' I'm The Most Requested Man In America As Far As Sperm Bank Donation Goes. '
Kurt Role-Play Number:	009
Upcoming Match:	vs. 'Dr. Of Thugonomics' John Cena
Complete Career Record:	004 - 000 - 000
Out Wrestled:	Chris Jericho [x1] - Goldust [x1] - Too Cool [x1] - Samoa Joe [x1]

"The Only Olympic Gold Medallist In The History Of This Industry...Beat That Bucko!"

…July Thirtieth two thousand six… …the ultimate spectacle in the history of professional wrestling… …WRESTLEBRAWL II… Kurt Angle is a man of strict morals and principals. Ever since Kurt was born he’s had one goal, one life long dream, to dominate the wrestling industry – on both the amateur and professional circuits. Born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania Kurt complied one of the most impressive amateur wrestling records in the history of the sport. And after master his three I’s, intensity, integrity, and intelligence; Kurt went on to win an Olympic Gold Medal in the freestyle-wrestling event in his home country. After quickly switching gears and moving on to professional wrestling Kurt took the wrestling world by storm as a rookie, and in the coming months won both the WWF and WCW Heavyweight Championship Titles. Now there is only one piece of gold that means something to the American Hero…the ultimate prize in wrestling, the Solid Gold Wrestling: World Heavyweight Championship. Angle debuted on the scene with force, not only establishing himself as one of the top rising stars in Solid Gold, but also assembling a group of young kids to groom into the next generation of champions. But even though Kurt has yet to have his record tainted by a loss or a draw, it has not been a smooth easy ride. There’s one man who has been a thorn in Kurt Angle’s side since the moment he showed his face for the first time on SGW television, John Cena. Kurt has shown nothing but absolute hatred for John Cena and his bad boy persona. Angle has done everything in his power to rid himself and Solid Gold Wrestling of John Cena, but with after every beat down by Team Angle and the Spirit Squad, after every match Kurt has interrupted and forced John to lose…he keeps coming back for more. At Total Destruction Kurt Angle nearly broke John Cena’s ankle in two. And with each passing episode of Saturday Night Stroke Kurt Angle has beaten all of his opponents, while causing infinite headaches and frustration for the Doctor. Now at the biggest stage of them all, under Kurt Angle’s rules, John Cena must fight through the adversity one more time to beat Kurt Angle at his own game, where Kurt is the King…in a submission match. Kurt’s chance to beat his longtime enemy and push himself up the ladder in Solid Gold Wrestling with a chance to become number one contender to the World Heavyweight Championship is solely resting in the hands of the Olympic Gold Medallist. John Cena represents the people. He claims and is a fighting soldier, standing up and fighting for each member of his Chain Gang. Ever since debuting in Solid Gold John has quickly built up an impressive fan base, and has done everything in his power to go out to the ring and give the fans their hard earned moneys worth. John however has been side tracked on his rises up the ladder of SGW talent and search for championship title gold. John Cena sees Kurt Angle as a coward, a snake in the grass, willing to do anything and align himself with anyone to get what he wants – and he doesn’t like it. That’s why over four weeks ago John stepped up to Kurt Angle’s open challenge. Ever since that night it has been an on running game of one upping the other man. John’s hatred for Kurt Angle has already cost him a number of important victories, and he’s determined to end this feud with the Olympic Gold Medallist with him walking away the victor, and Kurt not walking away at all. Kurt Angle represents the more traditional side of wrestling. The mat oriented, technically sound game…while John is the new wave of professional wrestling with his brawling and fight anywhere, anytime mentality. And now it’ll all come to a head at the biggest stage of them all under Kurt Angle’s rules. Cena has openly admitted he’s at a disadvantage, but he has sworn to his Chain Gang that he never backs down from a fight, and this will be no different. However, even this may be Kurt’s game, the location of WrestleBrawl puts it on John Cena’s turf. John was born in raised in Massachusetts, and the Chain Gang is sure to be out in full force to support their hometown boy. This new school versus old school blood feud must end once and for all. Whether in be the ankle lock, the STFU or just beating their opponent into submission, it all ends at the biggest pay per view in SGW history. One mans time is up…one mans time to shine above the rest…is now. Kurt Angle versus. John Cena SUBMISSION MATCH Our scene opens up on a brisk summer day in West Newbury, Massachusetts. And yes you are correct…this is the hometown of Kurt Angle’s WrestleBrawl opponent, John Cena. However, we aren’t here today to visit with John’s family, or make