Question: What did the policeman say to the condom? Answer: Cover me -- I'm goin' in!
Doctor to sexy female patient: What's the problem? She removes her shirt. Doctor sees backward letter "P" on her chest. Doc: What happened? She: My boyfriend and I made love last night. He wore a letter sweater. He goes to Princeton. His letter pressed in my chest. Is there anything you can do? Doctor gives her some salve to apply. Next patient comes in, takes off her shirt. There's a backward letter "B" on her chest. Doctor: What happened? She: Oh -- my boyfriend goes to Boston University. Next woman comes in, removes her shirt, there's a letter "M" on her chest. Doctor: Don't tell me -- you have a boyfriend who goes to the University of Maryland. She: No, but I have a girlfriend who goes to Wisconsin U.
Inexperienced Guy In Brothel: I've never done this, what do you suggest? Hooker: 69 is quite popular. They get in bed, she farts. She: Excuse me sir, are you alright? He: Yes. It happens 2 more times. He: We better stop, I can't take this 66 more times!
Little boys at school wonder, what's a penis? At home, Billy asks dad. Dad: (unzips fly) This is a penis, -- as a matter of fact, it's a perfect penis. Next day at school, Billy: (unzips) This is a penis -- & if it were 3 inches shorter, it'd be perfect!
On the way to his room, Billy sees Mom naked on her bed rubbing her body saying: I need a man, I need a man!! Again next day. Day after, Mom's in bed with a man who plugs away. Billy goes in his room, rubs his naked body: I need a bike, I need a bike!!
An 80 year old woman goes to her doctor. Woman: "Doctor, I'm afraid I have crabs!" He examines her. Doctor: "Lady you don't have crabs -- you just have a rotten cherry and fruit flies!"
Question: What's the definition of a 10? Answer: A 5 who swallows!
Did you hear about the woman who went fishing with 10 men? She came back with a red snapper!
Question: Why did God invent men? Answer: Because cucumbers don't have credit cards!
Question: Why did God invent women? Answer: Because sheep can't cook!
Question: "What two things in the air can get a woman pregnant?" Answer: "Her feet!"
Brian: "You have to tell me what you really want sexually so I may please you to the best of my ability." Woman: "It would please me if you got off of me."
Two women in suburbs leaning over fence in yards, talking. Husband arrives in car with 12 long stemmed roses. 1st Lady: Oh shit, now he's gonna expect me to lay on my back with my legs in the air all night! 2nd: Why, don't you have a vase?
Guy & girl about to make love 1st time. He takes off shoes, his toes are deformed. She: Oh my God, it's horrible -- what happened?! He: When I was a child, I had toe-lio. (removes pants) I had knee-sles. Removes underwear. She: I know -- small cox!
Question: "What's the difference between a bank account and your dick?" Answer: "The more you withdraw, the less interest you get!"
Question: "What's the similarity of math and sex?" Answer: "Add the beds, minus the clothes, divide the legs, and multiply!"
A really conceited guy is fucking this really conceited chick and she says, "Aren't I tight?" and he says, "No, just full."
Question: "Why did God make urine yellow and cum white?" Answer: "So men can tell if they're cumming or going!"
Question: "Why did God create the orgasm?" Answer: "So you'd know when to stop fucking!"
Question: What's worse than a lobster on your piano? Answer: Crabs on your organ!
Question: What's better than roses on your piano? Answer: Tulips (two lips) on your organ!
What's the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-tom? The pick-pocket snatches watches!
VISUAL JOKE. Question: "What's this?" (Stand with legs together, then move feet up and down slowly in place, heels remain on floor) Answer: "A b*** man taking off a condom."
Question: "What are the worst three words you can hear when you're making love?" Answer: "Honey, I'm home!"
Pollack goes into whorehouse. "I wanna get fucked." "Slip $50 under the door." He waits...and waits, then yells: "Hey! -- I said I wanna get fucked!" Voice behind door: "Again?!"
Question: "What's the difference between your dick and your paycheck?" Answer: "You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck."
Woman goes into the drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have double D batteries?" He replies, "Yes, come this way (motions with his finger). She: "If I could come this way, (motions with her finger) I wouldn't need the double D batteries!"
