| Jersey Girl |
| copyright 1992 |
| This movie begs the question, if you were a rich jerkass yuppie (Dylan McDermott) who was trying to win back the affection of your trashy pinheaded ex-girlfriend from Jersey (Jami Gertz), would you purposely drive your Mercedes into a fire hydrant? Well, the answer is a surprising yes... you would drive your Mercedes into a fire hydrant to win back the affection of your trashy pinheaded ex-girlfriend from Jersey if you were a rich jerkass yuppie. This is the final two minutes of Jersey Girl. Oh wait, um, a belated Spoiler Alert! Sorry. I doubt you care. Anyway, if the ending is that retarded, I'm sure you're thinking the hour and a half leading up to this scene can't be nearly as terrible. You'd be as wrong as McDermott's choice to sport that Miami Vice/George Michael five o'clock shadow look for his entire career. This movie belongs on the short bus. It falters mainly in that the characters are not likeable. I wanted the movie to go the murder-suicide route, personally. You've got the Jersey girl who doesn't want to date a guido from the block. So she goes after this yuppie who treats her like shit. The relationship goes south, and is only redeemed when he gets fired, wrecks his Mercedes and basically becomes another guido from the block that the girl hated dating anyway. Either way, I really don't know what the hell the point of the movie was. The movie's badness is intensified by its soundtrack, which must have been compiled by a deaf person. The Jersey Girl theme is an abomination to what we refer to as music. The brilliant lyrics are as follows: "Sha la la la la la la la la la la la la Jersey Girrrrrrrrrrl sha la la la la la la la la la la la la ooooooooooooohhhhhh Jersey sha la la la la la la la la la Girrrrrrrrrrrrrl!" Beautiful, no? If the RIAA really wants to punish ten year olds for illegally downloading music, they should force them to purchase the Jersey Girl soundtrack. I can only assume there is an enormous underground vault full of Jersey Girl CD's and tape cassettes (remember those?!?!) that were never in danger of being sold to anyone. So what's my final verdict? I'd bang two out of the five chicks in this movie, and I'd use Preparation H to butter my toast before I'd ever sit through this again. 1 out of 5. Sha la la la la la la la la la la la Jersey Girl sucks. |
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