News of the Screws : NOVEMBER 2002

Radical changes to TOSA hierarchy!
Secret War Waged On Bouncedom?
HTOTW Story
TOSA Winter Games Planned...
New anti-TOSA rodent faction?

Uncovered: the Hamsters Against Hobbits Alliance
Access All Areas! Underground tunnels reopened
New dress code for followers of the Sutra
Auric Marius captured by the Shrinemaster - Blaise Labouchere out of hiding
Temple to benefit from new luxury item
Buzz Juice injections to be thing of the past?
Priesthood statues to be relocated
Where are they now? A look back at famous TOSAns from the past

Alarming rumours of a new anti-TOSA pressure group formed by a little-known splinter group of the HTOTW have reached the NotS offices.

The group known as Rodents Against The Shrinemaster are said to be angry at the lack of union rights for Hamsters epsecially in the face of such monumental masonry erecting feats as the rebuilding of the Temple Of Sensual Awareness.

A spokesrodent for R.A.T.S. squeaked to us that unless rodentkinds rights were acknowledged soon then there would be serious repercussions, such as the raiding of the temple larder and unsightly mouseholes in the temple decor.

We await an official temple response.

Details have emerged from the HTOTW Rodential Militia Compound of an anti-Hobbit faction. It is believed Torqhamstermada and Captain Chuzzwazzer have temporarily buried the hatchet between them, having united over their mutual dislike for all things Hobbit and forming another branch of the Militia specifically devoted to this 'cause.'

It all kicked off when they discovered the notorious Hobbit, Frodo Baggins, allegedly ate their Hamster friend and comrade, BiscuitBalls, for his second breakfast. Naturally, Chuzzwazzer and Torqhamstermada were shocked, angry, appalled and then angry some more. They have vowed revenge on the Hobbit and all of his kind for this heinous murder and started up the Hamsters Against Hobbits Alliance (HAHA).

However, we at the NotS know there are often a few sides to each story (if we may use the cliché - cheers!), so we decided to pursue the unfortunate Hobbit on a picnic outing of nine journalists (all of whom had mysteriously caught bad colds), on horseback whilst wearing fashionable hooded black cloaks we picked up from the Oxfam shop across the road from NotS Towers.

Mr Baggins tried to run away from us as soon as he saw us, which immediately aroused our suspicions. However when he was too knackered to run anymore, the little bugger fell over, and here we would've attempted the initial greeting (usually: "Hi! We're from the News of the Screws, and we were wondering if we could have a few words with you regarding [insert topic of your choice, dear reader], please?"), but all we could manage, as we gathered around him in a closing circle, was one big sniffle, the word "Bagginsss?" and then a few smaller aftersniffles. The Hobbit fainted with shock.

We decided at this point the little wuss could not have intentionally eaten BiscuitBalls, but we wanted a quote from him to prove it. This is what we got:

"...umpgh...howwzaaat! [we think]. Lacho calad, drego morn!"

We're still not sure about the first part of that, but we got our Elvish Pocket Translator (a piss-poor rival to the Pocket Elvish Translator) out, and the second part came out as: "We have flashlights, and we're not afraid to use them!"...Possibly. The old EPT's a bit wornout and the batteries are running out...Either way, it made no sense.

We'd like to extend our sympathies to the bereaved HAHA, but would respectfully ask that they withdraw their allegations on the grounds the Hobbit is clearly insane. And BiscuitBalls didn't get his name for nothing...

*Further news on the Anti-Hobbit HTOTW Faction as and when we get it!*

The HAHA Logo

One of the Staff

The accused, yesterday

For what seems like ages the tunnels beneath the Temple Of Sensual Awareness that linked it to all the other temples around the globe have been reopened as part of the Tourist Industry now springing up around the TOSA Temple.

Many abandoned tunnels were sectioned off and rebuilt into what is now known as the Domination Zone, home of the Mistress of Trash, but several key tunnels which led to the original sites of the first temples in Great Britain and Canada, not to mention Jamaica have remained open. Sadly, tunnels leading to temples in France, Germany and China have since collapsed through lack of use.

Payment to gain access to these tunnels can now be made via the official TOSA Tourist shop located near the front entrance to the temple via the temple driveway.

Souvenir brochures with a foreward by the Shrinemaster himself, and official commentary by the Cleric of Coitus of the main sights mean it's a wonderful gift to treasure and keep.

When interviewed, the Shrinemaster told NotS that there were no plans to use the tunnels now that they had access to portal technology and magic via former priest 'the Overlord' and current Paladin of Passion 'Ceridwen ach Eryi.'

Transparent Togas are to be a thing of the past come the New Year! That's the exciting yet surprising news from the official fashion gurus' of the TOSA High Council.

Since the inception of the TOSA Faith, the customary garb for budding priests and the priestly themself have been the Toga's which have become legend, changing hue and translucency dependant on the light of the room they are worn in.

Now it seems that a new design is on the way lending itself to more flexibilty with members of the temple for all manners of activity. Transparent TOGA's won't disappear altogether however, being kept for official functions and ambassadorial duties they will remain a symbol of Sensual Awareness for years to come.

Do you have a suggestion for an official 'everyday' outfit for members of our temple? Send them to NotS, even include a drawing if you have the time and they shall appear on our pages as we receive them! Send your entries to this link.

Good news in that temple disciple and student of Tymbaa, 'Blaise Labouchere', has been able to come out of hiding since the attempted kidnapping of him at the House of Lurve by an alien bounty hunter going by the name of Auric Marius several months ago.

The alien has not been seen in some while and it is now believed that Blaise is safe and out of danger. Nevertheless, the Shrinemaster has been in secret meetings with the High Council of late, and has even been rumoured to have travelled to see deep-space allies at StoneFleet to gather information on the threats posed to TOSA from other regions of the galaxy.

One of the Christmas presents that the Shrinemaster is to donate to the temple this year has been revealed as an ACME Giant Bread-making Machine!

Incredulous as this might sound, the machine will create all manners of dough based foods, and the output will be spread into the community at large, with much being passed on to the HTOTW troops and farming communities in the wider territories.

One notable side-effect [or plus point of this machine], is that as a by-product the enzymes create potent alcoholic residues which are siphoned off and will be processed by Cerberus Sticx, official Temple barman for use at the New Years party and beyond.

Buzz-Juice injections are a thing of the past as technology catches up with tradition. Thanks to one of the latest inventions by Professor Hamstein's laboratory staff sited in the temple basement, the pheromone-enhanced buzz juice given to all new temple members surreptitiously and then for the rest of their time in the temple can now be secreted into the waters of the jacuzzi and inhaled throughout the day as the top layer of liquid evaporates into the temple atmosphere.

This new method of menthol-brainwashing is a pioneering step forward into introducing the higher levels of Sensual Awareness and Enlightenment to initiates as they walk through the temple doors. There are no plans to introduce the substance into the world water supply yet however as this would go against Sutra commandments and be far too easy also.

News emanating from the HTOTW Compound is that the Shrinemaster is requiring the crack rodentia troops to once again take up their masonry tools and come to the temple to do a bit of renovation.

This time the rebuilding is not so massive as the restructuring of the entire temple, but rather the relocation of the statues of TOSAn heroes currently standing in the temple gardens.

Apparently, the Shrinemaster wishes these to be moved to join the statues currently standing either side of the temple driveway, and to stretch all the way along the 10 mile road which leads to the temple itself. As new statues are commissioned they will ultimately join the others there.

It is assumed that this is as a result of the recent increase in the number of sightseers and tourists to the architectural marvel which is the Temple Of Sensual Awareness.