By The Sarge
Every now and then, you come across a tape in your collection that features a couple of happenings that are of note years down the road. The 1996 installment of the Survivor Series, for example, features the WWF TV debut of one of the biggest superstars in Federation history. And not only did Flash Funk make his Whiff debut here, but so did a young Rocky Maivia
Opening segment...
Usual package of "Hi, we're the WWF and we're wicked mainstream" footage. Shawn
Michaels on Regis's program. That's all ya need.
Owen Hart, The British Bulldog & The New Rockers vs. Doug Furnas, Phil
LaFon & The Godwinns
Clarence Mason accompanies Owen & The Bulldog to the ring and five years later, it
doesn't seem like such a good idea. Furnas and LaFon are making their debut and I still
don't know why "Dan Kroffat" was "not suitable." LaFon and Marty Jannetty start out
with some flipping and flopping. Jannetty gets nailed with a dropkick and tags in Leif
Cassidy (Al Snow). He leg-drags LaFon, who tags Phineas Godwinn. It should be
noted, this is only a couple months after J.R.'s failed heel-turn. As a consequence, he's
exceptionally sassy and bitchy on this show. I'll disregard his dumb comments unless
their stupidity warrants mention. This match is slower than death, by the way. Cassidy
gets some bodyslams and punches and shit from Phineas, then tags Owen. Owen goes
to work with some kicks to the midsection of Phineas. Phineas is caught in the heel
corner and getting stomped down. Cassidy gets tagged back, clotheslines Phineas, and
drops a leg on him. Jannetty tagged in. He's been favouring his left leg since the
opening minutes. Jannetty goes up top and gets crotched by Jannetty. Jannetty misses
an elbow off the second rope. Phineas tags Henry Godwinn. J.R. is being a total dick,
by the way. Some really boring stuff with Jannetty and Henry. Slop Drop by Henry on
Jannetty and he's eliminated at 8:10. Owen comes in with a leg lariat that J.R. would
probably call an enziguri (because he's a fucking idiot) and pins Henry at 8:18. Phineas
comes in "a house-a-fire," which sucks shit. Owen and Phineas in there. Owen makes
the blind tag to the Bulldog, who powerslams Phineas and pins him at 9:03. Furnas and
Bulldog lock up. Bulldog runs under a Furnas dropkick and puts the punches to him.
Cassidy gets tagged in and Sambo suplexes Furnas. Furnas gives Cassidy a sidewalk
slam. Cassidy pushes Furnas back into the heel corner. Owen gets tagged in and
dropkicks Furnas from the top rope. Small package by Furnas gets a two-count.
Perfectplex by Owen gets a two. More uppity sass from J.R. Bulldog gets tagged in
and does the stalling vertical suplex to Furnas. Cassidy gets tagged back in. He
clotheslines Furnas and gives him a gutbuster. Cassidy misses a clothesline in the
corner and LaFon gets tagged in. LaFon hits Leif with an reverse superplex, which
looks pretty fucking amazing, and gets the pin at 13:41. LaFon and the Bulldog do
some good old-fashioned wrasslin' and LaFon makes Bulldog look bad. Owen tags in
and gives LaFon a belly-to-belly, followed by a neckbreaker and a elbow from the
second rope for a two-count. An Owen enziguri also gets a two-count. Bulldog gets
tagged back in, which is unfortunate. Bulldog kicks LaFon in the balls. Some tagging
and bad selling and LaFon pins Bulldog with a sunset flip at 17:21. Bulldog chopblocks
LaFon after being eliminated. It's down to Owen against both Furnas and LaFon. Owen
wraps LaFon's leg around the ringpost a couple times and works the leg. Vince's
earnest-talking commentary is pretty hilarious in retrospect; especially considering the
maniacal bastard he tries to portray now. Owen gets the Sharpshooter on LaFon, but
Furnas starts to come in and Owen goes after him. LaFon nails Owen "right in the
mush" with a freaky little kick. LaFon makes the hot tag. Furnas dropkicks Owen for
two and hits a HUGE belly-to-belly for another two. Owen gets dumped on his
head with a German suplex and pinned at 20:39. Your survivors: Furnas and LaFon.
If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***. The match started slow,
but got better once the Godwinns were eliminated and got even better when it was down
to Owen vs. Furnas & LaFon. Either way, gutsy move putting the new guys over the tag
champs. Would've made a little more sense had the Whiff continued to push Furnas &
LaFon.
