By The Sarge
"Welcome to Wrusslemania!"
- Vince McMahon at Wrestlemania (the first one, I think).
Exciting Opening Segment
"For over 50 years, the revolutionary force in Sports Entertainment" leads into a video package that looks into the historic past of Wrestlemania and looks towards the current "hatred" that's destroying the WWF. We get hype for the three big matches of the night (one of which actually deserves hype).
Linda McMahon's music plays, which delights me. Vince and J.R. start talking. Lawler's there too, but he remains quiet.
Four Team Elimination Tag Team Match
The Godwinns vs. The Head Bangers vs. Doug Furnas & Philip LaFon vs. The New Blackjacks
The Godwinns come out with Hillbilly Jim. Yay. We get footage of the original Blackjacks and an "investigative" interview (that's really bad) with the New Blackjacks. Damn... don't let Bradshaw near a mic. Apparently, the winning team gets a shot at the titles the next night on RAW. All eight men start out clubberin' each other. Order's restored and Bradshaw and Henry Godwinn start things out. Henry clotheslines Bradshaw, slaps on a headlock, and tags in Thrasher. Bradshaw manages to pump-handle slam Thrasher, then tags Phineas in the hard way (with a punch). Phineas tags Mosh in and both Bangers face off for about two seconds before Thrasher tags LaFon. LaFon takes care of Mosh, who tags Windham. Belly-to-belly by LaFon, who tags Furnas. Frankensteiner by Furnas. He tries a leapfrog, but gets powerslammed. Legdrop by Windham and a tag to Bradshaw. Clothesline from Hell attempt by Bradshaw, but he misses and gets dropkicked to the floor. Furnas tries suplexing Bradshaw in but Windham runs interference and Bradshaw brings Furnas to the floor with something meant to resemble a suplex. Windham puts the fists to Furnas on the floor and LaFon runs over to help his bud. Bradshaw tosses the ref to the floor and Furnas & LaFon fight the Blackjacks on the floor. A bell rings and, apparently, both teams have been disqualified. Brilliant. We're down to the shitty teams, Godwinns and Bangers. Typical Phineas shit being dished out to Thrasher. Henry gets tagged in and does some bowling shoe ugly stuff before tagging Phineas back in. Phineas and Thrasher spit at each other and Vince makes a veiled reference to Phineas being into beastiality. Henry gets tagged in and does a big splash on Thrasher and gets a count. Mosh tagged in now. A Henry clothesline sends both he and Mosh to the floor. Henry tries getting back in but gets guillotined on the top rope. Henry gets back to the apron and Mosh hits a springboard cross-body on him. Thrasher gets tossed (by Mosh) from the top to the floor, taking out Henry. Henry gets rolled back in for a two-count. Double-clothesline by the Bangers. Thrasher misses a moonsault. Both guys tag and Phineas has loads of bodyslams, back elbows, and other shit. Thrasher breaks up a Slop Drop attempt and Mosh nails Phineas with a "vertical version of the 'Bombs Away' perfected by Ray Stevens" to get the win and the title shot at 10:40. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: **. Better than I remember, but still hurt badly by the early elimination of Furnas & LaFon -- who were easily the best team in the match.
Brian Pillman and Sunny are backstage playing "Mean Gene." Talk to the winners and losers by calling (in the U.S.) 1-900-737-4WWF or (in Canada) 1-900-561-WWF1. In Great Britain (what the fuck?) call 0-891-299-888. You must be 18 or have parents' permission before calling. Pillman's WWF stint was depressing.
Honky Tonk Man's in the ring. Capt. Lou Albano and Arnold Skaaland are in the crowd. Honky comes over and joins the commentary group. J.R. makes a remark about him and Lawler being cousins. Har-Har.
