By The Sarge
My undoing will be the ridiculous gimmick match. Multiple rings? I love 'em. It gets me with War Games and it gets me with that goofy three-ring 60-man battle royal at World War 3. They all sucked... but I loved 'em. Go figure.
Exciting opening segment
The usual "this is what's on the show tonight" video. Tony, Bobby, and Dusty talk more
about the Roddy Piper and Hogan contract signing than anything, which is dumb
because this is World War Fuckin' 3 and we've got a three-ring 60-man battle royal.
8-Crown "Cruiserweight" Title Match
Rey Mysterio, Jr. vs. Ultimate Dragon (champion)
The "8-Crown" is actually called "J Crown" and represents eight titles from Great Britain,
Mexico and Japan. They aren't all "cruiserweight" titles but that's what Penzer calls 'em
anyway. May as well... he calls the Dragon "Ultimate" and all. That annoys me almost
as much as Sonny Onoo accompanying every Japanese wrestler to the ring,
which is why he comes to the ring with Dragon. The match starts "on the mat" with
Dragon taking advantage. Dusty calls Dragon's approach "the Dean Malenko
approach." Tony gets to say "full armdrag and twist," which he loves. Some flip-floppin'-
and-a-flyin' actually gets called that by Dusty. He's on a role and says "kick 'em in the
belly welly" too. Rey gets knocked to the apron and Dragon dropkicks him to the floor.
Back in, Dragon gives Rey a wicked German suplex and does that press-slam
type drop. Dragon gets Rey in a more painful version of a Torture Rack, spins him
around fast and drops to his knee, which "breaks" Rey's back. Half-crab by Dragoooon.
Dragon powerbombs Rey, but holds on and flips him back, dropping him throat-first on
the top rope. Spinebuster by Dragon gets called a powerbomb by Tony. Dragon does
the Giant Swing to Rey, which means both guys get dizzy and fall down. Fisherman's
suplex by Dragon gets a two-count. Vicious brainbuster by Dragon gets another two-
count. As does a small package by Rey. Dragon lays back with a figure-three, which
makes no sense because he's dropped Rey on his head, neck, or upper back about 200
times. A tombstone by Dragon... that's better. Some fighting on the floor. Tombstone
by Dragon on the floor. Dragon back in and vaults over the top rope with a splash on
Rey, who's laying on the floor. Huracanrana off the top rope by Dragon gets a two-
count; as does a running powerbomb by Dragon. Rey battles back and does a wacky
double-springboard moonsault that barely connects. Springboard dropkick by Rey
sends Dragon to the floor. Rey springboards from the second rope, turns in mid-air and
hits Dragon (on the floor) with a somersault. Some rolling around and flipping and
flopping and a bunch of two-counts. Dragon suplex by... well... Dragon. Sunset flip by
Rey gets two. He goes to the apron to try a springboard huracanrana, but Dragon
catches him, bounces him off the top rope, and powerbombs him for the win at 13:48.
If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***1/2. Good stuff, but it was
a little two one-sided.
Gene's backstage and hypes www.wcwwrestling.com then talks to DDP about the NWO's recruiting efforts towards him. No word if Kimberly was going to come with him or not. DDP actually mentions Battlebowl, which shocks the hell out of me.
One Arm Tied Behind My Back Match
Nick Patrick vs. Chris Jericho
Oh God. To make a long story short: Nick Patrick ripped Jericho off because he was a
heel ref. This took place before he "came out" as NWO. Jericho is accompanied by
Teddy Long and I have no idea why. The gimmick here is that Jericho has to wrestle
with one arm tied behind his back. Great. This is awful shit. I fucking hate Nick Patrick;
and Jericho -- as a personality (not as a wrestler) -- was pretty bland. And since this is a
"comedy" match, that's all that counts. Patrick stalls on the floor to start. Jericho pretty
much squashes Patrick with a bunch of hip-tosses and kicks. Patrick goes to the floor
where he shoves Teddy. Teddy shoves him back and the crowd actually pops
for it. More stalling by Patrick. Patrick sells like he's one of the Wet Bandits in the
Home Alone movies. Patrick gets in minimal offense, which is pretty much
punches and kicks. Patrick busts out a snapmare and that neck thingie that Mr. Perfect
does -- but he does it really, really slow. Patrick farts around and Jericho kicks his ass
again. Jericho asks if the fans are "ready" and gets no reaction. Nick goes to the floor
for the 487th time. Patrick goes to the top but gets caught and slammed from the top.
