By The Sarge
Opening segment
My God, this is cheesy. I completey forgot about this. Roddy Piper, to prepare for his
match against Hooooooogan, locked himself in Alcatraz (now a tourist site, by the way).
We get footage of him leaving Alcatraz. This is bad television. The footage of him on
the boat is pretty funny. Who wrote this crap?
Tony, Bobby, and Dusty are sitting at that weird perch way back in the audience. They're handling commentary duty for the night, you know.
We see some footage of the Outsiders and Syxx roughing up Eddie Guerrero and stealing his WCW U.S. title -- then, Dean Malenko's Cruiserweight title. And trying to steal the U.S. title again. Ya know, Mr. Waltman... they're just props now.
WCW Cruiserweight Title Match
Syxx vs. Dean Malenko (champion)
The story here was that Dean's dad, the late Boris Malenko, trained Syxx -- who shit-
talked Boris. Dean comes in a house-a-fire. Brainbuster by Dean and he pulls Syxx up
at two. Dean puts the fists to Syxx. Syxx gets a boot up in the corner, but runs into a
powerslam for a two-count. Dean locks in a front-facelock. Dean puts the boots to Syxx
in the corner. Syxx whips Dean into the opposite corner but misses with some sort of
running attack, ending up in the Tree of Woe. Dean dropkicks his knee and goes for the
Texas Cloverleaf. Syxx escapes. Cross-body by Dean sends both guys to the floor.
Dean grabs his belt back, but doesn't use it to nail Syxx. Both guys head back into the
ring and Syxx hits some sort of kick that Bischoff could probably name if you care. Syxx
puts the boots to Dean with a bunch of kicks -- then the Broncobuster. One of those
wacky sliding legdrops by Syxx gets a two-count. Sleeperhold by Syxx, but Dean
escapes. Another sleeper by Syxx. Dean suplexes his way out of it. Some of (I hate)
those knife-edge chops by Syxx. Syxx leans Dean on the apron, with his head on the
outside of the ring -- and drops an elbow from the top rope. Syxx suplexes Dean -- but
they call it a brainbuster. Legdrop from the top rope by Syxx. Syxx goes back to the
sleeper. I can see wanting to work over the guy's neck... but, come on -- learn a new
move, buddy. Dean catches a Syxx clothesline and slaps on a sleeper of his own. Syxx
whips Dean in and they headbutt each other. Syxx goes up top -- backwards -- and
Dean crotches him. Belly-to-back superplex by Dean, but Syxx kind of rolls out. Syxx
goes for the belt, which causes Eddie Guerrero to sprint out and engage in a tug of war
over the belt. Dean's behind Syxx, who wins the tug of war and decks Dean with the
belt. Referee Mark Curtis missed it and counts the three to give Syxx the win and the
title at 12:00. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***. Dean was
in cruise control and up to his usual goodness. Also, Syxx didn't suck at this point. Just
a little too many sleepers and a screwy ending. Still, good opener.
Gene hypes his Hotline (1-900-909-9900!!!). He brings in DDP, who's facing an NWO member tonight. He just doesn't know who. By deductive reasoning, they settle on Buff Bagwell. Gene gets it in his hearing aid that it is Buff, indeed. Terrific.
Konan, La Parka & Villano IV vs. Juventud Guerrera, Ciclope & Super
Calo
Tenay's out to do commentary, because he's So Fucking Mexican and all. Did you
know that there are a lot of six-man matches in Mexico? I hope so. Ciclope and Villano
start. They start out with some flipping and armbars and what-not. Ciclope with the
slight advantage -- until Villano flips his way out of it. They trade armdrags for a bit and
tag in Konan and Juventud (who had a great match at Fall Brawl). Konan continues his
"killing Juventud" thing with the rolling clothesline. Juventud headscissors Konan to the
floor. Juvy chases him, but Konan comes back in. Juvy follows with a springboard
dropkick. Konan then kills the tecnicos. Calo and La Parka come in and La Parka's
crazy as fuck. Headscissors takedown by Calo, but clothesline by Parka. La Parka gets
kicked to the floor and Calo gives him a sliding dropkick and a slingshot somersault
senton. Calo tries to springboard off the second rope with something, but gets nothing
but floor. Parka sits Calo on a chair and nails him with a suicide dive. Ciclope and
Villano in there now. Gets a little sloppy. Villano gets knocked to the floor and Ciclope
tries a moonsault off the top rope ("rope," as in "not turnbuckle") but misses (possibly
unintentionally) in a painful looking spot. Juvy gets tagged and barely connects with a
450 on Villano. Juvy runs into the corner and La Parka hits him with a moonsaultish
type thing. Juvy and La Parka go up top and Parka gets crotched. Juvy springboards
into a headscissors takedown that gets a two-count, broken by Konan. Konan sets Juvy
up for a Doomsday Device and Villano comes off with the clothesline. Konan and
Villano give Juvy a double-team spinebuster and a wacky double-team submission hold.