WWF Intercontinental Title Match
The Sultan vs. Rocky Maivia (champion)
Sultan comes to the ring with The Iron Sheik and Bob Backlund. This match belongs on any Dwayne Johnson "Best Of" video. Tony Atlas is in the crowd. What's up with the old guys tonight? Staredown to start. Lots of punching. Clothesline and dropkick (???) by Rocky. Sultan goes to the floor and Rocky climbs the top rope -- but remembers he's Rocky Maivia and gets down. Rocky goes to the floor and clotheslines the ringpost. A bunch of Sultan offense follows. None of which is particularly interesting. Sultan does a nerve-hold, then a headbutt off the top. Headlock by Sultan. This is great. Rocky Hulks-up with punches, dropkicks, and a belly-to-belly suplex. Rocky does that spin-around flippy DDT thing, then goes up top and comes on with a bodypress. The Sheik has the official (Hebner) occupied so no count. Sultan comes back with a "thrust kick." Piledriver by Sultan gets a two-count. Sultan goes for something else, but Rocky flips behind and rolls up Sultan for the win at 9:45. Post-match, J.R. goes over to interview Rocky, but Sultan nails Rocky. Sultan rolls Rocky into the ring and gives him a Moneyshot. Sheik puts on the camel clutch and Sultan slaps Rocky. This leads to a run-in by... Rocky Johnson. He goes to help his son and Sultan beats him up with a flagpole and tears his shirt off. Rocky then fends off the Sultan and both generations of "Rocky" take turns bodyslamming the Sheik and comparing man-teets. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: *. Bad fuckin' match. And the post-match was even worse.
Pettengill's backstage with Guest Referee Ken Shamrock. We get clips of him hurting Billy Gunn from RAW. He then talks about the Hart vs. Austin match, which he will officiate.
Dok "P.S." Hendrix is talking to Hunter Hearst Helmsley, who is facing Goldust (even though that feud should have been over at the Royal Rumble... or sooner). Of note is the presence of a very muscular and masculine Chyna ("Joanie Laurer"). She was new at this time.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Goldust
If this was in WCW, it would be called a Grudge Match. It's no "Grudge Match" here in the Whiff, but it'll probably be just as good. Sarcasm intended. A couple clotheslines and some punching by Goldust start. Big inverted atomic drop and HHH gets clotheslined to the floor. Goldust does a variation of Ray Traylor's Sliding Punch and HHH gets tied up in the ropes. A big kick to the face by Goldust unties him. Goldust clotheslines HHH back into the ring (they were on the apron). HHH gets whipped into the ropes and counters with one of the moves where he uses his knee. Powerslam by Goldust. Goldust goes up top, but HHH tries a superplex. Somehow, Goldust falls down, landing face-first on the apron. HHH capitalizes by a punch off the top rope. Some whipping into corners and a HHH neckbreaker gets him a two-count. Abdominal stretch by HHH but no Rotundo rope-hold. Oh... there it is. Referee Mike Chioda goes house show and kicks HHH's arm away. Another knee move by HHH. J.R.'s doing his "pot/kettle/black" routine by making fun of Chyna for being ugly. HHH tries some pins, but Go'dust ain't laying down yet. HHH gets a couple knees to the balls. Suplex by Helmsley. Another knee move, a knee-drop this time. Some punching and whipping and HHH gives Go'dust a DDT. Backslide by Goldust gets two. As does a large-package. HHH slows it down with a clothesline . Goldust tries a bodyslam but his knee buckles. Bodypress by Goldust gets a two-count. Collision and both guys heads hit, knocking them down. HHH goes up top, because he's so used to that. Goldust hits HHH with his ass, taking a page from Koshinaka's playbook. J.R. says how ugly Chyna is again. Goldust with a "succession of right hands" and a backdrop. HHH tries to do a Flair Flip and Goldie bulldogs him. Chyna walks towards Marlena. Goldie tries his Curtain Call finisher, but HHH flips out. HHH goes for the Pedigree, but Goldie escapes and slingshots HHH into the ropes. Another Curtain Call, but Goldie goes to save Marlena by picking her up and putting her on the apron. HHH gives Goldust a knee to the back, which knocks Marlena into a bearhug from Chyna, who shakes Marlena "like she's a ragdoll." Pedigree by HHH ends this at 14:27. Marlena's hurt. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***. Better than their Royal Rumble match and decent enough, with the exception of a minute or two where it seemed like they ran out of gas.
Marc Mero and his wife Rena "Sable" Mero are selling Wrestlemania 13 merchandise for you viewers at home. Make your own joke concerning their present employment status.
Shawn Michaels, meanwhile, is chatting on AOL. No doubt he's picking up bored housewives.
