30.OCT.04

RANDOM

Look at those two cheeks of waddling meat and that pair of sausage arms swinging madly from side to side. Look at the two ham leg stumps toddling towards the nearest door. Man, the bullet is itching to plunge into something thick and warm. Lock and load, shoot that Fatty in the

Arseholes! They were arseholes anyway. I ain't sorry for what happened. Nah ain't sorry at all. I ain't gonna go meandering on about some shit on bullying and ostricising and crap like that. Or about the domestic cause of my actions...i dont wanna be slotted into some category now, never fitted

Before any gets out, 30 down, you still got 3 to go. Damn, my New Jacks are adhering to the floor with every step. Sticky with blood. Kev's blood, Joe's blood, Sarah's blood...heck the list goes on...Daddy's blood. Yeah, that's for the punches to the eye, he's on top of Momma now, buried him a good 6 foot under

The tables was where i used to hide during lunchtime. Hell you know, so no one would find me and shit like that. Didnt want to see their snickering faces and accusing fingers. Tried to tell them teachers about it, especially Miss T. Told her everythin you know, about how Daddy was touchin me and shit, and how the kids threw my New Jacks into the toilet. Hell i even told her how i had a crush on her and her white cotton panties. But heck, she just laughed that stupid high pitched patronizing laugh sayin, "Oh kids these days, they're are so full of

Shit! Last bullet left, one more fallin body to find. Its some bitch. Shit man, aint no use hiding under them tables bitch, i should know. They always find you...in the playground, when you walk home, in your sleep...always. Now dont give me that tear streaked face smeared with dirt and blood. I ain't moved. This is how things work, kill or be killed. Geez dont you girls ever play

Diabalo was hell of a game. I knew exactly where them aliens were and how to blow the brainfuck out of them with a .36...its called defence. I'm the good guy here. I ain't wrong. Look i told you

It won't hurt okay, quit cryin' man. I'll make it quick, just like

BAM! Another wack across the head, all the bitches laughed at my limp body, curled up like a foetus on the ground and

Dead. Hey bitch im sorry

That i never got the choice? Nah man, all you damn pyschologists and lawyers in your suits, get it right, i never got the chance to be

Me? im just some orange haired freckle faced kid that sits behind you in class.


29.OCT.04

TODAY

Tomorrow came as today...I feel stoic still. Meh.

Now that im parting my own path through the thick picket of life's obstacles...i must constantly ask myself and question my actions with a simple, "Is it worth it? Is what im about to do worth it? How much of my effort is it worth?" and so forth. I must tred cautiously and be aware of every step and choice i make for i have left the sercruity and comfort zone of being a child. Such motherly ranting suggests my brainwashed mentality...but of late the question "Is it worth it?" has been orbiting around my thoughts. When you decide something is worth your time, your efforts and your devotion then it doesnt matter how priceless it is or how pathetic you seem to others - its worth your heart and everything within you. Funny what obstinate creatures we really are...


28.OCT.04

PENDING

Tomorrow marks the last day of HSC for me. I cannot be articulate about how i feel...but i am baffled at the way which i do not feel. I cant say the so anticipated tides of elation and exhilaration have reached me yet nor can i say that i feel deliverance from a great burden or constraint. Perhaps its because i know that tomorrow simply signifies my entrance into yet another stage in life... one more challenging, more dangerous and alot more luring than this. I dont know, my fantasies of wild nights and ceaseless partying like a crazed dement seemed to have ebbed away with each exam. Bizarre as it may be...ive lost that desire...even for alcohol. (I KNOW!!??) Maturity has crept upon me like a thief in the night and stole away my recklessness. (shaking a clenched fist vigorously)
Perhaps tomorrow i shall feel different?


27.OCT.04

CLOSURE

The urge is too great, i felt an itch at my fingertips to deflower this vacant page with James Joyce. He transcribes my being.
The snares of the world were its ways of sin. He would fall. He had not yet fallen but he would fall silently, in an instant. Not to fall was too hard, too hard: and he felt the silent lapse of his soul, as it would be at some instant to come, falling, falling but not yet fallen, still unfallen but about to fall.
Oh...satisfaction! Oh...fulfillment!


08.OCT.04

UNPLUGGED

No more netting...no more chatting...and no more blogging.

For three weeks.

Then'll i'll come crawling back...with something to say.


04.OCT.04

UNIVERSAL

"Nature cared nothing for prejudice. Men and women were like the animals on the farm at Helford, she supposed; there was a common law of attraction for all living things, some similarity of skin or touch, and they would go to one another. This was no choice made with the mind. Animals did not reason, neither did the birds in the air...Falling in love was a pretty name for it, that was all. Jem Merlyn was a man, and she was a woman, and whether it was his hands or his skin or his smile she did not know, but something inside her responded to him, and the very thought of him was an irritant and a stimulant at the same time. It nagged at her and would not let her be." Someone else has felt this...seven decades ago.


03.OCT.04

VAGUE

I am a sink with a leaking tap.
The steady waterdrops fall down and slips away steadily into the darkness beyond the sinkhole...
I collect nothing...i hold nothing...just a vehicle for thoughts to pass through.


30.SEPT.04

PERPLEXED

Isn't it funny how things work out? This time a year ago, i had the best night of my life...it was magical and glittered with all the fondest memories. And yet...tonight 365 days later...2.15am in the morning here i am, recalling that spark that flew through the air a year ago that was lost tonight amidst the heated sweat, deafening bass and heaving bodies of the dancefloor. That warm fuzzy feeling died amongst the tangle of limbs and swaying hips. And that magic that was misplaced through my pig-headedness and so-called integrity. It was better to dance than to sit in silence. So i danced, and swayed and bobbed...just like the hiccups in the DJ's beat.


29.SEPT.04

PREOCCUPIED

Whether i have fallen back into the day-to-day entries or simply craving my own company (since no one ever comes here anymore) i have yet to discover. However, today i was in the most perculiar mood, i was vulnerable enough to allow myself fall into a little ditch, which i might add was filled with a dirty puddle of gloom. I was depressed, stressed and repressed. I'm not coping too well with the looming exams...i wish i had more time...or more brain power.
somebody open the door... p.s ive been reading again, completely absorbed in Daphne du Maurier's Jamaica Inn.


28.SEPT.04

PRODUCTIVITY

I am just like a chicken in a chick pen...clucking, plucking, and brooding all day long. My nest is Burwood library and my daily lay is how much i can cram into the space limited cranium of mine. Productivity must pass the set quantity and quality must be satisfactory...or else the alternative...the chopping board. Only difference between me and a chicken is, once they get de-captitated...they're still able to run around headless for weeks...i for one..cannot. Bummer. pics too lazy to put them ALL up...and apologise for the puni size...i lost my touch..


23.SEPT.04

RECLUSIVE

Well i woke up this morning and decided to cease being the recluse i have been for the past two months. The hermit has crawled back into civilisation and is back, content to say, with her own kind...a net vegetable. Will be updating soon...pics to come~!


15.JUL.04

RESTORED

I'm off hiatus...despite the underlying factor that i have HSC Trial Examinations in two weeks time. I think i have a problem with detaching myself...until i get my computer fixed i'll be blogging in net cafes - which in this case, the damn space bar is making my life difficult by making squeaking protests and failing to space prop erly. Await my return.