I FUCKING LOVE HOOKERS!!!

I finally lost my virginity this weekend at the tender age of 14 to a Dutch prostitute named Gertha. I went to Amsterdam this weekend to fill up on some GHB and heroine. Whilst sitting in an opium den watching my arm melt off the bone, I saw a gorgeous dame from across the room. She was about 150lbs., stunning red hair, and she smelled like feet. She came over to me and asked if I could spare a euro so she could make a phone call. All I had on me was a Netherlandic Guilder, so you can see my predicament. You see, the euro was launched on January 1st, 1999, as an electronic currency and became legal tender on January 1st, 2002. Twelve of the 15 EU countries (Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Belgium, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, Austria, Finland, Greece and Ireland) are members of the eurozone. On January 1st, 2002, euro cash replaces the old national currencies (i.e. the guilder of the Netherlands). To make a long story longer, I told her I would give her my guilder in exchange for some crack. She didn't have any crack, so she started playing with my weiner instead. 10 seconds later, after we cleaned up from the handjob, I was ready for another round, but I didn't have any more money on me. Being the quick thinker that I am, I stole some absinthe off of a goth dude who was passed out in his own feces. We went to the swingset and playground behind the opium den to drink our absinthe. Once we began to trip, she asked me if I would pleasure her, for free this time. I said, "No, I probably won't pleasure you, but I'd like to stick my weiner in you." She exposed her luminescent beef drapes and I went to town. She was as damp as a wine cellar. I even talked into her crevasse and I heard an echo. I don't know if it was because she was that loose or because she had other little children my age stuck up there. Anyways, before I finished up, I puked on her and punched her in the face. Finally, she made her phone call with a euro dollar she got from a dude she blew earlier that night, and she called the fucking police on me. Let me just set something straight here, the cops in Amsterdam have as much power as a Catholic at a KKK meeting. When the cops showed up, the slut started telling the police that I had assaulted her. I immediately interjected, telling the police that I was only 14 and she took advantage of her (earlier I told Gertha that I was a 35 year old Japanese investor named Steve Pants). So the cops ended up arresting her for soliciting to a minor, and then they punched her in the face too. I rode along in the cop car too because I told the cops I had some killer blow, and after detaining Gertha in prison, the two cops and I snorted a few lines and went to a cockfight. In retrospect, I hope all of my future sexual endeavors involve drugs, hookers, abuse, and cockfighting...in that order. Here are some pictures of the weekend for me to share with you...

There she is fellas, Gertha!! I'm not sure if this was before or after I punched her in the face because she wore a lot of eyeliner and it's hard to tell.

This is my friend Dmitri after his hooker just told him she had the clap. I think they are dating now.

Prostitute Rule #1: Never leave a hooker without a black eye.

Sawweeeet!

This hooker can't stand up straight because Dutch cops love anal sex in place of giving jaywalking violations.

Did you ever see the movie Blade? You know that really fat vampire that lives in the vampire archives or whatever? Well, this is the gaurdian or the prostitute archives. This doesn't make sense you say? I agree, nothing makes sense right now because I just ate some hashish brownies. You try being creative for once in your miserable lives. I fucking hate cats but not as much as I hate continuity in my website. Wesley Snipes is a douchebag.

What would you do if your mother was a hooker? My mom IS a god damn hooker. Gloatmiel says he has pictures to prove it. I think he's full of shit.

I swear I have them you piece of shit. However, you shall never see them because I gave them to my dad and now they are all stuck together for some reason. Haha, victory is mine you fucking cocksucker.

Did someone say "cocksucker?"

You sicken me mother.

Here's where all of the prostitutes go for plastic surgery. Get it? Because it's hardware....and they're hookers.

Yummm, hookers love their heroine. I found these junkie sluts underneath a bench in my trainyard. I gave them some of my smack and they took off their clothes for me. I had to give them more smack in order to get them to put their clothes back on.

This is what those in the business call an escort. An escort is usually a 16 - 18 year old who has ran away from their middle/upper class home in the surburbs to pursue an acting or singing career. They have no diseases yet, which is why they get top dollar for their tail. Fast forward 2 years and all escorts are either pornstars, strippers, insurance salesmen, or junkie whores (see above picture).

I suppose hooking runs in my family, because this is my grandmother, Hagatha. She was a concubine for Czar Nicholas II of Russia. She escaped to Poland, just in time for the Germans to invade the country. She made a lot bad decisions in her life, just look at my slut mom.

Now, Siggy. That's terrible. Don't disrespect your grandmother or I again. We have alot to be proud of, for instance: Your grandmother and I have so many STD's that the diseases actually started to kill eachother, which created a symbiotic environment inside of immune systems. Also, we both can swallow two Polish sausages at once.

Don't ever call me Siggy again or I'll punch you in the face.