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AUGUST 2002
FATHER INWEGO JONES LEAVES TOPS!
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Story by Studd Muffin, Editor and Pink Bunny Suit Owner | |
| In a bombshell at the
Temple of Passionate Seduction this week, the man who
many thought was the High Priest appointed by the High
Council revealed to the other members there that infact
he was merely a stand-in. In a major shock announcement
by the former High Priest of TOPS, he revealed that he
had been asked by the High Council to pretend to be the
High Priest but his main priority was to observe the
other members of the temple for potential long-term
candidates. Ofcourse,
it was NEVER going to be Ceridwen lmao! This week, Father Inwego reached his final decision by appointing Hidden Erotic Talents, the Graceful Shadow of Dark Desires and Archbishop of Anarchy to the title of TOPS Guardian. The responsibility was taken on by HET and no doubt he will be helped by the others present there, but the shock was obvious. Father Inwego Jones was not available for comment, having departed back to the High Council to debrief them before leaving for a long awaited and well earned holiday in a secret destination thought to be the Bahamas. |
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WICCA NOVICE AND BLAISE STILL UNACCOUNTED FOR...
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Story by Enigma | |
| In a recent attack on the
House of Lurve, specially built residence for the Holy
Cleric of Coitus 'Tymbaa', several high profile TOSAns
were involved in a fire-fight with an alien bounty hunter
going by the name of Auric Marius our sources reveal. The bounty hunter, apparently tracking mysterious young newcomer to TOSA 'Blaise Labouchere', followed him to the House of Lurve where Tymbaa, the young boys new protector it would seem, had hidden him away safely. The bounty hunter managed to escape despite the best efforts of the TOSAn priests and priestesses.The Wicca Novice [who is under Ceridwen's tutorship] managed to portal the young boy away to safety, though it is not known where either of them currently are. There is no doubt in our minds that this bounty hunter is still on the trail of young Mr. Labouchere, though we know not why. We urge all members to be extra vigilant at all times and report anything unusual at the TOSA Sanctum asap or to the Shrinemaster. |
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VAMPIRIC*
SQUIRRELS INFILTRATE HTOTW COMPOUND
much to the disgust of the inhabitants – EXCLUSIVE!!!!
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Story by Ralf Horris, resident rodentia reporter | |
| Squirrels of unknown
origin are alleged to have raided the HTOTW Compound this
last week, it has been revealed exclusively to the NotS. Captain Chuzzwazzer of the HTOTW Air Corps contacted NotS Towers two nights ago, claiming the band of eight-strong squirrels tried to bargain their way into the Compound with cheap tricks and a Trojan Hamster, which contained several editions of the latest PlayHamster™ Calendar, out-of-date stale popcorn and twenty Rodential Romance novels from publishers Cheep Thrills & Spoon. “Naturally, I was disgusted,” Chuzzwazzer said, “what with their big bushy tails... “They thought they could buy the Rodential Militia’s acceptance and loyalty with rubbish from the back of a lorry. I tried to stop them...Spouting nonsense about perils and whatnot. Well, it won’t work. It’s simply not tennis, and we’re having none of it. NONE OF IT!!” The squirrels apparently came on a serious mission from some place we don’t know about, with tidings we didn’t hear about, and Chuzzwazzer wasn’t telling us anything. But sources inside the Compound informed the NotS that newly promoted HTOTW Colonel and TOSAn priest, Hidden Erotic Talents, was seen admitting the squirrels into the Militia HQ, regardless of Chuzzwazzer’s protests. “He was looking a bit shifty,” one Private Mayhew reports. “He knows we don’t like squirrels, but he still let them in. But he’s a superior officer, even if he is new, and we’re supposed to trust his judgement.” The Admiral of HTOTW, Ceridwen ach Eryi, is known to be at TOSA at this time, and was unaware of the developments at the Compound until we told her via the NotS Palantír last night. “Well, Hamsters do not like squirrels,” she