April '00 Post (created on: April 14, 2000) Hey, sorry for no updates until now, hehe... well, here's some laughs from my collection. Enjoy! |
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3 Convicts
- The best law enforcement agency
- 2 Liners
- Manager in a balloon
- Snails
3
Convicts
Three convicts were allowed to bring one item with them to prison.
On the bus, they asked each other what they had brought.
1st Con: "a box of paints... i want to be the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
2nd Con: "a deck of cards... I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and
etc."
3rd Con: "a box of tampons... [smile]"
The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box,
I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
The
best law enforcement agency
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they
are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to
give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of
them try to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three
months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do
not exist.
Then the FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn
the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they
make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
Then the LAPD goes in. They come out only two hours later with
a badly beaten badger. The animal is yelling, "Okay! Okay! I'm a
rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with the other
is used to carry groceries.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double -
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What is the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
What are 3 two-letter words that mean short?
Is it in?
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What is the difference between and irish wedding and an irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Why did the blonde sniff nutrasweet?
She thought it was Diet Coke.
What is the last thing that runs through a bugs mind when it hits a windshield?
His ass.
Manager
in a balloon
A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.
He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the
balloon further and shouts,"Excuse me. Can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but
I do not know where I am."
The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approx. 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees
north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer", says the balloonist.
"Yes, i am", replies the man."How did you know?"
"Well", says the balloonist, "everthing you have told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says, "you must be a manager".
"Yes, I am ", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man below, "you did not know where you are,
or where you are going. you have made a promise which you have
no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem.
The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in
before we met, BUT NOW IT IS SOMEHOW MY FAULT."
Snails
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to
be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't
have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run
down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door,
down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the
snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water
just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even
just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing
right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her
place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock
the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner
party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his
bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to
his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such
a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the
bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door
opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way
wondering where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her,
then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"