Jericho thankfully ends this with a Superkick and the win at 8:00. If I was a
Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: DUD. Pure shit.
Dusty, Bobby, and Tony debate on whether Hogan will step up and sign Piper's contract. Who the fuck cares? Even then?
More hype for wcwwrestling.com. The site sucked.
Gene talks to Flair, who won't be competing this evening because he's injured. Given the fact that he was out for a long time (until about March) and wasn't involved in any angles, it was a pretty pointless tirade. Typical NWO bashing and WCW loving. He did manage to add a touch of class after that last match.
Giant vs. Jeff Jarrett
This isn't just a "grudge match," it's a "RETURN grudge match." How impressive is
that? Green Giant enters through the crowd. Giant's sporting the U.S. title, which he
stole from Flair, who was stripped of it anyway. This was very early in Jarrett's first stint
with WCW and he's almost over. Lots of punching and shit to start out and lots of
stalling too. Jarrett tries "mounted punching" in the corner but gets thrown on his ass.
Giant clotheslines Jarrett but misses a Stinger Splash. Jarrett tries an unidentified
running attack in the corner, but Giant puts a boot in his gut. The match sucks so Dusty
starts ranting about Hogan. Tony mentions Giant's bit part in Jingle All The Way.
Meanwhile, typical Giant crap in the ring. The fans get distracted by Sting hanging out
in the rafters. Giant's squashing Jarrett in the ring. Sting starts coming down to the ring
and nobody gives a shit about the match. Not like they did before. A bodypress off the
top gets a two-count for Jarrett. Giant gets sent over the top and Jarrett struts. Sting
goes to the ring and gives Jarrett the Slop Drop. Giant chokeslams Jarrett for the win at
6:04. Classic. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: DUD. Bad,
bad match.
Time for the contract signing. I'm not going to provide blow-by-blow of this fucking thing because it sucked really, really bad and I'm just going to fast-forward through it anyway. To make a long story -- a really long story -- short, Piper and Hogan signed to face each other at Starrcade. Naturally, Piper received a gang beatdown from the NWO, which featured a newly heel Eric Bischoff hamming it up like never before. This whole thing lasted 15 minutes of PPV time. Terrible.
Amazing French Canadians vs. Harlem Heat
This match features my least favourite stipulation ever: if Harlem Heat wins, Sherri (their
manager) gets five minutes in the ring with Col. Parker (manager of the Canadians).
Jacques Rougeau, at this point, has one insanely sick comb-over (actually more like a
comb-back). The goofy Canadians sing their anthem and don't get beat up
halfway through. Jacques and Booker start off and the Book does some of his patented
kicks. Stevie Ray gets tagged in and does random "big man" moves. Carl Oulette gets
tagged in and does clotheslines before getting back suplexed. This is incredibly
slow and dull and the crowd's deader than Memphis. Booker scissor-kicks Oulette and
they exchange slams and elbows and crap. Book does the Spinaroni and that slow
jumping kick. Book ends up on the floor and Col. puts the boots to him. The Canadians
do the legsweep/clothesline thing that some old '80s team used to do. Booker gets his
throat dropped on the top rope. Booker does the Fatu sell for a clothesline from Oulette.
