IMPORTANT: Please note that there was a problem with the mailing list, and unfortunately some people may not have received emails for quite a while. If you previously unsubscribed from the club, please accept our apologies and email LittleAL87@aol.com to be removed. Number of Entries The Write Stories .............................................................................1 The Write Poetry .............................................................................4 Critique of the Month .............................................................................1 Learn from the Masters .............................................................................1 The Write "Stuff" .............................................................................2 We were recently experiencing some problems with the mailing list, so for those of you who do not know, The Write Stuff is very proud to present this new section of the newsletter in which the writing of members is critiqued by peer editors. To have your writing critiqued, please send it to LittleAL87@aol.com with "TO CRITIQUE" in the subject line. It may appear in this section of a future newsletter.
We would like to congratulate Stuart for winning the "Funny Poetry" contest! You can find his winning poem in the poetry section. Try entering one of our contests yourself; they're found on the website: The Write Stuff!.
Also, be sure to check out the newest section of our newsletter--Critique of the Month.
Table of Contents
Section
THE WRITE STORIES
Ionic
Part Two
By Amethyst Soul
Aurana turned and fled, having stared at the girl in the blue sphere for a full minute before becoming remotely aware of the disapproving glances from others around her.
Within blurred moments she made it to the Fourth Class residential area, made it to her assigned apartment, made it even into her room before collapsing on the floor in a mixture of confusion, worry, and fear- she had no sister. No one had family in this time; all children were conceived under the motherly hands of scientists and the fatherly presence of test tubes.
Three days passed before Aurana saw the girl again. Tavisha knew about it but simply dismissed it as Aurana "daydreaming" again.
"After all," Tavisha explained, "You dream much too often for ya age. You're such a child, s-sometimes."
Aurana had been looking for the girl the entire time, of course, mind racing with questions she couldnt answer herself. And this time she saw her, approaching her from the sidewalk of the city, eyes focused as though she knew exactly what she had came for. Aurana, having dreamt this moment occurring ever since their first "meeting", instantly forgot what she had planned and continued to walk, face down, pretending she did not notice that her mirror image was approaching her. They came close to each other, their distance shortened...
...and then expanded again. The girl walked right past without even glancing behind. Aurana forced herself to continue looking ahead, disappointed that she had let this moment pass, ashamed that she hadn't the courage to look her in the eye, offended that the girl had done the same.
Solemnly Aurana trudged home, faintly remembering that she had forgotten to nourish herself in the RB. She felt numb and so empty that she didn't care, and didn't turn back. It was then she felt a light touch her shoulder; though soft, it sent a tremor of sensation through her nerves. She spun around- and there stood her mirror.
Aurana opened her mouth to speak but forced the words back down her throat. The girl had followed her, and she was desperate to know why, but she feared the restraints of her society and held back.
The girl understood this, and so instead she took Aurana's limp hand in her own and lead her off the sidewalk into an abandoned building site- a decrepit, grey mass that would have become a shopping center had such simple human pleasures not been banned ten years ago. This shocked Aurana further; venturing off designated pathways was forbidden and almost as great a blasphemy as socializing with those outside one's own sphere class. But the girl in the blue bubble was so determined with her decision to break the law that Aurana felt at ease and let herself be taken away, even if she knew it was down the path of condemnation.
The girl eventually stopped walking when they had gotten far enough into obscurity. She let go of Aurana's hand; when the feeling of this contact left Aurana realized how utterly strange it had been. Even as a child she was rarely touched- physical human contact was deemed unnecessary.
Aurana stared at the girl in the blue sphere; the girl smiled at her- a strange, wild smile that caused Aurana to collapse to the ground dizzily. The fear that consumed her at that moment was overwhelming and she struggled to stand so that she could run from the site; run from this dangerous meeting with the stranger with her face.
"Let me help you up," the girl said, offering a hand.
Aurana was shocked. The girl had spoken with her; shed broken the ultimate rule. Aurana expected the world to shatter to pieces, for the sky to fall and police to rush in to kill them both. But nothing happened. The run-down edifice setting remained as quiet and still as it had before; the sky, though slowly dimming into nightfall, remained intact. The clouds were rolling in, Aurana noted, a huge, unified sheet of grey slowly crawling their way.
"Aren't you going to say anything?" the girl asked, dropping her hand.