"What do you call 500 Indian women without nipples?" "The Indian-nippless 500!"
"Why don't debutantes go to gang bangs?" "Because they'd have to write too many thank you notes."
"What do you call a female virgin in West Virginia?" "A girl who can run faster than her brother."
"Rich reminds me of a tampon -- because he's white and surrounded by pussy."
"Why do Canadians like to do it doggie style?" "So they can both watch the hockey game."
"I'm developing a scientific process wherein I clone myself as a female. That way -- when people tell me to go fuck myself, I can do it!"
"I object to all this sex on television. I mean -- I keep falling off."
My girlfriend Barbara called and said "I want you to come over right away -- there's a new position I'd like to try with you." I went over there -- the position was filled!"
"The reason I'm so popular with women is because of my personal guarantee of 3 screaming orgasms -- I don't know what she's gonna do, but I scream!"
2 male friends in their 30's are playing golf during a mild rain. Since the weather doesn't appear to threatening, they decide to continue. Tragically, both are struck by lightning and killed instantly. They report to Saint Peter at the pearly gates for
admission into heaven. Saint Peter looks in his book and doesn't see their names on the list. Saint Peter: "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mistake! Your time wasn't up yet! Neither of you should be here now, you had quite a few more years to go. I'll tell you what -- as a consolation, I'll allow both of you to return to earth as whomever you wish!" The golf buddies huddle briefly, then return with their request. 1st Golf Buddy: "We'd like to return to earth as lesbians. Is that all right?" Saint Peter: (puzzled) "Yes, that would be all right, but why in heaven's name do you both want to be lesbians?" 2nd Golf Buddy: "Because we can still have all the pussy we want -- plus we'll be able to hit from the red tee's!"
Question: What do you call the womens LPGA? Answer: Dykes on spikes!
Two guys playing golf. Two women ahead of them are really slow. 1st guy: "I'll ask them to hurry up." He returns shortly. "Oh my God, I can't go down there -- that's my wife and my mistress. 2nd guy says "I'll go." 2nd guy (returns): "Small world."
Question: "What's the hardest thing about a sex change from a man to a woman?" Answer: Inserting the anchovies!"
"Why is making love like being in a snowstorm?" "Because you never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it's going to last."
3 homeless guys awaken from sleeping on a grate. 1st Guy: I had a horrible nightmare that somebody was yanking on my crank all night long! 3rd Guy: I had the same nightmare! Middle Guy: Not me, I had a wonderful dream that I was skiing in the Swiss Alps!
This is a visual joke. You need to conceal a handfull of feathers or shredded napkin in you left hand. "How can you tell when a man has oral sex with a chicken?" Then cough through your hand and blow the feathers everywhere.
Question: "How can you tell when you're girlfriend is getting too fat?" Answer: "When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo!"
Question: "What's the hardest part about eating fleas?" Answer: "Getting their little legs apart."
Two b**** women are on a tour bus out west. They're dressed in mini-skirts and fish net stockings. They admire two American Indian women on the bus who have high cheek-bones and long, beautiful black hair. They introduce themselves. 1st Indian woman: I'm a Navajo. 2nd Indian woman: I'm Arapaho. b**** woman: "Well, what a coincidence! I'm a Baltimore `ho' and my friend here is a Washington `ho'!"
Question: "What's the worst thing about being an atheist?" Answer: "Nobody to talk to when you're getting a blow job!"
Patient visits doctor. His jaw is stuck to his neck. Doctor examines him. Nothing wrong with his neck. Doctor tells guy to drop trousers for a thorough exam. He does and it turns out the patient has a two foot dick. Doctor: Well that's your problem, your dick is so long, it's pulling your neck down. We can fix that with an operation. I'll surgically remove a foot of your dick. The operation is a success, the patient's neck is fine afterward, but about a month later, he starts missing that extra foot of dick. He returns to the doctor and asks: Doc, can you put that extra foot of my dick back on? Doctor: (chin stuck to doctor's neck now) Nope -- no way, I'm sorry -- that's an irreversible operation!
Question: Which bird delivers babies? Answer: The Stork. Question: Which bird enforces birth control? Answer: The Swallow!
Question: What's the best form of birth control for people over 50? Answer: Total nudity!
