September 1998 Thoughts
"Excess of sorrow laughs, excess of joy weeps" -- William BlakeI have always loved the poetry in this quote, but only in very recent times did I realize the full truth of the sentiment. There really are experiences that are too big to process emotionally, they must be set aside or redirected or one becomes -- well, one would die. There are some things which I have been surprised to note I haven't really "worked through" as I normally would, because they are just too huge. I wonder if I will ever be able to.
---------------------------- Since I've noticed that people actually do seem to visit this page (relax, big brother isn't watching, geocities just tells me when each page was last accessed), I feel that I should explain that I'll be going on a sort of vacation for a few weeks; I have decided to detoxify myself after becoming something of a net addict. My self-imposed exile will end on October 15. In the mean time, let me know if you have any opinions on the new banner on the main page by emailing me. Thanks.
9/30 - Something terribly strange has occured to me... By drawing together the following two thoughts about the question of originality and creativity -- 1. that "creativity...consists largely of rearranging what we know in order to find out what we do not know," and that 2. what I think are innovative ideas may very well have already been thought of by someone else without my being aware of it -- it's possible to make the formulation that you actually have a better chance of being original or creative if you spend your time rearranging other people's ideas rather than coming up with single, supposedly creative ideas of your own. In fact, the more and the more disparate established ideas you can truly relate to each other, the better chance you have of being original (?) And you have the option of only arranging the thoughts of people who are thought to be the first to think of a thought :)... I realize I'm getting silly here, it just seems intriguing...
(yes I realize I'm interchanging the terms creativity and originality, sorry my linguistics aren't up to par here)
9/29 - Every so often, I become repulsed by sound which occurs regularly, or predictably, or in a pattern. Then I must stop listening to any music, and I become annoyed with sounds such as water dripping or the repetitive mating call of a bird. At these times I seek out such sounds as young children playing, or the ambient noise of a city, preferably muffled from behind a window. I also enjoy listening to someone singing or humming if they are very casual or very unmusical and not keeping to the beat or tone. I listen to things for the purity of the sound itself rather than the pattern, and my powers of concentration are renewed because I am hearing exactly what occurs rather than anticipating or interpreting. I also enjoy listening to foreign languages which I do not know at all, where I can concentrate on the sounds of the words themselves and the way the speaker inflects them, although that too sometimes becomes predictable.
9/28 - I have also been thinking that I must both become better-read (I need to read more, and in a more disciplined way) and also that I must retain a better memory linking what I remember reading to its author. I must become better-read, in part, because many things I might think are original thoughts may not be (although one could argue that two identical ideas thought up independently of one another are both original). And I must retain a better memory linking what I've read with its author, in part, so I (and anyone else who wants to) can easily find it again and make sure that my memory is accurate, and in part, so I can give the author her due credit. I realize this is an impossible project, and I will never feel good enough in this respect, but I really must at least work on it.
9/27 - I have been thinking a lot about what constitutes originality of thought, and I have been realizing, somewhat to my dismay, how much I rely on things I have read or heard somewhere in formulating my ideas. Then, in a stunning show of synchronicity :-), the world arranged for me to come upon the following quote:
"Creativity...consists largely of rearranging what we know in order to find out what we do not know." --George Kneller.
9/26 - A special, extra-fire-and-brimstone realm of hell should be reserved for DJ's who cut off or talk over the endings to my favorite songs.
The idea that we would rather hear their babbling than the music! The idea that commercials are the point rather than the music! The idea that the song is over after the singer's done, and any instrumental ending is to be talked over! DJ's routinely amputate the last minute or so of "Total Eclipse of the Heart," which has one of the most soulful endings on the face of the earth. I always see it coming, but I always cringe anyway. I bet DJ's are lousy in bed ("let's stop here, honey; after all, we're *almost* done...")
9/25 - I resent how much like my parents I am. It's insulting to think that many of my habits and attitudes are not original and expressive of me.
