Church Minister: Ladies and gentlemen I’d like to take this time to welcome a man to come up and share what he has prepared for us this morning…this is the VERY first time that this man has EVER spoken in front of this church, even though he has been going here for almost five years now. Would you please welcome to the stand…Shawn…Michaels!

The sounds of clapping fill the ears as Shawn squeezes his wife’s hand one more time, gets a kiss on the cheek, before getting the courage to walk up the small set of steps to the pulpit, waving to the people of the church along the way. Shawn takes a stand at the podium that is draped in velvet, takes a moment to organize his papers one final time and then…oh, wait…out of his pocket he pulls a pair of reading glasses, before speaking to the packed church members in attendance today. The clapping slowly fades out.

Shawn Michaels: Thank you…thank you all. I requested this time here today to share with you all some of my life experiences that have turned me into the man I’ve become today. Through my whole life I wandered aimlessly, searching of a missing piece of the puzzle that was Shawn Michaels…for years I could never find it. But then one day…in which I consider the greatest day of my life…I found the one man I’ve always needed, and always wanted…and he was sitting right in front of me the entire time. That man ladies and gentlemen…is God.

Shawn gives the cheesy look up to the sky for a moment.

Shawn Michaels: After I found God…after I accepted Jesus Christ as my saviour, I realized that he was always there for me…no matter what the situation was, or how I felt about myself or what I had done. I accepted all as you as not only my friends…but also my family members. Now I know…I’m not perfect…I’m not even close…but I just thank the good Lord every morning I wake up, that he’s given me another day on this great earth to spend with my beautiful wife, my darling kids…and all of you.

Sighs and small claps of approval are heard in the large audience. The old people in the crowd, - which are over half the people in the church – even break out the odd handkerchief and dab their eyes after Shawn’s words. He merely just holds up his hand as an “I know”, gesture. Shawn looks like he has some tears building in his eyes.

Shawn Michaels: I know that when I’m in need…I now not only have God to rely on…but also all of you. You have no idea how much the good Lord has helped me out over these past few years. Without him…who knows where I’d be right now. Sometimes we don’t appreciate the gifts God has given us in life…but I am forever in debt to him…and I will always be eternally thankful to him. I know that in my life I have sinned…but even though I regret some of the things I have done…I know that no matter what…when the time comes…God will take me into heaven because I have accepted him, and I know him as my father…just like all of us do. There is absolutely nothing nobody could do or say to make me rethink the path I’ve taken on this road of Christianity...this path that has become my life, my passion. Now if you could all please turn in your bibles to page…two twenty three, verse John 3:26…I’d like to share something with you all.

Shawn flips open his bible…searching for the page he just announced, as does every else. He smiles as he finds it, and clears his throat before reading his passage.

Shawn Michaels: And as God took his hand and begin to sooth the souls of his followers…he echoed words that can be heard to this very day…

Shawn takes a long pause, before giving a sly smirk towards the audience and removing his reading glasses.

Shawn Michaels: Everyone, everywhere who follows me…CAN ALL…JUST…SUCK IT!!!

God, I love me. Can you believe this people actually bought this whole routine? I give a crotch chop to all the old hags and morons in this audience that actually thought I was being sincere…idiots.

Shawn Michaels: My mistake, all you skanks and hoes…I mean ladies and gents…those were the words of…AITCH BEE KAY!! SHAWN MICHAELS!!! I cannot believe…I’ve put up with all this crap for FIVE goddamn years!! I swear to God…if it weren’t for Rebecca giving me a little action while I drove here each week…I would have left this dump a LOOOONG TIME AGO!!

Constantly gasps and screams keep coming from all of these people…they really thought the old Heartbreak Kid was gone for good? I give that smirk like only I can, and point to my wife who sits in shock.

Shawn Michaels: Becca’…you got something on your lip there…must not have wiped off your mouth after you finished.

Dumb bitch. Wait…there really is something on her face. Meh, probably saving it for later…after I dump her sorry ass, she’ll have something to remember me by.

Shawn Michaels: It’s about time all you old, wrinkly bastards, and bastardettes saw the really Shawn Michaels. You see…for the past five years, I’ve been wasting hours upon hours of my life here…listening to this asshole over here…about how God is so great and we should all worship his hippy ass…

I point to the priest who looks like he’s about to leave a surprise in his depends.