Question: "What do you call a guy who buys generic rubbers?" Answer: "A cheap fucker!"
Customer: "I want to buy one condom." Pharmacist: "We only sell them in 6, 8, or 12 packs. 6 are for b**** people, everyday except Sunday. 8 are for Puerto Ricans, everyday and twice on Saturday. 12 are for J*** -- January, Febuary, March, April..."
Question: "What do Brooklyn and a pair of control-top pantyhose have in common? Answer: "Flatbush!"
A very inexperienced guy has a big date lined up Saturday night and he asks his friends what to do. As a lark, his friends tell him he should take the girl to a movie and buy some popcorn. Then when they get in the dark theatre, he should unzip his pants and place the woman's had on his erect member. He gets all excited. "Really, that's all there is to it?" Saturday night comes and everything goes according to plan. But when the guy takes his date's hand to place her fingers around his member, she glares at him and says, "I have three words for you -- take me home!" The guy thinks to himself, "Oh boy, this is great! Now she wants me to come home with her!" He drives her home and lets her out of the car. On the way to the door of her house, the guy says, : "I have two words for you -- let go!!"
Question: "Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?" Answer: "Because its owner beats him all the time!"
Question: "Why is being a dick not all it's cracked up to be?" Answer: "First of all, you have a head, but no brains; there's a couple of nuts following you around all the time; your next door neighbor is an asshole; and your best friend is a cunt!"
Four doctors playing poker with special cards. 1st doctor: I have a tracheotomy. 2nd doctor: I have 2 appendoctemies. 3rd doctor: I have 3 lobotomies. 4th doctor: I have five enemas. 1st doctor: What's that?! 4th doctor: A royal flush!
Question: What is the ultimate in trust? Answer: Two cannibals having oral sex!
Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner? His wife gave him the cold shoulder!
"What did the egg say to the boiling water?" "You expect me to get hard in 3 minutes?, I just got laid this morning!"
Question: "Why are eggs so frustrated?" Answer: "Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard!"
Son to Dad: "Dad, what's the difference between fantasy & reality?" Dad: "Well son, allow me to demonstrate." Dad to wife: "Honey, would you go to bed with a man for a million dollars?" Wife: "Yes." Dad asks daughter same. Daughter: "Yes." Dad to son: "See?" Son: "No, I don't see how that demonstrates the theory, Dad." Dad: "Well son, in fantasy, we'd have a couple million dollars -- in reality, what we have are a couple of whores in this house!"
Woman of 23 to marry but knows nothing of sex. Father buys her "The Joy Of Sex" book. Honeymoon is a success. She: Dad, Thanks for the book. I knew everything except what are those two sacks at the base of penis? Dad: On me, those would be my hemmoroids!
Have you heard about the freak baby who was born with both male and female characteristics? It was born with both a penis and a brain!
Question: What is the French definition of a virgin? Answer: An ugly third grader!
Question: What does a French woman put behind her ears to attract men? Answer: Her feet!
Question: Why did the shepherd lead his flock to the edge of the cliff? Answer: So they'd push back harder!!
A couple who have been dating for a few weeks decide they will become intimate on a weekend trip to Williamsburg. Conversation as follows in the car on the way. She: "There's something I'd like to tell you before we make love. I have baby sized breasts and I'm very self-conscious about it." He: "Listen, honey -- I'm not worried or concerned about that. I'm much more interested in your mind and wonderful personality, than I am in just your body. I have a confession to make too. I have a baby sized penis." They arrive in Williamsburg and check into the motel. As they begin to disrobe, he removes his pants and she looks at him incredulously. She: "Oh, my god!! -- you call THAT a baby sized penis?!?!" He: "Yeah -- eight pounds, 6 ounces, 14 inches."
Question: What do you call it when you 69 in China? Answer: Two-can-chew!
Queation: What's the difference between like and love? Answer: Spit and swallow!
Question: What's the difference between spit and swallow? Answer: (place your hand behind the neck of the person you are telling the joke to, pull their head toward you) Oh, about fourty pounds of pressure!
