Two Asian Men Acquire a Wallaby

It was a frigid evening in August. The sun was just coming up and Ping got out of bed. He decided to call his best friend, Pong.
The phone rang three times.
“Xccxiaammn?”
“Yeah, what’s up, Pong? You wanna go check out some moderately interesting but probably historically inaccurate little museum here in this city?”
“Yyn. Pzousinhym. Veaao.”
“Good, 10 it is. See you there.”

Ping picked up a bucket of fried chicken and met up with Pong on the subway that would take them over to ‘Ray’s Second-Hand House of History’. After about five minutes of riding, they decided that they were either there or could walk the rest of the way. They got out at station 52C. They ventured for ten minutes on Feral Street until they noticed the small sign sticking out of a door. They entered the building. Hanging from the ceiling was a gigantic Wright Whale, labeled “Replica of Plane Flown in the First Successful Flight by the Wright Brothers in Detroit.”
“FiiO, poaedikaaaan.”
“Yeah, seriously. I can’t believe people could fly that thing. I think they got it wrong about it being in Detroit though.”
“jnnnni, binnno”
“Yeah, ok, we can move on…don’t be so impatient.”
“CIonn?”
“No. You can’t have some of my chicken!!! It’s MINE!!!”
“Weal, HOWWWWWDAY!” Came some odd voice from out of nowhere. “Wealcome to Ray’s House of History.”
“Ulululuioooo”
“Yeah, what happened to ‘Second-Hand’?”
“Whoops! Conveniently forgot that for a second…”
“I’ll bet.”
“Nah, what yer gonna see up ahead is the, the tire from President Kennedy’s Motorcade. I know it’s got a lot of e-mo-tional sentiment attached to it, so prepare yourselves…”
It was at this point that another person walked in behind them from the outside. They didn’t notice him though, because he was pretty silent and Ray just kept on talking.
“An’, jus’ look at the detail on this tire…” he was saying. Pong tapped Ping on the shoulder and pointed at a small number on the rubber.
“Ciuu, seln, tiangg.”
“Yeah…you’re right.” Ping said, and interrupted Ray. “Uhh…this tire says 1988. I know I wasn’t born before Kennedy was shot.”
“Huh? Oh, uh…that’s the number tire it was. It was the Nineteen hundred eighty-eighth tire made by Firestone.”
“Ok…I guess so.”
Suddenly, a small furry mammal resembling a kangaroo, but with big glowing antlers protruding from his head, appeared from “The Wonderful World of Cavemen and Stand-Up”. It shouted something in an alien language and pointed at a spot in between the other four people in the room. A sphere that portrayed an endless void appeared where he had pointed. It sucked the four humans and this weird creature into it. Everything went black…or maybe white.

Pong was the first to snap out of the resulting haze.
“Pio calvr NUNCHAKU!!!”
Immediately, Ping snapped out of it too.
“Yeah…where the hell are our nunchucks…I mean…where the hell are we?”
“This here place…” Ray said, standing up, “Would be good ol’ Nevada.”
People were walking around in Renaissance-Style clothing, with big, feathered hats and ornamented clothing. Everyone had tan skin and dark eyes as well. A large ship was at port. It said, ‘Santa Maria’. Ping pointed out that it seemed more like Spain than Nevada.
“Nniever?”
“Pong wants to know what year this is.”
“I’d say…20 B-”
“-1491…” a voice interrupted. “We’re in Spain. In 1491.”
The other three turned to the fourth person.
“IINten! IINten Oneks!”
“Yeah! Hey! You’re right, Pong! It’s Anthony Hopkins.”
“No it’s not,” Ray said. “It’s Tom Cruise.”
“No: Tom Cruise is only forty or fifty. Anthony Hopkins is so old he was probably alive in 1941.”
“I’m sure I should resent that…but I am pretty old…”
After a little more discussion with Anthony Hopkins, he left them to ‘go check out the Spanish babes’.” Ping was still eating his ‘Great Big Bucket o’ Chicken’. Suddenly, someone ran into him and the bucket went flying. Pong made a desperate dive to save it, but one piece landed on the horribly dirty road. Pong sprung to his feet and grabbed the guy.
“Hey! You realize what you just did!? I cherish my chicken!!! If I wasn’t such a nice guy, I’d punch you! On second thought, no one ever said I was a nice guy. Take this you jerk!” And with that, Ping landed a hard shot at the Spaniard’s face.
“G-good god, sir: What is your problem? It was just an accident! Hey…I think you’re from the direction I’m going! What’s the fastest way to get to China from here…or India, for that matter?”
“Go west, young fool.”
“But what about the edge?”
“Don’t be silly, water can’t form an edge…It has no definite shape…”
“Fine! But if I fall off the edge of the earth, I’ll personally have to kill you.”
“I’ll have to take your name down so I can check up on that.”
“M’name’s Christopher Columbus. I-”
“-Nonsense,” Ray exclaimed, loudly, “Christopher Columbus was well on his way to "India" in 1491. He would have difficulty getting in the way like you just did, phony. I’ll bet it’s Elvis.”
“Elvis!? Where!?” Ping said, eagerly. He looked around and saw that Ray had been talking about Columbus and shot him a death glare. He then proceeded to cry for a minute, saying, through sobs, “Where are you Elvis! Come back to me! You can be the king you are and I’ll be your royal servant! Please!” People looked at him oddly for a moment before returning to work.
“Tre ne bi” said Pong.
Catching his breath and regaining his composure, Ping said, “That’s right: the song says he sailed in fourteen ninety two. It’s apparently 1491. He’s still here afterall.”
“Bull$#@),” said Ray, “You’ll never convince me of such falseness. Who’s the historian here?”
“Well, apparently, I’ve got a date with history. I’ll see you all around!” Columbus said, and hurried out. When he was out of earshot, he pulled out Ping’s wallet. “This should fund my tri-what!? What are these!? Who is this ‘Lincoln’ guy?” Columbus angrily threw the wallet at the Santa Maria, which left a small defect in the wood before sinking to the water below.