Shawn Michaels: Well I…AM SICK OF IT!! And I don’t mean sick like Steve over there, looking at his gay porno on a daily basis, while his wife is out getting nailed behind his back…

Everybody looks at some guy in the back…who knew there really was a guy named Steve here? But he’s not helping his case with his hand halfway down his pants.

Shawn Michaels: I’m talking like testicular cancer sick…like Dave over there…

Hah. Worked again.

Shawn Michaels: Now I know this may have come as a shock to you…but come on people…how can you sheep come here every GOD DAMN week and act like you enjoy all of this crap? It’s worse then watching a Lance Storm promo on why Canada is so great. As far as I’m concerned…

I turn to the left and point at a large wooden statue, Jesus nailed to the cross…that’s what I wanna do when I see a Storm promo…

Shawn Michaels: Jesus, God, Moses, Mary, and everybody else in the book of lies they call the “bible”…CAN SUCK…MY…

Damn those nXw censors. But the repeated crotch chops to the cross make up for it. I turn around and face the audience once again…it seems half of the old bags have fainted…still got it.

Shawn Michaels: Jesus don’t hold a candle…or a cross…to The Heartbreak Kid…Shawn Michaels.

???: SHAWWWWWN!

Uh oh…if that voice wasn’t so deep I’d swear I was having flashbacks of last night. But that voice is like…Chyna deep. Yeah…I shuddered too. Chyna had a penis, ask Hunter.

Jesus: HOW CAN YOU SAY THOSE THINGS AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU? I GAVE MY LIFE FOR YOU…I PAID FOR YOUR SINS!!

Today of all days…this is the one Jesus actually shows up. A door behind me flies open and out walks Jesus himself. Dressed in his white dress…or cloak, whatever…walking like a zombie?

Jesus: YOU MUST PAY FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE!! YOU WILL BE DAMMED STRAIGHT TO HELL!! WHERE YOU WILL BE FORCED TO WATCH “ONE NIGHT IN CHINA” EVERY…SINGLE…DAY!

Oh dear god…why can’t hell let up, anyway? Why couldn’t I just swallow tacks or screw broken beer bottle glass instead? It’s just then when Jesus is a few feet away from me that his beard falls off…

Shawn Michaels: God damn it Billy…we were on pace for an Oscar moment.

Billy Gunn: Sorry, Shawn…

Billy fixes his fake beard, put it’s too late…these people know he’s not Jesus. I just shrug and he hops down into the aisle, walking up to a group of old hags who are still conscious…

Billy Gunn: I…JESUS…DEMAND THAT ALL OF YOU…JUST LIKE SHAWN MICHAELS SAID…WHO IS YOUR OWN PERSONAL JESUS…DEMAND THAT YOU ALL…

Now…if you’ve never seen a guy who’s dressed up like Jesus Christ, give a crotch chop to a bunch of eighty year old women…you just haven’t lived yet my friends. Scratch the conscious part by the way. Billy…I mean Jesus, rejoins me up at the podium. I rip off my suit jacket and my clip on tie…yeah, I said clip on…then I put Hulk Hogan to shame by tearing off my white shirt revealing a classic DX t-shirt. The other Outlaw, the one with the weird hair…Road Dogg, that’s it, also comes out and joins us.

Shawn Michaels: I think it’s safe to say…that the band…is back together!!

The lackeys laugh.

Road Dogg: NOW IF YOU AIN’T DOWN WITH THAT…WE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA…

D-Generation X: SUCK IT!!!

Jesus turns around and shows the crowd his “holy” ass…oh yeah…we’re back.

Triple H: WHO IS…THE ICON?!?

Shawn Michaels: ME!

Triple H: WHO IS…THE SHOWSTOPPA’?!?

Shawn Michaels: ME!

Triple H: WHO IS…THE MAIN EVENT?!?

Shawn Michaels: ME!

I pause the tape…I’ve seen all I’ve needed to see.

The camera focuses back on me…how can they resist? I sit in a dark room with the only light source being that of the T.V. I lean forward in my chair, revealing the same DX t-shirt I was shown wearing moments ago.

