"Tell me if you think this is funny." -Josh



CJ: The press says it's charming, sleek and often times witty - not at all unlike myself.
(The War at Home)

Josh: I believe I would eat that book before I read it.
(In Exclesis Deo)

CJ: The theme of the Egg Hunt is learning is delightful and delicious - as, by the way, am I.
(Let Bartlet Be Bartlet)

Josh: I’ve been subpoenaed.
Mrs. Landingham: I’m sorry, dear. Would you like a cookie?
(Lord John Marbury)

Ainsley: Oh, I just want to die.
Leo: This is the White House, you get used to that feeling.
(And It's Surely To Their Credit)

Ainsley: I get sick when I drink too much.
Leo: I get drunk when I drink too much.
(In This White House)

CJ: The more photo-friendly of the two turkeys gets a Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's petting zoo; the other one gets eaten.
POTUS: If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch.
(Shibboleth)

Leo: True or false, if I were to stand on high ground in Key West with a good pair of binoculars I'd be as informed as I am right now.
Josh: That's true.
Leo: The intelligence budget's money's well spent, isn't it?
(Pilot)

Toby: For God's sakes, forget about the journey. The voyage is not our problem.
C.J.: What's our problem?
Toby: What to do when the Nina, the Pinta, and the Get Me the Hell Outta Here hit Miami.
(Pilot)

Sam: About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Toby: Really?
Sam: Yes.
Toby: You accidentally slept with a prostitute.
Sam: Call girl.
Toby: Accidentally.
Sam: Yes.
Toby: I don't understand, did you trip over something?
(Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc)

Josh: A couple of things for you to bear in mind. First of all, he didn't know she was a call girl when he slept with her. He didn't pay her. He didn't participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter, unethical, amoral, or suspect.
C.J.: Okay. A couple things for you to bear in mind. None of that matters on Hard Copy!
Josh: You're overreacting.
C.J.: Am I.
Josh: Yes.
C.J.: As women are prone to do.
Josh: That's not what I meant.
C.J.: That's always what you mean.
Josh: You know what, C.J., I think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkely shiksa feminista! (beat) Well that was way too far.
C.J.: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitest Harvard fascist missed-the-Dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row yankee jackass!!
Josh: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?
C.J.: I'm a whole new woman.
Josh: You look like a million bucks, by the way.
C.J.: Don't try to make up with me.
(A Propotional Response)

Screaming Girls: We love you Josh!!
C.J.: It helps not to know him!
(Five Votes Down)

Bartlet: We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah! I could even act as a guide! What do you think?
Josh: Good a place as any to dump your body.
Bartlet: What was that?
Josh: Did I say that out loud?
(Enemies)

C.J.: (after the press briefing) Set fire to the room. Do it now.
(The Short List)

C.J.: What's your Secret Service code name?
Sam: They just changed them.
C.J.: I know. What's yours.
Sam: Princeton.
C.J.: Mine's Flamingo.
Sam: That's nice.
C.J.: No it's not nice.
Sam: The flamingo's a nice-looking bird.
C.J.: The flamingo's a ridiculous-looking bird.
Sam: You're not ridiculous-looking.
C.J.: I know I'm not ridiculous-looking.
Sam: Any way for me to get out of this conversation?
(In Exclesis Deo)

Josh: Where are you going?
Bartlet: A place called Rare Books. You know what they sell?
Josh: Fishing tackle?
Bartlet: Funny boy.
(In Exclesis Deo)

Al: Toby, you're smiling.
Toby: I just figured out who you were.
Al: He's going to say satan.
Toby: No. You're the guy who runs into the 7/11 to get Satan a pack of cigarettes.
(20 Hours in LA)

Bartlet: You know what I would like to have happen right now?
(Josh enters)
Bartlet: Josh coming into the room wasn't even close.
(He Shall, From Time to Time..)