Ciclope and Calo reverse this, so the pressure applied -- in whatever move it is -- is on
Konan and Villano. Parka tries a pinning attempt on Calo, but only gets two. All six in
there. Juventud gets tossed to the four and Villano and Konan give Calo and Ciclope
"The Star." In the middle, La Parka gives Juvy a surfboard. The heels go to the floor.
The faces hit the heels with a simultaneous triple suicide dive. Roll-up by Juventud gets
a two. Power Drop by Konan gets a one-two-three? Yup, sez Mickey Jay -- even
though Juvy kicked out at two. The time? 9:50. The winners? The fans. And Konan,
La Parka & Villano IV. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***1/2.
Constant action and few botched spots. A damn fun match to watch.
WCW World Television Title Match
Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs. Prince Iaukea (champion)
Man... Prince Iaukea -- TV Champ? Yeah, right. Next thing you tell me, he's gonna win
this one. Tenay's still there -- probably so he can say "huracanrana" each of the 456
times Rey does one. Iaukea gets zero reaction, possibly a sign that this was a bad idea.
Handshake starts this thing. They trade the wristlocks and junk and do some good old-
fashioned mat wrestling. More flippy-floppy stuff. Iaukea appears to be telegraphing
moves a bit. Side-kick by Prince gets a two. Action falls to the floor and Iaukea hits
Rey with a cross-bodyblock off the top rope (to the floor). Iaukea with the advantage
now, with a couple of "vertical suplexes." It's chinlock city momentarily. Iaukea with a
press-slam into a backbreaker. He's getting booed for one reason or another. Prince
comes off the top with a cross-body, but Rey dropkicks him on the way down. Rey runs
into what looks like a powerbomb, but instead headscissors Iaukea to the floor. Rey
dropkicks Iaukea and follows with a somersault suicide dive. Nice. Rey seems more
hurt than Iaukea. Back in the ring, Rey chops Iaukea. Rey hops to the apron and
springboards off the top rope on two sides of the ring and moonsaults the Prince.
Iaukea goes for Snake Eyes, but Rey slips out and kicks dropkicks Iaukea. Rey does a
springboard split-legged moonsault off the top rope ("rope," as in "not turnbuckle"). Rey
goes up top but the Prince catches him, puts him in a Torture Rack position and slams
him back. Iaukea misses a dropkick. Rey tries a huracanrana off the top rope as
Steven Regal comes down to the ring, but it's kind of botched. Rey goes to the apron
as the ref conveniently looks away, but Regal yanks him down -- making Rey's face
bounce off the edge of the apron. Regal throws Iaukea in and the Prince retains at 8:52.
But the Prince doesn't seem happy about it. He gives Rey the belt, but Rey won't take
it. Male bonding and sportsmanship ensues. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd
give it: **1/2. Decent enough match, but it seemed like they skipped part of
the match and jumped right from the middle to the ending. Weird.
Meaner Gener's still hyping the 'line. A prominent WCW superstar was dining, of all things, with members of the NWO. 1-900-909-9900! He then talks to Giant, who's facing the Outsiders... TONIGHT! You can always count on WCW's The Giant to say something silly in PPV interviews. "I'm the conductor and Hall and Nash are playing the instruments" works for me.
