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TITLE: Talk to Me
AUTHOR: Kathleen (tweetybird5@prodigy.net)
CATEGORY: CJ/Josh
NOTES: This is a sequel to "A Letter to a Friend" Thanks to those who wanted one. :-)
DISCLAIMER: They weren't mine in "A Letter to a Friend" and nothing
has changed since then. If it had, y'all would have heard my son
woohooing all over the place. He's quiet. Got the point? No money
available for lawsuits.
SUMMARY: This is CJ and Josh's conversation which came about as a
result from the note she left on his desk.

*

CJ and Josh ending up walking along the Potomac. It was already dark
and they knew they were probably crazy but it just seemed to be the
right place for now. Their arms were entwined and any unwitting
passerby might surely assume they were lovers. But they were not. They
were the best of friends here to talk, without interruption, about what
was going on in their lives. CJ wanted Josh to do most of the talking
but knew he would eventually get her to open up as well.

"Hey, you can start talking to me anytime you'd like." They were
leaning against the railing, looking both at the water and the stars
in the sky.

"It's beautiful out here, you know that? I mean, we're absolutely
freaking out of our minds for being here this late and when it's this
cold, but it's beautiful." He pulled her closer to him and kissed her
on the forehead. "And so are you."

She looked at him with the usual 'You're out of your mind.' stare.
"Josh, thank you." Thinking about something for a minute, she added,
"And so are you."

"Hey, I am not beautiful. I am handsome, God's gift to women, adorable,
even, but I am not beautiful."

"You are to me and right now, that's who's speaking. There's nobody
around for you to impress. I'm not interested in whether you're God's
gift to women or not. Right here, at this point in time, I'm interested
in the fact that you are my dear friend and, I believe, inside you are
beautiful." She hugged him. "Talk to me."

"Things were going so well for us that night, you know? The President
had practically everyone of those kids ready to register to vote. We
were okay. Toby's brother was safe. You seemed like you were being
nicer to Danny. Things were looking up. Then we go outside and all
hell breaks loose. I didn't even know I was shot at first. It took
a minute to realize it. I just sank down and Toby started yelling
something or other. The next thing I know, I'm remembering Nashua and
Leo and the campaign and my father dying. I thought he was coming to
get me. I wasn't ready to go yet, you know? I wanted to live but
everything hurt so much. And he seemed to be saying something to me,
I just couldn't hear him. Then finally I did. He was telling me to go
back because it wasn't my time. I wasn't finished yet." He had tears
in his eyes but he didn't let them fall. Brushing them away, he began
to walk. CJ joined him. "All that time in the hospital, the nurses
fussing. Donna fussing. God, can she fuss. She's gonna be some kid's
nightmare one day." 

"She's probably gonna your kid's nightmare one day. You two act like
you're married already."

"She's very protective of me. She really helped me through everything
once I got home. The only thing I didn't like was her keeping all of
you away. I missed you all terribly. I was going insane cooped up
inside that apartment with nothing to do but read about physics, not
psychics, as you said on national television, but physics."

"Hey, I corrected that little mistake. I can't help it if you like
banging your head. You didn't give me a chance before you started
banging away. I fixed it."

"How'd you know I banged my head?" He seemed surprised.

"Because, my friend, I know you. And you banged your head the minute I
said psychics on TV. Go back to talking." She was caressing his arm
softly as she spoke.

"It was nice when we were on the steps. I was outside, I was with my
friends. It was nice. Going back to work was great. It really was.
It really helped me, you know. It cleared the cobwebs out of my mind.
People were just freaking me out, though. Some of them thought I was
going to fall apart. I hated being seen like that. Some just felt if
they completely ignored me, then everything would be fine. Others
wondered why we weren't going after the weapons dealers and the NRA.
As if that never occurred to us before. Jesus, what do they take us 
for? Idiots? The NRA is a powerful group, who I might add this
administration has been fighting, and we were suddenly gonna win
against them because I was shot. 'Whoa, one of the President's men
was shot, let's change what we've believed in for decades now, 'cause
Josh Lyman is THAT important.' You know what, CJ, I'm only important
to my friends. Nobody else. Most people could care less what happens
to me. I didn't want to become some statistic. I didn't want to be in
the category 'Number of persons shot in the year 2000' but I am. I
didn't want a lot of things that I now have." He put his face in his
hands and leaned on the railing again. CJ put her arms around him. She
asked for this. She had better be prepared for whatever he was going
to give her.


"You wanna sit down?"

"Sure. But you're gonna freeze your ass off and I'm not coming to take
care of you."

"Yes, you are because that's the kind of guy you are. You'd feel
guilty and you'd bring me soup and whatever else I wanted because
you'd blame yourself and God on high could come and tell you it wasn't
your fault and you'd argue with him."

"Yes, I would. I'm pathetic, aren't I?" He looked directly at her, 
searching her eyes for some hint that she agreed with him.

"NO and don't you even think that. You care. What's wrong with that?
How many people can honestly say that they know, without a doubt, that
their friend would walk into the storm for them? Huh? How many? I can
say that you would. You know why? Because you would. Damnit, Josh,
stop being so hard on yourself. It's okay that you lived." She wasn't
sure how he would take that statement so she stopped to give him time 
to react.

"Twice? It's okay that I lived twice?" He looked tormented. As if his
whole being was about to get torn apart. His eyes were becoming empty,
black holes. She could see him drowning in his own guilt.