fun his rapper friends…not at all. Kurt Angle is in this cesspool because he’s a real man’s man. He’s a role model, and come hell or high water, he’s not only just set on beating John Cena, he’s also got his eyes locked on the number one contendership to the SGW Championship and facing either The Canadian and current champion Lance Storm…or the crazy, deranged, sex addict Edge in August at Fallout. So our cameras breeze through Wes Newbury until we reach a newly built, fresh painted elementary school. Cars fill the parking lot, and both adults and children are seen everywhere. On the side of the school – painted in the all American colors of red, white and blue, we see a giant white stage that rises about ten or fifteen feet above the gathering audience. Behind the stage, there is a giant red sheet covering up something on the side of the school. We see some of the children breaking away from their parents and rushing to the massive playground, before we cut inside the school. We see Kurt Angle standing alongside his friend Colt Cabana and Sable, preparing for his upcoming speech. Colt Cabana: This is brilliant Kurt. Kurt Angle: Everything I do is brilliant Colt. Cabana blushes. Colt Cabana: Well yeah…but turning John Cena’s hometown AGAINST HIM?!? Only an Olympic Hero could think of a plan that perfect. Kurt Angle: Only an Olympic Hero could defeat every man on the Solid Gold Wrestling roster at the same time, in the same ring and become the number one contender… Colt Cabana: Yea…. Cabana stops in his tracks, seemingly in deep thought. Kurt notices this. Kurt Angle: Why so glum chum? Colt Cabana: It’s just…I’m in that rumble too. Kurt adjusts the collar on his shirt while looking into a mirror. Kurt Angle: Well duh, you’re on the roster. Colt Cabana: I know, but… Angle turns and looks at his protégé. Kurt Angle: But what? Colt Cabana: What if the battle royal comes down to me and you? You know, mentor versus student, Team Angle collides. It’d be bigger then the Mega Powers at SummerSlam 88. Colt Cabana…Kurt Angle…World Title shot on the line… Kurt puts a hand on Cabana’s shoulder and sighs. Kurt Angle: Colt…let me lay it out to you this way. WHEN I eliminate every guy I need to in order to win the rumble, and become the next guy in line to receive a title shot…I’ll do the noble thing, the AMERICAN HERO thing and after I defeat the World Champion at Fallout…you’ll be the first I give a title shot to, okay? Colt appears to be much happier, smiling from ear to ear. Colt Cabana: Kurt…it’d be an honor to help you win. Man, you’re so much cooler then my old friends! Kurt Angle: I’m cooler then everybody’s friends. Who were your old friends anyway? Colt Cabana: I had a midget friend, an albino friend and another friend who thought Lord Of The Rings was real… Kurt Angle: I wouldn’t wanna be friends with that Ace Steele guy either. Sable bursts out laughing. Sable: You had a midget friend? Colt Cabana: He preferred “vertically retarded” but whatever. He called me horse cock Johnson… Kurt looks confused and a little disturbed. Kurt Angle: What? Why? Sable: Probably because three and a half inches is pretty big to a midget. Sable laughs, Cabana turns red with embarrassment, and Kurt doesn’t seem to understand at all. Kurt Angle: Anyway, this is just another big step in Kurt Angle’s pole vault to the top of this industry. Colt Cabana: Damn right Kurt. Team Angle has been rolling ever since we kicked Joey Ryan to the curb. He was holding us back big time. Kurt Angle: I don’t think it was so much him as it was that horrible mustache. That thing would stop a sailboat at full speed in the ocean. Colt Cabana: What will the celebration be like if… Kurt looks at him coldly. Colt Cabana: I mean WHEN you win the Battle Royal Sunday night? Kurt smirks and cracks his neck side to side. Kurt Angle: Can you say…milk truck?!? WOOOOOOO!! AND CAKE!! MILK AND DAIRY PRODUCTS OF ALL KINDS!! WOOOOOO! A man sticks his head out of a doorway. Man: Kurt, the crowd is getting a little rowdy out there. You should get out there soon. The man disappears. Kurt Angle: Of course they’re rowdy, they’ve been promised a visit from the most IMPORTANT man in this country!! Heck, the most important man in the FREAKIN’ world!! I’m the ONLY hero and role model these worthless pieces of trash have left!! Sable: And after WrestleBrawl…you’ll be just one step away from becoming the most decorated athlete that this, or any other sport has seen. Kurt nods in agreement. Kurt Angle: Everybody thinks that this is IT for Solid Gold Wrestling. The biggest of the big, the grand daddy of ‘em all. A battle royal with the entire roster…well these clowns better wake up and realize that this is just another day at the office for Kurt Angle. It’s not like I haven’t beat each and every one of these guys before. And doing it all at the same time…well…maybe I’ll have to do some pre match stretches, but that’s all!! Colt Cabana: We’re the only two legitimate wrestlers on this damn roster. Scott Steiner’s a washed up has-been who hasn’t won a title in over