Ray Rougeau is back talking to Ahmed Johnson, who is more coherent than usual. He yaps about being suspended and injured and coming back and blah, blah, blah. Oh yeah, they also hype the hotline. Mean Gene's got nothing on these guys!
We get a promo by Mankind and Paul Bearer -- live in a boiler room. Mrs. Foley's Baby Boy is being scary and he seems quite stoked for his match against Undertaker.
Mankind vs. The Undertaker
Stupid stip: Paul Bearer will be locked in a steel cage that will be suspended above the
ring. Vince mentions Undertaker being buried alive at the last PPV (the brilliantly titled
Buried Alive) and suspects that he will be back "like never before," which means... he
will back like never before. Sho'nuff... Booger Red gets lowered down from the rafters
all Batman-like with a new ridiculous get-up. Fuck, I hated the dead man gimmick. J.R.
says "this is not going to be catch-as-catch-can." Some things never change. The fight
starts and quickly falls to the floor, where both men brawl. Back in the ring, UT uses a
drop-toehold and a fireman's carry into an armbar. He then stomps on Mankind's hand
and tosses him to the floor to smack his hand on the ringsteps and stomp on it. J.R.'s
still being an asshole. UT misses an elbow and a Mankind clothesline sends both of
them to the floor. They fight into the crowd briefly and Mankind gets backdropped over
the guardrail back to the pretty blue mats. Mankind runs off the apron with a somersault
on UT. Come on, Ref! Where's the 10-count? Back in the ring, Mankind whips UT in
and does the running knee move. Some UT headbutts and punches and biting of
Mankind's hand. Wedgie Piledriver by Mankind. Mankind tries a Mandible Claw, but UT
blocks it. UT tries a Tombstone, but Mankind slips out and slaps on the Mandible Claw.
UT "hurls his upper body" and the momentum sends Mankind to the floor. Some weird
move by UT that ends up with the back of Mankind's head smacking the guardrail. Back
in the ring, UT does the Old School Fistdrop -- before it was "old school." Neckbreaker
by Mankind. I don't think Vince has actually used an actual move name this whole
match. Mankind goes up top and tries an axehandle. UT catches him by the throat and
tries a chokeslam, but Mankind gets the Mandible Claw on him. UT's arm drops once...
twice... thr -- nope. UT gets back up to his feet, pulls Mankind's arm away, and
chokeslams him. UT sit-up. UT misses some sort of running attack and sails over the
top rope to the floor. Mankind misses the running somersault off the apron. Back in, UT
suplexes his way out of a sleeper by Mankind. Mankind goes to his tights and pulls out
a generic white object that he jabs into UT's throat and head. The ref ignores the usage
of the "international object," which kind of looks like a tampon applicator. After some
messy shit in the corner, Mankind ends up in a precarious position and UT Tombstones
him for the win at 14:50. Bearer's cage lowers and the Executioner (the late Terry
Gordy) does a brief and really shitty run-in. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give
it: ***1/2. A fine match that gets lost in the shuffle in the omnibus of UT-
Foley matches.
We see Furnas and LaFon chatting with fans on the internet. They don't type for themselves, though. 'Cuz they're illiterate
Sunny comes down for guest commentary and she's looking... well... OK. She joins Vince and J.R. for commentary. Vince is acting almost as spazzy as I do around a good-looking woman. Or any woman for that matter.
Dok Hendrix is back there talking to Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Jerry King Lawler, Crush, and Goldust. They're stoked up for their match. Why Crush never got more mic time is beyond me. Hunter, by the way, isn't grizzly or muscular... but he is clean- shaven.
Crush, Jerry Lawler, Goldust & Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. "Wildman" Marc
Mero, The Stalker, Rocky Maivia & Jake "The Snake" Roberts
J.R. is being even more of an asshole than before. By the way, this is the WWF TV
debut of Rocky. Wildman -- who's about as wild as my last bowel movement -- intros
their mystery partner, Jake Roberts. No comment. Mero and Lawler start things out.
