|| Record: 002 - 000 - 000 || Match: vs. Too Cool-Saturday Night Stroke || Roleplay #: 005
' I'm Too Cool, NOT YOU! '
[[ Static. ]]
[[ Fade up the SGW logo. ]]
You could say it was a big night for Kurt Angle last Saturday on Stroke. Not only did he put the sick, perverted freak Goldust in his rearview mirror by making him tap out to the Ankle Lock, he once again got the upper hand on the man that’s been a thorn in his side since day one in Solid Gold Wrestling, John Cena.
The night may have started out badly with Kurt’s two young protégés Colt Cabana and Joey Ryan losing due to Ryan tapping out to the Crippler Crossface, embarrassing his mentor in the process. Kurt however rectified the fatal error by booting the moustache man right outta Team Angle and out of SGW completely.
Then later in the night Kurt revealed to John that the two were to have a special stipulation added to their match at WrestleBrawl. Before he could finish Cena rudely interrupted the Olympic Hero and was soon after attacked by the FIVE newest members of Kurt’s Team Angle…THE SPIRIT SQUAD!
Kurt then told John that their match at WrestleBrawl would be one in which Kurt is very comfortable with, and has dominated his competition in…a submission match. Surely John Cena has bit off more then he can chew, and Kurt seems to be on a mission to dispose of the rap star and go on later in the night to become the number one contender to the SGW World Championship.
But this week Kurt must put his undefeated streak on the line and team up with his student of the game Colt Cabana to take on Too Cool, Scotty 2 Hotty and Grandmasta Sexay. Surely these two nimrods will not only have their asses handed to them Olympic style…but will be run out of Solid Gold Wrestling as well.
Our scene opens…well actually…our scene doesn’t open to anything. Our screen is blank, nothing but darkness. However, we can hear something that sounds like the springs on a mattress going up and down every couple of seconds, followed by voices. It sounds like somebody must be getting’ some…
Kurt Angle: Ouch…dang it Sable…I wanna do this slow…
Sable: That’s good to hear Kurt…most guys when they do it go as fast as they can and end up having to get off in like…two minutes.
Kurt Angle: TWO MINUTES?? I’ve had victory cries go longer then that…actually, forget I said that. I’ve never cried before, I’m a real man.
Sable: Uh…okay. Not so hard Kurt you’ll break something…
Thump…thump…thump…
Kurt Angle: Sorry. This is my first time…I guess you could say I’m a virgin. But unlike that movie I’m doing it waaaay before I’m forty!!
There’s a slight pause.
Sable: Really? A virgin?
Kurt Angle: Yeah…I almost did it once in High School at this girls house but she said it was too high in the air for her to get on…
Sable: Wow.
Kurt Angle: Yeah. Have you done it before?
Thump…thump…thump…
Sable: More times then I can count…
Kurt Angle: Yeah, Colt said you did it with like…the whole WWF locker room once.
Sable: Yeah but that was at a beach so I was really sore the next day.
Kurt Angle: I sure as HECK bet you were!
Thump…thump…
Sable: Alright Kurt…you gotta get off.
Kurt Angle: I can’t! I’ve gotta keep going for at least another forty-five minutes!
Sable: We don’t have that much time!
Kurt Angle: Aw shucks…alright…
The thumping slows…
Kurt Angle: Can we do this again?
Sable: Sure. If you beat Too Cool. Hell, we’ll do it every time you win in SGW.
Kurt Angle: What if I win the World Title?
She giggles.
Sable: Kurt, baby…if you win the World Title…we’ll do it ALL…NIGHT…LONG!
The thumping slows even more.
Kurt Angle: WOOOOOOO!! THAT JUST GAVE ME ALL THE MOTIVATION I NEEDED FOR WRESTLEBRAWL!!
The thumping stops totally and for a few seconds there’s just silence.
Kurt Angle: Alright, I’m all done. Man I might need a shower…
Sable: Me too…I’m covered in it…
Finally the scene opens up and we see that Kurt Angle has just been jumping up and down on the Spirit Squad’s trampoline. Judging by the constant movement of the scenery we can tell that we’re on the Angle Express we’ve seen in previous weeks. You sick freaks! Kurt grabs a towel and wipes the sweat off his forehead.