told us. “ It is a well-known fact. That Colonel HET met the squirrels is a piece of luck, for had it not been so, the Militia would have rendered them limb from limb, or staked and decapitated them. But HET invited them in, you say? That may not be such a wise decision. The place will reek of garlic.” By way of further explanation (because NotS gave the Admiral some funny looks), she had this to add: “Hamsters equate squirrels with vampires. It is a Rodential legend. But I can say no more. You had better speak to Torqhamstermada if you wish to know more.” So, with the thought of vampire squirrels rooted firmly in our gullible minds, we ventured out of NotS Towers, in search of the HTOTW Intelligence Operative, Torqhamstermada. When we found him, he was out of his head on Elderberry wine, and drooling a bit. But we endeavoured to get something of the truth out of him, as this is our hackly duty: “Ssssssssshhhii...Shquirrelshh?! Out! Out, I shay!! Damnable filthy creatshuresh! Take garlic with you wherever you go – they will shtop at nothing until the countryshide is riddled with death, disheash, and bloodthirshty rodentshhh!!!” At this point, the Hamster fell over on his backside, and we dismissed him as a non-credible witness to nothing in particular. With that, we returned to NotS Towers, feeling like we’d missed the point entirely, to sum up what we’d learnt. In short, we have learnt bugger all. We’re not sure why Hamsters hate squirrels so much. Maybe it’s the tails, like Captain Chuzzwazzer said. Tail Envy? It’s possible, and certainly more plausible than the Rodential legend regarding squirrel vampirism. Not that we have any idea what that’s about. And we wouldn’t want to. We’ve heard of rabbits doing that (think Bunnicula), but not squirrels. But it may be true...we just don’t know. But whatever the cause for the animosity, we will be keeping our beady little hack eyes on the HTOTW Compound in the coming months. IMPORTANT NOTICE: *Our solicitors tell us we can’t say that the squirrels are vampires. Apparently the squirrels in question could do us for libel if we say that. So, without a shadow of a doubt, with complete and utter conviction we do declare: SQUIRRELS ARE NOT VAMPIRES. ESPECIALLY NOT THE EIGHT LITTLE POINTY-TOOTHED CRITTERS CURRENTLY AT THE HTOTW COMPOUND. OH, NO. THEY ARE MOST DEFINITELY HERBIVORES, WITH NO INTENT ON GOING FOR ANYONE’S JUGULAR. NEVER, EVER, IN A MONTH OF SUNDAYS OR OTHERWISE. NO. SQUIRRELS ARE NOT VAMPIRES. YOU HEARD. SECOND IMPORTANT NOTICE Since writing the above, it has come to light that Captain Chuzzwazzer took an edition of the PlayHamster™ Calendar from the Squirrels, and ran away to let Colonel HET deal with the situation. HET was not available for comment. |
 The HTOTW Compound Captain Sable Chuzzwazzer: Squirrel
Hater A squirrel, yesterday Get out the garlic!! Torqhamstermada: Unreliable Source What really should happen to squirrels more often... |
GLAMGASM WORLD TOUR UPDATE
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Story by Bob the Beneficent, Personal Guru to the Glam King | |
| Glamgasm, known as TOSA's
famous instrumentalist and glam rock singer, the King of
the Rumbling Spires himself, has embarked on his latest
world tour to spread the word of the TOSA Sutra. The first stop in the 'Kings' world tour is Tahiti, and since he stepped off the plane onto Tahitian soil he has never been out of demand. Sales of Tymbaa Knickers in Tahiti have gone through the roof as the King has recently brought out his own 'label' of the exotic temple lingerie called 'Glam Knickers'. These sequined versions of the Tymbaa Knickers are selling at roughly 2 pairs to every original version right now and profits are being fed back into temple funds. If you find yourself in Tahiti anytime soon, be sure to catch his next gig at the Taha'a Pearl Resort & Spa located on Moto Tautau on the coral reef! Why not visit Bora Bora island while you're there? Reports indicate that not only are exports of Temple Lingerie going well, but we may have struck a deal with the Tahitian Government to have large deliveries of Coconuts shipped out to the temple for year-round supplies of Cocnut Juice! More on Glamgasm's World Tour next month. http://www.tahiti.com/ |
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APATHY VIRUS STRIKES DOWN HIGH PRIEST AND OTHERS!