A J***** couple marry and enjoy a wonderful honeymoon. On their first anniversary, the wife says to the husband, "I'd really like to do something special for you." Husband: "Gimmie a blowjob, that's what I want." Wife: "Oh no, honey. That's the one thing I cannot do -- you wouldn't respect me." The same conversation occurs on the couples 5th, 10th, and 20th anniversary. On their 25th wedding anniversary the husband still wants that blowjob. Wife: "You wouldn't respect me." Husband: "I'll respect you, I promise, just gimmie a blowjob!" She relents and does it. He loves it! His eyes roll back in his head as he comes in her mouth. Afterward, he lights a cigarette. The phone rings. He answers the phone. Husband: "Hello? Yeah, she's here -- (to wife) hey,: cocksucker -- it's for you!!"
Question: "What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?" Answer: Hold onto your nuts, you're about to get a helluva blow job!"
Question: What do Marilyn Chambers, Linda Lovelace, and the Bermuda Triangle have in common? Answer:They've all been known to swallow sea men. (semen)
Question: What's the definition of an overbite? Answer: When you're eating pussy and it starts tasting like shit!
Question: What's the difference between eating parsley and eating pussy? Answer: Nobody eats parsley.
Question: How does a french woman hold her liquor? Answer: "By the ears!" (licker)
Dale: "My wife is so tall!" "How tall is she?" Dale: "She's so tall -- I have to go UP on her!"
If God hadn't meant pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look so much like a taco!
(A man has to tell this joke) Question: "What has six legs and eats pussy?" Answer: "You, me, and Billy Jean King!" : Question: "Why is their a string on the end of a tampon?" Answer: "So you can floss after you eat!" : Question: "What do you call it when you're giving head to your Chinese girlfriend?" Answer: "Tongue chow!" : A fat woman visits her gynecologist. She gets into the stirrups. The doctor arrives, takes one look at her and yells, "It's a hole! -- it's a hole!" She: "Listen, doctor -- I know I'm a little overweight, but you don't have to embarrass me like that. You: didn't have to say that twice!" Doctor: "I didn't say it twice -- that was an echo!" : Question: What the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? Answer: One looks up the family tree, and the other looks up the family bush! : Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist? He could read lips. : Gynecologist examines woman. "You're fine, but one thing puzzles me -- it's this wax buildup in your navel." Woman: "That's because my husband likes to eat by candle light!" : 65 year old woman visits her gynecologist. "Doctor, I'm worried -- I've been bleeding excessively from the vagina lately." Doctor examines her, then asks: "When was the last time you had sex?" "1953." Doctor: "Lady, that's not blood, that's rust!" : Question: "What did the gynecologist find when he examined Brooke Shields?" Answer: "Michael Jackson's other glove!" : Girl dating a Gynecologist: "I wonder what he sees in me?" : Woman visits Gynecologist, puts her feet in the stirrups. "Before we begin this procedure, do you mind if I numb you?" he asks. "No" came the reply. He grabs both her ankles, leans forward. "Num, num, num, num..." : Oriental Gynecologist to homely female patient: "You have rike-a disease." Female Patient: "Rike-a disease?!?! What's that?" Gynecologist: "Your face look rike-a your ass!" : Wife: Honey, can you fix the car? Husband: Who do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench? She, later: Hon, will you fix the washing machine? He: Who do I look like, the Maytag repairman? Later, he feels guilty after coming home from work. He: I'm sorry honey, I'll : fix the car and washing machine. She: That's all right hon, I got our neighbor Bob to fix them. Husband: Did you pay him? She: I told him I'd either bake him a cake or give him a blow job. He: What kind of cake? She: Who do I look like -- Betty Crocker?!: Question: "What do you call a herd of mastubating cattle?" Answer: "Beef strokin'-off!" : John: "Homosexuality for me would be like eating beets for breakfast." : Man in bar on honeymoon, no sex with new wife because she's on her period. Bartender: "Well what about anal sex?" Man: "No, she has hemoroids." B: "Oral sex?" M: "No -- pyorrhea." B: "Why do you stay with her?" M: "She also has worms and I like to fish.": Question: How are Richard Pryor and Hot Lips Houlihan alike? Answer: They both have major burns (Major Burns) on their faces! : Question: How do you make a g** b*** stop crying? Answer: Stick a pacifier up his ass! : Question: Why are all the b***** mo