Sable: Well it’s been a good week so far Kurt. You beat the holy hell outta Goldust, and showed him who the REAL MAN is in Solid Gold.
Kurt Angle: Tell me about it…first I beat the guy who fondles himself more then Val Venis at an elementary school and New Jack gets fired in the same week?!? I really am the savior of this company!
Sable looks slightly disturbed but just ignores Kurt’s comments.
Sable: No more having to constantly look over your shoulder for the guy that is wanted in every state for nineteen different cases of murder.
Out of nowhere Colt Cabana sticks his head out from a doorway.
Colt Cabana: Twenty now. He just killed a cashier in a robbery.
Kurt Angle: Ha…he must be really desperate if he’s robbing convenience stores.
Cabana looks at Kurt stone faced.
Colt Cabana: Actually it was a Salvation Army.
Kurt sweats a little more, looking nervous for a moment before realizing New Jack is no longer a part of SGW and can’t be on the hunt for him.
Kurt Angle: Well…it sucks to be them I guess. I’d rather it be a big group of retarded kids rather then yours truly…Olympic Gold Medallist.
Sable: KURT!
He holds his hands up.
Kurt Angle: You’re right, that was unfair. I’d rather just have one or two retarded kids die rather then me.
She shakes her head, obviously that was not the answer she wanted, as Kurt is most likely going to be sued after this broadcast. He notices Sable’s displeasure.
Kurt Angle: Hey don’t judge me! I have a lot of retarded fans out there you know! In fact…to all my retarded fans watching around the world right now I’d just like to say…pay attention for a second, stop trying to hump that doorknob because it’s physically impossible, and listen to your hero. Stay in school, reading IS cool – especially if it’s my book, It’s True, It’s True, available in all your local bookstores around the country - don’t do drugs, and maybe you’ll get that missing chromosome back.
You can see Colt about to bust out in laughter as Kurt doesn’t see anything wrong with what he said. Meanwhile we can hear the lawsuits coming from miles away.
Colt Cabana: Hey Kurt…we got a big match this weekend.
Kurt looks puzzled.
Kurt Angle: No we don’t, we’re facing Too Cool.
Colt Cabana: Uh…yeah, I know. But still, the first time me and you are teaming together, it’s gonna be a big night.
Kurt Angle: Yeah well it’ll turn out a whole hell of a lot better then what happened to Team Angle last week. This time the leader of the Wolf pack is stepping into the ring…and I’m not just any wolf…I’m a WAREWOLF BABY! WOOOOOO! Too Cool are gonna invent a new dance on Saturday Night Stroke…it’s called the “I’m tapping like a little girl because my ankle’s about to be broken by Kurt Angle” dance!!
Colt Cabana: That sounds like a good one.
Kurt nods.
Kurt Angle: You better believe it! And after Too FOOLS do it…JOHN CENA’S gonna be doing it at WRESTLEBRAWL!!
Cabana laughs.
Colt Cabana: You know what Kurt…since you’ve been such a good mentor to me…
Kurt puts his hand on Cabana’s shoulder.
Kurt Angle: Please, Colt…I prefer unbeatable, amazing, incredible, fearless leader. But go on…
Colt Cabana: Yeah, what you said. Anyway, ever since you’ve been THAT for me I felt like I’ve needed to repay you.
Kurt Angle: What are you saying? You’re actually gonna WIN a singles match?
The smile vanishes off of Cabana’s face and the anger rises. The happy, go lucky Kurt just slaps him on the back.
Kurt Angle: Cheese and Uncle Ben’s rice!! Lighten up pal, I was only kiddin’!!
Cabana gives a fake laugh.
Kurt Angle: Soon enough, after you’ve gone through enough Kurt Angle training you’ll be like North Carolina’s only real champion, the Carolina Hurricanes. Unlike their other team the Panthers! Yeah…I’ll train you not to choke against an opponent who has no talent and hasn’t won the BIG ONE in over TWO DECADES!!