five years and lets face it…if there’s a drug tester within a hundred miles of Boston Sunday night, The Big Bad Booty Daddy with the small nutty sacky won’t even show up. Kurt laughs. Kurt Angle: I’ve already beaten them all Colt, Triple H, The Rock, Stone Cold, Randy Orton, Chris Benoit…I’ve not only beaten them, but I’ve EMBARASSED them in the ring! I’ve wrestled circles around each and every one of them! Sable cuts in before the two can continue. Sable: As much as I’m enjoying this…Kurt…you gotta hit the stage. Some stupid, probably inbred kid just ate a worm out there… Kurt walks off in a huff. Kurt Angle: Damn your family Colt… Colt Cabana: Ha…what? Fade out. We reopen to the golden podium in the middle of the stage overlooking the crowd of hundreds of people gathered at this new school which their children will soon be attending. Sable is standing there; ready to introduce the Olympic Gold Medallist. Sable: Ladies and gentlemen…I give to you…the man who SINGLE HANDEDLY put this new school together with his own hard earned money…the man who Sunday night on pay per view will accomplish a rare feat in the professional wrestling business and defeat EVERY man in the entire company in the same night…my hero and yours…KURT…ANGLE! Kurt’s theme music hits over the PA system and out walks the Olympic Hero to light applause from the crowd, Sable, and from himself. Kurt gives a wave and a geeky smile to the crowd before taking his place at the podium. Kurt Angle: Ahem…GREETINGS to all my fans here in West Newbury!! Pretty much silence. Kurt Angle: Now I realize this being the hometown of John Cena…it may take a little while to win over the hearts of you people, but rest assured, that I Kurt Angle…Olympic Gold Medallist…am TEN TIMES the role model that guy could ever be! Still pretty much nothing from the crowd. Kurt Angle: You see folks, I took time out from my very busy and demanding schedule to not only join you all here today…but to unveil something to you that is this country, and obviously by counting the number of brain cells which appears to be dangerously low here…of course I’m talking about schools!! Not your average type of American…or Massachusetts school either. You’re won’t have to worry about your children going to school and being shot, stabbed, or just down right embarrassed by things such as swirlies and wedgies, the latter possibly being atomic…something John Cena will feel this Sunday night at WrestleBrawl, live on pay per view. I recommend to all of you to maintain your normal nighttime lifestyle that includes spending from six o’clock in the evening until six o’clock in the morning at some bar instead of with your families, but judging by the ugly scale in this crowd…who can blame you? I sure can’t. As you can tell the winning over the crowd isn’t going as planned at this moment. Kurt Angle: But I’ll make sure to carefully explain all of this to you people because I’m sure most of you didn’t even know there were grades past grades four and five. I’ve not just opened this school for your children just to show that I’m a better role model for his hometown kids then he could ever be…not at all. I’m showing you that unlike your beloved Red Sox…I’m not just a one hit wonder, and I don’t just do something for this country once every hundred years. And also…I Kurt Angle…role model across the globe for children…am certainly NOT best known for being the New York Yankees personal bitch! He gives that devilish grin to the angry crowd. Kurt Angle: I’m something that hasn’t been in this state for hundreds of years…a BORN WINNER! We here some boos in the crowd now. Kurt holds his gold medal up to the crowd. Kurt Angle: You see this? I didn’t win this just for me…it was ninety nine percent Kurt Angle, but the rest belongs to you!! Look but please don’t touch…I wouldn’t wanna have to put my hands on any one of you people…I can see the fungus growing on you from here! A man in the crowd yells out. Parent: WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER FORTY FIVE PERCENT?!? Kurt looks confused. Kurt Angle: Obviously that man never had the luxury to going to one of these… He points behind him to the school. Kurt Angle: But yeah!! I won this gold medal for you people!! I didn’t get it the “Boston” way and exchange it for a small supply crack or heroin! I earned this through using my three I’s, and also hard work and dedication…something your children will be taught here, instead of just learning from their parents, sitting on their butts at home and collect unemployment checks! The boos are coming in now. Kurt Angle: You people can’t boo me!!! I won a gold medal for this ENTIRE country!! I gave back to the community!! What has John Cena ever given you people in return for making him a star? The boos fade away and the people are left pondering Kurt’s comments. Kurt Angle: What did John Cena do to return the favor to you people? He never donated money, he never made any appearances…he made a FAKE rap video of this town!! He sure as FREAKIN’ HECK didn’t build a school for your children