Shawn Michaels: You knew it then…and you still know it now. But…not only have you known it your entire life…the rest of the world has known it…and, yeah…your cheap ass victories don’t count against me. As far as HBK is concerned…without using your life partner you call a “sledgehammer”, you’ve never beaten me. But it figures, and I wouldn’t expect anything else from you…you know you don’t have the talent to just straight up compete with me…and you never will. Somebody saying you have the same ability as Shawn Michaels in that ring is like saying you actually have a fan base that weren’t bribed by you or Ric Flair…you know they’re lying, so why waste your time trying to prove them wrong?

I look back at the still picture that is on the T.V.

Shawn Michaels: Hunter…who can forget those years? The classic D-Generation X with The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels leading the way…you pulling up the rear with your giant nose in Chyna’s manly ass…and Rick Rude as the one man insurance policy. Believe me Trips…I haven’t forgotten those years…and I never will. That was when Aitch Bee Kay was at the top of his game, World Champion, European Champion…meanwhile, not only we you not on my level…you weren’t in my league. You weren’t on the same planet as me, you still aren’t, and never will be. Compared to you…I was the World Wrestling Federation, and you were some small time organization that was constantly crapped on by everyone who watched it and was a part of it. But everyone always said…Out of two best friends, how could one be so much better then the other? How could one be light years ahead of the other? Well it happened…while I skyrocketed pay per view buys and TV ratings; you latched yourself like a leech onto my success. But hey…I didn’t have a problem with that…once your usefulness ran its course I was gonna kick your ass to the curb anyway.

Think I’m kidding? Remember what I did to Marty Jannetty after he tried to latch himself onto my success? Everyone always knew I was that damn tag team, not that whiney bitch…I bet they’re still picking chips of glass from his skull.

Shawn Michaels: But then that over-tattooed nimrod, The Undertaker…put me on the shelf…before I even had the chance to see the look on your face when I kicked your head right off your jacked up steroid shoulders. But instead of continuing to dominate in the ring…I was forced to sit at home and endure the severe punishment of listening to people go on and on about how they found God…wah, wah, wah…I was getting the title of “God’s boy” by all the wrestling fans around the world who thought I was gone for good…something that you all should have known that The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels…would never accept a title that is that bogus, and worthless. I would have rather won the WCW World Championship instead.

Ouch, low blow. But they deserved it…come on…David Arquette? Did anybody see Ready 2 Rumble? That was on the same level of Gigli for suckiness.

Shawn Michaels: But I was forced to sit back and watch YOU Hunter…you become the new leader of D-Generation X, long before I was ready to hand it over to you. I was forced to watch you bring is grease balls like X-Pac…with hair straight from the deep fryer at McDonald’s. I made Billy and Road Dogg cool…you brought them down to YOUR level and made them into losers…just like you were. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again Hunter…I was DX; before DX was cool…I just let you come along for the ride. I was the one that revolutionized the business…screw all that “Extreme” crap, screw Paul Heyman and his talentless bunch of morons...if HBK was in ECW, they would have never went under. But I was selling out arenas all over the country while you were off talking about how you were the “Blue Blood”…so why would I lower myself to that crap? If it weren’t for Shawn Michaels, professional wrestling would have died off a long time ago. I single-handedly put MONDAY NIGHT RAW, ON THE MAP! If Shawn Michaels wasn’t headlining shows for the WWF…there would have never been a Monday Night Raw on cable television…and you all know it. I created the era that became known as “Attitude”, with help from no one but myself…not Triple H, not Chyna, not Rick Rude. You know how sick it made me watching you idiots attempt to run the show while I was on the shelf with a broken back? Something that doctor’s say you never fully recover from…but what do doctor’s know? I’ve been proving them and the rest of the world wrong for twenty years. But while I was gone, you decided to “step up”, and destroy the DX name. You repeatedly got your asses handed to you by “The Nation”, something you know that HBK would have never stood for…I would have slapped that stupid eyebrow right off The Rock’s face…and D’Lo Brown? Isn’t he working the drive thru somewhere now? Tough luck on that one Pac…but with Triple H as your leader…there was enough bad talent and lots of disappointing losses to go around for everyone. Face it Hunter…you’ve always been a follower, while I’ve always been a DOMINANT leader. All you ever lead DX to was constant failure…Evolution was so sick and tired of your crap they got away from you like a white woman gets away from a Kobe Bryant party…