You can hear the fans in Charlotte booing from here.
Colt Cabana: Anyways, I was thinking maybe you should take the week off and let me go this one alone. You know, it’ll give you some extra rest going into your match against John Cena and I can really show you what a Pure Wrestling MESSIAH I really am!
Kurt nods approvingly.
Kurt Angle: No can do, pal.
Colt looks surprised with Kurt’s choice.
Colt Cabana: What? Why not? All you’d have to do is accompany me to the ring!
Kurt Angle: Yeah, well, it’d be different if you were facing two guys like…New Jack and his partner Charles Manson…
Cabana gulps at the thought.
Kurt Angle: But I just can’t let you do this by yourself.
Colt Cabana: But…why?
Kurt looks intense.
Kurt Angle: Because I HATE THOSE GUYS!
Sable speaks up.
Sable: Why do you hate them?
Kurt Angle: Why…? WHY?!? What’s to like about them?? First of all…Grandmaster LOSER is the son of Jerry Lawler!
Sable: …yeah, so?
Kurt Angle: Well…that guy wears a crown and he never even won King Of The Ring like ME!
Colt Cabana: He says he’s the King of Memphis…
Kurt Angle: I don’t care if he’s the King of France, he sucks! And his son is so embarrassed that Lawler’s his father that he doesn’t even use that last name! He uses TWO first names! Who the hell does he think he is? Spider Man??? Superman?? Well I tell you one thing…I’M the only superhero in Solid Gold!
Colt Cabana: You’re…Captain America?
Kurt hisses.
Kurt Angle: Please…I’M AN OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALLIST!
Cabana scratches his head.
Colt Cabana: What super powers does that give me?
Angle looks at Colt like he’s stupid for not knowing.
Kurt Angle: Uh…how about the power to KICK BUTT against every gosh darn superstar on the PLANET!!
Sable: Kurt, that’s just God given talent.
Kurt Angle: Come on Sable…God has NOTHING ON KURT ANGLE!! He’s never won a gold medal…and my catchphrase sure as heck beats his! It’s True has been on WAAAAY more t-shirts then “Let There Be Light!”
Colt Cabana: Alight then…I guess you can take care of Jerry’s kid and I’ll put a wrestling clinic on Scotty 2 Hotty…
Kurt Angle: OH NO!!!
Colt Cabana: What?
Kurt Angle: I’M BEATIN’ THE WORM OUTTA THAT GUY TOO!!
Colt Cabana: So who do I get?
Kurt thinks for a moment.
Kurt Angle: Rikishi?
Colt Cabana: HE’S NOT EVEN IN THE MATCH!
Kurt Angle: I know that…you’re in charge of going out and buying him some pants that’ll fit around his GIANT ass!
Cabana rolls his eyes.
Colt Cabana: Where the hell am I supposed to find those?
Kurt Angle: Heck if I know…I heard there’s a guy who’s name is Omar the Tent Maker…he makes Rikishi’s underwear, check with him.
Colt puts his hand against his forehead. Sable comes up from behind Kurt and wraps her arms around his chest.
Sable: So Kurt…how should we celebrate your victory last week and undefeated record in the most prestigious wrestling company on the planet?
Kurt Angle: LETS PAINT THE TOWN RED!! WOOOOO!
Colt Cabana: We could probably call New Jack and get the blood of some of his victims…
Kurt Angle: It was an expression.
Colt Cabana: Still.
Kurt Angle: NORTH CAROLINA BETTER BE READY…BECAUSE KURT ANGLE…THE LIFE OF THE PARTY AND ROLE MODEL FOR EVERY GAP TOOTHED HICK IN BOTH CAROLINA’S IS SHOWIN’ UP TONIGHT!
The bus speeds up and the scene cuts out momentarily.
Our scene opens once again to the classic club setting the lights are continuously flashing, with the loud booming base. We move outside to see Kurt Angle along with Colt Cabana and Sable. The line to get inside is barely moving and Kurt is not happy. 
Team Angle vs. Too Cool 