WWF Tag Team Title Match
Vader & Mankind vs. Owen Hart & The British Bulldog (champions)
Vader & Mick have Paul Bearer with them. Owen & Bulldog are having problems. J.R. goes to stir up shit between the champs before the match, but Owen tells him off (God Bless Owen). Owen and Vader start and Vader gives Owen those Vader punches. Vader pummels Owen and no-sells a clothesline. Spinning heel kick by Owen takes Vader down, but Vader does a lazy bodyslam and misses an elbow. Powerbomb by Vader. Bulldog points at him. Vader threatens a Vaderbomb, which brings in Bulldog and Mankind. Owen dropkicks both challengers. Bulldog and Mick stay in the ring -- even though neither's legal. Vertical suplex by the Bulldog on Mankind... then one on Vader. It's kind of messy, so J.R. calls it a "modified suplex." Chinlock by Bulldog on Mankind. Vader pulls the rope down and Bulldog falls to the floor. Mankind goes after Bulldog with the urn, but gets a drop-toehold. Vader nails Bulldog with the urn instead. Vader gets tagged in and suplexes Bulldog for a two-count. J.R. calls Bulldog kicking out "a great move," which is weird because nobody ever gets pinned by a vertical suplex anyway. Second rope Moneyshot by Vader gets a two-count. And J.R. can't believe it doesn't get three. Mankind gets tagged in and Vince sets a world record for saying "mandible claw" the most times in five seconds (11 times). Bulldog gets backdropped and Mankind tags Vader. Vader does that thing where he kind of shoulderblocks, clotheslines, and lets his opponent run into him. He then goes up top and comes off -- into a Bulldog powerslam. Bulldog makes the tag and Owen comes in with a dropkick on Vader. Vader misses an ass-drop. Cross-body off the top by Owen gets a two-count. Vader nails him with some move and riles up the fans. Owen gets dumped to the floor, Vader follows -- and Vader and Mankind give Owen a Demolition Decapitation on the floor. Owen gets his throat dropped on the top rope and Mankind mauls him -- in front of Stu and Helen. Cue Lawler mockery of the Hart Family, which is always good. After some holds, Owen DDTs Mankind then tries a splash that gets ruined by Mankind's knees. Spinning heel kick by Owen gets a two-count. Vader gets tagged in and does Vader punches to Owen. Spinning heel kick by Owen, then more monster guy stuff by Vader. Mankind gets tagged and throws Owen to the floor. Mankind runs at Owen, but gets belly-to-bellied. Lawler makes fun of Stu and Helen again. In the ring, enziguri by Owen -- and the hot-tag to Bulldog. Bulldog takes apart Mankind and tosses him all over the place. Powerslam attempt by Bulldog, but Mankind applies the Mandible Claw. Bulldog and Mankind get knocked to the floor, where Mankind puts on the Mandible Claw again. He doesn't break it and we've got a double-countout at 16:06. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ***. Good solid tag match. Too bad about the ending, though.
We get a video package that recaps the Hart vs. Austin feud and pays close attention to Bret Hart being pissed off.
Submission Match (Guest Referee: Ken Shamrock)
Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Bret "The Hitman" Hart
Austin spears Hart to start and both guys roll around, punching each other. They roll to the floor and trade punches. Austin gets sent into the ringpost. Austin drops Bret crotch-first on the guardrail and clotheslines him into the crowd. They fight towards the hockey boards and Austin drops him on the top. WWF's doing some pissy crowd control here. They go above the boards and up the steps. Shamrock's basically the only security here, so it's hard to see what's going on. Austin sets Bret up for a piledriver, but Bret backdrops Austin (on the stairs?). They make their way back down to ice level and over the guardrail again -- to the ringside area. Hart gets whipped into the ringsteps and Austin comes off the apron with a clothesline. Austin tries to whack Bret with the steps, but Bret kicks him in the gut and puts the fists to him. Austin tosses Bret into the post and rolls him back in the ring. Back in the ring, Bret hits a neckbreaker and his second rope elbow. Bret goes to work on Austin's leg -- as only Bret Hart can -- by dropping elbows and stuff. But, you know, there is no quit in Steve Austin. The leg-work goes on for a bit, then Austin hits a Stunner. J.R. gives away the ending by saying that if one of these guys get knocked out, Shamrock's got to call for the bell. Bret regains control and does the figure-four around the ringpost thing. Bret grabs the ringbell, then a padded chair, which he trades for a non-padded one. Bret puts the chair on Austin's leg to Pillmanize him, but when he goes up top Austin slips out and whacks Bret with the chair. J.R. says he swang that chair "like Albert Belle." Now there's an out-of-date reference. Austin whacks Bret with the chair again. Damn, Austin's over huge -- as a fan favourite. Austin