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TITLE: Only Time
AUTHOR: Michelle K. (cageygrl@yahoo.com)
CATEGORY: CJ/Josh
RATING: PG-13 
ARCHIVE: If you have some of my other stuff, feel free to have this 
too. New archives - drop me a line first.
SUMMARY: "No one said it would be easy." (post-ep for
'18th and Potomac')
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. Don't sue. Little will be gained.
NOTES: Second attempt at CJ/J. I consider this to be in the same 
universe as 'Upside Down and Falling Fast' (my first attempt at CJ/J) 
so you should read that first.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Are you okay?" Josh asks Donna in a concerned voice. 

It's been an hour since they were all told about Mrs. Landingham; it's 
been about thirty minutes since she
stopped crying. 

"I'm better, Josh," Donna replies, her voice still a little shaky. 
"It's just all getting to me. All of this."

They are silent for a moment, until Josh speaks again. "It's getting to
all of us." 

Josh thinks of CJ and how she looked when they all learned the news. 
The latest news, that is. There's been so much news in the past few 
days that he can swear the world is spinning underneath his feet. 

Maybe they really are going to fall. And maybe he wants CJ to help him
stay on his feet.

Donna picks up on his far-away look, and she senses he can only be 
thinking about one person. 

She knows about CJ and how he loves her. He had spilled his heart out 
to her one night and told her their whole history. He had told her how
they couldn't manage to be a real couple. How they danced in between
friends and lovers so often, it was unclear where exactly they stood. 

Donna had told him that if they loved each other, they could get it 
together. 

And Josh had told her that it wasn't that easy. 

But Donna knows it could be easy now. She knows Josh wants to be with 
her at this moment. And that's what she wants for her friend. "Go,"
she tells him. "Go see her, Josh."

He knows who she means, although she doesn't say her name. They both 
know there is only one woman he should go see. 

"Donna. Are you sure you'll be--?"

"Go," she responds.

He nods. He doesn't feel quite right about leaving Donna. But it feels
even less right to leave CJ alone in her office. 

And, most of all, he wants to see CJ now. 

Josh enters CJ's office without knocking and closes the door behind 
him. It takes a moment for her to react to his presence and, when she 
sees him, she's almost scared that something new has fallen upon them.

But, she realizes that he's not here to make it worse.

He's here to make it better. 

"Josh," she says softly. 

"I wanted to make sure..." 

He stops because the next two words were going to be 'that you're fine.' 
And there can be no assurance that she's fine - at least not one that
will ring true to his ears. 

"I wanted to see you," he says instead, because this is the truth. 
He wants to see her face; he wants to hold her. He wants to be with 
her, whether or not they're fine.

She doesn't say anything as she crosses to him and puts her arms around
him. She lets her head rest on his shoulder.

And this is how they stay for a while. Still and silent, listening to 
each other's breathing to assure them that they're both alive.

She pulls away slightly to look into his eyes. "I'm glad you're here," 
she says, her voice a little faint. "Is Donna any better?"

"Yeah. It all just got to her."

"I can see why." 

It's getting to all of them. It's crawling underneath their skin. 
They're all a little bit more tired, a little bit weaker, a little bit
colder.

They both know this, just by looking at each other. It's written all 
over them, like tattoos. They won't go away, no matter how hard you 
scrub your skin or how long you close your eyes.

It could be painful to see each other this way. But it's the only thing
that's getting them through. Knowing that they both have the same ache.
That they both are gripped by the same pain. That there is no part of 
her or him that will judge the other. 

Maybe this all has simplified what lies between them. Amongst all their 
questions about each other and the future, they can emerge. Because now
they are just two people who love each other - and who are hanging by a
thread.

"You said the fall wasn't going to kill us," she says, "but I feel 
pretty sick."

He stares at her, waiting for her to cry. She doesn't,though. Maybe 
it's because she's cried all see can. Maybe she doesn't want to 
collapse here and now, when so much has to be done. 

"No one said it would be easy," he replies.

"But should it really be this hard? Should every damn bad thing that 
could happen occur in this week?"

She's angry now, but he knows enough to realize that the anger doesn't
lie with him. It lies with everything that's happened. 

"I don't know," he says softly. After a pause he says, "I can't believe
she's gone."

Neither of them dare say her name, for it would make this all too real.
Maybe they need vagaries now; maybe they need to look at this through a
haze to keep it from crushing them. 

They can't really stop and talk about these things. Because if they 
talked, they'd never stop, and that would be of service to no one. 

And this is what they allow themselves. A vague discussion and each 
other. This is what will have to get them through for a while. 

"I don't think anyone will for a long time," she says.

Something comes over him, and he's not sure what. Maybe it's the 
unending expanse of all the bad things that could happen. Maybe it's a
build-up of all the things that have happened in these few days. Or a
build-up of all the things that have happened years before.

But, something comes over him. 

And he cries.

She's never seen him cry, although she's suspected he does it when he's
alone. But, he's crying now. In front of her.

And they both need this. He, to finally release all of the tension 
that's been building inside him; she, to know that he can show every 
part of himself to her. 

She moves her hand to his face, gently rubbing away the tears from his 
cheeks. She kisses him now, tasty some of the salty liquid on her own 
lips.

He's never had this kind of love with Mandy. She was never the type to
share her feelings or care that much about this. He's convinced that if
he ever cried in front of her, she'd walk out of the room. 

He doesn't have this kind of friendship with Donna, even though he 
considers her someone he can trust completely. 

This is something different entirely, but it still isn't complete. 
They're too obsessed with work. They have too many of their own issues. 
But, while it may be only a fraction of a relationship - it's them.
It's messy, it's real, and it's them.

He's still crying, and this surprises even him. If she's surprised, she
doesn't show it. All he sees is affection and love. 

Damn, maybe Donna's right. Maybe this could be easy. Maybe if this 
woman can look at him like this while he's collapsing, the two of them 
can manage anything. 


He clutches to her, burying his head in her neck. He smells her 
perfume, feels the welcoming warmth of her skin. And he sinks 
deeper into her arms.

This feels so right. What he wouldn't give for this to be easy.

"Claude," he breathes softly.

She runs a hand through his hair, then rests her hand at the back of 
his neck. He's shaking only slightly; she should've known he'd be the
type not to give over fully to his tears. He was always the type to 
ignore his own sadness until it was crushing him.

But he's finally letting go now. And she's grateful to be here to hold 
him.

He's been there for her when she's cried; and now she's here for him. 

And she wishes she could've been there all those time she cried alone. 

"I love you," she says.

"I love you," he responds. 'More than you could ever really know,' he 
adds in his head.

It's strange to them to think how long it had been since they had said
these words to each other. It had been months since they had come 
together like this. And, now, in the past couple of weeks, they keep
returning to each other's arms. 

Maybe it's all this darkness that led them to realize how much they 
need to be like this. 

Maybe everything had to fall to let them know whom they can truly run 
to.

No one said it would be easy.

And this would only get more difficult for all of them. 

For these two in particular, it could be a little less difficult. Or 
maybe, if they really tried, it would be a little more difficult.

Only time would tell.

THE END