with his own two hands!! They seem like they don’t want to believe it…but maybe it’s the truth. Kurt Angle: John Cena’s more concerned with being the next Eminem then being the next SGW World Champion!! You think he would be a good representation of our company? Of the wrestling industry? If John were to become Solid Gold Wrestling’s champion we’d have rap concerts instead of matches!! It’d be anarchy!! And Kurt Angle…the original American Idol…WILL NOT stand for anarchy!! Colt Cabana appears on the side of the stage cheering and clapping his mentor. Kurt Angle: That’s why I’ve made it my personal mission to NOT take John Cena out of Solid Gold Wrestling… Everyone, including Cabana looks confused. You’d think with the hatred between the two Kurt would want to run Cena right out of SGW. Kurt Angle: No, you see I don’t want John out of SGW…I wanna put him on the shelf for a long…long time. I want the losers he calls the “chain gang” to tune into Saturday Night Stroke, and pay per view events, and not see their “fighter solider” in the ring, but rather watching him via satellite sitting in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes because he knows even though he’s under contract to Solid Gold…he’ll never be able to step in the ring again because Kurt Angle but took his wigger butt out for good!! He’ll have to eventually choose another career path, and seeing how his rap album sold…I say we can all cross that off the list of possibilities! Colt Cabana makes his way out to the middle of the stage and stands behind Kurt now. Kurt Angle: And since we all know how “The Marine” is going to be garbage, maybe I’ll help him get another acting role, and beat him so bad he’ll be able to get a starring role alongside Eugene in The Ringer 2 by just acting like himself! But enough about John Cena for now…lets talk about this school that I built with my hard earned paychecks! COLT!! Colt Cabana: Right here boss. Angle looks a little startled. Kurt Angle: Drop this big sheet so we can show these people what a real champion looks like. Cabana disappears momentarily. Kurt Angle: Ladies, gentlemen…and residents of West Newbury. They say a picture is worth a thousand words…unless it’s a picture of John Cena, then it’s only worth two…white trash. HOWEVER, this picture showcases a true champion. The same man who yelled out from the crowd yells out once again. Parent: YEAH!! GO PATRIOTS!!! Kurt shakes his head. Kurt Angle: No, not the New England Patriots. The man covering this wall does NOT lose to potato farmers from Indianapolis or have members who need to have a heart put in their bodies because it’s something they seriously lack… Kurt is obviously referring to the Patriots linebacker and their uninspired performance in this past years playoffs. Kurt Angle: I GIVE TO YOU…KURT ANGLE’S ELEMENTARY SCHOOL FOR THE DUMB KIDS IN WEST NEWBURY!!! The red sheet drops and we see a giant picture of Kurt Angle holding a glass of milk, textbooks under his arms, giving the big thumbs up with a geeky smile. The breathtaking painting doesn’t seem to impress the audience too much, and they even go as far as to boo Kurt once again. This time he can’t brush it off as easily as before. Kurt Angle: You do not boo an Olympic Gold Medallist! I'm the best in the world! I came here for you people! You don’t' boo me! Sensing the hostility, Colt Cabana rushes out onstage once again. Kurt Angle: Heck, I’m giving you the people the best gift you could ever get in this damn state! The gift of knowledge!! Have you ever heard yourselves talk in this state? It’s like your tongues are frozen and you have Down syndrome! Colt Cabana: You people need to show this man the respect he deserves!! Kurt Angle: I mean, gimmie a FREAKIN’ break!! You people aren’t the most intelligent state in the world, hell you aren’t even among the top forty-nine!! But…just like that old saying goes…two outta three ain’t bad, and if you stick with intensity and integrity, you’ll be just fine. A lot of the people from the crowd are leaving while Kurt is in the middle of his speech. He notices. Kurt Angle: HEY!! This isn’t some low-level comedy act like…like…DANE COOK!! The boos increase as Kurt trashes another Massachusetts boy. Kurt Angle: I don’t know what the code of conduct is in low IQ West Newbury…but in Pittsburgh we’re taught how to treat Olympic Heroes with respect!! We also use words that seem quite foreign to you people like “please” and “thank you” instead of just…”Hey cousin Mom…pass the plate of cow testicles.” Cabana seems to be the only one enjoying this right now. Kurt Angle: But I’ll have you people know that at this school there will be no rap music, no baggy clothing, no underwear showing, no big chains that have dollar signs on them, no crooked hats, and absolutely NO gold teeth of any sort!! Also formal greetings will be taught, these new age greetings like “What up dog” and references to crackers will also not be tolerated. Heck, this school is so great, I might even be able to convince Matt Hardy to lend me Matt Striker and let