Leo: C.J., you should -- Where is C.J.?
C.J.: (comes up behind him) Right here. Sorry.
Leo: You should wear a bell around your neck, you know that?
(The Short List)

Bartlet: C.J., look.
C.J.: Don't start with me, Mr. President.
Bartlet: I was helping pass the time, I was being entertaining as well as instructive.
C.J.: I'm back in America now; I have rights. I'm no longer belted down next to the passenger from hell.
Leo: Welcome back, Mr. President.
Bartlet: Leo, what are you doing here?
Leo: I needed a minute, sir. How was the flight.
Bartlet: It was great.
C.J.: It was gruesome. If you'll look out the left side of the cabin you'll see the fjords. Then we got a history of the fjords. Then we got a quiz on the fjords. Do you have any idea how much I'd like to dress you up in lederhosen and drop-kick you into a fjord?
(Take This Sabbath Day)

C.J.: Josh.
Josh: What the hell happened?
C.J.: I had woot cawwal.
Josh: What happened to your cheeks?
C.J.: I had woot cawwal.
Josh: Why are you talking like that?
C.J.: I had woot cawwal!
Josh: Yeah, I heard you the first time. I was just amusing myself.
C.J.: I can suggest some other things you can do with yourself.
Josh: Are you in pain?
C.J.: I had woot cawwal!
Josh: You're going to have to stop saying that because you just look and sound so ridiculous.
(Celestial Navigation)

C.J.: You get hostwile!
Josh: I get "hot stuff"?
(Celestial Navigation)

Danny: How you doing, Mrs. Landingham?
Mrs. Landingham: Fine, thank you, Danny.
Danny: You keep glancing over like you're afraid I'm going to steal something.
Mrs. Landingham: No. I'm just not used to having members of the print media in here.
Danny: I'll try not to get ink on the furniture.
Mrs. Landingham: Aw, Danny. And I was just about to offer you a cookie.
Danny: And now?
Mrs. Landingham: No.
(The White House Pro-Am)

Sam: It's my day of jubilee.
Mallory: I despise you and everything you stand for.
Sam: All right, my day was a little bit better a few seconds ago but that's all right.
(Six Meetings Before Lunch)

Margaret: Hey, Toby.
Toby: Hey there, Margaret.
Margaret: Are you okay?
Toby: Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Margaret: You don't usually say "Hey there, Margaret."
Toby: What do I usually say?
Margaret: You usually growl something inaudible.
Toby: Not today.
Margaret: I see.
Toby: You, on the other hand, should turn that frown upside down.
Margaret: I'm sorry?
Toby: Let a smile be your umbrella, Margaret.
Margaret: Okay now you're scaring the crap out of me, Toby.
Toby: (sings) Grey skies are gonna clear up -- Hey, Bobby -- Put on a happy face -- Hi, Janet.
(Six Meetings Before Lunch)

Bartlet: "When in company put not your hands to any part of the body not usually covered."
C.J.: Well, I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President.
(Six Meetings Before Lunch)

Zoey and Charlie enter Josh's office to talk. Josh enters while they're talking
Charlie: Zoey, I work in the White House with some of the smartest people in the world.
(Josh goes to sit down on his chair and falls on the floor)
(What Kind of Day Has it Been?)

Bartlet: You're not going to spoil my good time for me.
Mrs. Landingham: Oh, sir, I think we both know from experience that's not true.
Bartlet: Yeah.
Mrs. Landingham: You need to be in the car ten minutes ago, Mr. President.
Bartlet: Do you see me walking out the door?
Mrs. Landingham: No, I see you standing and arguing with a senior citizen.
(What Kind of Day Has it Been?)

