That Don't Impress Me Much ~ the Sally Po version
A songfic by Orla

***

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. Original lyrics by Shania Twain,
adjusted by me.

***

Sally slammed her hand down on the bar table making it wobble. "Wufei, is it totally impossible for you to be _pleasant_ for one night?" She demanded suddenly.

The others, who had all been involved in another conversation, swivelled around. Duo tapped Hilde on the shoulder. "What's up?" He asked her.

Hilde rolled her eyes. "Oh Wufei's just being... ummm..."

"Bad tempered and rude?"

"That just about covers it." Hilde agreed.

"But only just." Relena murmured.

"And obviously Sally's had enough." Trowa observed.

Anxious to avoid bloodshed, Quatre stepped in to try and make peace. "Please, Sally and Wufei... Can't we just have an enjoyable evening together?"

Wufei raised his eyebrows. "Why are you telling me? Tell that woman that she's overreacting!"

Sally's eyes narrowed. "Why you..."

Quatre looked distressed. "Wufei..."

"Ooh, a karaoke machine!" Catherine cried out in an effort to help the blond Arabian. "Heero, come and sing with me!"

"N-nani?"

Although Catherine didn't succeed in getting Heero on stage, the distraction worked and for a time war was avoided. Until...

"Sally, do you want a turn?" Relena asked as she finished her duet with Hilde.

Sally opened her mouth to say no, and then paused as she glanced through the song book provided, a smirk flickered over her face and she took the microphone from Relena. "Alright. If you two will help me as back-up singers."

Relena glanced uneasily at Hilde who shrugged. "Fine with me," said Hilde.

On the stage, Sally cleared her throat. "I'm dedicating this song to my partner, Chang Wufei." She said in a loud voice.

Duo nudged Wufei. "You lucky guy! He said with a grin. "Looks like Sally's gonna sing you a love song."

Wufei was embarrassed and hid it with a sneer. "I hope not... I despise that sort of sentimental mush."

Heero looked at Sally's face. "Somehow I don't think it's going to be sentimental." He observed as the music began to play.

Sally held up the microphone and began to sing:

 

//I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty smart
But you've got being -arrogant- down to an art
You think you're -perfect- -you drive me up the wall
You're a regular -chauvinist and- a know-it-all//

 

Wufei spat out his drink. "What the hell...?"

Quatre's jaw dropped. "Oh dear..."

Trowa flicked through the song book. "I believe she's changed the lyrics."

Duo was laughing hysterically. "You don't say..."

Hilde and Relena joined in:

 

//Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else//

 

Sally tilted her head and regarded Wufei with a scornful expression on her
face.

 

//Okay, so you're -a Gundam pilot-
That don't impress me much!//

//So you got the -justice- but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much.//

 

Wufei was red in the face. "_alright_?? ALRIGHT?!!"

Duo roared with laughter. "OI, Wu-man... are you not giving Sally want she wants?"

Wufei ground his teeth. "Heero, I need to borrow your gun."

He got no reply and when he looked around, he saw why... Heero's shoulders were shaking and there was a definite grin on his face.

Sally launched into the next verse with a vengeance:

 

//I never knew a guy who -had a temper like a rocket-
-And never let a happy smile cross his face-
And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughtta lock it
'Cause -Nataku- forbid it should fall outta place!//

 

Wufei reached up and quickly took off the band that held his hair back. As the black mass swung free he scowled. "I do not use _gel_!" He yelled. Even Quatre succumbed to the laughter now, and Trowa was openly smiling. Catherine was holding her sides and Hilde was struggling to sing through her giggles.

 

//Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else//

 

However, Sally continued to sing steadily, dancing a little in time to the music and occasionally pointing at Wufei.

 

//Okay, so you're -a martial artist-
That don't impress me much

So you got the -moves- but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much//

 

Furious, Wufei leapt to his feet. "Woman! Stop singing these lies! This is injustice!!"

Duo and Catherine both grabbed him by the arms and pulled him forcefully back into his seat.

"C'mon, Wufei... relax!" Catherine giggled. "It's just a bit of fun."

"And your expense!" Duo snickered.

Wufei glared at them both horribly. Surely things couldn't get any worse...

Sally's smirk turned positively evil as she began the next verse:

 

//You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine
-You'd rather kill me- before you let me get in
I can't believe you kiss your -Gundam- good night
C'mon baby tell me-you must be jokin', right!//

 

Duo collapsed on the floor. Quatre stared at Wufei. "You didn't..."

"I NEVER KISSED MY GUNDAM!!" Wufei screamed.

Everyone looked at him disbelievingly.

 

//Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you've got a -sword-
That don't impress me much//

 

Sally sashayed up to Wufei and jabbed a finger at him.

 

//So you got the -gear- but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don't impress me much//

 

Wufei made a grab for her, but she laughed skipped out of reach, her eyes sparkling.

 

//You think you're -strong- but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold, lonely night
That don't impress me much//

 

"That's a definite message," Duo wheezed, trying to get his breath back. "She's not getting what she wants from you, Wu."

Wufei ground his teeth. "I'll show her..." he growled.

Sally put a hand on her hip and posed provocatively, one eyebrow raised as she delivered the last set of lines:

 

//Okay, so what do you think you're -Jet Li- or something...
Whatever
That don't impress me//

 

Quatre eyed Wufei. "I really don't think he sees the humour in it..." he muttered. "What do you think Trowa?"

"I think we won't be seeing Sally for breakfast tomorrow morning." Trowa said mildly as Wufei slowly got out of his seat and advanced on Sally, his black eyes glinting.

Heero nodded. "Hai."

Duo blinked. "What, he needs to prove his manhood now?" He shook his head. "Come on, it was just a bit of teasing!"

Wufei grabbed Sally by the wrists and pulled her to him.

A slight smile flickered over Heero's face. "Teasing to us, maybe. But Wufei won't see it that way." He said as they watched Wufei pick up the protesting Sally and carry her away.

Hilde looked speculative. "I wonder how easily I could modify the lyrics so
that they apply to Duo..." she mused.

***
fini