates
himself. He's a fucking shithead. Goldust clotheslines HHH out. I'm sure he feels
better about not winning the IC title match. We've got Owen, Austin, Mero, and Goldust.
They're joined by The Latin Lover (17), whoever the fuck that is. The kid looks pretty
good, actually. Owen almost gets tossed but pulls himself back in. Owen tosses
Goldust out. Faarooq (18) joins the party. Latin Lover gets backdropped to the floor by
Owen. Austin and Faarooq engage in a Slobberknocker that ends when Ahmed runs in
with a 2 x 4 and Faarooq jumps over the top. Austin pushes Owen and Mero out,
leaving Austin alone. Savio Vega (19) comes in and he and Austin rekindle their feud --
albeit only for a minute or so. Savio whoops Austin for a second, but gets stun-gunned
and clotheslined over the top to the floor. Austin's alone again. "Double J" Jesse
Jammes (20) joins Stone Cold Steve and they have a punch-up. Lotsa struttin'. Dubba
J gets tossed to the apron and elbow to the floor. Austin's alone again. Nice to see
these moments with no action. Bret "The Hitman" Hart (21) joins Steve. Now these two
have a history. Bret kicks the crap out of Steve with an inverted atomic drop and a
clothesline. Bret stomps Austin down in the corner, whips him across and clotheslines
him again. Bret slaps on the Sharpshooter. Jerry Lawler (22) gets up, acts all cocky
and hops in the ring. Bret punches him twice and Lawler flips over the top and out.
Vince: "Do you realize you were just in the ring?" Lawler: "What?" Bret drops the elbow
from the second rope and continues spankin' Stevie A. The Fake Diesel (23) makes his
way down. It's a wonder that the fans never took to him. It's even more of a wonder
that they did take to Kane. Diesel lays the "forearms" and "knee thrusts" to both
Bret and Austin. Terry Funk (24) heads on down to join this. He goes after Austin,
continuing from the previous night on Shotgun Saturday Night. Bret puts the boots to
Diesel and Austin and Funk take turns trying to toss each other out. Funk botches a
piledriver on Bret. Rocky Maivia (25) causes Vince to cream his pants. Bret tries
tossing Funk out, but fails. Mankind (26) makes it six men in there. This is before the
WWF acknowledged the past and, as a result, they say nothing about the Foley vs.
Funk history. Austin suplexes Bret and punches him. Rocky and Diesel square off.
Austin jawbreakers Bret to escape a sleeper. Flash Funk (27) should win this
one. Bret piledrives Austin. Flash nails Terry and Diesel with a cross-body off the top.
Vader (28) should win this one. Really. He goes after Bret. Flash gets in
Vader's face and gets his ass whooped for it. Austin then gets hossed by Vader. Henry
Godwinn (29) injects some crap into the ring, joining Diesel. Henry drills Vader with a
clothesline. J.R. and Vince are loving Henry. The Undertaker (30) is the winner of
the 1997 Royal Rumble. We're down to Rocky, Flash, Terry, Vader, Bret, Diesel,
Austin, Mankind, Henry, and UT. He punches the crap out of Vader, then Mankind, then
Vader again. Chokeslams by UT on Vader and Austin. Vader throws Flash Funk out --
fallaway slam style. We're down to nine, one of which is Henry Fucking Godwinn.
We've got a bunch guys holding each other against the ropes and punching and
stomping and crap. UT tries tossing Henry out, but he hangs on. More boring shit. UT
grabs Henry by the throat and tosses him out. We've got eight guys left. Mankind locks
in the Mandible Claw on Rocky, who falls backwards and falls to the floor. Mankind
suplexes Terry Funk from the ring to the floor. UT gives Mankind a big boot and knocks
him out of this one. Five guys left. Austin gets tossed by Bret, but the refs didn't see it.
He comes back in and eliminates UT and Vader, who were trying to push each other
over. Bret eliminates Diesel and Austin sneaks up from behind and tosses Bret out for
the win at 50:31. And he's off to Wrestlemania! Bret's pissed and yells at Vince. If I
was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***. The match itself was merely
"OK." But it's an important point in the Evolution of Cold Stone. For that, it's a good one
to see.
We get an advertisement for... boxing? Sugary Ray Leonard vs. Hector "Macho" Camacho. May 10.
J.R., Vince, and Jerry King Lawler talk about the upcoming WWF title match: Sycho Sid vs. Shawn Michaels. Then we get an awesome video package detailing their recent feud. We then get an excerpt from an interview that J.R. conducted with a flu- ridden Shawn Michaels. If you're not stoked for this one... get your pulse checked!
WWF Title Match
Shawn Michaels vs. Sycho Sid (champion)
Shawn's accompanied by Jose Lothario and a cowboy hat that makes him look like a
packer. If this is half as good as their Survivor Series match, I'll be happy. Sid
starts out by shoving Michaels a couple times and punching him. Shawn fights back all
fast and fiesty. Sid goes to the floor, Shawn follows and they exchange fisticuffs. Sid
press-slams Shawn, but Shawn escapes with an eye-gouge. Back in, Shawn tries a
bodypress off the top but Sid catches and powerslams him. Sid cinches in a camel
clutch that Shawn eventually escapes. Shawn gets whipped into a corner and does a
Flair Flip to the floor. Sid runs Shawn into the ringpost a couple times, rolls him in, and
works over the lower back area. Reverse chinlock by Sid, but Shawn punches his way
out... only to get clotheslined. The fans are booing Sid this month. Probably because
Shawn's the Hometown Hero. Sid slaps on a bearhug. His gameplan: elementary and
basic. Shawn gets out with an inverted atomic drop. He comes off the second rope with
something, only to get caught and bearhugged again. Legdrop by Sid gets him a two-
count. Chinlock, but Shawn gets out. Shawn punches Sid a few times and bodyslams
him. Flying forearm by Michaels. Elbow from the top rope by Michaels. And he starts
with the Sweet Chin Music stomping. Sid catches the attempt and tosses Shawn to the
floor. Sid gingerly "powerbombs" Shawn on the floor. Jose Lothario -- and his son Pete
-- both go after Sid and get choked. Back in the ring, Ref Bump. Chokeslam on
Michaels... but no ref. New ref comes in and Shawn kicks out at two. Sid punches the
new ref and he's gone. Sid goes after Jose. Shawn grabs a camera for some poetic
justice and nails Sid with it a couple times. Hebner tries to hit the Slow And In Pain
Three-Count but it gets stopped at two. Sweet Chin Music by Michaels and Hebner hits
the Slow And In Pain Three-Count to give HBK the win and the title at 13:48. If I was
a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: **. Not even as good as their Survivor
Series match. Not even 15 minutes long?
Shawn celebrates in the ring.
We get highlights of the hell that we've just witnessed and we're out. Parting shot: George and Adam outside the arena. That's all for this one.
In conclusion...
Completely mediocre and forgettable show. The Rumble match -- aside from the
performance of Austin -- is totally jobberish. Everything else was radically so-so. My
favourite match -- although not the best match -- was the six-man match. The rest... eh.