News of the Screws : DECEMBER 2002

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!

This is probably the hardest and scariest interview I have had the pleasure to conduct thus far!

Ah, the Shrinemaster. High Priest of TOSA. Near-God in the eyes of all TOSAns, the purveyor of fine Buzz Juice, and the man who is suspected to have ALL the answers. Well, that was what I was hoping at least, when I met up with the Mad Buddha himself...

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What all TOSAns reading this have to understand is I have a reputation to maintain when it comes down to this interview business. First and foremost, I must possess an arsenal of "hard-hitting" questions. Secondly, I need to take the interviewee to the first floor bar, and make them drink themselves into oblivion. This time round, I was convinced I had the former covered, but the latter - well, I had the sneaky feeling it was not going to be all that easy to get the Shrinemaster paralytic under a table somewhere, but I arranged for the interview to take place in the Temple Bar all the same...

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As ever, the following is a transcript of the recording I made during the interview...

TSM = the Shrinemaster

CaE = Ceridwen ach Eryi

* I arrive in the Temple Bar early enough to get a large bottle of Elven wine and two glasses. There is no escape from the alcohol for any of my interviewees! A few minutes later, the High Priest shows up, beating off a gaggle of TOSAn women. I smirk at the sight as I regard this as a big problem for Shriney. If he thinks of it as a problem is another matter...but such is the life of one in charge of a Temple of this nature - I expect he accepts it as part of the territory.

After the initial greeting, I pour the first two glasses for us, and we drink to many things over the next thirty minutes (before I have even started the interview...such is the intensity of Elven wine on humans!), then I get bored and decide Shriney is lubricated enough for me to begin the interview.*

CaE: So, I've been doing some reading up on you via the good ol' Bios pages. I have found more than a few interesting things, one of which is this:

In your pet hates section, you state you cannot stand "cardigans, tank tops & anoraks (especially in pastel shades)." You then also go on to say you cannot stand intolerance. Surely the unfounded hatred of pretty, fluffy, warm and practical clothing such as cardigans is a form of intolerance, not only upon the articles themselves, but on those who choose to wear said items? What about freedom of expression? Explain yourself, boyo. And make it good. *I grin, hoping to make him realise I am teasing him somewhat*

TSM: *he grins back* Yes indeed this is true I did say this, and yes I can’t stand intolerance. However, one of my pet hates is that I cannot ‘stand’ cardigans, tank tops and or anorkas no matter what I try. You see, I once had to put on an exhibition of unsexy clothing for some undergraduates at the High Council in my earlier days as a Bishop and no matter how much starch I used or scaffolding I just couldn’t make those clothes stand up, so eventually I gave in and used mannikins. So I apologise for any misconstrusion of the word ‘stand’ in that particular sentence. As far as intolerance goes, yes I cannot stand that. *He pauses for a moment.* Don’t get me wrong, I can tolerate anything unsexy, I just feel the need to make it sexy, just incase you were still thinking about the clothes. *He grins again*

CaE: *Persisting with my impression of a shark, I continue with my grin* Also in your bio, it says you are not sure on the women front, because of their "uncertainty," and as such are a potential threat. How? Is this not a mildly sexist viewpoint, even though you attempt to save yourself by saying we all want to get our own way. Two rash generalisations need expanding upon, I feel, especially when you don't seem all that certain yourself.

TSM: Did I say threat? Oh my, I really am quite useless at typing, I meant to write ‘treat’! Oh and we all want to get our own way, that is true, but the vast interwoven diversity of life cannot be summed up simply by that statement, indeed I still seek the answers being a follower of the TOSA Sutra myself. One day perhaps I shall attain true Sensual Awareness, but until then I shall continue to make mistakes as shall we all, be we mortal or immortal.