Buff Bagwell vs. Diamond Dallas Page
Two PPVs following this one, DDP would be main-eventing. It's a wonder what a
Battlebowl ring will get ya. But here... he's in Tuff -- against Buff. Buff spits on DDP so
DDP bitchslaps him. DDP goes to work all wrestling-like. Buff can hang, though.
Hammerlocks! Wristlocks! They got 'em all! Did I mention wristlocks? Lots o'
wristlocks. It takes Buff about 90 seconds before he starts stalling and "regrouping,"
which is actually a long time for him. Some good old-fashioned power wrestling here.
Hiptoss attempt by Buff, but he gets a nice little neckbreaker from DDP instead. Buff
goes to the floor, but DDP tries dragging him back in. Buff drops DDP throat-first on the
top rope and comes back in to put the boots to DDP and yap at the camera. Buff hits a
bowling shoe ugly tornado DDT and poses. If this guy could actually wrestle worth a shit
and wasn't the second laziest man on Earth (Vinnie Vegas is first), he'd make a great
heel. Buff argues with the ref. Small package by DDP gets a two. Schoolboy attempt...
two. Buff clothesline flips DDP. Buff jaws at Referee Scott Dickinson, who snaps and
goes all house show, shoving Buff and going postal on him. This allows DDP time to
"regroup." DDP hits that move where he tries a kick but it gets caught and he spins
around and clotheslines the guy. HUGE inverted atomic drop by DDP and he punches
Buff to the mat. Powerbomb by DDP gets a two-and-a-half. Buff gets whipped into a
corner but nails DDP with a back elbow for a rope-assisted two-count. DDP gets a two-
count from a roll-up. DDP stun-guns Buff on the turnbuckle as Buff's doing the
turnbuckle punch thing. DDP goes for the Cutter, but Buff backslides him for two.
Perfectplex by Buff and he pulls out at a one-count. Instead, Buff instructs Referee (and
Homer Simpson lookalike) Scott Dickinson to try a 10-count, which is dumb. DDP gets
up. Buff goes for a Rude Awakening, but DDP turns it into a Diamond Cutter. Before
he can go for a pin, Syxx, Michael Wallstreet (in search of PPV time), and Vincent run
in. Dickinson calls for the bell and the DQ at 9:45. DDP hits the road and celebrates in
the crowd. What? Buff couldn't do the clean job? If I was a Snowflake type of guy,
I'd give it: **1/2. It was a good Buff Bagwell match. But it was, after
all, just a Buff Bagwell match.
We get a glimpse of the winner of some contest: Keith Phillips of Ogden, Utah. Damn Mormon.
WCW U.S. Title Match
Chris Jericho vs. Eddie Guerrero (champion)
Bobby says "Eddie Graham." Ha. Nice grappling starts things out with some good
back-and-forth action -- neither man taking advantage. Eddie trips Jericho up and goes
for some hold. Jericho gets to the ropes. Back elbow by Guerrero and a belly-to-back
suplex. Now one by Jericho. Eddie runs into an abdominal stretch by Jericho. Test of
strength, which Jericho wins. Northern lights type suplex. Backslide by Jericho gets
two. Vertical suplex and "COME ON, BABY" by Jericho. Some more flipping and
wrestling. Sidewalk slam by Jericho and Walls of Jericho (before it was his finisher).
Eddie gets out and Jericho applies a chinlock. "Boring" chant starts -- which ain't fuckin'
right. Jericho whips Eddie in and tilt-a-whirls him into a Torture Rack, then drops down
into a crazy backbreaker. Jericho gets sent into the corner and flips out with a cross-
body but misses. Eddie nails a clothesline and powerbombs Jericho for a two-count.
Brainbuster by Eddie and he goes up top. Eddie misses a somersault splash and
Jericho tosses Eddie on his head with a German suplex. Tilt-a-whirl by Y2J, but Eddie
lands on his feet. Monkey flip but Eddie lands on his feet. Belly-to-belly and Eddie
lands on his back. Jericho yaps at the ref and crotches Eddie, then springboard
dropkicks him to the floor. Jericho then springboards off the ropes and splashes Eddie
on the floor. Axehandle off the top, but Eddie catches him with an inverted atomic drop.