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Story by Enigma | |
| An unusual virus has hit
the temple in recent days prompting bizarre suggestions
of a chemical attack from Dr. Bliykk or some such devious
inventor of dastardly devices. The Shrinemaster returned to the temple following his excursion to Freija's Sea Palace recently and retired to his Penthouse Suite only wishing to see the Paladin of Passion. Reports suggest that the entrance to Shrine's accommodation is locked and not much can be heard from within. Not only this, but other notable TOSAns such as Tymbaa have also reported feeling energy-less and lacking motivation to partake in normal temple activities. Professor Hamstein has apparently ruled out the effect of sunspots or lack of sexual activity as the cause for those involved. No doubt we will find out more in the days to come... http://home.earthlink.net/~adameft/blogger.html |
 Tymbaa [allegedly], earlier this week feeling apathetic, quoted as saying: "What's the use? All is lost." |
TOSA / NWN MODULE DEVELOPMENT SLOW SAYS AUTHOR.
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Story by Studd Muffin, Editor and Pink Bunny Suit Owner | |
| The recently revealed
'TOSA' game being developed by the Shrinemaster using
NeverWinter Night's very own inbuilt ToolSet for the PC
has gone back to the drawing board. Several screenshots were posted at the TOSA Sanctum but we have since learnt that this version of the game has been totally scrapped in favour for a more cohesive game with more of a defined plot. The characters in the game will remain the same, with some new notable additions we cannot yet reveal. Rumours suggest that the HTOTW will appear but instead of Hamsters it will be run by Halflings! In another change, instead of beginning at the entrance to the temple, the adventure now begins in the fictional Town of Staid. It appears that the finished game, if it ever reaches that stage, will take the form of you controlling your own destiny by seeking to find TOSA and become a disciple there, moving up through the ranks and discovering more about the mysterious attacks which keep occuring at the temple. A more detailed outline of the proposed storyline ideas, locations and characters involved will appear on NotS at a later date. The screenshots on the right are taken from the original draft version of the game, but we will bring you exclusive 'up-to-date' screenshots next month showing new locations and redesigned characters. Watch this space! |
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STICKITT INN HITS STICKY PATCH...
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Story by Dark Brown Trenchcoat | |
| Temple barkeep and all-round mud-wrestling fanatic Cerberus Sticx was recently sent to check out the viability of reopening the Stickitt Inn near the River Taliesin. Sadly, the red demon found that there was too much refurbishment and renovation needed to make it a viable venture at this time and the place has been boarded up. |  |
HI-JINX AT THE HIGH COUNCIL?
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Story by Dark Angel, European Correspondent | |
| Was Master TOSA really
seen at the temple in the past several weeks or was it
just a hoax? A man fitting the description of the leader
of the High Council was seen clambering down the side of
the TOSA Temple but has not been seen or heard from
since. This event occurred at the same time that a powerful many-tentacled black demon began to suck members into it's void-like abyss in the room of the Wicca Novice. Since the vanquishing of this demonic presence out to sea, the figure who had been seen on the exterior of the temple has mysteriously failed to materialize. If you come across anyone unusual fitting his description please report it immediately to a member of the priesthood or to the Shrinemaster. |
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JOINT RESCUE OPERATION GOES AHEAD AS SHRINEMASTER PULLS OUT
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Story by 'Sweet Banana Muffin', ex-Ruin Webzine | |
| Following his return from
Freija's Sea Palace, it emerges that the Shrinemaster has
sent several TOSAns on a rescue mission to recover an
ex-priestess of the temple. The rescue party, consisting of Curiosity of Celestial Charm and HET to name but two, have been teleported using magic rings to a location on the Northern most boundary of TOSA territory. These ruins that are located here are thought to be the location of a particularly irritating hell-daemon who has captured the former priestess who was known by the temple name of "Never Screwed A Pachyderm". We will update you as to the progress of these intrepid heroes as we have it. It is not yet known why the Shrinemaster did not accompany them and instead decided to return to the temple. |
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TOSA SeX-BoX HITS RECORD SALES FIGURES
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Story by The Whipstress, NotS very own recreational reporter... | |
| We brought you exclusive
news in previous NotS detailing the release of the
fantastic games machine known as the SeX-BoX developed by
our technicians at TOSA. Well we can now reveal that sales of the SeX-BoX have broken the million barrier world-wide. Unfortunately, there still exists a global press ban on the product instigated by the Getonefree Corporation currently being run by the chairman and corportate board in the absence of their owners. If you want your very own SeX-BoX then you'll have to acquire it via the usual black market channels or speak to the old man who runs the temple basement shoppe. He'll sort you out good and proper in no time. Look out for September's NotS coming soon, and DON'T FORGET, you can submit your own articles, pictures and NotS-related stuff using the email links at the top of this page! We WANT to hear from you! |
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