Survivor Series (November 9, 1997 - Montreal, PQ)

By The Sarge

This show would, of course, feature the infamous "screwing" of Bret Hart and the tragic ending to the Hitman's career (his WCW stint doesn't count). Tragic, that is, because we'd never get to hear him say "THE Summer Slam" on WWF TV again. Also, because this show really sucked.

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A highlight package details the Hart-Michaels history. Michaels' choice of words ("I choose to live my life openly and freely") sounds pretty... well... gay. Among excellent footage is stuff from Wrestlemania XII, Summer Slam '97, and other shit.

Gee whiz, the highlight package would lead you to believe that this is going to be a classic.

Of course, the event being brought to us by Karate Fighters and subtitled "Gang Rulz" (there goes that crazy Whiff spelling again), would make you think otherwise.

J.R. and Jerry King Lawler will be calling the action because Vince is backstage preparing to screw Bret. But if it's any consolation, Tito Santana is one-half of the Spanish Announce Team and we've got two generations of Rougeaus on the French Announce Team. Somewhere... Dynamite Kid is seeing red.

The New Blackjacks & The Head Bangers vs. "Bad Ass" Billy Gunn, The Road Dog & The Godwinns
We've got a French ring announcer tonight. 'Cuz we're in Quebec. This is early Roadie & Billy: pre "New Age Outlaws" name and with only one "g" in "Dog." This is, of course, elimination-style. Windham and Phineas start out, which delights me. Phineas should really think about a shirt. Phineas gets shoulderblocked and retreats to the floor. Bradshaw gets tagged in and powerslams Phineas for a two-count. Henry gets tagged in and this match is pretty goddamn boring so far. A bunch of big man shit between Henry and Bradshaw. A Russian legsweep gets a two-count for Bradshaw. He attempts a suplex, but can't get Henry up. Henry suplexes Bradshaw again for a two- count. A Henry clothesline also gets a two-count. An abdominal stretch into a pin (like they do in No Mercy) by Bradshaw pins Henry at 3:52. Phineas comes in and Windham gets tagged in too. Suplex by Windham gets a two-count. As does a gut-wrench. Sloppy-assed clothesline gets another two-count. Clothesline by Phineas eliminates Windham (???) at 5:13. Mosh comes in, elbows Phineas, and puts on an armbar. A bunch of mediocre basic moves by Phineas here. Mosh did go to college. Has a college degree. And was a pretty good amateur wrestler. Phineas works his way out of something and tags Billy Gunn, who does really boring crap. Lots o' stomps from Billy. Indecipherable chant (possibly "faggot") directed at Billy, who has done nothing but punches and kicks. Mosh gets his foot up in the corner and clotheslines Mosh. "Billy's gay" chant -- proving that his teaming with Palumbo was inevitable. Mosh tries a bulldog, but Billy slams him face-first and pins him at 8:40. We're down to Thrasher & Bradshaw vs. Phineas, Road Dog, & Billy. Thrasher and Phineas come in and Thrasher headlocks Phineas. Wristlock now and this is getting way too exciting. J.R. admits that he knows where McMahon is and he's quite busy. J.R. was in on it too! Meanwhile, this match sucks ass. Now a hammerlock (wow!) and a roll-up that gets two. Some really messy basic stuff. Will one of these guys tag already? Please? Thrasher goes up top and nails Phineas with the flying crotch for the elimination at 12:38. Road Dog gets tagged in. So does Bradshaw, who kicks the crap out of Roadie. Bradshaw gets distracted by Billy and Road Dog rolls him up for the pin at 13:45. It's down to Road Dog & Billy vs. Thrasher. Please end soon. Thrasher goes into the ropes and gets kicked in the back by Billy. Road Dog tries for the Chartbuster, but gets hiptossed. Blind tag and a second attempt at the Chartbuster gets fucked up. But Billy's the legal man and he comes off the top with something crappy to eliminate Thrasher at 15:26. Your Survivors: Road Dog and Billy Gunn. The winners? Nobody. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: *1/2. Really, really boring and bad match. And a horrible choice to open the show.

Kevin Kelly's in the WWF Superstar Line Room with Sunny. Candido has no reason to worry. Because Kelly's a "happily married man." Yeah... married to PORN! With animals.

