Dear Diary:

Things changed after my eighth birthday.  My mom and dad began to talk without
words -- they would just glare at each other as if their eyes were weapons.  You
could feel something in the air when they were mad at each other -- kind of like
the air before a bad storm.  It wasn't always that way.  I remember when they used
to laugh.  Now, the clouds behind their eyes block out any sunshine in my life.
Sometimes I think it's me...  maybe I should have tried to listen... maybe I
should have tried to be a better kid.  Maybe things would have been different...

I used to like hanging out with my friends, but now I spend lots of time alone
thinking about how much things have changed.  We used to go out to parks and other
places as a family but now it seems like mom and dad can't be in the same room
without something starting.  Everytime they fight I get this feeling in my stomach
like I'm going down a rollercoaster.  I keep seeing them arguing and fighting when
I close my eyes to go to sleep, and when I'm at school trying to pay attention to
what the teacher is saying.  Some days I can see her lips move, but the words are
nothing but mumbles.  The worst thing is that I can't do anything about it.  It's
like being trapped in a funhouse where everything looks twisted and weird like the
world is underwater.  And I can't escape from it.  Each turn leads to another dead
end.  Every time I see something that looks like an exit it's just my eyes playing
tricks on me.

I was talking to my Dad today and he said he is going to be living somewhere else.
I can't imagine that.  I remember going to baseball games with him, I remember the
birthdays, days at the park.  Now I'm just going to be seeing him on the weekends.
The weird thing is that I will be sleeping at his house on Friday and Saturday
nights.  So, when I have school I sleep at home, and on the weekend at my Dad's place.
Does that mean that I have two homes?  I guess it does.  He said something about him
leaving not being my fault.  He said it's just something that happens every once in
a while.  What I can't figure out is when mom and dad stopped loving each other.
Why can't they just talk it over like they taught me to when I have a problem with
someone?

I also noticed that my mom and dad keep saying things about each other to me.  They
also fight about things like money and who gets to keep our stuff.  I think someone
also said something about a 'lawyer'.  This is a man that helps decide where I'm
supposed to live, and how much money my dad has to pay my mom.  Does that mean that
my dad is paying to see me?  Or is he just giving her money because she doesn't work
and needs help to buy things I need?  I asked my mom about this, but I didn't really
understand the answers.  

I wonder where my cat is going to live.  Probably with me, I guess.  I was talking to
Jack yesterday -- he's one of the friends that I have from school.  He said that his
parents split up about two years ago and it still feels like something is missing...
like when you lose a tooth and you feel around with your tongue and there's nothing
but a big hole.  Teeth are different.  They grow back and fill in the hole.  I don't
think what happens is like that.  It's more like changing schools.  Your teachers
change, you make new friends, go to different classrooms and things are never quite
the same as they were before you moved.  I guess it's like growing out of a pair of
shoes.  It's funny how attached you get to something like that.  It's like a part
of you.  Then, they get too small, and your parents buy you new ones.  Maybe it's
just me... but I kind of miss the old pair.  

Jack and I are going bike riding down to the park today.  I want to ask him more
questions about how this all works.  When does it stop hurting?  When does the shaky
feeling in the bottom of your stomach go away?   

I thought about talking to my teacher about all this, but she doesn't understand as
well as other kids do.  The really strange thing I noticed about Jack is that he
seems older now.  He's the same age as me but it's like he grew up all of a sudden. 
He's still fun to be around and stuff but every once in a while, he just sort of 
looks off into space like he's in another world or something.  Then his eyes look sad.
I've caught myself doing the same thing a few times while I'm in school.  One second 
I'm working on a report, and the next I'm staring off into space, and thinking about
the smell of the Christmas tree we had in the house on John Street.  That was a great
Christmas...

It wasn't so much the presents, it was the feeling of warmth with my aunts and uncles
there, and the sparkle in my parent's eyes when they looked at each other and exchanged
gifts.  They were talking with their eyes that morning, but instead of the yelling and
screaming it was more like a happy whisper.  I miss that most of all, I guess.  The
feeling that my mom and dad would always be together and we would always be one big 
happy family.  Lately they pretend things are the way they were when we have visitors...
but it's like a dirty little secret.  That bothers me.  They tell me all the time to be
honest, but lie to everyone by pretending everything is all right.  I guess they don't
want to tell anyone yet.

I'm just really confused I guess...  is this something I just get used to after a while?
It feels like when my Grandpa died ... at first I cried all the  time about it, and then
less as time passed.  Every once in a while it just hits me out of nowhere  -- like garbage
hitting your leg when a gust of wind blows it towards you.  It's there ... then it's gone.

I feel better now that I've written this down.  Maybe I'll look back on this in a few years
and be amazed at how far I've come.  I should share this with Jack... it might help him too.
I guess it's like a bandaid that you put on a cut... it stops the bleeding and lets you heal.

Anyway... I've got to go now.  I think Jack just came over.  Until next time...


  	
					Home