Title: Fish Nor Fowl
Author: Marguerite 
Rating: PG for one or two slightly naughty words
Category: Post-Episode
Keywords: Josh/Donna friendship.
Spoilers: "The Portland Trip" with premonitions
of "Noel" but no actual spoilers for that ep.
Author's note: I saw "The Portland Trip" a few nights ago
for the first time (::waves at Jori and Kim with thanks for
the tape::) and yes, I wanted to slap Josh silly. He
apologized, in his own Joshway, but I think he needed to
apologize MORE. I love fanfic. 

With grateful thanks to Ryo Sen, Jill Kirby, and Anna for
their timely and honest beta reading.

***Josh Lyman's apartment 12:45 a.m.

There was no one to call. Josh hated that feeling, the sensation 
that a thousand supernovas were running through his bloodstream 
and that he'd explode if he couldn't find an outlet for all his
energy. 

Usually he'd just pick up the phone and go from
there - call Sam and drag him from his unnaturally tidy
environment to some hole-in-the-wall where the beers were
ice cold and the ambiance was so noisy that they could talk
about state secrets yet not be overheard. 

On the rare occasions where Sam blew him off, he could phone CJ. 
Josh was one of the few people who knew her secret predilection
for dancing, and he enjoyed whisking her away to a place
where they could burn off their excess energies without consequence.

But CJ and Sam were in the friendly night skies, unavailable
for a conference in the flesh, and that was what he needed
after his long ordeal at the White House.

He considered calling Leo and asking, again, if he'd like
some coffee. Poor guy. Josh had never felt any particular
fondness for Jenny, who on her part had never shown him any
particular fondness, either. Nonetheless, he knew Leo loved
her deeply and was feeling a renewed sense of loss. But he'd
said "no," and when Leo said  "no" it didn't mean "please
talk me out of it," it meant "no."

There were others, guys from Congress or their aides, people
with whom he had started hanging around for political
expedience only to find that he had a genuine appreciation
for their company. Matt Skinner was one of those guys, but
Josh had burned a few bridges earlier in the evening, then
scattered the ashes just to make sure.

"If this had been an actual emergency, you would've been
instructed to contact Toby Ziegler and get the ass-kicking
you so deeply deserve," Josh muttered, setting down the
phone again when he remembered that Toby was off with CJ andSam.
Ass-kicking? Where the hell did that come from?

With a sudden flash, an epiphany that sang like a chorus of
angels - if angels tended to blow raspberries during their
chants - Josh knew why his subconscious was bubbling to the
surface and demanding that his posterior be kicked, andhard.
Donna. Usually his first call. Just...not after tonight.
Good God. What had he said to her? Something about being
coupled up, and self-worth, something that made her face
melt, that made the Donna-spark vanish from her eyes like a
match extinguished by ice water. But he couldn't remember what 
he'd said.

He stopped pacing. It was happening more often now, the tendency to 
let loose with verbal outbursts that left him stunned afterwards,
unable to remember the words or why he'd said them.

"Oh, man," Josh said aloud, rubbing his temples with the
knuckles of his index fingers. "Just how badly did I screw this up?"

Something he remembered with crystal clarity was Leo,
sitting on the sofa right here in Josh's living room about a
month before Josh had been allowed to return to work. Leo
had proven his political craftiness by sending Donna on a
spurious but important-sounding errand. It bought enough
time for the two guys to share Leo's contraband -
overstuffed Reuben sandwiches from the only decent deli in the 
entire D.C. area.

Over their sandwiches and half-sour pickles they'd swapped
Margaret and Donna stories, laughing, but then Leo had turned serious.

"It's one thing to kid around with them a little, Josh, but
you have to know there's a line and you can't step over it.
You have to make sure you don't hurt these women, ever." Leo
had leaned forward, holding a sauerkraut-dampened hand just
shy of Josh's arm. 

"They're women of valor, Josh. Don't forget that."

"Beyond rubies," Josh had whispered, remembering the long,
horrible nights when Donna was his only link to sanity in a
world of shock and agony and helplessness.