Oh hell...

The Truth Commission (Jackal, Interrogator, Recon & Sniper) vs. The Disciples Of Apocalypse (Crush, Chainz, Skull & 8-Ball)
Jesus Christ. This version of the Commission includes The Jackal as the motivational leader, the Interrogator (Kurrgan) as the Interrogator, Recon and Sniper (one of which is Bull Buchanan). The DOA enter on beautiful Titan Bikes to go along with their "biker" gimmick. And just sit back and smell the workrate on this one. Kurrgan the Interrogator is the pride and joy of Moncton, NB. He plays "monster" in this one. Him and Chainz start out. Chainz tries punches and shit but they're no-sold. Kurrganator no-sells some more stuff and side slams Chainz for the three at 1:18. Recon (Bull) comes in against either Skull or 8-ball and does some more big man stuff. Recon slams DOA Bald Guy and tags in Jackal for a knee-drop off the top. DOA Bald Guy no-sells it and side slams Jackal for the three at 2:51. Sniper comes in and does boring stuff. Jackal joins the commentary team and plays up his "cult leader" gimmick. Recon gets tagged in and gets beaten down in the DOA corner. Crush gets tagged in and does his usual bullshit - - including those awful legdrops -- to Recon. Belly-to-belly by Crush? Gets a two-count. Kick by Recon takes out a DOA Bald Guy. They run into each other and the DOA Bald Guy makes the phantom tag, clotheslines Recon for the three-count. Sniper comes in and gets a neckbreaker for a two-count. DOA Bald Guy tags the other DOA Bald Guy and they hit that double spinebuster thing. Bulldog by Sniper gets a three-count at 6:31. DOA Bald Guy comes in and does big man junk to Sniper, then tags in Crush. Suplex by Crush. Crush gets Sniper in a headscissors. Please tap. DOA Bald Guy gets tagged in. End this! Kurrganator gets tagged in and side slams DOA Bald Guy for the pin at 8:50. It's now Kurrganator & Sniper vs. Crush. Sniper gets tagged in and punches Crush, who does a pretty interesting looking powerslam type thing to eliminate Sniper at 9:47. Kurrganator comes in and side slams Crush for the pin and the win at 9:58. Sole Survivor: Kurrgan? Jackal hops in the ring and celebrates. J.R. has the nerve to say that "we're going to see great things from the Truth Commission, In my view." What a piece of shit. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: DUD. Worst match in Survivor Series history.

We get video clips of fans speculating on who's going to win the big main event. It's pretty much split. J.R. thinks Montreal is "clean." He also had some smoked meat the night before. I hear Pat Patterson smoked some meat.

Kevin Kelly's in Cold Stone's dressing room looking at his balls and asking him questions. Cold Stone's chatting on AOL, though. He seems interested.

Clips of a party at some restaurant. What's the fucking point?

The next match is Team USA vs. Team Canada. We get clips of Steve Blackman's TV debut where he rushed the ring, posing as a fan, and kicked the crap out of Team Canada. The story goes that Blackman was arrested, Vader bailed him out, and got Commissioner Slaughter to put him on the time.

Michael Cole's talking to USA, which consists of Vader, Marc Mero, Goldust, and Steve Blackman. The very picture of American patriotism. This is during Goldust's mid-life crisis. He's got "Alive Again" written on the back of his head and "F.U." painted on his face.