So does a "Burger King" fan. Mero tags in Stalker "Barry Windham" and Lawler tags in
Hunter before any contact. Windham Stalker tags Mero... before any contact. Hunter
tags Goldust... before any contact. Finally this gets started. Punching and backdrop by
Mero. A bunch of shit between these two that makes me lose interest. Stalker tagged
in. Big clothesline by Stalker. J.R. goes all "WCW commentator" and speculates that
Windham's pants (army pants) "gotta be restrictive to his speed." Some more musical
tags leads to Mero and Crush facing off. Rocky gets tagged in for the first time ever and
gets stuck in the heel corner briefly. Lawler gets tagged in. Rocky does two leapfrogs,
and a dropkick. Wow... things have changed. Lawler's a clown in there. Vince actually
explains how "the former Dwayne Johnson" came about his name. You can guess.
Hunter gets tagged in and we see The Rock vs. Triple H 1996-style. Goldust tags in
and he drops Rocky throat-first on the top rope. Crush gets tagged. Then Lawler does.
Lawler does his usual shit and J.R. lips him for not leaving his feet. Rocky's Kramer hair
is out of control here. Hunter's in and Rocky whoops his ass. Drunk Jake gets tagged
in and he's got punches for everybody. Short-arm clothesline on Hunter, but he can't
get the DDT. J.R. lies his ass off and says Jake's "41 years old." Lawler comes in. I
guess him and Jake had a score to settle. King with some taunting of Drunk Jake. Out
of nowhere, Jake DDTs King and pins him at 10:00. Vince laughs his ass off. Goldust
comes in and Jake gets caught in heel territory. Jake's in amazing shape by the way.
Nah... he's not. Goldust puts on a headlock, but gets a jawbreaker. Windham gets
tagged in and whips Goldust around, suplexing him and getting a two-count. Goldust
gets punched in the gut on an axehandle attempt. Curtain Call by Goldust eliminates
Windham at 12:43. Skinny Helmsley comes in and takes it to Mero. Crush gets tagged
in and quickly applies a bearhug, whish is awesome. Goldust back in, clotheslines Mero
and gets a two-count. Crush tagged; backbreaker on Mero for two. Hunter comes in
and locks on an abdominal stretch. Shades of Wilbur Snider, the innovator of the
abdominal stretch -- a little trivia there (Thanks J.R.). The abdominal stretch lasts
forever. Mero finally escapes and a sunset flip by Mero is fought forever by Hunter, who
eventually tags Goldust. Mero's stuck in heel territory. Headscissors takedown on
Hunter. Punches by Mero, and a backdrop. Some more shit in the ring and a Merosault
pins Hunter at 19:18. Crush is in now, but gets dropkicked to the floor. He moves out
of the way of a Mero plancha attempt. Back in the ring, Crush pins Mero after a
Heartpunch at 20:30. Heartpunch on Jake gets him at 20:52... and probably damn-near
killed him. It's down to two veterans (Goldust and Crush) against Rocky, whose hair is
fucked. Rocky gets a medium-sized package on Crush for two. Heels do some
crappy double-teaming, but Rocky battles back. Rocky is really bad, by the way.
Goldust punches him in the balls. Crush goes for a Heartpunch but misses and gets
Goldust. Rocky hits Crush with a big cross-body and pins him at 23:11. Crappy
shoulderbreaker by Rocky beats Goldust and wins it at 23:42. If I was a Snowflake
type of guy, I'd give it: **1/2. OK match, but started really slow --
likely a result of old and crappy guys. Should be seen for the debut of Rocky, though,
because the WWF has made it up to the fans to find the flabby, uncharismatic, shitty,
bad-haired Rock.
Highlight package to hype the upcoming Bret Hart vs. Cold Stone match. Some pretty fun footage, actually. Then we get an Austin promo and, as he enters the ring, a Bret one.
Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Bret "The Hitman" Hart
For those that don't remember, Bret went away following Wrestlemania and returned at
this show. He admitted that Austin was the best in the business or something. Austin
was just starting to get over big and this show may be regarded as the match that made
him. J.R. is still being an ass, though. The winner of the match faces the champ at the
next PPV (In Your House: It's Time). Austin gives Bret the double middle-fingers.