Did I mention how much I love myself? Just checking…

Shawn Michaels: Every single time we’ve faced off…it’s been a war, I’m not questioning that. But I know that it kills you…that you just can seem it “kill” the ongoing legend, THE ICON, that is Shawn Michaels…once and for all. Well you couldn’t do it before, and you can’t do it now. I taught you EVERYTHING you know…I gave you the tools to become a star I MADE YOU a champion. But if you think for one second that the student will be able to overthrow the teacher…you must be getting some toxic fumes in that giant nose of yours. You’re no different then Marty Jannetty…after I put him through a window he thought he was gonna be a “hero”, a “big man” and take me out…wrong. I made him…you just I made YOU! I ran Marty out of the WWF…just like I’ll run you out of NXW. But you know me Trips…and I’ve always had a few tricks up my sleeve…and believe me…I may have taught you everything YOU KNOW…but I didn’t teach you everything I KNOW.

I laugh, God I can’t wait to break that huge beak come Zero Gravity.

Shawn Michaels: To be perfectly honest…I don’t where all this controversy between who was the better man between us came from…I can’t remember for one moment where you achieved anything I didn’t. Royal Rumble…been there, done that…even coming in as the NUMBER ONE entrant, I still beat everyone’s ass. You’re what? A hundred time World Heavyweight Champion? Big deal…I was winning World Titles while you were getting beat in five-second matches to a guy who wears women’s make-up and dresses like a cheerleader. All your World Title victories mean NOTHING…because I defeated the best…you just beat the local jobbers while I wasn’t around. If was there when you were quickly becoming a “break out” star, and the front runner to be the next World Champion…your dreams would have quickly been shattered due to some…Sweet…Chin Music. You got nothing on me Hunter…FIRST EVER…GRAND SLAM…something that was absolutely unheard of at the time…some five years later you followed in my footsteps and did it again, the second man to do it…second to me, like you’ve always been. I set the bar higher then anyone ever has in this company…and somehow, SOMEWAY…you’ve managed to pull yourself up. But it all comes crashing down for you once again Hunter…just like your marriage…just like your quad…because it’s not some second rate jackass your facing Hunter…your facing the man who is STILL the showstoppa’…STILL…the Icon…STILL…the man who’ll always be above you. No matter how hard you try, or how many syringes you go through…you’ll never be as good as me…you’ll never surpass me…BECAUSE THE HEARTBREAK KID, SHAWN MICHAELS…IS JUST THAT…DAMN…MUCH BETTER THEN YOU!!

I laugh again. You really think I’d use one of his crappy catchphrases? Come on…

Shawn Michaels: You know something Hunter…every time I see you, every time we come face to face…it’s always the same routine with you. I can’t beat you…I’m passed my prime…you’ve surpassed me further then I could ever imagine…blah, blah, blah. I know what your going to say before it even comes out of your mouth. But this time…this time when you and HBK dance ONE MORE TIME…maybe FOR THE LAST TIME…this time it’s special. Because I don’t have to wrestle you under the mat like I usually do…all I have to do is spill your blood on the canvas…that seems to come pretty easily for me, because every time I kick your ass you seem to leave the ring and head straight for an I.V…just like my women do. This match between you and I…it goes far beyond wanting to “end it”, once and for all…this more then pride, more then seeing who’s the best…this is about me…making you bleed, me…defeating you and then going on to become the FIRST EVER…New Xtreme Wrestling Heavyweight Champion…then after I do that…I’ll finish this once and for all, because just like the original D-Generation X, just like everything you’ve ever done, Hunter…your always secondary…while The Heartbreak Kid…he’s STILL…THE MAN! Just like I’ve always been…

I give a cocky smile to the camera and then rewind the tape a little bit…

Triple H: WHO IS…THE SHOWSTOPPA’?!?

Shawn Michaels: ME!

God, I love it…even ten years ago Hunter knew it…and now he’s gotta practice what he preached for all those years…Come Zero Gravity, he’ll help me prove to the world once again…that I am STILL…THE MAN.

So here I am sitting in my hotel suite, relaxing in style like only The Heartbreak Kid can…and yeah…the other two are here. I guess they couldn’t afford more then a Norman Bates style hotel and have decided to spend the day here. So I’m sitting back watching The Scorpion King…HAHAHA!! I couldn’t even say that with a straight face…like I’d watch anything with that loser in it. I heard me just played himself in “Be Cool.” Suddenly I get a knock at my door…I count the two lackeys and myself…who the hell could this be? I swear to god if this is X-Pac and he’s trying to join DX again…I’m sending his ass back to Hunter. I open the door expecting that non-shampoo using jerk off but instead I get somebody handing me a package. I sign some paper with my name as “HUGE Sh. Long”, screw that WCW jobber…I take the cardboard box and lay it on the bed.