CaE: How did you feel when 'The Ruin' shut down? How much did it hurt? *I narrow my eyes fiendishly and the grin remains*

TSM: The selling of The Ruin, which as you know was a media publishing firm that has nothing to do with the Temple, was really a mistake. Indeed, that was partly where the feud with Byron began. One of my editors named Studd Muffin, [he looked a bit like Noddy Holder] accidentally sold the entire outfit to the Getonefree Corporation for just £30. Quite incredible. I sacked him on the spot but events that led on from that forced me into a complete rethink in my life, and it was then that I began to follow the teachings of the TOSA Sutra until the council gave me my very own temple to spread the word from. The only thing more valuable to me than the temple itself is the people who dwell in it and swear to protect it.

*We stop the interview for a few moments at this point to order another bottle of the wine. After another glass each has been consumed, and our respective glasses refilled, I continue:*

CaE: How safe do you really think the Temple is? Many times have we come up against nefarious foes in the past, and yet we still stand. How and why is that, do you think?

TSM: It is all down to the wonderful courage and commitment to upholding the values of TOSA that the followers of our holy Sutra show each and every waking day. We have made many enemies over our existence it is true, but these are just opportunities to turn those blinded to the true path towards the light which is our faith. They can then make up their own minds whether to change course or not. As you also know without doubt, we have made many, many more friends than enemies along the way and long may it continue.

The Getonefree Corporation have been repeatedly vanquished, the Donkey Mafia were made obsolete, the Cult of Dan was deemed too obscure to be of consequence, the Church of the Chainsaw fell before the might of TOSA and her allies, and the Christian Baptists too fell under the combined might of TOSA and the HTOTW alliance. In the end though, they all realised that seeking sensual awareness is the right thing to do, and it’s bloody good fun too!

*Feeling just a little playful, I decide to get to the bones of my previous question*

CaE: In the sad event the Temple collapses in on itself, what will you do? Will you try to start up a home for the TOSAn faith again, or seek pastures new?

TSM: This happened once only for the temple to be reborn from the ashes like a phoenix. If this was ever to occur again I am certain that it would once more rise from the ashes. But even the temple and it’s holy book the Sutra cannot live forever. All things must come to an end, but the spirit will live on and something else will take it’s place promoting the same values that we hold dear.

*And now for something completely different!*

CaE: Um, your bio has this quote about you: "Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right." It states this quote came from a 1972 film. Which one?

TSM: I’m not sure, having only been born in 1973.

*We laugh, although I am not entirely convinced - I suspect the Shrinemaster has some dark secrets concerning his leisure time he does not wish to divulge. And, quite frankly, I do not wish to know...So I change the subject, albeit very slightly - let us discuss urges!*

CaE: Do you sometimes get scared of all you've accomplished, contrasted with your (mostly) suppressed urges of destruction and what may be an obsession with being born again like the phoenix from the ashes? Or is it you just like masonry, like the HTOTW Rodential Militia?

TSM: Actually, I don’t like masonry as I prefer a 2-D medium than a 3-D, always got low grades for sculpture at school. *He sighs* I don’t actually feel that I personally have achieved a great deal, for it is the people in the temple who have made it all possible, I only act as a facilitator of the faith and the rest takes care of itself. We all have dark urges to destroy as it is part of the whole creation process and there is nothing wrong with that. Yes in our society and to create a harmonious environment those urges to destroy must be suppressed, but even in the ranks of our temple you must become a blasphemer at some stage in order to fully elevate oneself to the level of Enlightenment. True understanding lies within us all, for we are all the same.

*I nod, half-wondering how much of his words are due to the wine, half-knowing this is the core of his belief. To accept one is a small cog in a magnificent, immense wheel is a great acheivement in itself. I ponder momentarily - does the High Priest realise this? Perhaps he does, but at the minute, he is not saying. So again I change the subject*

CaE: Which parts of the TOSA Sutra do you like best? How long did it take you to write the parts you wrote?

