Joe
Client: Joseph L. D.O.B: September 19, 1968 Joe is a fascinating individual whose multi-faceted personality has perplexed many a veteran counsellor. Basically, he's a client who demands a high level of energy and attention and therefore has succeeded in burning out 327 staff over the eight years he has been residing at Kentley. The easiest way for me to describe Joe would be to look at his likes and dislikes, as well as go over what to do and what not to do while in his presence. First; Joe, being a typical hot-blooded French-Canadian male, is a bit of a womanizer. He will seek out a female that catches his eye and basically stick to her like white on rice. Several staff have tried numerous deterrents, both chemical and mechanical, but nothing seems to work. Of particular note was the use of an arousal-triggered mousetrap. Not only was this ineffective, but our superiors found this to be "cruel" and stated: "If you want to keep your job -- find another way!". Joe also has a definite liking; actually a "fetish", if you will, for headgear. Approximately 13,268 times per day he can be heard loudly exclaiming "HAT!" and pointing to his head. DO NOT under any circumstances give in to Joe and allow him to have a hat. This will trigger a series of events that will lead to widespread political turmoil and the end of modern civilization as we know it. Well... maybe not -- but close. Joe will become aggressive towards other staff and clients while wearing or holding a hat. So, please, avoid giving him one at all costs. He also seems to have developed a fixation for eyeglasses, socks, and shoes, whereby; in much the same vein, he will become aggressive while in possession of these articles. Please make sure he does not grab a sock or shoe -- as he will toss it at the nearest client with a sniper's precision. I have witnessed him strike another client with a slightly-soiled Reebok at a range of two miles. The man should be in the military. Joe, to use a politically-correct '90s term, is a "people person". I can't believe I just said that... how cliched, how predictable. Anyway, as I was saying, Joe enjoys being around other humans and upon meeting one, he will wave vigorously and yell "HI!!!" at the top of his lungs. If the object of his greeting is eating, Joe will make a quick beeline towards the person and attempt to convince him to part with some food. Or, if worse comes to worse, he will swipe a tasty morsel with the speed and agility of an owl swooping down on a mouse. Speaking of food, Joe would win any eating contest hands down. I have personally witnessed him polish off 14 plates of spaghetti and proceed to demand more. We have taken Joe to a few "all you can eat" restaurants -- a handful of which are still in business. The few that are still around have added another line to the sign outside: "Unless your name happens to be Joe LeClaire". Joe also enjoys outings with staff such as walks, shopping trips, or treks to the cinema. Staff are advised that; should Joe accompany you on a trip to the grocery store, please have the foresight to find a cashier trained in speedy bagging procedures. If not, Joe will hurl food at the hapless employee -- causing serious bodily harm. One Fortino's cashier is now living with a large orange deeply embedded in her forehead. Sadly, doctors could not remove the citrus after Joe threw it at her and her skull was penetrated. Trust me... it wasn't pretty. Also, keep in mind that anyone's hat is fair game when Joe is out in public. Always keep an eye on him when you take him out -- or an innocent bystander may suddenly find himself hatless! I remember one incident at Eastgate mall where Joe grabbed an elderly man's toupee and loudly yelled "HAT! HAT!". The man was of course embarrassed as the rug-like hairpiece was snatched from his balding head. I apologized to the guy and returned his hair. Later, when the man was out of earshot, I said to Joe: "You know... I think maybe you should have yelled CAT!". In conclusion, Joe can be compared to an onion -- the more time you spend with him, the more his layers are revealed. Also, like an onion, he'll bring tears to your eyes. That's all folks! Home