Calamity and disaster! As soon as we print a story on the NotS about an ominous celestial omen, than we receive the news from the TOSA Temple that the jacuzzi is being taken offline!

Yes as hard as it may be to believe, the most popular feature of the temple, and the source of new Vapo-Buzz™* is being shut down.

Representatives of the TOSA Temple said that followers of the Sutra could still enjoy the pleasures of a jacuzzi by visiting one of the other High Council properties, but that the TOSA funpool needed repairs.
 

TOSA Temple Jacuzzi
OUT OF BOUNDS to all.

Jacuzzi's to be used still at High Council properties other than TOSA...

The temple jacuzzi has seen a lot of abuse in recent months, with TOSAn priests being flushed down it's pipes and more blueberry juice staining it's tiles than ever before.

The work being carried out on the jacuzzi is to last for four weeks and begins on the 1st June. During this time, the diving board on the upper floors is being declared out of bounds.

The Shrinemaster is said to be looking into ways of how to utilise the diving board while the jacuzzi is out of action, and one possible solution may be a bungee jumping spot.
 

Some young TOSAn initiates have already taken the intiative and emptied large containers of Buzz Juice into Mithril Lake and declared it open for business. What the possible damaging environmental consequences of this are remains to be seen, as Buzz Juice is known to have totally unpredictable effects on different lifeforms. We can only hope that the TOSA Temple isn't attacked by giant Sticklebacks in the coming months.

*The menthol vapour version of Buzz Juice that is released through the liquid contents of the jacuzzi developed by Dr Bliykk.

Story by Miss Syren
 

For the first time in a year, a new celebrity has been added to the list of quirky honourary TOSAns by the Shrinemaster.

Appearing regularly on world television on the popular yet zany antiques show "Bargain Hunt", the man known as 'The Duke' David Dickinson has made it to real fame.

We at NotS had the chance to ask David what he thought about the honour:

Nice Tux Duke!

Look at those teeth,
what Bobby Dazzlers!
 

"Well, what can I say Bargain Hunters... I'm flabbergasted. Did I want to win it? Of course I did! Ooh and look at this toga, what a bobby dazzler. And it didn't cost me a pretty penny either, it was cheap as chips!!!"

Previous Celebrity honorary TOSAns include Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails fame, and Elijah 'hairytoes' Wood of Lord of the Rings Trilogy fame. Know a celeb who could be 4th? Tell us.

A special antiques auction will be held at the House of Lurve in June to celebrate David's honourary membership of the priesthood, though sadly Mr. Dickinson won't be there to make an appearance. His agent informed us that he is shooting a new series of Bargain Hunt in West Sussex at that time, and any free periods he has will be spent beneath the sunbed.

We wish you well in your Sutra studies 'Duke', and we're off now to buy some Versace shirts and pin-stripe suits. You can currently view Bargain Hunt Live on BBC1 at 7pm weekdays, but for countries outside England check your TV listings. Trust us... it is on in many, many countries currently... honestly... the world has gone mad.

Story by Wynona Wildfire

Ever since the High Council announced funding for the construction of an artificial tropical island off the western coast of the TOSA Sands, expectation has been high.

The new island costing in the region of $259 billion, is set to be available for visitors from the first few days in June.
 

The designer of the island, Renish Tremas, spoke to NotS briefly of what visiting priests and priestesses can expect.

"Well quite simply, the island, which I have christened "The Idyll", will have all necessary amenities for a follower of the Sutra faith while retaining all the pleasure seeking faciltiies of a hedonist."

What does this mean in reality?

"There are enough apartments to cater for several parties of temple followers at once, and a dedicated staff set up on the island to run a food store, security, and maintain arrivals and departures. There is also a lighthouse keeper who protects passing ships from ploughing into the deadly rocks. You see we have thought carefully about health and safety on this island."

Is there anything here that isn't available back in the temples say?

"Oh yes, we are very excited about the installation of a virtual reality suite. The High Council were very gracious in allowing us to use the technology that they have gleaned from the crashed spaceship a couple of years back. You remember don't you? It was one of the Overlord's battle cruisers and when the first temple was obliterated it came crashing down to earth and made that huge impact crater on the other side of the River Taliesin. Very odd that, especially since the impact then made the ground ripple up into a volcano shape. No volcanoes on my island though, but it's guaranteed to get hot, hot, hot!"

Can visitors get in contact with home quickly should they need to?

"Oh certainly. We have a post office on the island, but there is also a council chamber for emergency meetings should the need arise. I have made sure that the High Council has made a map of the island available to all members on their website."

Renish Tremas will be signing books on sensual architecture at "Swifts Reads" in Bloomsbury next Thursday.

Story by Hank