TSM: I have no favourite passages in the TOSA Sutra. I find the prophecies quite poetic however, and like most prophecies they are open to multitudinous interpretations unless you are trained to look for the right signs. To most people they would be a tremendous read, to me they are both terrifying and glorious. Ah but what must come must come. As for the parts that I wrote, I completed these under meditation and have no idea how much time passed. I was kept in total isolation by the High Council. What I can tell you is that I had a rather full beard when I emerged. *He winks* And I so needed a good... *He smirks* shower.

CaE: What must come, must come. You are indeed wise, my friend! But let us talk about entertainment. What is your favourite record? Why?

TSM: My favourite record? I suppose it has to be "Far, far away" by Slade from the listings on the TOSA Album section of the homepage. It reminds me of all those TOSAns who joined our faith but are elsewhere right now, for whatever reasons. We still think of them and wish them well, and pray for their safety each time we meditate. From time to time they return, but yes, they will always be remembered. It’s nice to know that distance cannot divide isn’t it?

*Slade?! A favourite track by Slade?!! Who is Slade, anyway? Is he good? In my day, we made our own music under the stars at night, a beautiful time it was...I am not sure about your 'modern' music, human people, but I am well on my way with the fairies by this point, and so I let this drop, in favour of one of my own interests.*

CaE: Your true feelings on your DNA 'clone,' Sirius Temptation. Where is he now, and do you have his telephone number for me?

*The Shrinemaster grows quiet for moment, and then in subdued tone he replies* I do know of the whereabouts of the man you refer to as Sirius Temptation but I cannot reveal it to you, especially to you... It would be unfortunate. *He looks deep into my eyes searching for my response to this, but I know he is holding back. I only asked for contact details, what is so wrong with that?!!. I decide he is jealous, and so I scrap my 'proper' last question, (the admittedly inane, "What do you see yourself doing in ten years' time?") and go straight in for the kill.*

CaE: Finally, who would you most like to go to bed with out of all your TOSAn followers? *nudge nudge, wink wink, cheque's in the mail...*

TSM: Who?! Why ALL of you at the SAME time silly! Now THAT would be hell of a party!

*ALL of them?! You meant me, right, High Priest? Surely a mistake on his part - and I suppose he is a fair individual, who would not lower himself to having favourites, but I know he meant me.

We finish there, as we empty the fifth bottle of Elven wine. I had expected the High Priest to be under the table by now, but this was not the case. Amazingly, he managed to stagger out of the bar area unaided, his speech fairly coherent, and as far as I know, he disappeared off up to his penthouse suite for several hours. Was he alone? I have no idea, but I certainly was not with him! No, for I remained in the bar and set myself up in the corner, feeling quite sober, and in the mood for some people watching. I wonder if Sirius' number is in the TOSAn Directory?*

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Humans never cease to amaze me, none more so the Shrinemaster himself. He has many dazzling abilities (not least of which is his capacity for large amounts of Elven wine - one glass of which has been known to cause unconciousness in several humans!), but his greatest talent is argubly his understanding of the Fates, hence, "what must come, must come." Although one can shape one's own life to some extent, the obstacles and delights are a direct intervention of the Fates themselves. The Shrinemaster recognises this, but this does not make him hold back and let all flood his path indeterminately. He will take what he is given, and make it something glorious and worthy of a place in the Stars! To this, I can but bow down - he is a truely enlightened Master!

This was a hard interview, because I knew he would not reveal himself wholly to me, and although I tried several different methods to unwind his mind, he did not succomb. However, what I received was an intriguing insight into his life as the High Priest, but no telephone number for Sirius Temptaion. The former, excellent, the latter, a deliberate oversight on his part.

All praise the High Priest! Long may he reign! I personally suggest all TOSAns pay tribute to the Shrinemaster in a great event...Event suggestions to the NotS staff address as soon as you like!

PLEASE NOTE : This Interview will appear shortly on the homepage interviews section with images to accompany the interview with the Shrinemaster. Watch that space for future interviews by Ceridwen ach Eryi!