Journal
August 23, 2003. 8:20 PM--I havnt written (typed) in here for a while, iv been doing other things...Im feeling crappy right now.... Maby it will pass soon (i hope so).
Well classes started the 20th. They went well i suppose....i have yet to make any friends though....oh well. Nothing too interesting has happened...then again it never does....
August 4, 2003. 11:00 AM-- I feel really crappy right now. I feel depressed...and i dont know why. I woke up that way, and thats unusual for me. I usually dont wake up feeling crappy. Oh well...I wrote a poem or two earlier today, and ill add them later. I dont really feel like it right now. I went home for the weekend and got to go dirtbike riding. that was the highlight of my weekend just about. My dog is about to die...and my parents refuse to take her to the vet. I wish they would do something..... I dont like going home...i hate it actually. The only reason I do go home is to go dirtbike riding. This is the last week of the summer course. Im pritty sure that i passed. After this week i will go home for a week then the week after i start the fall semester. I like not living at home...iv gotten very used to it....i dont want to go home next week. Well, im giong to go for now....dont feel like chatting anymore....just feel like going to bed and laying there.....
July 31, 2003. 8:40 PM-- I'v been in a weird mood latley. Im a little depressed....but maby its just hormonal :P. In any case, I may start going to therapy here at the University. Its only $10 for studenst. Thats dirt cheep. I thought i may as well take advantage of it, rather than spend 100's later on down the road (because i know ill need it). Well...there's not much too say today...it rained agian...and i got soaked again, luckily i was wearing my pants with the removable bottoms (there like regular cargo pants excepts the bottom of the legs zip off and make flood pants)...nothing too interesting as usual. I want to go to therapy...but...a part of me wont let me....its hard to explain i guess. Confrontation makes me anxious. very Very anxious. And I have a very hard time talking about private things....I dont even talk about some things in my journal for fear of someone i know reading it. Speaking of someone i know reading my journal....i sure hope my parents and brother have kept there hands off my journal i carelessly left at home in an unsecure place. Im sure my mom saw it...and my brother goes in my room probably so he may have seen it too....and he's not one to resist temptation if you catch my drift. Geez i hope not! Damit! I have some really personal things in there....
July 25, 2003. 5:23 PM-- Today I had an appointment with a professor and I didn't go. I tried to but I couldnt find her darn office. There are too many side streets and little un marked building here. Oh well, it wasnt too important anyways. Maby Im not on her bad side...I think im going to go add some poems to my writing section now.
July 24, 2003. 10:20 PM-- College is gonig ok I guess....I still havn't made any friends yet; although I havnt put out the effort to either. I don't look for friends I just let it happen. I hate being so shy sometims. I wonder if I will ever change... Im kindof debating wether or not to go home this weekend. My mom is pressuring me to...I guess i shoud becaue I accidently left my journal out in the open, and it would be disasterous if they read it (not to mention embarrasing). Im making B's in my classes so that good. Takes a little stress off my sholders. If I dont pass this summer course thing then I would be admitted into the university in the fall. Im getting used to the living on my own thing (and liking it). Its nice being away from my parents....We were never really close anyways (at least from my point of view). Some (well actually i should say alot) of the people in my classes are really immature, and apparently think they are still in high school. Todya our professor was trying to teach and people kept talking and chattering, and finally she (the professor) just got fed up and said 'Ok, im not dealing with this anymore. Leave!' I dont remember the exact words she used but you get the idea. She was so pissed. I dont blame her; throughout the lecure, people were calling her stupid and making rude comments. Stupid immature people...they need to grow up.
Anyways, now that I got that off my chest I feel better. Sometimes I just feel better after venting in my journal. I think im going to go to bed now. ~L8r~
July 22, 2003. 11:00 PM-- LOL i was just reading my last post. its kindof funny. I was really upset at myself when i typed that, but now i just think its funny....oh well. Not much is going on, just the usual...lots of school work. I cut myeslf for the first time in a while last week. And whats bad is, i cant remember why i did it....thers not much to say todya. I may right some poetry to go in the writing page, i was inspired to day to wright some. Well im off.
July 17, 2003. 10:00 PM-- BAKA! BAKA! BAKA! BAKA!!!! IM SUCH AN IDIOT!!! STUPID STUPID STUPID!! YO SOY MUY STUPIDO!!! Doushi*te...? becaue just am... yare yare.... *sticks sharp object in arm* Fui tonto al decir eso, cometí una estupidez al decir eso... watashi....watashi...*sigh*...
July 14, 2003. 9:00 PM-- I havnt been writing in this journal much laltey...just havnt felt like it....but i guess it dosnt matter since no one is reading it....thats ok i guess. Im feeling down again today...I think its the stress or something...or bordom or lonleyness...or all of the above. I dont have anyone to talk to here or hang out with...i miss my friend(s)...wonder if ill ever make any friends here...I wouldnt be surprised if i didnt. I havnt been eating very well. :P Today I had a slice of pizza for lunch/dinner and thats it. I had my first exam/test today...im not sure how i did...i hope i did ok. I really dont like it here...I want to go to art college...but we cant always have everything we want...sacrifises are a part of life...unfortunatley....but I hope I havnt made too many...I mean it is my future an all. Well im going to go now...Im tired of talking/typing.