9/24 - children tend to have a greater ability than adults to appreciate things as they are, and to see beauty and possibilities in things that adults pass over. I remember when I was little, I used to collect the little punched-out pieces of cardboard from packages that were hung on wire hooks in grocery stores. They were shiny and colorful, and I called them (for a reason unknown to me or my mom now) "fishes."
There was and may still be a homeless man in New York City who arranged elaborate artistic configurations of other people's trash and cast-off items. He constructed these on an impromptu basis on the sidewalks around lower Manhattan. I once saw one of his pieces near Carl Fisher music. Ancient dolls, clotheswire and clothespins, a shoe or two, a broken tea kettle, bicycle parts, unidentifiably metal pieces, and much more, all arranged into a sort of sculpture, with this man sitting in a lawn chair nearby, keeping guard. He was interviewed by the Village Voice several years ago, and he explained (much more eloquently than I have been able to here) that he was uniting these objects into families, where they could receive the love they deserved and had not been receiving. In my best moments, I completely understand him, and not just symbolically.
9/23 - I have sometimes had the ironic and funny haha experience of struggling endlessly with a particular issue or question, and having someone casually give me an insight which they have seemingly known forever and apparently realized without effort and accept without effort. One instance semi-recently was when someone casually mentioned that you cannot live without causing as well as experiencing pain. He seemed to accept this easily and without pangs of philosophizing. This clicked into place so many things for me about suffering and morality etc. and it also opened up new things to obsess about.
This reminds me of a parable (I don't remember where I heard or read this):
A preacher gave a passionate sermon on morality. He put his best into it, and was hopeful that he had impressed his points on his parishoners and helped them attain grace. After the sermon, the preacher stood by the exit, saying goodbye to his parishoners and feeling pretty proud of himself. But the compliments for the sermon he had just given were routine and perfunctory. Finally, a beaming woman enthusiastically shook his hand and told him how much his sermon had meant to her. Pleased, and wanting to be complimented some more, the preacher asked which parts in particular had moved her. The woman replied, "Well, when you said, 'and now, I will move from the first part of my sermon to the second,' I realized that it was time for me to move from the first part of my life into the second. I have been stuck in the past so long, and I saw clearly that I now must move on. Thank you so much."
You never know how your words and actions will affect people. The most heartfelt can hurt someone, the most earnest may not be received, the most casual may change someone's life, and meaning is where you find it.
9/22 - It's refreshing to occasionally speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth in a situation where you are normally expected to fudge... "No, I don't care for your new hairstyle" ... "Nope, I haven't sent the check out yet, and realistically I won't be sending it out anytime soon." ... "Well, I left my last job because one of my supervisors was a b-- etter editor than she was an employer or supervisor" ... "No, I don't want to remain friends after we break up; were we ever really friends in the first place?"
...In a related thought, I'm in the midst of a project of reclaiming more truth in my life. Despite some reservations (offending people, hurting feelings, people who have power to affect my future possibly viewing me more negatively for it), I think I'll be infusing my life (and my pages) with more bald truth. There are topics I avoid not because I am ashamed of them but because of how I fear other people will perceive them; and there are things I avoid because I *am* ashamed of them, even if most other people would probably not find them noteworthy at all. It takes energy (that could be better spent on other things) to hold things back, it can make things fester, it reinforces the idea that either the hidden things or you yourself are not ok, and it can infect other areas of your life. I'm not going to go out of my way to expose every dark dusty corner of my existence to light, but when things naturally come up, I'm not going to push them back down any more either. When I do decide not to disclose something, I want it to be a real choice and not out of embarassment or practical consideration. I believe this will be very freeing.
It's possible that my approaching my life in this revised manner will lead to my losing the chance at some jobs or friendships; but it is worth it to me. I am a person who needs a high level of realness, truth, honesty, disclosure, and I want people around me who can deal. Many people in my life now already think I am unacceptably direct, honest and straightforward, and/or that I want a level of emotional honesty and intimacy they are uncomfortable with either providing or experiencing. And this is when I am holding back quite a bit.