Aurana's lips trembled; she wasn't sure whether to speak or whether to run. But slowly she nodded; slowly she choked the words from her throat.
"What's your name?"
The girl seemed surprised; perhaps she had expected Aurana to say something else. But slowly, a smile crept along her face. "I'm Ana."
"Ana," Aurana mimicked. She liked the way it sounded on her tongue. She then spoke again, and this time the words passed smoothly and quickly over her lips. In a single moment society's standards had slipped, rendered meaningless. Her world was transformed, and she liked the change. She managed to finally stand and stepped forward, offering her hand. "I'm Aurana."
Their bubbles overlapped; the pink and blue formed an iridescent purple. The girls gasped- purple was nonexistent in spheres and could only be seen on cloudless days at sunset. It was this movement forward that caused the true breakthrough, giving way to a sign of the possible future of mankind- unity. A prospect that overwhelmed Aurana almost to the point of sickness.
"I think I should go."
Ana noted the dimming sky. "You're right." Aurana turned to leave but her sister grabbed her hands and held them tight. "Will I see you tomorrow? At the same time?"
"Of course."
Aurana left the site feeling light-headed and excited and guilty all at the same time. Ana lingered for a moment in the solace; once she was sure her counterpart was gone she tapped a button on her arm. The image of Ana flickered, and the hologram disappeared, revealing a man underneath- the same whom Aurana had seen a few days earlier running up the stairs. He lifted his wrist and spoke into a communicator implant.
"Class 4: Aurana has been detected in violation of the primary code. An arrest will be made tomorrow in the work facility to maintain public fear of the law. Class 8: Stevenson out."
THE WRITE POETRY
Funny Poetry Contest Winner:
Bad Guts, By Stuart Forbes [stupot_y2k@hotmail.com]
It was just a little sausage
No bigger than your thumb,
But I'll never forgive that sausage
For what it done to my bum.
I placed it in the oven
And turned it once or twice,
Then I turned away a sec
To make myself some rice.
How was I supposed to know
I'd left the oven off,
I put my sausage with my rice
And then began to scoff.
It wasn't until afterwards
Whilst putting the plate in the sink,
I realised my sausage
Had still been rather pink.
There was nothing I could do right then
I'd gobbled up the lot,
I knew there'd be a price to pay,
An extremely painful bot.
I waited for 10 minutes,
I waited for an hour
And just as I thought my guts were safe
It came with super-power.
At first I couldn't even move
Let alone stand and walk.
I tried my best to scream for help
But I couldn't even talk.
Eventually I pushed my self
And in quite a super feat
I flew into the toilet, pulled down my pants
And sat upon the seat.
I didn't even have to strain.
There was no need to urge.
For just as my bum touched the seat
It all began to splurge.
It splattered and spluttered
And hurt like Hell.
But that's nothing compared
To its desperate smell
Imagine smelling a dog's behind
When he's just been for a crappy
Mix it with the smell of death.
I wasn't very happy.
After a while it all calmed down
And my stomach felt okay.
But then I felt an almighty surge
And puked for half a day.
This all happened yesterday,
Today I'm feeling nice.
Next time I get hungry
I think I'll stick to rice.
Manifest
StraightRazor99
I never thought of us as star-cross'd
And I frankly don't need the romantic allusions to justify us
I just know how if feels to hold your hand in mine
And feel like I'm home
The days pass by like whims to a child
Maybe that's life, but I don't forget that easily
I'm grounded here, with you in my arms
Your cheek pressed against mine, as we watch the sun fall to the earth
How is it that the world can move so fast, and not see what it holds
But that's not for us to question, only enjoy the hidden treasures
The kisses in the dark, the whispers in the crowd, the laughter in the chaos
Those are the moments where the logic, the physics, and the
Literature of the World become ashes
So we tumble toward Forever
And find each other in the Falling.
[no_zd124@hotmail.com]
Shining the brightest
And fading the fastest into the night.
Loving each moment,
Living just to live.
Learning young
That life is empty
When you don't try everything.
Reaching the highest
Point in your life while
Others are just getting their grip.
Yet you slipped away,
Fading into the dark.
Breaking the record,
Knowing you've got to take the chance,
Make the first move,
No regrets.
Part of You [emmikate2@hotmail.com]
I really hope Im part of
What makes you so great.
The part that causes you to love
People whom others hate.
The part that makes old grumpy men
Smile when theyre down.