Rougeau gets Book in the Quebec Crab and Oulette legdrops him from the second
rope. Stevie tags in and press-slams Rougeau into Oulette. Scott Dickinson does a Ref
Bump and the Canadians spike piledrive Stevie. The Canadians haul out a table and
set up a really complicated spot where, basically, Oulette ends up missing a somersault
senton from on top of ringsteps that were on top of a table, which was laying across the
top rope. That Booker T somersault legdrop (can't remember the name now) gets Heat
the win at 9:15. This means Sherri gets five minutes with the Colonel. The
commentators and the ref think Sherri vs. Parker is a match. I don't. Sherri beat
Parker's ass for about two minutes -- until he ran away. If I was a Snowflake type of
guy, I'd give it: *1/2. Not an exciting match, by any means. In fact...
pretty... fucking... boring. The ending was mildly impressive, but not really.
Tony, Bobby, and Dusty talk for a few. Then we see a horrible promo video for Starrcade.
Gene hypes his hotline (1-900-909-9900). He then talks to Lex about something that went down between him and Sting. Lex is very earnest and unsure about what's going on. He doesn't know what to make of it. This wasn't a good interview at all, but it made me like Lex as a human being. He seemed like a really nice guy.
WCW Cruiserweight Title Match
Psychosis vs. Dean Malenko (champion)
Both men trade legholds to start things. This goes on for a couple minutes and pretty
much kills the crowd energy. Some more mat wrestling leads to Tony getting a chance
to say "full armdrag and twist." Dean works the leg some more, effectively taking away
the aerial attack of Psychosis -- at least that's what Tony and the boys say. Malenko is
incredibly slick here and applies a "bow-and-arrow type maneuver." Pscyhosis battles
back and kicks Dean to the floor, but trips on the top rope with a plancha attempt and
goes face-first into the guardrail. Back in the ring, Dean locks on Jerry Orbach's
favourite "submission" hold -- the headscissors. Psychosis gets to the ropes. Dean
drops a leg on Psychosis from the second rope and gets a two-count. Dean with a
single-leg Walls of Jericho. Bobby calls Psychosis "Psoriasis" and I laugh. Dean
powerbombs Psychosis and goes for the Texas Cloverleaf, but he gets to the ropes.
Dean dropkicks Psychosis in the knee. And stomps and drops a knee on Psychosis's
knee. Both men end up on the floor and Dean gets a backbreaker. From there,
Psychosis goes up top and hits a twisting senton splash. Back in, Psychosis drops a leg
from the top and gets a two-count. Dean goes up top and gets dropkicked and stuck on
top. Psychosis 'ranas him back down and Tony calls it a "hiro con plancha" (seriously).
Psychosis goes for a Tombstone, but it gets reversed, and reversed again, and
reversed and Dean ends up hitting it. Dean with an innocent looking wacky-assed rollup
that Bobby calls a "sunset flip after dark" and gets the win at 14:32. If I was a
Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***. Dean put on a submission clinic, but
Psychosis didn't do much. Also, with so much leg-work, a roll-up instead of a
submission victory is kind of dumb.
Triangle Match for the WCW World Tag Team Titles
The Outsiders (champions) vs. The Nasty Boys vs. Faces of Fear
Champs get introduced first and the match starts with Nastys and Outsiders brawling
before the Faces get to the ring. All six men brawl to start. With six amazing workers
like these guys, you know full-well we're in for a classic. This is not elimination-
style, so first pin wins -- which is dumb because you'd have to be a tard to tag
somebody not on your team. Then again, we are dealing with the Nasty Boys and
Faces of Fear here. Those teams start and there's "clubberin'." Nash gets tagged in
somehow. Meng probably wanted to help out the cool guy? Nash does his 12 seconds
and tags in the less lazy of the old bastards. Meng tags in briefly and Nash tags himself
back in. Knobbs is "like a punching bag" in there and that's all that's done to him. Lots
of quick tags here, which actually confuses things more than anything. This fucking
sucks. When the Barbarian is the best wrestler in the match, you know you're fucked.