him be the principal!! We’re trying to teach these kids how to become successful, not how to dress in a way that says…”Hey, my goal in life is to sell crack on the streets to schoolchildren!” No sir!! Colt whispers something to his mentor. Kurt Angle: You’re right Colt I think that smell is Boston BO…oh, yeah. Kurt turns back to the dwindling audience. Kurt Angle: I’ve just been informed from my good friend and soon to be runner up in the Wrestlebrawl battle royal – with yours truly coming out victorious – that I must wrap this up and head off to an autograph signing. And despite what all the tourists I’ve run into other the past few days might say, much like one of my childhood heroes George Washington I cannot tell a lie and Your OLYMPIC HERO SAYS the only fun thing to do in Massachusetts is to pack up your bags…and get the heck outta here!! Even Kurt had to chuckle at that one. COME ON PEOPLE THAT WAS GOLD!! Kurt Angle: So, as much as I hate having to do this…and leave control of this school in the hands of you “locals”, Your Olympic Hero has prior commitments that mean a whole heck of a lot more then standing here and answering the questions of you people here that have the benefit of a full set of teeth…and white teeth at that!! Kurt waves to the hateful crowd. Kurt Angle: So I bid you people farewell…and who knows…maybe someday Jeff Jarrett hits his head against a coffee table, rendering him stupid and ignorant just like you…he may think it’s a good idea for Solid Gold Wrestling to stage a show here. And since I’ll be you’re World Champion at that time, I’m sure I’ll be dragged here once again…kicking and screaming the entire time. He finishes with his good byes. Kurt Angle: So long West Newbury!! May all of your future children be born with all their X and Y-chromosomes!! Kurt walks off the stage and we fade once again. The scene quickly reopens once again and the trio of Kurt Angle, Sable and Colt Cabana are walking out of the school, coming down the front steps. We listen in on their on going conversation… Kurt Angle: That’s a good question Sable…I guess if I could make anyone throughout the history of time tap out…it’d have to be Jesus. His look is so out dated and uncool!! He obviously lacked integrity. I on the other hand have more style then all of Hollywood!! I’ve even heard that teenage girls have been referring to me as “all that”, oh it’s true… Sable turns to him, confused. Sable: I asked you if you wanted me to drive to the autograph signing! Kurt Angle: Oh. Colt Cabana: I’ll drive…but I wish you hadn’t had fired that limo driver. Kurt stops in his tracks. Kurt Angle: HEY!! Nobody asks me whether I like breasts or thighs… Colt Cabana: I’m pretty sure he was talking about chicken. Kurt rolls his eyes. Kurt Angle: Whatever…he asked me to hold his bone…KURT ANGLE DOESN’T HOLD ANY GUYS BONE AND THAT’S THAT!! The trio continue walking to the car and suddenly Kurt is hit in the face with a dodge ball, sending him crashing to the ground, holding his face in pain. Kurt Angle: AHHHH!! COLT!!! I’VE BEEN HIT!!! GOLD MEDALLIST DOWN!!! GOLD MEDALLIST DOWN!!! SEND BACKUP!! The camera then shows a group of kids. None of who could be over the age of ten years old. Colt Cabana: Who the heck do you kids think you are?!? Do you know who this man is???? They laugh, and the one who seems to be the leader of the pack steps forward. Bully: That’s what you get for saying our town sucks! YOU SUCK KURT!! Kurt, still holding the side of his face, stands up and must be restrained by Sable and Cabana. Kurt Angle: LET ME AT HIM!!! NOBODY HITS ME IN THE FACE WITH THEIR BALLS!!! The kids laugh as Kurt attempts to calm himself down. Bully: We don’t wanna go to your stupid school!! Hesitantly, Kurt is released from the grasp of his friends, and steps forward. Kurt Angle: I’m sorry…did you say something? He raises a hand to his shoulder. Kurt Angle: You must be THIS TALL to talk to Kurt Angle! OOOOOHHHHHHH. The bully kid turns red. Bully: Oh yeah??? Well John Cena is gonna make you tap out!! Kurt laughs. Kurt Angle: Sorry pal, but none of the five moves of doom are submissions. And I’ll be A MONKEY’S UNCLE if I’m the first guy to tap out to the five-knuckle shuffle!! Bully: You suck at everything!! I could beat you at anything here!! Kurt Angle: Oh yeah kid?!? Well you may not know this but not only am I an Olympic Gold Medallist, I’ve also set records for being the most requested man in America as far as sperm bank donation goes…so you might even be my kid!! Yeah Kurt, that’ll scare him. Bully: What???? NO!! Kurt Angle: Oh, it’s true. Pick anything at this multi million dollar school that was built by the only REAL athlete in Solid Gold Wrestling and I’ll kick your butt at it kid! The bully thinks for a second. Bully: Alright…we’ll have since you seem to love monkey’s so much, we’ll do monkey bars! Kurt suddenly looks a little nervous. Kurt Angle: Are you kidding me?!? I haven’t done monkey bars in thirty years!! Well actually…I did them two weeks ago, but that was a coincidence!!! Bully: Oh…so I guess