does some suplexes and shit, which are well-and-good, but don't actually do anything "submission-style." J.R. makes reference to the Old Bastards in WCW, which is funny. Austin applies the Boston Crab. Come on... nobody's given up to that since Rick Martel was alive. Bret gets to the ropes, which breaks the hold despite there being no DQs. Austin tries to apply a Sharpshooter, but Bret escapes. Bret gets sent to the floor and Austin's over huge -- as a heel now. Bret whips Austin into the rail, which knocks some faceless time-keeper table guy. Austin does a blade job. He's "bleeding perfusely." Bret beats Austin's head off the rail, ringsteps, and post. Back in the ring, Bret stomps and kicks away at Austin. Backbreaker by Bret, followed by the second rope elbow. Bret grabs the chair and beats on Austin's leg with it -- then goes for the Sharpshooter. Austin rakes his face, which prevents it. Bret punches Austin in the corner, which is ended by Austin kicking Bret in the balls. Austin's acting all frumpy and doing the mudhole stomp in the corner. Austin takes Bret up and superplexes him down. Bret gets tossed to the apron and Austin grabs an extension cord and chokes Bret with it. Bret picks up the ringbell and decks Austin with it. Bret locks in the Sharpshooter but Austin's shaking his head. From here we get the classic shot of the blood rushing down his head. Austin pushes Bret forward, temporarily breaking the hold. But Bret pushes back and Austin appears to be unconscious. Shammy asks him if he gives, but he ain't answering. He's old cold. Shammy calls for the bell and awards the win to Bret at 22:03. Post-match, Bret keeps picking on Austin, but Shamrock breaks it up. Austin gives one of the real referees a Stunner and exits on his own, without medical assistance. Bret gets a pretty nasty reaction on his way to the back. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: ****1/2. Great match. Great, great, GREAT match. But I'll be a jackass here and say "not as good as their Survivor Series match." Also, Submission Match is an iffy stipulation, seeing as how Cold Stone doesn't use any submission holds. But who am I to argue with Vince?
Pettengill interviews the Nation Of Domination. Bad idea, Vince. Bad idea.
Chicago Streetfight
The Nation Of Domination vs. Ahmed Johnson & The Legion Of Doom
PG-13 do their shitty rap song. Clarence Mason does his overacting. D'Lo Brown is one of the nameless suit-wearing NOD members. Crush and Savio Vega show that it's not a black power thing. And they're all bringing garbage. "One nation under Faarooq." The lack of reaction these guys get from the audience should be embarrassing. Ahmed has LOD shoulderpads and a 2 x 4. Hawk has a kitchen sink. Cute. Crush, Faarooq, and Savio go to the floor and the faces beat up the nameless guys. Clarence Mason gets decked by Ahmed. Faarooq beats on Animal with a nightstick. Ahmed does a "somersault plancha" (yeah right) over the guardrail on Crush. He get garbage can shots and lots of hosses wailing on each other. Hawk walks around with a 2 x 4. Animal tries piledriving Faarooq through the French Announce Table, but falls off. Lots of plunder shots. Savio wails on the faces with a garbage can. Animal sprays Faarooq with a fire extinguisher. That's gotta hurt. Crush fucking sucks and isn't doing anything. Savio gets a garbage can put on his head. The nameless guys haven't left, which confuses things. Faarooq gets bodyslammed through the French table in a really lame looking table bump. The fire extinguisher gets used again, which concerns J.R. Crush hasn't done a thing here. Savio raps a "rope" (read: "a string") around Ahmed's neck and Clarence Mason and "that other guy" (J.R. talk for "D'Lo Brown") hang him. This is chaos. Animal nails Faarooq with a cardboard road sign. Savio and Ahmed go over the guardrail. In the ring, Animal continues working over Faarooq with the bristol board. Faarooq then hangs Hawk with the string.. Nameless guys beat on Ahmed. Faarooq gets yanked off the second rope to the floor. Faarooq gets the string around his throat. Enough with the fucking string already. This is a clusterfuck. More extinguisher shit. Ahmed gives Faarooq a spinebuster, then goes for a Pearl River Plunge. The nameless guys break it up. Crush gets a Doomsday Device out of nowhere and Ahmed and Animal clothesline him with the 2 x 4 for the pin (???) by Hawk at 10:44. It looked fucking bad too. Post-match, the faces kick the hell out of the nameless guys and -- in a neat spot -- both PG-13 members get Doomsday Devices at the same time. "This man" (J.R. talk for "D'Lo Brown") gets a Pearl River Plunge and this shit winds to an end. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: **1/2. This started good, but progressively went downhill -- especially with the lame shit like the fire extinguisher and string. It's laughable how much the commentators oversell the "brutality" of this.