Leo: Seventeen across. Yes. Seventeen across is wrong. You’re spelling his name wrong. What’s my name? My name doesn’t matter. I’m just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I’m telling you, I’ve met with the man twice, and I’ve recommended a preemptive Exocet Missile attack against his airforce. So, I think I know how to…
CJ: Leo!
Leo: [he looks at the phone, then hangs up] They hang up on me. Every time.
CJ: That’s almost hard to believe.
(Pilot)

Joey: Joshua Lyman, you have the cutest little butt in professional politics.
Josh: Kenny, really, that better been her talking.
Joey: I'm here.
Josh: Where the hell you been?
Joey: My plane had mechanical difficulties.
Josh: This is the State of the Union. There was nothing you could do about it?
Joey: No. Because as a child I never paid attention during airplane mechanics class.
(Bartlet's 3rd State of the Union)

Toby: Where's Josh?
C.J.: He went back to the phone banks.
Toby: Is the electricity back on?
C.J.: No.
Toby: Then what's he doing there?
C.J.: Hoping the electricity goes back on.
Toby: Well that oughta do it.
(The War At Home)

Leo: He's stopping by on his way from the thing. How're you doing Ainsley?
Ainsley: I'm concerned about peeing on your carpet.
Leo: Okay. Well now I am too.
(The War At Home)

POTUS: Why were you in the closet?
Ainsley: I had to pee.
POTUS: They won't let me smoke inside but you can pee in Leo's closet.
(The War At Home)

Leo: All right, shut the hell up, everybody. I've fired more people than you before breakfast.
Leo: Andrew Jackson ... in the main foyer of the White House had a big block of cheese. The block of cheese was huge ...
C.J.: Leo, who made these assignments?
Leo: I think this will go faster if I'm not interrupted, don't you?
C.J.: I'm meeting with the Organization of Cartographers for Social Equality?
Margaret: Yes.
C.J.: What do mapmakers have to do with social equality?
Leo: I guess you're about to find out.
C.J.: Well, probably not, because I won't really be listening to them.
(Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail)

Leo: The Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee has ...
Josh: There's a Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee?
Leo: Yes.
Josh: Made up of members of the There-But-For-The-Grace-of-God-go-I Club?
Leo: You wanna mock people or let me talk to Toby?
Josh: I wanna mock people.
(Galileo)

Donna: We have colonized Puerto Rico and they will rise up against us.
Josh: I think we can take 'em.
Donna: That's what we said about the British.
Josh: We took the British.
Donna: You know what I'm saying.
Josh: Hardly ever.
(Galileo)

Charlie: Modern music is cool.
POTUS: Modern music sucks. Anything written after 1860 sucks.
Charlie: 'Samuel Barber, Symphony No. 2.'
POTUS: Sucks.
Charlie: 'Stravinsky, Variations on a Theme.'
POTUS: Sucks.
Charlie: 'Schoenberg, Enlightened Night for String Orchestra.'
POTUS: Totally blows.
(Galileo)

Josh: I'm on hold. I'm on hold. I'm in some hellish hold world of holding.
Donna: Josh.
Josh: I'm on hold.
Donna: They'll call us and tell us when the power's back on.
Josh: They did call.
Donna: And?
Josh: I'm on hold.
Donna: I'll wait with you.
Josh: That'll be a lot of fun.
(The War At Home)

POTUS: Mrs. Landingham, can I look at a copy of the Thanksgiving proclamation?
Mrs. L: Sir, why don't you use the intercom?
POTUS: Cause ...
Mrs. L: Cause you don't know how to use the intercom.
POTUS: I was standing at the door.
Mrs. L: Maybe after the ceremony, you could get one of the fourth graders to come in and show you how to use the intercom.
(Shibboleth)

Josh: Could you possibly get us some dried leaves?
Donna: Yeah, I'll just run out to the forest and be right back.
Sam: You know what?
Josh: You think she's being sarcastic?
Sam: Yeah, I don't think she's getting the leaves.
Josh: You know what we could use?
Sam: Newspaper?
Josh: See, this is what I'm talking about! This is teamwork!
(The Leadership Breakfast)

Josh: Hey… you should have seen Toby.
Sam: He was good?
Josh: He blew the doors off the place. Then… I almost got killed.
Sam: How?
Josh: I got hit with a piece of banana.
Toby: Let's go.
Josh: You know what you are? You're old school, my friend.
Toby: Stop talking like that. Let's go.
Josh: Let me tell you something else: that was the second time this year I almost got killed, and both times I was with you, so you're gonna need a new wingman.
Toby: You were my old wingman?
Josh: Yeah.
(Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail)