Vader, Goldust, Marc Mero & Steve Blackman vs. The British Bulldog, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon
Team USA's music is a generic American-sounding song that used to be the Patriot's song and is now Kurt Angle's. We get an uneventful backstage promo from Team Canada and they come out to the Bret Hart music. They get a pretty good reaction -- despite the fact that only one of them (the incredibly over Phil LaFon) is from Canada. J.R. makes my day by pointing that out. Team USA could be described as a "rag-tag group of misfits." Mero and Bulldog start out. Mero was in full boxer-gimmick mode by this point and, therefore, terrible. Mero gets shoulderblocked and tossed around and retreats to the floor. He comes back in and moves Sable away from the the Team USA corner (he was also in over-protective/abusive husband mode). Vader gets tagged in and beats the poo out of Bulldog. Vader comes off the second rope and gets powerslammed by Bulldog, then suplexed. Bulldog tags LaFon, who looks like a jobber tonight. Mero gets tagged in and breaks from the punching long enough to do a knee- lift. Mero gets trapped in the Canada corner and beaten on. Anvil comes in for a second, but brings LaFon in. Blackman gets tagged and does some kicks. Wow! An elbow. DDT by LaFon gets a two-count. Crucifix by LaFon gets a two-count. Some kicking and bullshit. LaFon gets backdropped to the floor. Blackman goes after him and gets in a scrap with members of Team Canada. LaFon gets back in the ring. Blackman doesn't and gets counted out at 5:46. Dumbass. It's because he's not versed in the "catch-as-catch-can" style. Mero and Anvil are in there and doing stuff. Anvil misses a moonsault off the second rope and Mero tags Vader. Anvil knocks Vader down for a two-count. A couple elbow drops by Vader, and a splash, and Anvil's gone at 7:32. LaFon comes in and kicks Vader to the floor. LaFon follows and throws LaFon into the ringsteps. LaFon heads in and Furnas goes over for cheapshots. Vader makes his way in and "manhandles" LaFon. Belly-to-belly by Vader and a second rope splash and LaFon can get the fuck outta there at 9:08. Furnas comes in and dropkicks Vader -- and almost connects. He misses a second dropkick. Vader tags Mero, who... PUNCHES Furnas. Mero does a Merosault for a two-count. Spinebuster by Furnas... and the tag to the Bulldog. Mero gets his head smacked into the turnbuckle a bunch of times. Bulldog escapes a sunset flip. Mero escapes a powerslam. More crap from Mero. Furnas gets tagged in and Mero and him trade punches. This sucks. Roll- up by Furnas eliminates Mero at 11:58. Vader comes in and dishes out Vader-punches to Furnas. Big clothesline by Furnas. J.R. reminds us that the "F.U." on Goldust's face means "Forever Unchained." Cute. His cast (he's got an injured hand) says "Freedom." Vader goes for the tag, but Goldust won't tag him. Furnas gets suplexed by Vader. Furnas punches Vader in the balls, but the ref isn't looking. Bulldog gets tagged in and clotheslined. Both guys try to tag, but Goldust drops to the floor. Beautiful belly-to-belly suplex by Furnas on Vader. Frankensteiner by Furnas for a two-count. Vader tags Goldust in, against his will. Goldust takes a walk and gets counted out at 16:57. This would set up the *************4/7 Goldust vs. Vader match at the Royal Rumble. Bulldog grabs the ringbell. Vader gets Furnas with the Vaderbomb and pins him at 17:33. Bulldog decks Vader with the bell and kicks it out of the way before the refs see it. He rolls on top and gets the pin at 17:45. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: **. J.R. calls that "a wild match-up." I call it "boring crap."

Order your very own Stone Cold "Jackass" t-shirt.

J.R. calls (imagine being on the receiving end of that call) the winner of the "Super Supper Sweepstakes Winner." Jacqueline Cook of Columbia, SC gets to dine with any WWF Superstar of her choice. Her pick was Cold Stone. Mine would've been Flash Funk.

We go from something very nice to something very deadly...

Kane. Terrible highlight package ensues. Utilize fast-forward button or suffer the consequences.

Mankind, Kane's opponent, is giving a promo from a darkened storage room or something. It's actually a rather inspired promo for what would turn into an uninspired match.