Backslide by Eddie gets two. Eddie dropkicks Jericho and Jericho spin-wheel kicks
Eddie at the same time. They run into each other with headbutts. Powerslam by
Jericho gets a two-count. Eddie wiggles out of a suplex into a roll-up for two. Superkick
and La Mahistrol by Jericho gets two. Eddie tries a tornado DDT, but Jericho gives him
a northern lights suplex for a two-count. Eddie flips out of a powerbomb and does some
jumping... into a sunset flip and a somewhat surprising three-count at 12:01. Post-
match: show of respect. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it:
***1/2. Seemed at moments like they were going at three-quarters speed. Still,
a fine match-up -- despite the dead crowd.
Triangle Match
Faces Of Fear vs. Public Enemy vs. Harlem Heat
This was supposed to be a four-way with the Steiners, but the storyline goes that they
were injured in a horrific car accident caused by the Outsiders. In actuality, they were
just stupid. And ugly too. The WCW Championship Committee revoked this match's
original "Number One Contender Match" stip to be fair to the Steiners, which makes this
match even more meaningless than it normally would be. "La-di Da-di, it's a Superbrawl
pah-ty!" First pin wins. Rock and Barbarian start out and Barbie does his usual power
wrestling. Stevie Ray tags himself in and kicks and misses clotheslines and press-
slams and OH GOD! Johnny Grunge gets tagged in and gets kicked around. I honestly
don't give a fuck about this match at all. I don't think anybody in the building did either.
Booker T does a Spinaroni, which is pretty much the high-point of this match. Grunge
tags Meng, who puts the boots to Booker. Dropkick (???) by Meng. Clubberin' on Book
by the Faces Of Fear. Dusty cares. Barbarian puts Booker up top and gives him a
pretty sweet belly-to-belly superplex. Book gets a two-count with a roll-up, but gets
clotheslined by Barbie. Meng in and he piledrives Booker. Faces do headbutts from the
second rope on opposite corners of the ring on Booker. Booker gets backdropped by
Meng into a powerbomb by Barbarian -- pretty cool move, actually. Barbarian kicks
Booker to the floor, which causes havoc. In the havoc, Rocco Rock comes off the top
with a somersault splash, but Barbarian catches him and holds him. From there,
Grunge comes off and Rock ends up on top for the three-count at 7:42. Meng and
Booker T were the legal men. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it:
*1/2. Marginally better than the classic Outsiders vs. Nasty Boys vs. Faces Of
Fear Triangle Match from World War 3 (1996). Still bad and boring.
Steve McMichael vs. Jeff Jarrett
This one's billed a "Grudge Match" and has the stipulation that, if Jarrett wins, he
becomes a Horsemen. So you know it'll be good. Yeah, yeah... I know Mongo has a lot
of ****1/2 classics under his belt, but I can't stand the guy. To kick things off, Mongo
manages to do acceptable selling for basic offense from Jarrett, who "livens up"
(sarcasm intended) his boring-assed shit with "cocky heel stuff." Jarrett flips into a
powerslam by Mongo, who follows with a chopblock. And another. If this dolt works
over the leg, I'll eat a guitar. Debra, who fancies Jarrett, stops Mongo from going after
Jarrett on the floor. This allows Jarrett the chance to do an abdominal stretch -- with
Rotundo rope-holding. Debra smacks Jarrett's hand away with the Haliburton. Press-
slam by Mongo, who teases tossing Jarrett to the floor. He's too nice for that, though.
Mongo clotheslines Jarrett to the floor. Debra helps Jarrett out and wipes him with a
towel. Mongo grabs the towel, chokes Jarrett, and throws him into the guardrail. Back
in the ring... who fucking cares. Jarrett puts the feet to Mongo and chokes him on the
middle rope. Jarrett does that running sit on Mongo's back. Awesome. Ugly as fuck
clothesline by Jarrett gets a count. Sleeper by Jarrett. Mongo whips Jarrett in and locks
on a sleeper of his own. Jarrett suplexes his way out. Debra looks concerned and says
(to the camera): "man, I don't know which one to help." I love WCW cameramen,
always willing to let the "superstars" talk to the camera like that. Side-slam by Mongo --
a.k.a. "a 'falling hug' that Tony calls a 'Side Salto'." Jarrett goes up top and gets a two-
count from a cross-body. Mongo's kick-out tosses Jarrett into Referee Scott Dickinson
for a crap Ref Bump. Mongo calls for the Haliburton, but Debra won't give it to him. She
tosses it over her head, Jarrett gets it -- and nails Mongo for the win at 8:12. We're
supposed to wonder if Debra meant to give Jarrett the thing. Then again, we're also
supposed to care. Jarrett's a Horsemen. Not like it meant anything by '97. If I was a
Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: *1/2. Bad match. As every Mongo match
is -- and most from Jarrett's first WCW run.