A woman was running through the streets. She ran into multiple people as they got in the way. People yelled, “Bugger off, Psychotic Sandy!” and went about their duties. She was dressed in peasant robes and was quickly approaching the three. Pong put his hand out and she stopped abruptly before it.
“Speak, yon peasant woman, what brings you to such a pace?” Ray said, while nudging Pong and saying, “They talk like that, y’know.”
“I’m running from the Alligator that was under the bed! And the evil alien wallabies from the planet Rocko!!! They’re surrounding us! We need to do something!”
“Hey, a Spanish chick,” said an oddly familiar voice behind them, “Come here, Sandy girl, ol’ Anthony’ll make it all better.” Anthony Hopkins took Sandy’s hand and pulled her close.
“Eh---everyone thinks I’m crazy…” she said, timidly.
“That’s beside the point. Now, Ping, Pong, and…you,” Anthony said, pointing at Ray, “I’m back to tell you that that wallaby that somehow sent us back here is trying to hunt us. I’ve gotten us prepared. Each of us needs a roll of this one of these.” he continued, handing each person a pair of scissors and some silver tape, “Now, the time has come… I shall teach you the way of the Duct-Tape. Brace yourselves: I see him coming now. And that blasted alligator is with him!”
“Oh crap!” Ray said as he began running around in circles. “That thing’s gonna eat me!”
“Hiiu yall”
“Yeah…they don’t usually eat humans: that’s crocodiles…and politicians.” Yang said.
“You guys know NOTHING!” Ray exclaimed, as the alligator casually strolled by him. He turned around and faced what he really should have been running from: the wallaby. It shot particles of light from its eyes, which in turn enveloped Ray. He turned into what looked like a black silhouette of him and then broke into shards of darkness, which scattered outward into the air. The wallaby was approaching the others.
“Now, remain calm, unlike that blathering idiot. What I want you to do is hold out long strips of this duct tape in front of you. It’ll surely catch the creature.
Sure enough, or perhaps oddly enough, the wallaby floated right into the duct tape. They wrapped it around the wallaby and held it up. Suddenly, the Wallaby looked at them and nodded. They began their return through time. Sandy was still clinging to Anthony Hopkins, so she went with them. They came upon a place marked “Time Travel Pit Stop”. They were blocked from continuing by some big guy with dark glasses.
“Proof of existence?” He asked, shortly.
“Huh?”
“Identification?” He rephrased.
“Ah…I see. Yeah, I’ve got it: right…huh?” said Ping. He searched his pockets to find that they were empty.
“Dammit, Columbus! I’m glad you never found Indiana or whatever you were looking for!” Ping regrouped and said, “Uh…see, someone stole my wallet, which has all my identification in it.”
The man pulled out an unrealistically large sign with big black letters that read, “Access Denied” and picked up Ping and threw him into nothingness. Pong, still holding the wallaby, dove after him.
Anthony Hopkins got star treatment and didn’t even need to show ID. He returned to the present time and began working on his 1000th movie with Sandy as his ‘Sexy Co-Star’.

Meanwhile, in some other time and place…

“Hey, Pong?”
“Enchilada. Niiir! Bzawww.”
“No, of course you’re not imagining those screams of anguish. Where are we?”
“Frnnn, urit ss.”
“Rome, during the reign of Nero!? Oh no! That means we’re stuck here! We’re going to be forced to listen to his crappy poetry until we die! Good god!”

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