you’re…CHICKEN! Uh oh…Michael J. Fox in Back To The Future moment. Kurt Angle: Did you just call me a…chicken?? The kid nods. Kurt Angle: Hey buster! There are a lot of things I am…including being better then anybody in this town, but chicken is not one of them!! YOU’RE ON BUCKO!! Bully: You’re going down…I bet you won your Olympic Gold Medal at…sucking! Kurt rolls his eyes. Kurt Angle: Real funny kid. But let me tell you something…but I built this school, and I’m a man…and this is MY WORLD!! And you’re a BOY in a man’s world…and I love playing with boys!! Kurt smiles, not realizing how wrong that sounded. Colt Cabana: Kurt…I’d suggest you don’t say that around that kids parents, or a police officer. He thinks about it. Kurt Angle: Why…oh wait…DAMN IT!!! Lets just go do this so we can leave, okay!! Kurt walks away in a rage…this kid is pushing him over the edge. We reopen with both Kurt and the bully warming up in front of the monkey bars. There is a quite large group of kids getting ready to watch this. Kurt turns and discusses strategy with Sable and Colt. Sable: Kurt…is this REALLY necessary? Kurt Angle: You bet your sweet ass it is!! This kid thinks he can hit me in the face with his balls and trash talk me and get away with it?!? Nobody makes a fool out of Kurt Angle!!! I’m not John Cena!! I don’t get embarrassed by my opponents and lose matches on a weekly basis!! I’m a WINNER!! As far as I know this kid could be one of John’s relatives! And I gotta send that whole back of wannabes a message… Sable: But we really have to get to that autograph signing. Jeff is counting on you to promote WrestleBrawl! You could lose your job! He looks annoyed. Kurt Angle: Hey, I’ll be there, okay? I’d never let Jeff down…he’s the owner of this company…he could grant me a title shot…I’m not stupid Sable!! We take a moment to reflect on how crazy this is…most of you may object. Bully: Alright…lets do this! Kurt breaks away from the group and stands underneath one of the sets of monkey bars which are less then a foot apart from each other. Kurt doesn’t even have to stand on the uplift the bully has to, he can easily go across the bars without even having to fully extend his arms. Bully: Alright…it goes like this loser…first one to go all the way down and all the way back is the winner, ok loser? Kurt Angle: Watch who you’re callin’ a loser…my birth was planned by my parents…it wasn’t the result of a broken condom or a tube sock. The kid doesn’t get it. Bully: Shut up. And hey, no feet touching the ground butt munch!! Kurt Angle: Butt munch?? Who the heck are you? Edge and Christian? Bully: GO!!! The start catches Kurt off guard and he’s already behind. The kid seems to be doing this with ease, and we see Kurt is having a bit of trouble. The bully reaches the end and turns around to go back to the finish line…meanwhile Kurt isn’t even halfway down to the end. Closing in on sure victory the kid passes by Kurt and…OH MY GOD!! KURT JUST KICKED THE KID IN THE SHIN!! The kid goes to put his hands on his leg and releases his grip, falling to the ground. Kurt takes advantage, putting his feet on the ground and running to the end and back, making himself the winner!! The kid is nearly in tears as Kurt celebrates! Kurt Angle: I TOLD YOU NOBODY PUTS THEIR BALLS IN MY FACE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! WOOOOOOOOO! Bully: YOU CHEATED!! Kurt Angle: Hey…cheaters never cheat and liars never win…or something like that…AND I FREAKIN’ WON!! The kids are outraged and begin to advance on Kurt. Kurt Angle: Hey…what the heck are you kids doing??? I won fair and square! I…I…COLT START THE CAR!! Kurt turns and grabs Sable by the hand, running away with the kids in hot pursuit. We see a black car pull in front of the school and both Kurt and Sable jump in, escaping by the skin of their teeth. Whew. Kurt Angle: Hurry up Colt we gotta get to that autograph signing!! I’m not losing my job right before the biggest event of the century!! We see the car speeding down a country road. Sable: I think we’re lost. Kurt Angle: WHAT?!? Oh NO!!! I’m gonna get fired!! I won’t even get to give Jeff the mixed tape I made for him… Sable: Mixed tape? Kurt Angle: Yeah. Come on Sable, you can’t just let your boss retire without getting him a gift. Sable: What’d you put on the tape? Kurt Angle: Rap Is Crap. Sable: …and? Kurt Angle: That’s it. Sable: That’s IT?? One song?? Kurt Angle: No not just one… Sable: Oh. Kurt Angle: I put it on ten times. Sable: Why would you do that? Kurt Angle: Well, Jeff loves it…and he wrote it. He’s a countryman Sable…do you not remember Jarrett Takes The Wheel? I wish I could put that on a CD…it’d never leave the bus!! Sable: He didn’t write that. Kurt Angle: Yeah he did, in WCW. Colt Cabana: Curt Henning wrote that. Kurt Angle: Are you sure? Jeff wrote it while he was in the West Texas Rednecks. Colt Cabana: That was Mr. Perfect, and he’s dead. Kurt Angle: Yeah, that’s what I said…Jeff Jarrett. Wait…JEFF’S DEAD?!? OH MY GOD!! I bet it was Ric Flair wasn’t it???? That’s old fart couldn’t wait until