CJ: I needed to tell someone, a cohort, someone with a criminal mind similar to mine. [Cut to Donna]
(The Stackhouse Filibuster)

Zach: You mind if I give you a suggestion that may make this go faster?
CJ: Sure.
Zach: If you dunk the suspect in a deep well of water, and they drown, it means they're not a witch.
CJ: All right, that's it!
Zach: I saw Lizzie Proctor speaking with the devil!
CJ: Shut up!
(Bad Moon Rising)

Margaret: Can I - can I just say something for the future?
Leo: Yeah.
Margaret: I can sign the President's name. I have his signature down pretty
good.
Leo [looking up at her for the first time]: You can sign the President's
name?
Margaret: Yeah.
Leo: On a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else.
Margaret: Yeah! [On Leo's look of disbelief] Or. . .do you think the White
House Counsel would say that was a bad idea.
Leo: I think the White House Counsel would say it was a coup d'etat!
Margaret: Well. I'd probably end up doing some time for that.
Leo: I would think. And what the hell were you doing practicing the President's
signature?
Margaret: It was just for fun.
Leo: We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret
vetoing things and sending them back to the Hill.
(In The Shadow of Two Gunmen, Part II)

Sam: A small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the New World where they could worship according to their own beliefs... and solve crimes.
Toby: Sam...
Sam: It'd be good.
Toby: Read the thing.
Sam: By day, they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs and by night, they solve crimes.
Toby: Read the thing.
Sam: Pilgrim detectives.
Toby: Do you see me laughing?
Sam: I think you're laughing on the inside.
Toby: Okay.
Sam: With the big hats.
Toby: Give me the speech.
(Shibboleth)

CJ: Okay, it's show time guys. I've observed you under a number of conditions, and this is the final. I don't want you wigging out in the President's face I just don't like the photo, so...You both did fine. Troy, I want you know it was neck-and-neck but I'm giving it to Eric. You were in it right to the end but it's the flapping thing you've got going on. I tell you what's of some concern to me, had I been talking out loud this whole time, that's very unsettling.
(Shibboleth)

Leo: He rode his bicycle into a tree, CJ, what do you want me to say- ‘The President, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop’?
(Pilot)

Donna: 'The process by which a stamp enters into circulation begins with the American people.'
Josh: What?
Donna: Are you even listening?
Josh: No.
Donna: Do you want to do this or not?
Josh: I don't.
Donna: I did index cards.
Josh: How many?
Donna: 87.
Josh: Reduce it to 3.
Donna: Philately's fun, Josh.
Josh: I'm sorry. What's fun?
Donna: Philately ... stamp collecting.
Josh: Careful how you say that cause...
Donna: Can we work?
Josh: Tell me what you know.
Donna: The process by which a stamp enters circulation begins with the American Public ...
Josh: Well, that's always our first mistake.
Donna: 'About 50,000 proposals a year are submitted to the Citizens' Stamp Advisory Committee, the acronym for which is...'
Josh: Dork squad?
(Galileo)

Leo: Andrew Jackson had a two-ton block of cheese...
Josh: And a Wheat Thin the size of Lake Tahoe.
(Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail)

Josh: Victory is mine! Victory is mine! Great day in the morning people. Victory is mine!
Donna: Good morning Josh.
Josh: I drink from the keg of glory, Donna. Bring me the finest bagels and muffins in the land.
Donna: It's going to be an unbearable day.
(Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc)

Sam: Where are you going?
Josh: Where are you going?
Sam: I was following you.
Josh: I was following you. All right, don't tell anyone this happened, ok?
(Five Votes Down)

Josh: Are his glands swollen?
C.J.: Damn.
Josh: What.
C.J.: You know what I forgot to do today?
Josh: What?
C.J.: I forgot to feel the President's glands.
(He Shall, From Time to Time..)



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