San Francisco Death Match
Kevin Sullivan vs. Chris Benoit
Sullivan comes out with Jacquelyn and Jimmy Hart. Apparently, they said they were
"too legit to quit," which I hope isn't true. Benoit comes out with Woman. The gimmick
here is that the ladies are strapped together while the guys (but not Jimmy Hart) beat
the shit out of each other. San Francisco Death Match? I mean... what does that
mean? Do you have to ship the body to San Francisco when it's over? The women
fight to the floor to start and the guys go toe-to-toe in the ring. Benoit with some (I hate
those) knife-edge chops -- and goes up top, only to be slammed to the mat by Sullivan.
Butterfly suplex by Sullivan. Woman whips Jackie and Sullivan tries to stop it -- only to
get crotched by the strap. Jackie whips Benoit with the strap. Sullivan takes the strap
and hangs Benoit. We now get some terrific women kicking the crap out of the men,
including a double-clothesline with the strap. Back to women whipping each other and
guys punching each other. Sullivan and Benoit go to the floor and fight down the aisle
with miscellaneous brawling. The guys brawl into the crowd. Tony and Dusty care more
about the women fighting -- because they're morons. Sullivan and Benoit fight back to
the parking lot and Sullivan bodyslams Benoit on a luggage truck. A trash can gets
tossed around a bit. Tony and Dusty are still talking about what's going on in the
ring. Benoit and Sullivan come back through the crowd and back down the aisle. We're
all in the ring now. Sullivan sets Benoit up in the Tree of Woe, hits the running knee
and the double-stomp but the Ex whips him, preventing a count. Piledriver on Sullivan
by Benoit. Benoit goes for a table under the ring and pulls out a moose. Benoit puts
Sullivan on the table. Jackie lays on top of Sullivan to cover him up... Benoit does the
Moneyshot anyway -- on both Jackie and Sullivan. The table doesn't even break, but
Benoit makes the pin and gets the win at 8:33. Arn Anderson stands at the entryway
and shakes his head. Referees, Jimmy Hart, and Woman tend to Benoit, Sullivan, and
Jackie. Paul Orndorff comes out to help. So does "Stagger" Lee Marshall. Some help
he'd be. The Fuck. Terry Taylor comes out. Man... they brought all the tools in their
toolbox. To make a long story less long, all three do ambulance jobs. If I was a
Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***. Decent brawl. Decent ending. Kind
of clusterfuckish and nowhere near the Sullivan vs. Benoit from Bash At The Beach '96
(or was that Great American Bash?), but good chaos anyway.
A WCW Uncensored promo features Hugh Morrus prominently -- despite the fact he had nothing to do with the show.
WCW World Tag Team Title Match
The Giant vs. The Outsiders (champions)
This was originally scheduled to be Giant & Luger vs. The Outsiders, but Lex didn't get
his "medical clearance" handed in on time. Syxx comes out with the Old Bastards. Hall
starts out and throws his U.L. Washington toothpick at Giant, then taunts him. Giant
goes all big man on Hall for a couple minutes -- until Nash gets tagged in. Then it's
double big slow untalented guys. Giant dropkicks Nash to the floor, then slams him on
the ringpost. Syxx gets involved behind the ref's back. Hall comes off the top with a
bulldog on the Giant -- which gets a two-count. "Luger" chant starts. Frankly, I'm
surprised they care about Lex. I didn't think anybody did. Nash does his usual choking-
with-the-boot shit. Kevin Nash is death to a good match -- not that this was one to begin
with. Hall and Nash take turns punching Giant, who gets steamed and throws them.