Mankind vs. Kane
We're told this match may go "beyond bizarre." Can't wait. Kane's lame and he's with the man that would turn out to be his "father," Paul Bearer. Mankind attacks Kane in the entry-way and gets tossed -- by the throat -- into the ringsteps. And tossed in again. By the way, the entire match is fought with red lights. And yes, it's as annoying to watch as you can imagine. The opening bell rings to make it official. This is basically a shit- kicking. Mankind tries some punches and kicks because, lets face it, Foley's never been one to actually do much in terms of offense. Mankind clothesline sends both guys to the floor. Kane whacks Mick with the ringsteps. Punches by Kane. I'm going on "transcribing" boycott until one of these bastards does a wrestling move. OK, Boss Man Slam by Kane. Greco Roman Kick sends Foley to the floor, where he gets whipped into the steps. Mankind stun-guns Kane into the steps and whacks him with a chair. Kane no-sells. In the ring, wedgie piledriver by Mankind. Mankind reaches outside and gives P. Bearer the Mandible Claw. Kane's still laying motionless from that wedgie piledriver. No-selling... then over-selling. Find an in-between, buddy. Oh... Kane does the Undertaker's Dead Man sit-up, grabs Mankind by the throat and throws him through the Spanish Announce Table. Kane drags Mankind around and to the aisle -- for some reason. But Mankind DDTs him on the floor. Mankind goes up and hits the running elbow off the apron. He then goes up to the second rope, but Kane hops up to the apron and tosses him to the floor in a pretty sick bump. Mankind heads back in and Kane Tombstones him for the win at 9:29. Sucky. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: **. Definitely an inflated grade given the quality of the match, but Foley worked his ass off and the two big bumps (the table bump and the slam off the second rope to the floor) were both impressive.

Want WWF dog tags? You shouldn't. But if you do -- send your cable bill to some address in New York.

Michael Cole is honoured to talk to Vince McMahon and Bob Slaughter. They talk about increased security backstage and wanting to have "this match." They never actually mention, by name, what "this match" was.

The Nation Of Domination (Faarooq, Kama Mustafa, D'Lo Brown & Rocky Maivia) vs. Ken Shamrock, Ahmed Johnson & The Legion Of Doom
The NOD enter the ring and we get a really bad promo from the faces. You know, it was one year before -- at this very event -- that Rocky Maivia made his WWF debut. The Faarooq-Ahmed feud, at this point, had been going on for about a year-and-a-half. In that time, NO good matches occurred. Hopefully this will change that. D'Lo and Hawk start out. D'Lo tries a bunch of stuff, but Hawk was beyond awful by this point. Piledriver by D'Lo, which Hawk no-sells. HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Hawk always no-sells the piledriver! He gets dropped straight on his head with his entire body crashing down on it -- a move that has legitimately paralyzed people before - - and it doesn't hurt him a bit. He's amazing! He follows the no-sell with a Rude Awakening on D'Lo, who tags Rocky. A Rock Bottom (before it was called that) by Rocky and Hawk is (thankfully) gone at 2:16. Ahmed comes in and beats up Rocky pretty bad. Imagine that happening now! HA! The Godfather Mustafa gets tagged in. He tries the punches and clotheslines and has some success. He quits while he's ahead and tags Faarooq. He's never faced Ahmed before. Right. This match is pretty much all punch-and-kick and, therefore, shitty. Faarooq punches Ahmed in... the ear? Big Ron tries a Dominator, but Ahmed flips out, catches his dreaded foe in a Pearl River Plunge and pins him at 4:40. D'Lo comes in because he's good and froggy splashes Ahmed. In what could be deemed a "rookie mistake," he doesn't go for the pin. Ahmed no-sells punches, jogs around and does a move that, frankly, I'm fucking astounded he'd even try: kind of a combination of a screwdriver and a Michinoku Driver. Doesn't even get the pin. D'Lo tags Rocky. Faarooq, who's still at ringside, trips Ahmed when he comes off the ropes and holds him down while Rocky pins him at 6:19. Referee Jack Doan, on the outside holding Faarooq, allows the pin to count -- 'cuz he's a fucking moron. We're down to Rocky, D'Lo & Kama vs. Shamrock & Animal. Awesome. Rocky gets kicked a lot and clotheslined by Animal, who then tags Shamrock. Nice clotheslines and dropkicks by Shamrock. Rocky tags in Kama, who was still kind of a "supreme fighting machine." He runs into a turnbuckle. Animal gets tagged in, which brings about the dream match-up of Animal vs. Kama. Kama scores with some forearms to the back, but gets thrown on his face. They run around a bit and clothesline each other. Back suplex by Animal gets a two-count. Kama gets all kicky and punchy in there. Shoulderblock by Animal. He sucks. Kama gets shoved into Rocky and rolled up by Animal at 10:53. D'Lo comes in and gets clotheslined. Shamrock gets tagged in and punches the crap out of D'Lo. Clothesline by Shamrock. D'Lo spreads Shamrock's legs and Rocky punches him in the balls when the ref's not looking. D'Lo does that cool legdrop -- then the not-so-cool chinlock. Shammy elbows his way out but gets a knee in the gut. D'Lo chokes him. Then gives him a rib-breaker and misses a nice-looking second rope moonsault. D'Lo makes the tag to Rocky and Shamrock tags Animal. Animal whoops the NOD guys when Billy and Road Dog show up -- Billy with Animal facepaint on and Road Dog wearing his scary spiked shoulderpads. Animal gets dumped to the floor and can't resist going after the mouthy heels. Road Dog throws powder in his eyes. And Animal gets counted out at some point around 15:06. We're down to Rocky & D'Lo vs. Shamrock. That's a main event in any arena! My guess is that D'Lo's a dead man in a minute or so. He gets some offense in. Namely, a clothesline. Rocky ain't tagging in... yet. There we go. Shamrock clotheslines both NODers and gives D'Lo a belly-to-belly and an ankle-lock, which he taps to at 17:11 (despite not being the legal man). Meanwhile, Rocky's a heel and grabs a chair. The refs are tending to D'Lo and Rocky whacks Shammy with the chair and pins him at -- NO! Two-count? Rocky stomps Shammy down in the corner. Rocky does that flippy-aroundy DDT for a two-count. And he's pissed. People's Elbow? Kind of. People at this point don't like it. It gets a two-count. Shamrock does some punches. A second flippy-aroundy DDT gets caught by Shamrock, who reverses into a northern lights suplex. Frankensteiner by Shamrock. Shamrock takes Rocky down with an armbar, then moves down and applies the ankle- lock, which makes Rocky tap at 20:33. Hear J.R. fellate Shamrock after the match. Pitiful. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: **1/2. Easily the best of the elimination matches, but the last three minutes was the only portion of the match that had any energy and/or good wrestling. The rest of it was radically average.

