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Title: Fragile
Author: Manda
Notes: This is a Manchester I post-ep. I've been lurking on the lists 
for a while but a friend said I needed to stand up and share with the 
class.
Feedback: Is appreciated at Bellamance@aol.com
Raiting: PG - yes I can write something that's not smut lol...
Summary: They will never understand CJ or her heart. Never understand 
that she makes herself unbreakable so they don't have to be.

*-*-*-*


She could blame it on being tired. Stressed. Over worked; underfed. 
She could blame it on the screaming Press and Carl's ramp up to the 
question. She could blame it on Bizan for taking the embassy, or 
Bartlet for having MS. She could blame it on the hundreds of things 
that had culminated in one massive blinding mistake that could end 
her career. But she didn't.

She felt the full weight of her words begin to smother her, choking 
her so that she couldn't fully explain she'd misspoke, that she hadn't 
meant the President was happy to go to war, that she hadn't meant he 
was relieved. She'd been doing so well, fending off question after 
question, personal accusations, and political fodder. And then without 
thinking she'd spoke, the first time in a week she'd been able to lash 
out at anything other than Oliver Babbish. He had baited her in their 
last meeting, the question about time, and then smacked her down. Carl 
had baited her now, waited for her to break and strain under the 
pressure, and when she'd cracked had been right there to break the 
wound wide open. 

She'd throw something, but fears if she does she won't stop until 
everything in her office is broken. She'd hit something but is afraid 
that once begun she won't cease until she's either physically injured 
herself or someone else. She'd yell but it would only give the jackals 
outside her door even more reason to question her ability and her 
structure. Instead she sits, her knuckles white from clenching her 
fist, her jaw tight from burying her screams and sobs, her stomach 
turning as she imagines the headlines, the news media, and the 
outcome. 

Carol doesn't knock, instead using the emergency key she has to CJ's 
office to open the locked door and slip inside, locking it again.

"Get out." Her voice is raspy and pained as she speaks, still 
fighting to hold in the emotion that has betrayed her today. 

Carol doesn't answer, simply walking over and placing a fresh cup of 
coffee, a bottle of Excedrin, and turkey sandwich on her desk before 
stepping back. CJ eyes the coffee, the pain meds, the food, the 
simple gesture. Her eyes are wet and red when she looks back up to 
Carol, her hands trembling as she buries her face in them and openly 
sobs. She feels Carol's hands slip around her shoulder, pulling her 
close as she lets out everything she's kept buried for a week. The 
betrayal, the death, the stress. This fragile persona she's had to 
keep up plastered over the raging emotion. The phone rings and they 
both ignore it, openly crying now. Someone knocks on the door, once, 
twice, three times, and then walks away. 

For ten minutes Carol holds her as she cries, no words, nothing but 
tears to be shed for the position she's put them in, the position 
she's put herself in. And just as quickly as it began, CJ stops, 
pulling away. Her eyes are fiery red, her face flushed. She shakes 
her head that she can't go on like this and Carol steps away pulling 
a bottle of water out of her small office fridge.  

Under her watchful eye CJ eats half the sandwich, more food than she's 
had in 24 hours, drinks the tepid coffee and swallows three Excedrin's 
with the water. Carol has already pulled out her stash of extra 
makeup and the navy blue suit she picked up from CJ's apartment and 
hands it to her so that she can change. 

With a squeeze of a hand she slips back out of the office so CJ can 
dress, locking it behind her as three pairs of feet shuffle toward 
her. 

"Is she ok?"

"What's going on?"

"What did she say?" Sam, Josh, and Toby demand at once. 

"No."

"She didn't say anything?" Carol shakes her head no and sits at her 
desk. A line from a movie floats through her head, something about a 
woman's heart and the secret's it keeps. The office door opens and 
CJ steps out, her make up perfect, her outfit clean, her face 
composed. 

The three men look at her oddly, waiting for the breakdown, the tears 
and yelling, the same things they want her to do so it justifies 
their own reactions. With a sigh she looks at them, squaring her 
shoulders.

"I screwed up, now let's fix it." She walks past them toward Leo's 
office, preparing herself for the lecture and cursing she knows is 
to come and they watch her walk away calmer than they know they 
should be. Something happened in that office and none of them knows 
what it is, an oddly unsettling feeling. They know their own 
reactions, their own fears, their own anger. For so long she's been 
one of 'them' it never occurred her's would be any different.

Carol watches her walk away, knows that once again CJ has resigned 
herself to the emotionless void of her job, the small outlet of 
emotion enough to get her through the next day. She sees the confused 
looks on the faces of Josh, Sam, and Toby and sighs with resignation. 
They will never understand CJ or her heart. Never understand that she 
makes herself unbreakable so they don't have to be.