A promo video is shown for the next PPV. It's an In Your House or something. Following that, Lawler can't find his crown.
Shawn Michaels, who "has been the man at the last two Wrestlemanias" (key words being "has" and "been"), comes out to do guest commentary.
Pettengill talks to Sid. Sid does that intense whispering, which switches into hollering, and finishes with intense and cryptic whispering.
WWF Title Match
The Undertaker vs. Sycho Sid (champion)
When I think of the great matches that have taken place at Wrestlemania, this... isn't one of 'em. Sorry 'Taker. UT is back to his old outfit. Before the match starts, Bret Hart comes down to the ring and sasses Michaels. He calls him a "faker." He then lips UT and Sid. Sid powerbombs him and tells him to leave. UT punches Sid around and takes the early advantage. Michaels is seemingly a big UT fan. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Heck, I'm one. UT busts out the Old School Fistdrop. Stinger Splash by UT, but Sid catches him and bearhugs him. UT gets out, but Sid locks it on again. And again. UT runs into a Sid big boot and Sid pushes him to the floor. Sid pushes UT -- with his feet -- onto and over the Spanish Announce Table. He then drops UT on the rail and Shawn actually says "that's gonna leave a mark." Sid slams UT on the table, but it's not pre-cut and doesn't break. Vince tells us that this match is also "No Holds Barred." Back in the ring, Sid has the edge with punches, kicks, and a camel clutch. Sid breaks it and axehandles UT from the second rope. Sid tries some pinning chances but doesn't get anything. Neither does a big legdrop from Sid. UT does the huge clothesline thang. They fight to the floor and UT tosses Sid over the rail. Big punchy slugfest breaks out. Sid goes into the ringsteps hand-first. Shawn really loves UT. Back in, UT misses an elbow. Sid puts on a chinlock. Man... as much as Michaels loves UT, Vince loves Michaels a million times more. Some crappy stuff from Sid and he runs into a powerslam. UT applies a nerve-hold, but Sid fights back. UT catches Sid's foot, spins him around, and clotheslines him for a two-count. Some more Sid shittiness in the form of an axehandle. Basically, this match is shit when Sid's in control and "not awful" when UT's in charge. J.R. makes a jackass remark about UT not having a heart. Vince and Michaels shoot him down. UT battles back, but Sid slams him and goes up top (???). UT does his dead guy sit-up, punches Sid and crotches him. More punches by UT and he tosses Sid out of the corner. UT goes up top and comes off with a big clothesline for a two-count. UT sets Sid up for the tombstone, but Sid reverses and hits one of his own. He does the UT arms-crossing pin for a two-count, then tosses UT to the floor. They fight on the floor and Bret Hart runs in, nailing Sid with a chair a couple times. Vince calls Bret a "loser." Sid gets rammed back-first into the post and rolled back in. Inside the ring, a chokeslam by UT gets a two-count. Sid ducks (???) a flying clothesline. Or so Michaels says in defense of a blown move. Sid sets up for a powerbomb and Bret comes back, giving Sid a guillotine on the top rope. UT grabs Sid and tombstones him for the win and the title at 21:20. If I was a Snowflake type of guy, I'd give it: **1/2. As I said before, this match was OK when UT was controlling the flow and shitty when Sid was. The Bret Hart silliness was kind of unnecessary, but hey -- that's life. Not an awful match, but not up to "Wrestlemania main event" standards -- especially given the previous year's Ironman Match between Hart and Michaels.
One last In Your House promo video and we're out.
In conclusion...
If the main event was an OK match, but not up to "Wrestlemania Main Event" standards, you could argue that this pay-per-view was an OK show, but not up to Wrestlemania standards.
The in-ring action was good -- as in only one match sucked -- and the Bret Hart heel-turn, and Austin push were kicked into gear. However, aside from that, nothing really happened. The tag team elimination match was so-so and essentially just filler. The IC title match led to a Rocky Johnson run-in. The tag title match really had a non-ending and no rematch was ever given. The Streetfight didn't solve anything as the Ahmed vs. NOD feud continued much longer.
And as far as big stuff happening, the only notables were a title change, which was pretty predictable; and a great match between Hart and Austin, which can go down as their "second best" match.
Of course, this isn't to call it a bad show. If this was an In Your House or Ground Zero or another PPV from '97, it would be pretty good. But it wasn't another pay-per-view from '97. It was Wrestlemania. And in relation to others, it was a forgettable one.