Faces take turns kicking the crap out of Hall. This is just a mess and degenerates into a
big brawl with "six-way clubberin'." Sags hits his ugly looking piledriver on Barbie and
Nash tags in. Nash hits the match's high-spot -- a clothesline. Nash's "other move," the
side-slam gets a two-count. Classic Outsiders tag-team wrestling follows. And it's
about as shitty as "Classic Outsiders tag-team wrestling" sounds. Meng gets tagged in
and injects a little pep into this fucking thing, but not enough. Hall tags Barbarian but
Meng balks at the Face of Fear vs. Face of Fear confrontation that we've been waiting
for for so long. Knobbs gets tagged in and the Nastys clubber Barbarian. There's about
a zillion tags in this match and between them there's nothing but punching, kicking,
stomping, and other assorted boring shit. If the word "Yawn" was a wrestling match, it
would be the Outsiders vs. Nasty Boys vs. Faces of Fear. Fast-forward time. A bunch
of really slow and boring crap until Hall and Nash end up in the ring together. Nash lays
down for Hall for the cheap win but it's broken up. Big mess ensues, Knobbs gets
decked with Jimmy Hart's megaphone by Hall and Nash does the weak-assed Jacknife
for the win at 16:09. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: *1/2.
It's amazing that they gave such ininspired wrestlers this much time. Jeez.
Tony and Pals discuss the battle royal. Bobby's picking Dean Malenko to win this -- God bless him. Dusty talks about the contract signing instead, then departs to join his "broadcast partner" (Tenay). By the way, three-rings = three broadcast teams. The "other" team is Creepy Lee Marshall and Larry "I Don't Like Scott Hall -- At All" Zbyszko. They talk about shit. Tenay and Dusty talk about shit. Dusty tosses around names like Konan and Luger as possible winners.
60-Man Battle Royal
Cast (in order of appearance): Lex Luger, Eddie Guerrero, Tony Rumble, Diamond
Dallas Page, Kaos, Rage, VK Wallstreet, Marcus Bagwell, Scotty Riggs, Sgt. Craig
Pittman, Booker T, Stevie Ray, Big Bubba, Hugh Morrus, Konan, Ron Studd, Steven
Regal, La Parka, Pez Whatley, Steve McMichael, Disco Inferno, Renegade, Joe Gomez,
Meng, Barbarian, Bunkhouse Buck, Arn Anderson, Johnny Grunge, Ciclope, Galaxy,
Syxx, Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Giant, Scott Norton, Ultimate Dragon, Jimmy Graffiti, Mike
Enos, Rey Mysterio Jr., Roadblock, Ice Train, Jack Boot, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Chris
Benoit, Juventud Guerrera, Jacques Rougeau, Carl Oulette, Prince Iaukea, Dean
Malenko, Jeff Jarrett, Bobby Eaton, Jim Powers, Squire Dave Taylor, Chris Jericho, Alex
Wright, Mark Starr, JL, Villano IV, Rick Steiner, Taskmaster. My pick: "Pistol" Pez
Whatley. Since this is basically a "battle of hosses" and nothing interesting happens, I'll
ignore everything that's not important. And no form of "blow-by-blow" will appear until
we get down to the "nitty gritty." Got me? Before the match starts, Benoit and
Taskmaster (Kevin Sullivan) go at it -- 'cuz they were feuding and all. The other
Dungeon of Doom members (Konan, Bubba, Faces of Fear) help Sully out and Arn tries
to save Benoit. Benoit, Sullivan, and Bubber fight into the crowd and up the stairs --
where Benoit and Bubber take turns falling down the stairs. Lee (Harvey) Marshall is
going crazy the whole time -- more on this asshole in a second. We've got three
different shots -- one from each ring -- on the screen and it's impossible to watch.