"It's not your fault that Joanie died. I know about survivor's guilt,
Josh, I understand. But it wasn't meant for you to die that day.
Nothing that you've accomplished so far would have been done. All your
talent, all your potential, everything would have died with you that
day. It wasn't your time."

"But why was it Joanie's time? I don't understand, CJ, didn't she
have anything to offer the world? Why'd she die? I understand why you 
think I lived but why did she die?" He was in her arms now. She leaned
back a little to accomodate him, running her hands softly through his 
hair.

"I don't know. I know that she gave everything she had till the day
she died but God had a plan for her. She wasn't meant to live a very
long life, Josh, I'm sorry. Maybe the plan was to make you the person
you are today. She's with you, always, I can tell. She influences you.
How much do you want to bet when it is your time to die, that she's
there to show you the way? Because she's not mad at you. She doesn't
hate you, Josh, because you lived and she didn't." He was sobbing now,
so she decided to be quiet. They had plenty of time to talk tonight.

She sat there, watching the ripples in the river, the planes flying
overhead, the stars twinkling, always aware that Josh was still in her
arms and hadn't stopped shaking yet. Finally, he moved back to look at
her.

"She doesn't hate me?" She wiped his tears away gently.

"No, Josh, she loves you. She would be so proud of you." She felt
herself tearing up.
"Leo told me that he prayed that night. He told God that he was pissed
at him because he kept doing stuff like this to me. He felt that God
should make it right by making me okay. Putting me on the path to
healing. He answered him, CJ, because I was okay."

"No, you were physically healed, Josh, not emotionally. Therefore, you
weren't okay. You're on your way there, though. You are so close to
getting there." They rose. It was too cold to stay in one spot, so
they began walking again. Slowly, arm in arm. 

"When I read the pilot's history, the birthday thing stuck out. I
couldn't help it. We had the same birthday, CJ, and that meant
something to me. It reminded me that I had cheated death twice
already. My lives are running out. I'm not a freaking cat, you know.
Eventually, it's gonna be my time." He stopped walking. She didn't
know if she should say what she was thinking or let him work it out
himself. "I'm afraid to die." He sunk down on the cold cement of the
walkway. She knelt down in front of him, wrapping her arms around
him. "I feel so damn guilty because I didn't die, both times, and
yet I'm terrified of dying." He pulled her closer; as if she were
his only lifeline. He hadn't let anyone, not even Donna, get this
close. CJ was the special one. The only one who could get in like
this.

A few minutes passed before she suggested they get up. "If a cop
passes, he's going to think that we're drunks or lovers too cheap to
get a room or some other horrible thing that's just going to aggravate
the hell out of Leo. We should get up." She stood and put her hand out
for him. He took it. Not so much for her to pull him up, just to
accept her support.

"I'm doing better, CJ. That talk with Stanley really helped. I have a
diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder, as you know, being the
Press Secretary and all. You have a cool job. You get to know
everybody's secrets." He squeezed her hand affectionately.

"Yeah, I get to hear about everybody's sex lives while knowing that I
don't have one." She sighed.

"Danny?"

"We're not here to talk about my broken heart, yet." She was smiling
at him.

"Your broken heart? I'll break his face."

"My hero. My heart is broken because I'm not allowed to date a
reporter, and I really, really like him, Josh, and he turned down
the job as Editor knowing full well that I won't take a risk with our
jobs like that."

"I'm sorry. I wish there was a way for the two of you to be together.
I guess you'll have to wait till he finally takes an Editor's job or
more likely till you're out of a job because Bartlet's out of office.
Either way, you'll be waiting a while." He hugged her, knowing that
this time she needed the comfort.

"Thanks, Josh. Now back to you. Nice try to change the subject but
let's change it back."

"What a woman. So forceful. I really thank God for you; that he sent
me such a wonderful friend. I just wanted you to know that. Okay,
the diagnosis. I'm in therapy. I know my trigger is music. I just have
to be careful about that. I never know what type of music or song is
going to do it. Let's start walking back to the cars."

"Yeah, we're definitely going to need a drink to warm up from this."
She teased him. Putting her arms around his neck, she pulled him close
to her. "Would you have changed jobs for me?"

"Yes. I see being an Editor as a promotion. You have more control and
we all know how much I love control. I would have taken it but Danny
is different. All he knows is what he is; what he's done so far. He
also doesn't see any problem with dating you while he's still a
reporter because he's the one who gets fired. He understands that you
both are taking a risk." He pulled her closer to hug her, then they
continued walking. "To get back to the discussion at hand, yelling at
the President was the last straw and the lowest point of my recovery.
I'm moving forward. Slowly. Now that you've gotten me to realize and
admit it, we're going to have to work on my fear of death in therapy.
We're already dealing with the survivor's guilt. I'm planning on
singing your praises to my therapist because you got to me, CJ. You're
the only one. It's going to take time but I'm getting better." He was
leaning on the railing again, looking at the water and wiping his
eyes. She stood next to him, one arm around his waist.

"It's okay to cry, Josh, to be sad, it's all part of the healing 
process. I'm here for you. Always, my friend."

"I know and thank you so much, CJ. I am so honored." 

"As am I. Thank you." She kissed him softly on the cheek. "You wanna
go for that drink or you just heading home?"

"Drink. I think we could both use it."

The two friends drove to their favorite bar knowing they while both
still had issues to be resolved they could be content in the knowledge
that they would always be there for each other, no matter what the
problem was.

The End.