9/21 - I saw "Return to Paradise" tonight. I can't remember when I was last so emotionally affected by a movie. Joaquin Phoenix as Lewis has burned himself into my memory forever in his vitality, pain and radiance. I normally wouldn't write about something like this in here, but it's most of what I have been thinking about since I saw it.
9/20 - Consider the phrase "I'm used to it." Used to it, what exactly is this supposed to mean? The more I turn this phrase over in my mind the more bizarre it seems.
9/19 - It's interesting to take a particular object and try to trace its history and/or reduce it to its basic elements - for example, a soda from a machine :-). You have your aluminum and other metals for the can, the dye for the soda itself and for the outside of the can, the writing on the can, the information the writing conveys, the four deadly C's (carbonation, chemicals, caffeine, corn syrup) inside... It's amazing how many different inventions needed to come together to make this product. If you want to go farther, you also have your research and testing, marketing, construction of the soda machine itself, the contract between the vendor and the institution or business where the machine was placed... if you look around, most things around you have a very complex history.
later note: this doesn't only apply to manufactured products. Even a dandelion in your yard that grew on its own without being watered or fertilized required complex ingredients and conditions to exist.
9/18 - I have recently become acutely aware of how much crap people put into their bodies. Take soda. People at school are constantly drinking sodas. This stuff is awful for you, totally fake and with no nutritional value. All you are doing is pouring chemicals and carbonation and caffeine and corn syrup (not even natural cane sugar) into your body. The chemicals contribute to cancer, the carbonation weakens your bones, the caffeine makes your heart race, and the corn syrup supplies only empty calories. But we see it as normal because we have become used to it. There are soda machines everywhere but very few machines stocked with water, juice or tea. I think it's sadly ironic, too, that there is so much demand for new research to cure diseases, and all these charity walks and breast cancer awareness month, etc. We don't need studies or new medicines, as much as we need to change our lifestyle. "Oh yeah, I smoke two packs a day and drink a six pack of beer every day and get three or four hours of sleep a night and no exercise -- now could you please find a cure for my disease?" No, there is no cure for stupidity.
9/17 - Possibly the most important thing for me to remember is that if I wait until it's perfect, I will never complete it.
9/16 - I'm developing this theory that physical and emotional sensitivity are correlated. I'd like to see if children who are physically sensitive (are susceptible to communicable illnesses, are particularly sensitive to pain, etc.) are also those who are emotionally sensitive and shy.
9/15 - People tend to prefer just about anything to confronting the limits to their own (or a benevolent deity's) control over their lives. They would rather blame the most innocent victim than consider that shit really does happen, for absolutely no reason, to absolutely anybody, and sometimes with absolutely nothing to be done about it. This flaw in human nature has resulted in things such as human sacrifice ("the crops didn't turn out well, we must have done something to displease the Gods, maybe this will make up for it"), the idea of karma ("it's ok to mistreat the lower class, their station in life is payback for their misdeeds in a previous life"), and the cult of "positive thinking" currently prevalent in our own society ("your thoughts determine your outcomes, so if you've had negative outcomes, it's your own fault for having negative thoughts").
9/14 - Quite often I have sympathized with and been moved by historical figures, writers, composers, etc. and wished that I could communicate with them. Especially if they died imprisoned, alone, unappreciated, I wish I could let them know that I like and get their writing/music/ideas, and so do other people, ("and by the way, about that thing you said on page 55...") It seems so unfair and even silly that something like time should be able to stop this communication.
9/13 - I remember when I started feeling alienated: when I was in junior high school, and a friend wanted to go to the mall with me, and I realized that to her (and to most other people I knew), the mall was a fact, it really existed and was inevitable and institutional, whereas to me it was something people dreamed up, arbitrary and easily changed and barely even there. It's so hard to explain this...which is one reason I'm alienated.