The part that begins with a smile
That was before a frown.
The part that makes people remember
The last time they saw your face.
The part that fills a place with warmth,
That once was an empty space.
The part that people grow to love,
When they havent known you for long.
The part that made me want to be like you,
And right my every wrong.
The part that makes the world go round,
Though that part is very small.
The part that has gone rotten in others,
But still lives in all.
Its a just a part of the puzzle,
The huge one that you are.
Its the part of you called your heart,
That makes you my lucky star.
CRITIQUE OF THE MONTH
by karebear00
I don't know why, (comma should be removed) I can't have you
(But) but I know I want you
(Because) because i (I) love you
And still want you, even when your (you're) dead and gone (is he dead?) (Consider ditching "And still want you." It's superfluous, but if you want to keep it, make it "And still I want you.")
Your eyes pierce through me
(Like) like a needle through my skin (kinda cliche) ((I agree)
You turn away from me
(Because) because I never told what's in (huh? what does that mean?) (does this mean the you never told him how you feel?)
(This transition is awkward... it doesn't make sense until you get to the next line. I'd consider not using a rhyme scheme.)
(All right, I'm tired of fixing all your capitalization. Decide whether or not you plan to stick to standard literary conventions. If you plan to break the ancient rule telling you to capitalize the first word of each line, do it consciously and consistently. Have a reason and make it a choice, not an accident.)
my heart it bleeds (lose the "it") ("it" isn't necessary here. It works without it.)
like a pulsing fountain flowing with red Jell-O (not very powerful...kinda immature if you want me to be honest) (different word choice) (Is Jell-O really pulsing? Or is it maybe squishy when it's been stepped on, spattering all over the floor? If you're going to use a creative metaphor, be creative. Don't mix creativity with a trite cliche.)
but it's not really like Jell-O or Cool Aid either (so why say that it is?)
(... why isn't it like Jell-O or Kool Aid? You might consider not mentioning Kool Aid, stick with and expand the Jell-o metaphor. Maybe cut out the "fountain" part, use "bowl", or something else that wouldn't sound so dramatic. And be open to using irony. You can use the Jell-O bit, but be aware it sounds a little silly.)
but what I want is you
to notice me like you notice them (good...here is some honesty)
everyone else but me (I got it..this line is not needed.) (avoid self-pity, or at least be aware it's coming through) (I agree. Plus, even the sentence structure doesn't fit in here. It's not necessary.)
because they're so pretty (do you want to be like them, or is there irony here? Are they perfect to you?)
and perfect like a circle
but I'm more like a triangle
with dents on the sides
(you could cut these lines and no one would miss them.) (dents from what? Metaphors tend to be stronger if you stick with them and expand on the same ones.)
(Make me see the shapes. Are the circles made from shiny metal, while the triangle's covered in rust from being exposed to the elements? Why's a circle perfect? A triangle has more depth, more personality. Does he not appreciate your uniqueness?)
why don't you love me (too much...tone it down.)
my heart is nothing but your shrine (A teensy bit obsessive-sounding, are we?)
but still you turn away (If someone worshipped you, would you feel uncomfortable? And consider a sentence break or a question mark from time to time.)
I don't get it ( neither do I...what exactly is going on at this point of the poem?)
your (you're) my friend (I thought he was dead...or was he ignoring you...which?)
but we could be so much more (I see that, but what's there not to get?)
If you loved me back our hearts would soar (if you weren't rhyming before, don't try to now) (Again with the rhyme scheme. If you try too hard to rhyme, it sounds contrived.) (That, and "loved me back." You're better than that. :) You can make it sound nicer & more poetic...)
but no (,) you had to do the different thing (very strange language...what is the "different thing"?) (awkward, unless you're being mocking... if you are, expand. It's unclear.)
everyone else looks so happy (everyone who's with someone else, or everyone in the whole wide world?) (Very dramatic. Not everyone is high on life.)
but you had to make me cry (How? Just by not noticing you? Or was there something else?) (Was it intentional?)
and now I want to die (way too dramatic to be taken seriously.)
so I'll do it (Do what, suicide?)
you won't love me
So you'll never see me again
If you won't love me no one else will
(this last stanza sounds like the desperate words of an 11-year old...I just am not moved by it, and it seems impossible to relate to. Unless I'm being mean, I don't think this stanza is needed, wanted, or important to the rest of the poem. I'd either re-word it, lose the desperation, or get rid of it all together.)