Tonight Donna had been dressed like a ruby, and he had humiliated her.

"You're a schmuck," he said to his reflection in the window
as he considered picking up the phone.

"You're a schmuck and a coward," he amended, lifting his
chin and staring himself down.

Without a second thought, he grabbed his keys and headed out
the door. His car radio was tuned to NPR and they were
interviewing someone about Seasonal Affective Disorder. Josh
groaned and turned the radio off with a sharp snap of his
wrist. 

"Give me a break," he muttered into the chilly night
air. Seconds later he realized that he'd forgotten to grab
his coat on the way out. "Serves me right."

Traffic was light, and he was at Donna's apartment before he
had time to talk himself out of it. Fortune was smiling on
him, he thought, noticing that Miranda's car wasn't in the
space next to Donna's. Her roomate's new boyfriend must be working 
out.

So Donna got to witness Miranda's happiness every day of her life. 
Ouch.He craned his neck, counting windows. Her living room light
was still on. It was a good sign, he thought. Then he
thought it was a bad sign because surely, surely she'd have
gone to bed by now unless she felt the need to sit on the
sofa, eat ice cream, and brood.

Josh shifted in the seat, pulling his phone out of his
pocket. Taking a deep breath, Josh punched her number on the
speed-dial that she had programmed for him. The phone rang
once, twice, and then he heard her voice, thick with
exhaustion. 

"Josh, I said I'd call you in the morning."

"Yeah. Thanks. Hey, Donna - could you do me a favor?"

She paused. "Don't make me come in to the office. I've had a
couple drinks and I really shouldn't drive."

A couple? Were they the ones she'd had with dinner, or had
there been more when she got home? Josh shook the thought
out of his head as he got out of the car. "Nah, this one's
easy. Go to your living room window and look out."

"If this is some sick variation on 'what are you wearing,'
Josh..." He heard her walking toward the window and saw her
silhouette against the mini blinds. "Okay, what am I looking for?"

"You're looking," Josh said slowly, running his free hand
through his hair, "for a complete asshole who wants to apologize."

There was a catch in her voice. "I think I see one. Some
dork who doesn't wear a coat in the winter."

"Yeah, that's the one." He waited next to the car, stamping
his feet to ward off the bitter chill, his heart beating
fast enough to make him dizzy.

"Come up before you freeze to death. I'll buzz you in."

Josh took the stairs two at a time, trying to burn off the
hyperactivity but succeeding only in getting winded. He
leaned over, his palms on his thighs, and was still catching
his breath when the door opened.

"Josh, what the hell?"

"I'm fine...ran too fast..." Josh gulped for air and looked
up. Donna was in her bathrobe, a ridiculously oversized
green terrycloth monstrosity, and he could see navy blue
flannel at her wrists and ankles. 

"You were going to bed, weren't you?"

"Not yet. I was just...thinking. Here." She took his elbow
and pulled him into the living room, shutting the door and
fastening all the locks, the largest of which had been
installed at Josh's insistence. 

"So. About the asshole who wanted to grovel."

"Apologize."

"Groveling works better," Donna insisted. Her smile was strained.
Josh tucked his chin to his chest, looking at Donna through
half-mast eyes. 

"Remember the UFO guy Sam talked to at one of his cheese meetings 
our first year? I think you'd better call him up 'cause Josh 
Lyman was abducted by aliens and this pod person guy took over his
body. Turned him into a real moron who says mean things to his 
assistant that the real Josh has to apologize for in the middle of
the night."

"I'll take that under advisement." Donna's arms were crossed
and she lowered her head, her hair falling in front of her
face so that Josh couldn't read her expression.

"Donna, look, I'm really sorry. That was way outta line,even for me."

"I didn't deserve that," Donna whispered. "You hurt my
feelings tonight. I don't mind when you joke, but you meant
what you said and that hurt me."

"To tell the truth, I don't remember what I said. I opened
my mouth and some crap came out, and the next thing I knew
you had such a..." He waved his hands in front of his face."I'm sorry."

"It's just that I had a really lousy week and I didn't need
your pop psychology lesson on top of...well, the other stuff."