July 9, 2003. 7:15 PM-- Im so bord, there's nothing to do here. I actually studied for one of my classes today. *gasp* I havnt studied in so long. Well its not that bad since i dont have anything else to do. I dont like it here. I want to go home. I hate it here. I havn't met anyone I could hang out with...I guess I just want a friend...im so pathetic. I should just...nevermind. I havnt been eating much latley...i think thats a good thing, now maby i can loose some weight. I have a test friday on 3 chapters. (yes they are long chapters) We just went over chapter one in class today (well some of it atlest, the rest is up to us)Its so much work. I also have a project due thursday *sigh* i dont know how im going to get everything done on time. Not to mention i have math work due friday as well. I guess one good thing is that i only have 2 classes on friday instead of 3. So i will have the whole day to sit around and do nothing...oh joy.
July 7, 2003. 10:14 PM-- Yesterday I moved into the residence hall and everything, but I couldnt get internet until today (monday). Right now I feel so overwhelmed. I swear if i had something sharp...I would probably cut myself. I just feel so overwhelmed. Its shuch a drastic change....I mis my mom and dad and pets and even my little bro. I wish we got a day off or something since today was so hecktic...but no, we get to jump right into our classes tomorrow. We dont even get a change to figure out where they are. Well maby they wont be too upset if i come in late sinc it is our first day and all...but you never know. I dont even feel like typing or writing right now. I just feel like crawling into a hole and dying. Maby ill feel better once I have settled in and know my way around. ...I just feel really down right now (i know iv probably said that like 5 times now :P)
July 4, 2003. 11:25 PM-- I just added some music to the site. I really like it...its kindof...insperational or something :p Anyways, I didnt do much of anything today...just sat around and contemplated on some things. Iv been in a really dreamy mood today. Maby its because I will be moving out on sunday and that will be a little strange. I remember when I was younger I couldnt wait to get out of the house...but now, I dont know its not that im ancious to get out or anything, or not wanting to go...I guess I just dont know what im in for. Im used to having lots of peace quitet and solitude (well aside from the noise my dad and brother make.) Having to share a very small room with a compleet stranger...oh well, i guess ill just get used to it. But i cant help wonder...how i will change. When I'm away from my friends and family I tend to...i dont know how to explain it...i, i guess you could say I start to get depressed i guess, thats the only way i could put it into words. When i dont have anyone there to take my mind off of things or make me laugh i start to fall into a black hole. I loose sight of reality is one way of putting it. I cant let myself do that anymore. I have to be careful because if I do go into a depression again...there might not be anyone to help me out of it. I know its strange...and probably dosnt make any sence but...I think about that often. When I have free time like this and nothing to do I start thinking...about things...its hard explain it in words..., and that is what depresses me. If im doing something like building a website or doing some kind of art, or even playing those silly virtual pet sites, it takes my mind off of things and it makes me happy.
well there I go :P trying to depress myslef again...anyways, yesterday i got alot done. I added a few pages to my main website and other stuff. Oh yeah and today i made one part of my friends birthday present. The part I finished today was the animation part, but i may do another. I think its cute, I hope she thinks so too. Her birhtday is on the 11th so I have a week to finish. I hope it will be enough time. Im bad at finishing prijects...*glances at pile of unfinished drawings* Ahem anyways...I think i will finish. Im also going to make a webpage dedicated to her :P sounds cheezy dosen't it...actually now that i think about it, it sounds very cheezy... *sigh*. Im really bad at gift giving, so thats why I give creative gifts like pictures or animations (this will be the first animation gift) or something like that. Its also cheeper too ;) ....Tomorrows going to be a long day...*sigh*
July 2, 2003. 8:00 PM-- Well I got alot done today (well sortof). I finished a page and a half of my main website. I also listed it under the serch engins (but i havnt checked if it worked yet.)I still need a domain name for this site...but its not that long so im kindof debating wether to get one or not. Anyways its not like I need one anyways :P I know its only the second day up but still...i want someone to sign my guest book. Oh well. Im going to go add some art to this site, and then maby work on my main one.
July 1, 2003. 9:50 PM-- Well alot is going on right now. I'm having to redo my main website because everything in it got deleted. *sigh* In a few days I will be moving to attend college. Im afraid that they have screwd me over. I think im supposed to have my classed (its summer school) already but I dont. I know where im going to be staying in the fall but they havnt assigned me a room for the summer (or maby they just havn't told me yet). Entrence exams are also comming up and I dont really remember any of my math. I need to look over my notes. I dont want to get stuck in a remedial(sp) class. Those are just a waist of time and money. Im not sure what living in a dorm is going to be like. Maby it wont be too bad. I'm a kind of person that likes to have some privacy...and you ask why I didnt get an appartnemt...? Good question, I probably should have....Oh well
9:00 PM-- I just added some of my art to the site. I had to make the page backgound grey because the font was black and I could not change it, oh well. I like writing in journals...I dont know why though. I wish I had a live journal code... maby ill meet someone with live journal at college. Or even better my roomate will have one :-D I havn't even begun to study yet... i hope the test is algerbra and precal because I can do that but Im not so good a geometry or long division... :-P And we dont even get to use a calculator on the test O.O thats probably what will get me. Can you tell that i stress about tests. *sigh*