Client: John D.

D.O.B: July 20, 1961



John is a client that can usually be heard before he is seen.  For example,
loud unearthly howls and thundering footstomps are the first indication
John is around.  Earplugs are recommended if one is planning to be in his
presence -- I prefer the large industrial earmuffs used by airport ground
crews.  These seem to work quite well.



The most common place to find John would be in the kitchen.  He will either
be using the faucet as a public drinking fountain, or may be found
rummaging through cupboards in search of his obsession -- any and all types
of food.  John will also yank the refrigerator door open, and proceed to
grab any container filled with juice.  For reasons only known to him, he
will pour the juice down the drain.  Perhaps he believes the plumbing is
thirsty.



When John first meets you he will stare deeply into your eyes, begin to
howl loudly, and attempt to bite off a mouthful of skin and flesh from the
back of his hand.  His face will redden, and his eyes will cross, but do
not be alarmed.  To the best of our knowledge, John is not a cannibal.  He
does seem to enjoy our yearly Halloween viewing of "Night of the Living
Dead", though.



John can be considered a dreamer -- as he spends a large portion of his day
in a world where he must flap his hands (biting them at specified times),
howl loudly, and run swiftly down the hallway on tiptoe.  Of course, any
scrap of food will snap his back to the real world -- long enough to grab
it, that is.



As a gesture of affection, John will grab both your hands and place them on
his head.  He seems to enjoy having his follicles rubbed.  It is my
considered opinion that he believes this will prevent future balding.



Another aspect of John's behavior I'd like to discuss would be his
communication skills.  John makes swishing, whistling sounds akin to the
sound of a strong wind rustling leaves during a storm.  Depending on his
mood, the volume of swishes changes.  He is also quick to blame others for
his wrongdoing.  For example, when asked who poured the last jug of
strawberry-papaya-pineapple-tutti-fruiti-chocolate-lemon-lime-grape Kool
Aid down the sink, he will flap his hands, wiggle his fingers, and loudly
yell: "YOU! YOU! YOU!".  He will then turn and run briskly to the living
room on tiptoe.



John also enjoys outings to malls, parks, and especially restaurants.  If
the management asks whether or not the clients would like a tour of the
kitchen, I advise to politely decline.  The last time John toured a kitchen
at our local Taco Bell, he caused such a mess that the place had to close
down for two months to re-order tonnes of food, and to clean the facilities
from floor to ceiling.  It seems John got a hold of the "Cheese Sauce Gun"
and sprayed every square inch of the kitchen.  Upon careful consideration,
I believe he thought is was an innovative interior decorating technique. 
To say nothing of what he did with the soft drink dispensers.


In conclusion, John's world seems to revolve around food.  Our kitchen
here at Kentley is locked up tighter than Fort Knox -- with large chains
around the cupboards, 24 hour video surveillance, and killer guard dogs. 
Nothing seems to stop him; when it comes to stealing food, John is a master
criminal.


  	
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