Michael Cole talks to people in the nosebleed seats. Suckers.

A little ad for the D-Generation X pay-per-view the month following. I'm told it sucked shit. Not that I'd be enough of a donkey to buy and/or watch a PPV headlined by Michaels vs. Shamrock and Helmsley vs. Bob Slaughter.

We get a highlight package that tells us how fucking great Stone Cold Steve Austin is and why Owen Hart doesn't have a fucking hope in Hell of retaining his Intercontinental title. This, of course, was brought about by the piledriver at Summer Slam that almost paralyzed Austin.

WWF Intercontinental Title
Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Owen Hart (champion)

You think Owen stands a chance here? If so, you're a bigger 'tard than I am. Owen gets escorted to the ring by Team Canada from that earlier match. Owen stalls on the floor forever, which annoys me quite a bit. Anvil sneaks up behind Austin, but gets Stunnered. Team Canada leaves. Owen takes over... for about two seconds. Owen tries for a piledriver, but gets backdropped. Owen goes to the floor and wraps Austin's knee around the ringpost. Austin manages to poke Owen in the nose with his foot, which makes Owen try to run away. Austin tracks him down and brings him back to the ringside area. Owen kicks Austin in the balls and slams his face on the remains of the Spanish Announce Table. Owen chokes Austin with a cable and has some pretty good antics. He demands the ref disqualify him and rings the ringbell himself. J.R. goes insanely self-righteous. A bunch of kicks in the corner by Owen, but Austin pokes him in the eye and does the mudhole stomp in the corner. Stunner? What the fuck? It's over at 4:02 and Austin's the new IC champ. Furnas and LaFon try run-ins, but each get Stunnered. Awesome, awesome match. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: DUD. This would've been better if it was Owen got no offense in at all. At least that way you could file it under the "squash" category. As it stands, this was just a bad short match. Austin was incredibly out of shape and obviously not ready to return from his injury. Owen couldn't have done anything to make this watchable.

We get some commercials featuring WWF Superstars validating their choice of profession. Oh... it's WWF Attitude. I forgot... Attitude.

We get a highlight package to hype the big main event. Pretty much the same one at the beginning of the show. Then...