Josh watched her as she pulled the sash on her bathrobe
tighter. Beyond where Donna was standing were her bookcases,
and among the books and photographs were greeting cards. One
had a big, pink cake on the front, with yellow glitter serving 
as candle flames.

"Donna. It's November."

"Yeah, and you really should wear a coat, you know 
that?"

"Your birthday..."

"...was two days ago," she finished for him. "Don't worry
about it, Josh. I didn't put it on your calendar."

He winced as another layer of guilt settled on his
shoulders. 

"You never do, but Ginger or Margaret always
reminds me. Not that I remember, anyway, and whatever you
get usually comes from CJ, who sends me the bill along with
a note about what a thoughtless, arrogant oaf I am."

Donna's face still bore the remnants of makeup, but there
were dark smudges of mascara beneath her eyes and the blush
on her cheeks had long, thin streaks running through it. She
sat on the arm of the sofa and folded her hands in her lap.

"Donna. Donna, look at me." She wouldn't lift her head so he
crouched in front of her, looking up at her wan face. 

"No one said anything this year. I'd have done something. After
everything you went through for me, you have to know that
I'd have done...something."

"I know," she whispered, her voice choked with tears. She
turned her head, but not before Josh saw a shining drop make
its way down her face. "And don't you guys usually take each 
other out the Friday of your birthday weeks, anyway?" He saw 
another drop, and another, splashing on the sleeve of Donna's robe, 
and he patted her arm. 

"Donna?"

"We don't...hang out much, anymore."

Josh shook his head, remembering peals of bright laughter
whenever the assistants were together in the mess. "None of
you? Did something happen?"

"The others still hang out, Josh. Just...not with me. Not
since..." She put her hands over her face. "Gimme a second, okay?"

He'd only been back at work for a few weeks and he strained
to remember the last time Ginger had dropped by for a chat
with Donna, or when he'd seen any of them eating with her in
the mess, but all he could remember was Donna spooning
yogurt out of a cup at Josh's desk, claiming that she wanted
to read for a while before getting back to work and that
she'd rather not be interrupted.

Remorse took a back seat to a sudden, white-hot anger.

"Donna, if this is because of those nights you stayed at my
place when I got home from the hospital..."

"It's not about that. Well, it's not only about that." She
took a deep breath and wiped her eyes with her fingertips
before turning back to him. "No one thought we were doing
anything inappropriate, Josh. I mean, you could hardly hold
up the telephone to talk to anyone, much less--"

"Yeah, let's stay away from 'much less,' please. Those three
months were bad enough without massacring my ego." He was
still angry, holding it in check lest he say something that
could cause Donna any more pain. 

"So, if that's not it, what's this about?"

"You know that I was the only assistant they let into the hospital,
right?"

"Well, I was the only boss in the hospital. Not counting the
President, of course." 

"Of course," Donna echoed, and Josh was relieved to 
see a ghost of a smile on her face. 

"They were okay with that - I mean, if it'd been CJ, they'd have
let Carol be there, right?" She waited, shivering, and let Josh run his hand
gently up and down her arm. 

"I don't even think they minded when the President put me on a 
fully-paid leave of absence while you were in the hospital, or that
no one made me punch out when I went to see you during the day or
drove you to physical therapy once you got home."

The anger dissipated a little, but the guilt returned
full-force. "That was above and beyond the call, Donna. So
what didn't they like?"

She glanced away from him for a moment before looking back
into his eyes. 

"You remember when you first got home, I wasn't letting anyone from
the office visit you. They'd come to your office to ask me how you
were, and they'd stay to talk." Donna's eyes brightened and her tone
lost its wistful quality as she continued. 

"CJ would say I looked tired, and would I like to get some coffee, or
Sam would cancel a meeting and make me go have lunch with him. A
couple of times, Toby came by and pretended he was on his way somewhere
else, but he'd always leave a book or magazine for me, or those cheese
things I like from the mess, something like that. He'd just put it on
the desk while we were talking and then walk away."

"So...they're jealous because the senior staff was nice to you?"