Big boot on Nash, clothesline on Hall -- or the other way around. Syxx comes off the
top, but gets caught and thrown into Nash. Hall decks the Giant with the Cruiserweight
title. Nash sets Giant up and actually powerbombs him. Holy Fucking Shit.
Unbelievable. It even looked good. This knocks Nash on his ass too. Luger walks
down to the ring. Bischoff tries to stop him, but gets thrown on the ground for his effort.
Luger to the apron. Giant makes the tag. He clotheslines both Outsiders and Syxx,
then Racks Nash -- who submits at 8:52. Post-match, Giant chokeslams Hall just for
fun. New Champs? Until Bisch revoked it on Nitro. If I was a Snowflake type of guy,
I'd give it: *. Awful match, but Nash powerbombing the Giant is good for
something.
Some stalling and yapping by Tony, Bobby, and Dusty.
WCW World Heavyweight Title Match
Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan (champion)
Hogan comes out first, with Ted DiBiase and Vincent. Bobby mentions "my man,
Woodrow," which is always funny. Piper comes out, dirty as fuck. Apparently his
escape from Alcatraz at the top of the show as "live" and he just got to the arena. Right.
You know, this match headlined the first wrestling PPV of all-time: the WWF's 1st
Annual Wrestling Classic -- in 1985. That's something. Hogan stalls on the floor before
this starts in what can best be termed a "shocking swerve." Hogan pretends to leave
and Piper tracks him down in the aisle and drags him back in. We gets some eye-
gouges, punches, and a punch in the balls by Piper. He chokes Hogan with his t-shirt
and bites his bald old forehead. Hogan crawls down the aisle and Piper chokes him
again, tosses him into the guardrail -- the the ringpost, and gives him the wimpiest
chairshot EVER. Hogan punches Piper in the balls and Piper pulls his nose and
bites his ear. Michael Wallstreet (after more PPV time) comes down and gets nailed by
Piper. Vincent hops up on the apron and he gets knocked down. More eye-gouging
and throat-poking by these two fucking fossils. This is awful. Piper chases Hogan
around the floor and back in the ring, then crotches Hogan on the top rope. Sting and
Savage start to walk out of the entryway -- together. Sting stays behind, but Savage
heads to the ring. Hogan does some really bad crotch-chops. Then punches. Sting
leaves. The match, meanwhile, is just punches and eye-gouges. And back rakes.
Thanks, Hulk. Whoa! Bearhug by Hogan slows down the pace. Thankfully. The
bearhug gets a two-count. Hogan misses an elbow and Piper... punches. Hogan
punches Piper in the balls, but -- lets face it -- Piper ain't selling shit tonight. Sleeper
applied by Piper. Hogan's arm drops three times, giving Piper the win at 10:12? What
the? Savage gives Hogan an "international object" -- and Referee Mark Curtis restarts
the match for some reason that is never made clear in the least. Fuck. Hogan nails
Piper and gets the win at 10:53. I guess Savage is NWO now? Post-match, Savage
and Hogan gang up on Piper, spray-paint him, and hit their lame finishers on him. This
sucked so much shit that it's not even funny. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd
give it: DUD. I was going to give this something because I'm a nice
guy. But that ending was just toooo bad. Apparently, Hogan's foot was
supposedly under the rope on the sleeper (it wasn't) and that's why it was restarted.
Fucking brutal. Not to mention the match was a steaming piece of shit.
The Hogan/Savage beatdown on Piper goes on for a year-and-a-half. Finally, credits roll and we're free to leave.
In conclusion...
This is vintage WCW, circa '96-'98. The undercard was strong, with most of it being at
least watchable and a big chunk being pretty good (Jericho vs. Guerrero, the lucha six-
man, Syxx vs. Malenko, Sullivan vs. Benoit). But they really tried to fuck up the
show with the upper-card. The main event sucked shit. And the handicap match wasn't
much better. Ugh. You can always count on Hall, Nash, and Hogan to deliver shitty
matches -- and this show was no different. Luckily, there was enough good stuff to
make this worthwhile.