::Screams:: (huh? I don't know what this is, what it means, or why it's here...lose it)
(Is this a reference to killing yourself? First-- are you really and truly considering killing yourself? If not, it just sounds melodramatic. If you are, seek help. I don't mean to intrude, but talking about suicide, if it's autobiographical, tends to worry people. It can be a good anger reliever, but no guy's worth offing yourself for.)
I want to first begin by saying that this poem is a common theme. Unrequited love has inspired poets from every possible civilization for the entire history of the written word. So as far as the theme of this poem, it's among a great number of great works. Because there are so many poems of this kind, there is a very high standard. So that is the reason I can dislike this poem without guilt. I want to emphasize that I am fair in my reading, and have found certain things I do admire. First, I respect and appreciate the passion of the poem. I'm not exactly sure who the object of the poem may be dead, may be a friend, may be a distant crush. From the poem, I can figure that part out. Stanza 1 leads me to believe the person is dead. Stanza 4 makes the object seem to be a distant crush and a friend at the same time. The point is, the object ("Tony"?) is unclear. Beyond that, I must say that the cliches of the poem were distracting. The entire first stanza seems very common. "like a needle through my skin..." also very common. I tried hard to find the main point of the poem. There doesn't seem to be one. Maybe "Love me, Tony, or I'll do something drastic."
Either way, it didn't move me. It lacked the emotional honesty that I craved. I think it was either a muddle of real emotions with no real structure, or a failed attempt to sound sincere in which the writer threw in everything that seemed to resemble emotional honesty and pain.
I also found the poem a tad hard to understand at times. At first it does appear that "Tony" is dead. In later stanzas it seems as though he was alive. Is this a flashback, remembering the times you have of Tony or is he alive and you are saying that you will still love him even if he died? Also there could be a better use of diction throughout the poem. For example with the "like apulsing fountain flowing withJell-O." The useof the word Jell-O seems out of place with the rest of the poem.The poem did not catch me as well..There wasn't enough strong emotion to pull me in.
~FrancineTheFork
I think that it had potential, but the cliches made me dizzy. I personally thought that yes, the Jell-O was a bit incongruous, but you could have done something with it. With the shapes, too, you started some unique metaphors, but you didn't follow through. The entire point of metaphors is to make me see what you're talking about. So make me see it in a special light, in keeping with the tone of the rest of your piece. Moreover, what's up with "Tony"? I'm assuming he's the subject of this poem, but why title it "Tony" if you've never even mentioned his name before? Put it in, give it significance, or name it something seemingly more related to the actual writing. Also, watch your spelling, grammar, and punctuation. Those simple loves of English teachers throughout the ages happen to be pet peeves of mine when used incorrectly. I know you know that "I" should be capitalized. If you're submitting your work for publication or review, don't do it lackadaisically. Proofread.
LEARN FROM THE MASTERS
Arthur Miller is considered one of the great playwrights of our time, and has contributed greatly to the face of American literature. Born in 1915 in New York, he is still alive today. He is perhaps best known for his play, Death of a Salesman:
"Miller's DEATH OF A SALESMAN (1949) brought him international fame, and become one of the major achievements of modern American theatre. It relates the tragic story of a salesman named Willy Loman, whose past and present are mingled in expressionistic scenes. Loman is not the great success that he claims to be to his family and friends. He is eventually fired and he begins to hallucinate about significant events from his past. Deciding that he is worth more dead than alive, he kills himself in his car - hoping that the insurance money will support his family and his son Biff could get a new start in his life."
He also wrote The Crucible, an allegory for the anti-Communist craze of the McCarthy era. He used the seventeenth-century Salem witch hunts to portray how such a madness can infect an entire society. He was even denied a passport to attend the premiere of the play in Brussels, as he was cited for contempt of Congress for refusing to give over the names of people suspected to be Communists.
Arthur Miller married Marilyn Monroe in 1956, but they were divorced in 1961. He has left a lasting mark on American literature, and is still read and studied today.
THE WRITE "STUFF"
Special Birthday Announcements
December 2nd DkPunkLegend2
December 11th Madra 7of9
December 15th Karivet
December 16th Gator1686
December 23rd LosingMentality
December 25th flayorker123@prodigy.net
December 28th Dramadoll74
December 30th LilyBlossom07@msn.com
Happy Birthday!!!
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