WrestleBrawl and murdered Jeff!! I COULD TELL BY THE LOOK IN HIS LAZY EYE HE HAD IT OUT FOR JEFF!! HE DIDN’T WANT A MATCH; HE WANTED HIM KILLED IN HOT BLOOD!! I didn’t even get to say goodbye!!! So much for our duet of Jimmy Crack Corn. Colt Cabana: No Jeff’s still alive. Wait, you thought Mr. Perfect and Jeff Jarrett were the same person?? Kurt Angle: Well…yeah. Mr. Perfect always said…that’s perfect. Jeff always says Slapnuts. Sable: Those are two totally different phrases. Kurt Angle: Oh well, I’ll just make a new one with my theme music on it and maybe a dramatic reading of my personal biography. Cabana suddenly turns the car into a long, unpaved driveway. Colt Cabana: We’re here…I think. Sable sticks her head out and looks around. It looks like they’re on a farm. Sable: This can’t be it. Kurt climbs over he and out the door. Kurt Angle: Who cares, as long as I sign some autographs in the next hour I’ll still have a job tomorrow! And I’ll be DAMNED if I have to sell my Olympic Gold Medal to a guy for cardboard so I can use it to make a house! Kurt Angle doesn’t sleep on the streets! He walks towards the big barn. Kurt Angle: You guys stay here… He disappears from the view of the camera and Colt turns around and looks at Sable. Colt Cabana: So here we are…all…alone. She rolls her eyes. Colt looks at the clock in the dashboard. Colt Cabana: Wanna let me come back there and we can kill ten minutes? If you know what I mean… Sable: If you come back here…I’ll hurt you so bad…DOWN THERE…even Lita won’t sleep with you. Colt Cabana: I highly doubt that. The other day I caught her in the living room with her dog and… Sable: Stop…just stop. Fade away. We cut back to Kurt opening up the big door to the barn. He peeks inside. Kurt Angle: Whew… We see a group of about thirty-forty men sitting in rows, with one man standing in front of them behind a podium. Kurt walks in unnoticed until… Kurt Angle: HAVE NO FEAR!! YOU’RE OLYMPIC HERO HAS ARRIVED IN…this barn!! They all turn and look at Kurt…but something isn’t right. Kurt Angle: Sorry I’m late guys…I uh…my muffler caught a woman’s sundress on fire and I uh, had to go over and…be a human blanket and…that’s why I’m late. The leader speaks. Leader: No problem sir. We can always use more members… Kurt Angle: Members? You must mean of the book club or whatever…hey, nice costumes by the way. He’s referring to the all white the men are dressed in. Leader: BROTHERS!!! It’s time we rid the world of this…evil, once and for all. We’re stronger now then we have been for decades!! Hell, even just now we got ourselves a new member by the name of…your name son? Kurt scratches his head, confused. Why wouldn’t the guy who booked him for an autograph signing know his name? Kurt Angle: Uh…you don’t even know my name? He looks around. Kurt Angle: I’m Kurt Angle…Olympic Gold Medallist, but I’m sure MOST of my fans know my name…at least I hope they do. Kurt moves beside the man standing in front of the group. Leader: So, brother Kurt…how long have you hated this…DARK evil?? Kurt Angle: What? Leader: You know, these DEVIL CHILDREN. Kurt Angle: Oh………..what? Leader: When was the last time you had an encounter with one of these black magic monsters? Kurt looks like he might be starting to understand. Kurt Angle: Well…last week this idiot John Cena tried to get under my skin, but I showed him. They all raise their hands in the air, shocking Kurt momentarily. Leader: That’s so like them!! First they come over here and try and steal our land!!! And now they try and take over!!! Kurt Angle: I know…this guy thinks he runs Solid Gold, he hasn’t won anything since he stuck his nose in my business! They all raise their hands in the air, like some kind of cult. Leader: AMEN BROTHER!! ALWAYS WITH THE GOLD CHAINS AND TEETH!!! Angle is totally clueless. Kurt Angle: Well he doesn’t have any gold teeth…but he might after Sunday when I knock all his teeth down his FREAKIN’ throat!! WOOOOOOOOOOO! They applaud. Leader: You’re gonna rid the world of this one on Sunday? Kurt nods. Kurt Angle: Oh you betcha! I’m gonna give him the beating of his life!! Beat him all over Boston!! And then I’m gonna make him TAP OUT!!! I’m gonna snap his darn ankle in two…and then he’ll have to fall back on his rap career. Well John Cena is to rapping like…like…Paris Hilton is to being a virgin! OH IT’S TRUE!! They cheer again, it’s like Kurt’s becoming a God to them. Leader: ALWAYS WITH THE RAP MUSIC!! WE CALL IT JUNGLE MUSIC!! Kurt Angle: I know…I’d much rather listen to some Stevie Wonder while I’m taking a bubble bath!! I’M KURT FREAKIN’ ANGLE!! I DO WHATEVER THE HECK I WANT!!! They cheer some more. Leader: So how are you gonna kill this demon seed? Kurt Angle: I just told you…I’m gonna make him tap all night long!! Silence. Leader: But after you make him tap…are you gonna kill him by hanging him? That’s the preferred method. Kurt Angle: Huh? What are you people talking about? Leader: Then we should hang the body outside some black culture center to send a message… Kurt Angle: Uh…I was thinking just more