Chain-wrestling to start doesn't give either man the advantage. J.R. speculates that the
match will come down to a submission. Both men take turns on working over the arm of
the other. Some really good mat wrestling -- which you don't get to see from Austin
anymore. Back elbow by Austin and he stomps and elbows Bret. We revert into Bret
using a mat wrestling style, focusing on Austin's arm, and Austin using "high impact"
maneuvers like a big old hoss. The match speeds up long enough for Austin to stun-
gun Bret. Austin chokes Bret with the bottom rope and goes after "that larynx" and
mauling Bret with chokes and elbows to the head and neck area. Austin then
snapmares Bret and applies a reverse chinlock, which Vince speculates might be the
move that wins him the match (whatever). Bret starts to battle back with a clothesline
and a near-fall. Side Russian legsweep by Bret gets a two-count. Austin pushes Bret
out of a bulldog attempt and he goes into the turnbuckles. He then sets Bret up for a
superplex but gets dumped on his face. Bret comes down with an elbow from the top
rope for a two-count. Austin gets out of a backbreaker by raking Bret's face and tosses
him to the floor and rams Bret, back-first, into the ringpost. Bret pushes Austin through
the guardrail into the crowd and stomps him down. Austin gets smacked face-first into
the rail and Bret rolls him back in. Austin goes to the floor to regroup, but Bret goes
after him. Austin trips Bret up and slingshots him onto the Spanish Announce Table.
Austin bodyslams Bret on the table and drops an elbow from the apron. Austin suplexes
Bret back into the ring and drops an elbow from the second rope for a two-count. Austin
kicks the crap out of Bret, drapes his throat over the second rope and crashes down on
the back of his head with a leg. Austin slaps on the abdominal stretch -- complete with
Mike Rotundo rope-holding. In a "sentence" that doesn't begin with "Austin," Referee
Tim White catches him. Fistfight between Bret and Austin starts, which Bret wins. Bret
gets a stun-gun in on Austin. Piledriver by Bret gets him a two-count. Backbreaker by
Bret. He goes up top, but Austin crotches him and superplexes him -- but Bret actually
manages to get a two-count out of it. Austin hits the Stunner, but only gets a two-count
so he does the old "punch him a few times, and try again" thing. He keeps getting a
two-count. Austin applies a Texas Cloverleaf but Bret manages to get to the bottom
rope. Austin whips Bret into the corner, but his knee gave way and he slid "kidney-first"
into the ringpost. Austin gets a two-count, then applies a bow-and-arrow. Bret escapes
and goes for a Sharpshooter, but can't lock it on. Bret gets a sleeper on Austin until he
gets a jawbreaker. Austin cinches in a Million Dollar Dream, but Bret pushes his feet off
the top rope. This pushes both men back and Austin's shoulders down for the three-
count at 28:33. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: *****.
Amazing match and as close to perfect as you'll find in the Whiff. This is why
Stone Cold is one of the "top guys." Vintage Bret Hart and possibly Austin's finest
match ever.
We follow this up perfectly with Dok Hendrix talking to Sid. He's in the main event, you know. If you're stoked for that match, after the one we've just seen, you're a boob.
Capt. Lou Albano wanders down to the ringside area. He has no idea where he is or what the fuck he's doing. Thankfully, he's doing Spanish commentary so we don't have to hear him.
Faarooq, Razor Ramon, Diesel & Vader vs. Savio Vega, Yokozuna, Flash Funk
& Superfly Jimmy Snuka
PG-13 (never named on WWF TV) lead the Nation Of Domination entourage to the ring.
If you didn't think that the whole NOD thing was both dumb and tasteless, you're a
fucking idiot. Just my opinion. J.R. blows his fucking load with compliments and pants-
creaming for the Fake Razor Ramon ("He's bigger. He's younger. He's stronger. He's
better looking... than the first guy that had that name.") and the Fake Diesel. Superfly's
a "mystery partner," by the way. We get Jim Cornette for guest commentary and he
takes precisely 30 seconds to annoy the fuck out of me -- which is actually about 31
seconds longer than it usually takes. Vader and Flash start things out and Vader kicks
the crap out of Flash. Vader gets knocked to the floor and Flash hits a moonsault from
the top rope to the floor. Back in the ring, Vader powerbombs Flash, but Yokozuna
comes in and attacks Vader. Yoko, by this point, couldn't do a thing. Faarooq and
Savio get tagged in and don't do anything exciting. Fake Razor gets the tag and more
boring crap. Razor hits a bowling shoe ugly fallaway slam and tags Fake Diesel. He
kind of reminds me of Kane, actually. Flash gets tagged in and is the victim of a terrible
looking clothesline and more bullshit by Diesel. Faarooq gets the tag and Flash gets
spinebusted. Vader and Savio get tagged. Then the fake Diesel and, finally, Superfly.