9/12 - You can never control or trace the consequences of your actions. [This is a huge realization, and one which I intend to write further about]
9/11 - Integrity is the most important thing you can have, in my opinion, but a poll of people around me shows that 4 out of 5 don't know the meaning of the word. It doesn't mean honesty or trustworthiness, though those qualities are often present in someone with integrity. It means, literally, wholeness. Not giving up bits of your true self to please other people or to make the course of life easier. Compromising on details but not compromising yourself.
9/10 - upon exiting an astrology site this morning, I got the following interesting Javascript error: "today is not defined."
9/9 - In a pizza parlor tonight, I put a quarter into one of those machines where you direct the miniature crane to try to swoop down and snatch up a prize. I think those machines can serve as a great metaphor for life. The machine isn't fair* (though some gullible souls don't see that). You know it's very unlikely you'll win, but sometimes you have to try anyway. If you do manage to get something, it's not likely to be something you really wanted, but you're still kind of goofily happy to have it, because hey, you beat the machine. Even if you do get something you really wanted, you probably had to spend more on it than it was worth. And even if you got something you really wanted, on the first try, there's no sure way to duplicate your success again, because it was mostly just luck and you should be thankful. By the way, I got two pieces of candy; I didn't even bother aiming for the big stuff. I'll leave any metaphor to be found there to the reader's interpretation.
*just in case you haven't seen one of these machines, the crane doesn't grasp well, doesn't seem to be capable of lifting the heavier objects, is hard to direct, and swings back and forth wildly, thereby often dislodging anything it has picked up before it is dropped into the retrieval slot.
9/8 - It's weird that people use contractions when they're writing. When you're speaking, you save a syllable by using a contraction (e.g. You're vs. you are; don't vs. do not), that saves significant time and effort when speaking. But writing contractions doesn't save any characters (with only a few exceptions -- won't vs. will not comes to mind), or it only saves one character if you count the space. We use contractions even if we aren't writing about something someone said, or even if we aren't writing in a conversational tone. So why is this? Because most of us talk more than we write (I don't) and use our speaking habits as the default? Or maybe it has something to do with verbal language having developed for thousands and thousands of years, with written language being much more recent and modelled from verbal language.
But it's still weird. What if you used conventions of written language when you were speaking with someone? If, for example, you voiced punctuation ("How are you today, Bill, question mark").
9/7 - I get nervous about compliments, because along with every compliment comes an expectation. And it feels worse to have someone withdraw their acknowledgement than never to have received it at all.
9/6 - it's an interesting exercise to pick two seemingly unrelated things and find a relationship between them. For example, toothbrushes and flamingos. Or razor blades and mustard. Try it and see if you can come up with relationships.
note: saying "they were both mentioned in the same sentence on this page" is a cop-out; simple physical association (for example, picturing a flamingo with a toothbrush grasped in its beak) isn't much better.
9/5 - "Everybody is somebody else's weirdo" - Alex J. Van Wey
9/4 - [original thought deleted] revelation of the day: some stuff is too personal to share here.
9/3 - My mom's birthday. It strikes me as strange that most people in our society name their children long before they are ever born. A lot of our attitudes about childrearing seem to leave the child herself out of the equation. I like the practice prevalent in some Native American societies, where a child is given their name based on a trait particular to that child, or even allowed to choose a name for themselves.
9/2 - Just another sign that our society loves to treat effects and ignore causes. Pain and discomfort, instead of providing valuable clues about imbalance in our lives, are looked at as nuisances which modern medicine can thankfully get rid of. We take antacid instead of eating better. We take aspirin instead of removing stress. We cover up our "unsightly" undereye circles instead of getting more sleep.
9/1 - anger and bitterness are, at least, sources of energy, a sign that you are alive.
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