Billy Gunn: Haha…more nude fan mail? I bet it’s that fat ugly chick again…

Shawn Michaels: Your mom said she’s done with that…

Billy Gunn: Shut up…It better not be pictures of her…that be worse then the time I saw her in the shower with the pool boy.

Yeah, insert awkward moment of silence here. Suddenly, Road Dogg grabs something off the box and begins jumping around like he just snorted a line of crack.

Road Dogg: YOU BOYS AIN’T GONNA BELIEVE THIS!! THIS PACKAGE IS FROM CHYNA!!

Oh god. I beat it’s a demo tape from her band…somebody better got get me an extra long q-tip.

Road Dogg: Addressed…to TRIPLE H!!!

I crack a smile…something I never do when Chyna is mentioned. Billy tears open the box and pulls out a videotape. On the front written on the white label is, “WITH ALL MY LOVE.” I don’t like the sound of that…nonetheless Billy runs over and puts it in the VCR.

Shawn Michaels: If this is that video with her an X-Pac…I’m kicking both your asses.

Road Dogg: Just chill dawg…it can’t be that bad…it’s only Chyna right?

Dawg? Does he know I’m not K-Kwick? And are we talking about the same Chyna? The Chyna who sold 10 seats to her first concert? The Chyna who has a bigger bulge in her pants then most of the locker room? Other then yours truly, of course. The tape begins rolling and at first all we get is a black screen then a big red heart moves across the screen, eventually coming to a stop in the middle where the words “THE FIRST NIGHT IN CHINA” appear. What happened next cannot even be described…there aren’t words for it…but the cameraman flies around, behind the TV, probably because he needs a place to puke. At first it was just Hunter kissing that man beast…now it’s like were watching Jenna Jameson and Anna Nicole go at it…only replace Jenna with a man and Anna Nicole with Triple H.

Billy Gunn: OH MY GOD!! THIS IS LIKE A TERRIBLE DREAM!!

Billy begins smashing his head against a table…too bad I didn’t get there first, but I’m still in shock.

Road Dogg: Are there any vomit bags on this flight?

I grab a pillow and repeatedly smash myself in the face with it…if I’m lucky I’ll go blind…but sadly I’m not deaf…

IT’S CAUGHT BETWEEN YOUR TEETH!! GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!!!

SORRWIE CHYNA!!

Please god, take me now. I don’t think I can take anymore of the animal and inhuman sounds that are coming from the TV…

AWWW!! I just go it all over my face!!

THAT WAS A PIMPLE YOU DUMB TWAT!!

No…no…I didn’t just hear that…there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home…

I can’t get it…

USE YOUR PINKY!!!

I don’t know what the worst part is…that I’m not deaf or blind…or that I can’t tell which voice is Hunter and which voice is Chyna…

TIME TO PULL YOUR DRESS OFF!!

YES CHYNA…

I get a glimpse and see Billy is passed out, head on the table…I hear Road Dogg violently vomiting in the bathroom…Triple H can have his win…someone just turn this off!!!

IS IT SERIOUSLY IN?!?

IN?!? YOU GOTTA STOP * beep * ALL THOSE RHINO’S AND BLUE WHALES!! NOT ONLY IS IT IN…

Alright something inside me tells me to break out of this comatose state I was in and suddenly the VCR and TV are in pieces on the ground…Thank, god. After taking a few moments to clam myself down, and throw up in what’ll be Billy’s pillowcase tonight…I get a great idea…I go through the pieces of the VCR and grab the tape. I put it back in the box, hopefully never to see it again and address it to NXW Headquarters. If they don’t decided which McMahon is running the show before Zero Gravity…the first one that watches this tape will never be heard from again. I’ll make sure this tape is played on every television in the country…while staying a safe distance away…near the earth’s core somewhere. Dear lord…I never wanna have sex again…Maybe I won’t be showing up in New Xtreme Wrestling after all…the mental scars would only become worse if I ever saw Hunter again. It seems like he’s not the only one that plays “The Game”…Chyna seems to have done a fine job at it by his standards. God…I gotta puke again.

Static..

Cut.. fade to black.