Sullivan and pals are kicking the crap out of the Horsemen in one screen and jobbers
are fighting in the other two. The Faces of Fear make this show for me by beating up
Lee Marshall. He gets knocked down and Barbarian puts the boots to him. His selling's
pretty damn funny, actually. Larry's reaction is awesome too. Tenay tries to sell this
stuff as important... but, honestly, how do you get stoked up on Ice Train and Mark
Starr? I'm not much for transcribing, but this exchange -- after Lee Marshall gets back
to his feet -- is priceless. Larry: "How're ya doin'?" Lee: "How am I doin'!?!?! Whaddya
mean 'how am I doin?!' How do ya think I'm doin' with you standin' there well I'm getting
my brains kicked in? That's how I'm doin'!" Funny. It's funny hearing announcers
cutting each other off to tell us that "Ciclope has been eliminated!" No shit. The NWO
guys stand in the middle of their ring while the jobbers are droppin' like flies. Prince
Iaukea eliminated! Holy shit! Dusty refers to Ron Studd as "Big John Studd" on at least
two occasions. This match is a clusterfuck-and-a-half. The crowd pops kinda loud for
Giant eliminating Roadblock, which is really sad. This whole thing is pretty much just
punching, kicking, and trying to push guys over the top. Disco Inferno gets a Jacknife
from Nash. That's exciting. In one ring, about eight mid-carders are teaming up against
Ron Studd (a jobber). This sucks. Ultimo (fuck the "Ultimate") Dragon gets a Bronco
Buster from Syxx. Bagwell and Riggs of the American Males have some heated words
on the floor. Tenay is way too into this match. Marshall tells us that "Scott
Steiner is out," which is strange because he wasn't even in the match. Eventually all the
mid-carders head to "number two" to be with the NWO (make your own joke about that).
It's good to see Jack Boot and Jim Powers still in there after 20 minutes. Jack Boot is
finally eliminated by a clothesline from somebody. Jack Boot, by the way, is a
stupid name for Buddy Lee Parker. Even though everybody's in one ring, we're still
stuck with the three cameras. This is a main event for a pay-per-view??? NWO is
still standing in the corner and largely being ignored. At least Nash can say he
wrestled for over 40 minutes on this show. The mid-card talent starts to fly out faster
now. 13 guys left but these multiple shots are so confusing I can't keep track of who is
there. Why the fuck are there refs in the ring? Down to 10 guys: Giant, Nash, Hall,
Syxx, DDP, Luger, Rey, Jarrett, Regal, and Eddie. Regal backdrops Eddie out. Giant
catches Rey in mid-air, holds him up with one hand and throws him like a dart onto
Eddie. Jarrett gets clotheslined out by Nash. Regal pulls down the top and DDP runs
over the top and out. The NWO knocks Regal to the apron and Hall punches him to the
floor. We're down to Luger and all four NWO guys. Giant ends up getting Racked by
Lex for a second. Hall gets backdropped out and Luger press-slams Syxx onto him.
Luger racks Nash and Giant eliminates both of them to end this fucking thing at 28:19.
If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: *1/2. Because I'm generous.
The ending was kinda hot and there were a couple entertaining moments. Not good
ones -- but entertaining ones.
Some NWO posing and we're out.
Credits roll.
In conclusion...
I remembered this being much better. In fact, at the time of the show, I actually
liked it. Of course, I was a die-hard WCW mark at the time. Still, I liked the
show. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20 and -- five-plus years later -- I now realize that
this show sucked ass. Minus the two good matches (Rey vs. Dragon and Dean vs.
Psychosis), there was really nothing here at all.
What made a "not good" show just plain suck was the contract signing. Contract signings are a bad idea to begin with. They always make for "Bad TV." This one made for even worse TV because Vince didn't get Stunnered at the end of it. To put a contract signing on a pay-per-view is even worse, though. Especially when it hypes the next month's PPV. Nobody wants to put down their hard-earned cash for hype for another PPV. Plus, of course, the execution was terrible.
When the selling points of a PPV are a gimmick battle royal and a contract signing, it ain't good. And when both of those suck, it's even worse.