I FUCKING LOVE POLISH JOKES!!!!

Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators?
A. It chips their teeth.



Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water.


Q: Why did the Polak cross the road?
A: He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.



Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.



Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.



Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side?
A: So the cops can find the handles.



Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.



Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.



Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.



Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.



Q: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene?
A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest
Service.



Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland?
A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.



Q: Did you hear about the new automatic Polish parachutes?
A: They open on impact.



Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could
   not be used?
A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.



Q: Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door?
A: Dont laugh, it keeps the fish out.



Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash?
A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.



Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.



Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies?
A: The check's in your mouth, and I won't come in the mail.



Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.



Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses?
A: From chasing parked cars.



Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?



Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?
A: They forgot the recipe.



Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding
   night?
A: A new last name.


Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she
   was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's yours?"



Q: Why did the Polak sell his water skis?
A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.



Q: Why did the polack put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.



Q: What does a polish girl do after she sucks cock?
A: Spits out the feathers.



Polish kamikaze flew 48 successful missions.



Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town.




Did you hear about the latest Polish invention? It's a solar-powered
flashlight.



Did you hear about the tragedy in Poland? In Poland's largest shopping
mall, there was a terrible power outage. People were stuck on the
escalators for 4 hours.



Did you hear about the Polish family that froze to death outside a
theater? They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the Winter."



Did you hear about the Polish Admiral who wanted to be burried at sea
when he died? Five sailors died digging his grave.



Heard about the Polish hockey team? They all drowned in spring training.



Hear what the Poles did with all their gold medals? Went home and got
them bronzed.



Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the
usual suspects for a lineup; suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped
forward and screamed "That's her!!"



Did you hear about the Polish girl who tried to trade her menstrual
cycle in on a Honda?



The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that
would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a
Walleye and called it a Kowal. It grew to a nice size and reproduced
well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and
called it a Kowalski but they were so stupid they had to teach them
how to swim.




A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German
soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each
climing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree
where the English guy is, and shout, "We know you're up there; come
down."
	The English guy, thinking fast, says, "Twit, twit, twit..."
	The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next
tree where the French guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up
there; come down."
	The French guy, thinking fast, says, "Woo, woo, woo..."
	The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next
tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout, "We know you're up
there; come down."
	The Polish guy thinks for a while and then says, "Moo, moo,
moo..."



	Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a
Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe
says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
	The German responds, "I will take oil!"
	So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10
times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his
back, and he can hardly move.
	The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak, "What
do you want on your back?"
	"I will take nothing!" says the Polak, and he stands there
straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
	"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the
American.
	He responds, "I'll take the Polak!"




	This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took
off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!"
What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.
Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it
to his head. His wife started laughing.
	"Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!"




	A Polak, an American, and a German had a room full of dirty
tampons, and they decided to have a contest to see who could stay in
there the longest. First it was the American's turn. The other two
locked him in the room and waited. A week later, they heard him
whimpering and pounding on the door so they let him out.
	"That is the sickest smell I have ever endured!" cried the
American. "I couldn't stay in there another minute!"
	Next it was the German's turn. After a month he finally banged
on the door to be let out. "Oh God, that is the most putrid smell in
the world! I couldn't take it another minute!" he cried as he gasped
for breath.
	Finally it was the Polak's turn. They locked him in the room
and waited. A week went by, a month, a year. The German and American
heard nothing. Finally they began to worry, so they yelled through the
door, "You can come out now! You've won the contest by far!"
	To which the Polak yelled back, "No, not yet! I'm not done
eating the jelly donuts."



	A Polak went to a carpenter and said, "Can you build me a box
that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"
	"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose,
but what would you want a box like that for?"
	"Well, you see," said the Polak, "my neighbor moved away and
forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."



	A travelling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not
quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke...
	"Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?"
	"But I am Polish, my son."
	There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly ...
	"That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly."



	A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive.  He got an instructor
and started lessons.  The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the
plane and pull his rip cord.  The instructor then explained that he
himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down
together.  The Polak understood and was ready.

	The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane.  The
instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him.  The
Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for
a few seconds pulled the rip cord.  The instructor followed by jumping
from the plane.  The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute
did not open.  The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute
open, darted past the Polak.
	The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his
parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"



	An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the
Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind
towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years,
_but_ I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."
	The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.
	The Frenchman says, "I'll have five years' supply of brandy!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.
	The Polak says, "I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!"
His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his cigarettes.
	Five years later, the Germans come to release their
prisoners. First, they release the Englishman, who staggers out
totally drunk. Then, they release the Frenchman, who also rolls out
rather inebriated. Then, they release the Polak, who comes out and
says, "Has anyone got a light?"



	A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France.  There are
many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet
one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all
interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy
lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
	"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been
trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just
can't seem to get anywhere with them.  You're French.  You know these
women.  What do they *want*?"
	"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman.  "What
you do ees you go to zee store.  You buy a leetle bikini sweeming
suit.  You walk up and down zee beach.  You meet girl very qweekly
zees way."  "Wow! Thanks!" says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the
store.  He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back
to the beach.  He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck
with the ladies.
	So he goes back to the Frenchman.  "I'm sorry to bother you
again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I
*still* haven't been able to meet a girl."
	"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do.  You go
to zee store.  You buy potato.  You put potato in sweeming suit and
walk up and down zee beach.  You will meet girl very, very qweekly
zees way."
	"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the
potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach.
Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look
at him.  After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to
the Frenchman.
	"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and
I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing!  What more can I
do?"
	"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle
beet.  Why don't you try moving zee potato to the *front* of zee
sweeming suit?"