Goldberg-esque "walking from his dressing room to the ring" stuff shows Michaels, with Helmsley, Chyna, and Rick Rude (1997 DX) coming to the ring. He leaves the DX guys backstage. Once in the ring, he wipes his crotch and picks his nose with the Canadian flag, then humps it. J.R. apologizes to their friends and fans in Canada. Thanks, J.R. But it's OK. We forgive him.

Bret comes on down with Bulldog, Anvil, and some little kid. He leaves them backstage, though. Huge pops for Bretman Hit Hart.

WWF Title Match
Shawn Michaels vs. Bret "The Hitman" Hart (champion)

Shawn's European title is not on the line. It's funny when he bats away a sign that says "Brian Pillman 1962-1997," though. Before the match, they rip right into each other all brawly style. Shawn gets clotheslined to the floor and tossed into the ringpost. They brawl on the floor and Shawn does lots of that goofy selling where he hops on one foot and twists as he falls. They brawl over the guardrail and into the crowd. Shawn gets thrown back over the rail. Vince, Slaughter, road agents, and referees are at ringside. J.R. talks about "rumours about Bret Hart's future." Michaels chokes Bret Hart with something. Back over the guardrail. Shawn tries piledriving Bret, but gets backdropped over the rail to the pretty black mat. They start down the aisle and Shawn gets backdropped after another failed piledriver. Shawn gets suplexed on the floor. Michaels punches Pat Patterson for no reason, although there would probably be a lot of good reasons unrelated to this match. Hart gets tossed into a ref. Shawn gets tossed over something to the floor and Bret nails him with a fire extinguisher. They fight at the entryway tunnel and Bret punches Referee Jack Doan in the head. They finally start to fight their way back to the ring. Finally... we're back in. The match officially starts (about eight minutes after they started fighting). Bret chokes Shawn with a Quebec flag. Inverted atomic drop by Bret Hart, the Hitman. Flying forearm by Michaels. Michaels kicks Bret around and chokes him with the Quebec flag. Michaels yaps at a rowdy group of fans. Shawn throws Bret to the floor and yaps some more. Some slow-paced fighting on the floor, where Shawn takes control. Shawn gives Bret a "face-first suplex," according to J.R., on the ringsteps. Shawn's kicking butt now. Shawn rolls Bret back in and comes off the top with an axehandle. Front-facelock by Michaels. Bret stands up out of it and throws Michaels on his face. Bret starts after Michaels' knee with some elbows. Bret keeps going after the knee, but Shawn avoids too much damage. Shawn goes up top and comes off with a cross-body, but Bret rolls through for a two-count. Bret trips Shawn and goes to the floor to wrap his knee around the post and put on the ringpost figure-four. Bret comes back in and focuses on the leg with his usual wear-down moves. Figure-four by Bret Hart. Michaels rolls over, reversing the hold. Bret grabs the ropes. Shawn gets whipped in and does his flip thing. Russian legsweep by Bret Hart, the Hitman. Headbutt to the... lower abdomen. Suplex by Bret gets a two-count. Backbreaker now. Bret goes up top for his elbow or something and Shawn pulls Referee Hebner in front of him to cause the Hebner Ref Bump (a ref bump like no other). Eye rake by Michaels. Sharpshooter... and here it is... the Montreal Screwjob. Ring the bell, dammit. Ring the fucking bell. Bret tries to escape the hold, but it's over at 12:18. Shawn's the new champ. After the match, Bret spits on Vince; Shawn over-acts; Gerald Brisco hurries Michaels and Helmsley out back (amazing that Helmsley had the presence of mind to come to the ring for no apparent reason) -- and, best of all, the camera catches everything from every possible angle. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***. Good enough match, but being cut off about halfway through kind of ruins it. As does the ending. Still, something to see.

Since J.R. and Jerry King Lawler are in on this too, they play dumb about the whole thing -- in their "in character" voices. J.R. says "good night." I say "fuck off."

In conclusion...
Sucky, sucky show. The matches were mediocre at best and Truth Commission vs. DOA at worst. Just dreadful. Poop. Historically significant due to the Screwjob, but such a bad show. Bad. Terrible.

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