like…win the match. No killing. Olympic Gold Medallists don’t condone killing. Unless of course you mean killing the competition at the 1996 Olympic Summer games…because if you are…I SHOULD BE THE MOST WANTED MAN IN AMERICA!! I’D BE A SERIAL KILLER! WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Kurt is making these people go wild. Leader: So, brother Angle…what do you say we go out there and kill us some before you kill that black devil John Cena on Sunday? Kurt Angle: Well I’d love to wrestle but I have that battle royal to prepare for and… Leader: Oh, nonsense. If you REALLY wanna be a member you have to at least burn a cross on one of their yards. Kurt scratches his head once again. Kurt Angle: Uh… Leader: CLETUS!!! GET THIS BROTHER A UNIFORM!!! A man stands up and gives a white sheet and hat to the leader, who passes it on to Kurt. That’s when it all makes sense. We see the letters…”KKK” on the sheet. Kurt’s eyes go wide. Kurt Angle: Oh my god!!! You guys are…are…THE KOOL KIDS KLUB?!? GOLLY GEE!! I remember when I was just a young Gold Medallist I was in one of these clubs! Except we didn’t meant in a barn, we met in Burger King. Now everybody is confused. Leader: So are you ready? Kurt Angle: Don’t you guys want me to sign some autographs? Leader: Actually we should wait until our leader gets here… Kurt Angle: I thought you were the leader? Leader: Hell no son. Our leader is a man we’ve looked up to for ages. A man that’s lead the way almost since day one. A true fighting warrior in every sense of the word. Kurt shrugs. Kurt Angle: Hm…I don’t know who he is but I’m sure with an attitude like that he’s a fan of mine. Leader: Well he’s… Shane Douglas: KURT FUCKIN’ ANGLE!!! From seemingly out of nowhere emerges The Franchise Shane Douglas. He’s wearing a gold Franchise t-shirt over his white sheet. Kurt Angle: Shane…you’re the leader of the KKK? Shane Douglas: HAHAHA!! SINCE DAY FUCKIN’ ONE KURT!! THE ONLY THING I HATE MORE THEN BOOKER T’S KIND IS THAT FUCKIN’ BITCH MARIA!!!! Kurt Angle: Yeah, shouldn’t you be training for that match? He cackles again, sweating profusely. Shane Douglas: FUCK THAT PUSSY SHIT KURT!! THE FUCKIN’ FRRRRRRRRRAAAANNNNNCHISE DOESN’T TRAIN FOR FUCKING ANYBODY!!! WHEN I STEP IN THAT RING WITH MARIA I’M GONNA KNOCK HER ASS OUT AND THEN KNOCK HER ASS UP!!! HAHAHA!! Kurt Angle: I’d really rather not think about what yours and Maria’s children would be like. ”LOLZ I FUCKIN’ KNOW BITCH!” Shane walks over and stands beside his Pittsburgh boy. Shane Douglas: SO…FUCKIN’ KURT YOU OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL WINNIN’ MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! ARE YOU GONNA GO FUCKIN’ HELP US KILL SOME OF THOSE FUCKIN’ BLACK SKIN MOTHERFUCKERS OR WHAT?!?!? Leader: Come on Kurt…Lets autograph each one of their asses with this branding iron!!! Kurt still doesn’t know what’s going on…but he knows it’s about time to leave when they all put their white hoods on. Shane Douglas: AHAHAHA!! I FUCKING LOVE IT!!! LETS GO GET THAT NO TALENT PUSSY FAGGOT TOO COLD SCORPIO FIRST!!! THEN WE CAN GET D’LO FUCKING BROWN!!! AND THE FUCKING DUDLEY BOYS!!! Kurt Angle: But only of of those guys are black… Shane Douglas: YOU THINK I GIVE A FLYING FUCK?!!? THE FUCKIN’ FRRRRRRRRRRRRANCHISE JUST WANTS TO KICK SOME FUCKING ASS!!!! HAHAHA!!!! Kurt takes a deep breath. Kurt Angle: Alright, well I’m gonna take off… Leader: What?? Kurt Angle: I’d just like to remind you all that no matter how ugly you may be underneath those masks…unless you’re like…JOHN CENA ugly, you don’t need them! Follow my three eyes and you’ll get along fine! Now it’s obvious that you have intensity…but that can only take you so far…BYE!!! Kurt puts the sheet and hood on to blend in and runs out of the barn and towards the car. Colt Cabana: OH MY GOD!!! SABLE LOOK!! We see Kurt running towards them looking like a member of the KKK. Colt Cabana: I’M SO COOL THEY THINK I’M BLACK!! Kurt pulls off the hood, dives into the car and Colt speeds off. Sable: What in the HELL was that all about?? Kurt breaths heavily, soaked in sweat. Kurt Angle: I don’t know…but that’s one kids club that Kurt Angle will NOT be apart of! Kurt looks into the camera. Kurt Angle: If I were you John Cena…I’d better run and hide, because I might have ACCIDENTLY slipped those crazies your address!! Sable: John’s going down baby. You’r a wrestler, a submission specialist…he’s a wannabe street fighter. Kurt Angle: You better believe it…he would have TOTALLY lost if he faced Jean Claude Van Damme! What a terrible movie it was. Kurt Angle: John you like to rap, huh? Or as I call it…making up so many lies, hoping somebody other then yourself and those two jobbers will believe it? Well here’s a little Kurt Angle rap that goes something like this…John Cena’s white and Kurt Angle is COOL…Sunday…Submission match…YOUR ASS IS GETTING TAKEN TO SCHOOL!! WOOOOOOOOO! Colt Cabana: And THAT… Kurt Angle: IS DAMN TRUE!!! Fade out.

Olympic Achievements: Gold Of The Week [x1] MSN: wrestling60@hotmail.com Email: motleycruesixx@email.com