"No," Donna said, her voice hesitant and soft once again,
"but I think that was the start of the problem. It got to
where we'd be together outside of work. Sam took me rowing
on the Potomac a couple of times, and CJ and I went to a spa
together and had our nails done. Toby - well, Toby kind of
skulked around, but whenever CJ and Sam and I went for a
drink, Toby would come, too. We got to be friends, Josh, not
just work acquaintances, and they treated me as if I'm their equal."

"But you are--"

"They're educated, Josh. They have law degrees and Masters'
degrees, and I'm a college dropout. I have less education
than anyone working as a senior staff member's assistant,
did you know that? Carol's ABD at Georgetown, for God's
sake, and she'll finish in the spring. But I'm the one going
to CJ's hairdresser. I don't blame her for thinking I'm
getting...you know...above my station."

"Above your station?" Josh's voice went up an octave. "What
is this, 'Upstairs, Downstairs?' "

"What I mean is that it's like that old saying about  being
neither fish nor fowl. And don't laugh at me, Josh," Donna
said, her forehead wrinkling. Josh could see the struggle to hold
back her tears.

"I'm not laughing at you, Donna. I'm laughing at them for
being so damn stupid. Not that I'm not pissed off, and not
that I don't want to tear their arms off and beat them over
the head with the wet stumps, but they're stupid. It's like
that time I took Charlie to a bar by Georgetown and he
obsessed over being the only one not in college. CJ told him
he's a hundred times smarter than anyone in the room, and
she was right. And that applies to you as well."

She blinked at him a few times, her head tilted to one side.

"Donna, you're every inch my equal, even without the degrees
from Harvard and Yale--"

"And the 760 verbal on the SAT, don't forget that," she
chimed in, and Josh was relieved to hear some of the old
Donna in her mocking tones.

"And in matters of conscience, matters of the spirit,
matters of humanity," he began, finding that he had to look
away from her lest her bright-eyed gaze make him lose his
composure, "you are my superior."

He hadn't seen her look so grateful, so moved, since he'd
given her the book on skiing the previous Christmas. And she
hadn't hugged him so hard since that day, either. Josh
smoothed her hair for a moment. 

"I'd like to give you that dress for your birthday, Donna.
You really didlook...incredible." To his surprise, she drew back
from the hug and shook her head. 

"I loved it when I tried it on, but now...I think it'll just make me
think about the lousy date and how mean you were to me and why I
even had time to go out with the guy. But I appreciate the thought."

"Okay, then." Josh smiled at her until she smiled back, and
this time her eyes had the Donna-spark they had been missing
all night. "I hate to shatter the moment. But I've gotta,
you know." He got to his feet, groaning as his knees
creaked, and went into the bathroom.

Hanging on the shower rod was the red dress, the tag
cleverly concealed between the lining and the bodice. Josh
peeked at the price and gasped. How could something so small
cost so much money? And since when did women come in size zero?
The part of his brain that had been on overdrive since the
day he stepped back into his office wanted to make those
snotty hellcats pay, wanted to have them be the ones to
order flowers and pick out a nice dress and arrange dinner
reservations. But he'd just have to wait until CJ got home.
He'd bribe her with drinks and dancing, that's what he'd do.
And if that failed, he'd whine until she gave in.

He heard Donna turn on the radio in her bedroom. Something
soft and sweet, a familiar tune he couldn't quite place.

"I'm about to go to bed, Josh, so hurry up."

"I'm out, I'm out." He washed his hands, carefully avoiding
the sight of his face in the mirror. He found Donna standing
outside the bathroom, smiling at him. 

"See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, 'cause there's nothing in the world I love so much as
spending Saturday at the office."

"Flattery will get you everywhere."

"Get out of my house, Joshua," she said, giving him a
playful shove toward the door. "G'night."

"Night, Donna." Even after the door closed, he could still
hear the melody floating from Donna's apartment. It was a
Christmas carol - already, and here it was the week before
Thanksgiving - and as he reached into his pocket for his
keys he noticed a tremor in his hands.
*** End ***
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