Superfly gets some licks in on Diesel, who tags Vader. Superfly headbutt, dropkick, and
bodyslam on Vader. Superfly gets caught in the corner, but gets out and tags Savio.
Vader pulls the ropes down and Savio goes to the floor long enough for Faarooq to ruff
him up. Jacknife by Diesel puts Savio away at 8:33. Snuka and Razor in there and a
Superfly Splash puts Razor away at 9:27. Diesel comes in with a chair and nails Snuka.
This results in a huge mess involving everybody and the ref calling for the bell at 9:44.
If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: *1/2. There was actually
some decent action here, but the bullshit ending ruined this match. The show almost
ran out of time, which probably explains the hasty finish.
Skimpy highlight package detailing the Sid vs. Michaels feud. It's almost as exciting now as it was back then.
WWF Title Match
Sycho Sid vs. Shawn Michaels (champion)
The "Sycho" spelling isn't a typo on my behalf. If I recall correctly, Crazy Whiff Spelling
had "Psycho" being spelled "Sycho." I just wish "Michaels" was "Michaelz." Shawn's
accompanied by Jose Lothario (remember him). Vince creams his pants over Shawn.
This actually showed the crowd evenly split between the big nasty heel and the
prettyboy babyface champ. Shawn tries flipping and flopping. Sid relies on punching.
Sid attempts an early powerbomb and Michaels escapes to the floor. Back in, Shawn
gets a boot in Sid's face, chop-blocks him and... gets booed! Shawn works over
the leg of Sid with stomps and a figure-four that... gets booed! Sid reverses it
and they roll into the ropes. Shawn keeps after the knee and keeps... getting
booed! Sid manages to squirt Shawn shoulder-first into the ringpost and follows by
kicking him in the ribs. Shawn gets whipped into the ropes and dropkicks Sid in the
knee, then... gets booed! Here's a great quote from J.R.: "the fans... are not
gonna pay your grocery bill next month... or whatever." Good one. Fuck the fans, right?
Sid dumps Michaels on the floor and drops him throat-first on the guardrail. Sid rolls
Michaels back in and gets a two-count. Sid backdrops Shawn and puts the boots to
him. Shawn manages to guillotine Sid on the top rope and gets booed again. Michaels
goes off the top with something but Sid catches him and gives him a backbreaker. Sid
fucking sucks. Lots of slow, boring big man shit from Sid. They start slugging it out
fistfight style. Pretty much every move by Michaels gets booed and Sid gets pops.
Michaels slams Sid and comes off the second rope and into a Sid boot. Sid locks on a
Million Dollar Dream, but Michaels punches out of it. Chokeslam attempt by Sid and
Michaels eye-gouges his way out. Sweet Chin Music attempt by Shawn, but Sid
catches his foot and chokeslams him. Sid sets Michaels up for the powerbomb but
Shawn gets a small-package for two. Powerslam by Sid for another two-count. Flying
forearm by Michaels, but Sid mows him down with a clothesline for another two-
count. Sid, for some reason, grabs a camera from a cameraman. Lothario comes up to
the apron, for some reason, and Sid pushes him in the chest with the camera.
Jose falls to the floor, clutching his chest. Michaels hits the Sweet Chin Music and goes
to check on Jose. Sid comes out and they go back in the ring. Cross-bodyblock by
Michaels accidentally takes out Hebner. J.R. hopes Jose's not having a heart attack.
I'm not so kind. Shawn goes to the floor again. This time, Sid smacks him with the
camera, rolls him back and hits him with a shitty powerbomb for the Hebner's Hurt,
Slow, And In Pain Three-Count and the title at 20:01. If I was a Snowflake type of
guy, I'd give it: **1/2. Good match considering it had Sid in it; but a bad one
considering it had Shawn in it.
In conclusion...
OK show with some solid in-ring action, mixed with some bad stuff -- often in the same
match. The show's most otable, however, for the presence of one undeniable classic
(Austin vs. Bret) and the WWF debut of The Rock. Watch the show for those things,
and you won't be too disappointed with the rest of it.