30.NOV.04

NON CHALANT

He is elusive.


27.NOV.04

SATURDAY MORNING

Why does the feeling of shooting a basketball and getting it in feel so satisfying? It's like patting myself on the back with every score, I feel triumphant. Ephemeral victory feels good...


26.NOV.04

RELAPSE

It's nothing really, like the departing shadows at dusk and the idle laps made by the second hand...they're consistent, ineluctable and completely trivial. Nothing really profound or substantial. Emotional attachment is like that, it's just a passing phase; a slight impetuous glitch in general scheme of things; it's all secondary. I am boycotting this insignificant delirium of the tugging heart that everyone seeks to feel. It's extraneous.


23.NOV.04

FLUSTERED

I think i shall suffocate soon if i continue dwelling underneath this glass ceiling. I shall fritter away these impractical fantasies...they will become my ultimate emotional atrophy.

LATER THAT NIGHT...

ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shoot at the X marked on my forehead.


21.NOV.04

CONTEMPLATION

Fluttering lashes to daylight, arching a limp carcass into life, i like burying my face into the nearest pillow of four hoping to rekindle sleep. I sleep sprawled across the bed, with entangled limbs and pillows and moonflower scented bed linen. Such mellow compromise is short lived as yesterday's events always seem to drag me awake. And then my mind congests yet again with thought traffic. For a curtailed moment anyway my mind is free of thought every morning is an understated felicity.

I have decided the instant after sitting up in bed this morning that i am not one to play courting games. I cannot persue or perpetuate persuement because both requires a tenacious ego and an afluent mind that i have not. My ego feeds on my mood and my mood fluctuates and is more unpredictable than the economy. So i much prefer platonic relationships...and even that is too onerous to maintain for there are just too many rules and hidden agendas between the two sexes for me to conceive. I just want to wake up to the blithe sounds of a halcyon mind.


20.NOV.04

FUSION

Thin blood speeding through the veins sends the head swimming as the body welcomes the long-awaited alcohol. First party post HSC commenced with an fickle ego and a scanning eye. A few sips and a few charismatic exchanges later, the boom of the bass surges from the floor up the legs like electricity, with involuntary swaying hips and bobbing heads.

Socialising within the circle of post-graduates; you must have a "school" in order to be identified..."hi, where you from?" "oh wenona and you?". It seemed we could never detach ourseleves from school. To be recognised you must belong to an institute, an organisation, a title that says you affiliate with fellow human beings and apt enough to conduct a conversation. Why was that? Was it highly crucial in the act of socialising to know where i spent my last 6 years? I was tempted to say to the next person, "I'm from my parents and you?"



GENESIS

Something a bit more substantial than the last.


15.NOV.04

WHAT THE?

This would be me if i were take the path of a career in crime...

A man rushed into a bank brandishing a gun intending to intimidate everyone by screaming, "Up with your fucking hands, this is a stickup." But in his nervousness, it came out, "Up with you sticky hands, this is a fuck up". After a short pause, tellers, customers and the bank guard began to giggle and the thief was so rattled that he left the bank without carrying out the robbery.

Ever read warning labels?

Sonie Earplugs These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe

Korean Kitchen Knife Keep out of children.

Sainsburys Mineral Water Suitable for vegetarians.

Maybe something more substantial later...


12.NOV.04

RESOLVE

My heart is so full right now. Weighty like a sigh. The conscience of my soul is so light right now. Weightless like a whisper. Is this what forgiving feels like? I feel like a dumbell with wings.


11.NOV.04

ADVICE

Plant a tree.


10.NOV.04

EXONERATE

What is to forgive? Is it to embrace a past and all its misgivings? Or is it to forget a past and confront the future? Forgiveness is perhaps a synthesis of both, one in which you must accept the wrong doings as well as forget them. I can only achieve the latter for erasing is so much more easier than exonerating.

Found. The Intangible.


07.NOV.04

SCRUTINY

I dislike the colour green but i like a hundred dollar bills and green tea.
I hate getting soap under my nails but like taking showers and baths.
I dislike rebuttals but i love witty repartees.
I really hate being dependent on another and yet i seek another to fall on.
I dislike getting emotionally involved but i like melodramas.
Hypocrite. Paradox. I embrace myself despite my contradictions. I am not solid and inert like a rock. I wax and wan like the ever-inconsistent moon.


06.NOV.04

A PART

By physically removing ourselves we hope to displace our feelings, we hope for emotional detachment. But can distance divorce our subliminal thoughts from our pining hearts or is it just a facade we act to cheat those around us and hopefully ourselves? Separation is simly a quantitative number, only a measurement of space...nothing else. It cannot decieve or destroy or move whats already embedded within you, it can only make it dearer and more cherished. Some things just dont change...would a house still be a house without windows? Would a car still be a car without wheels? Would i still be me without you?


05.NOV.04

LATER THAT NIGHT

I must be desperate for company or something...had an urge to blog (this is twice in one day...indication of abnormal emotional pattern.) Let me tell you about my wardrobe. It's going to be bigger than the universe at this rate of expansion. Anyhow, every month or two my wardrobe reaches the point in gestation where it begins to give 'birth' to all of the pieces of clothing that ive been impregnating it with. This mind you is not a pretty sight...And so every morning, i must slide open the wardrobe oh so ever slowly just wide enough to make visual contact, and like a surgeon or someone who tampers with things that requires great patience and grace, i have to extract items of clothing buried deep beneath the sumo-weight of many other items of clothing. All this without all of the polyester, cotton, wool, nylon mass avalanching out and making my burial site.
However, i will eventually get 'sick' of performing this idiosyncratic ritual day in and day out and eventually decide for the better of mankind and for my own safety to clean up this infestation womb of my fashion. So for a good solid day or so i go about colour co-ordinating, brand conjugating and season segregating until i have an state of the arch wardrobe thats more organised and more systematic than the patterns on your toilet paper or the bristles on your brush. To this i gloat at for a few hours, opening and closing my wardrobe fearlessly a few hundred times until my arm cramps up.
All this of course lasts until the next morning when i start rampaging for clothes to wear. Then the cycles just repeats itself just like the cycle of life...perpetual and tedious...monotoned and habitual.



TRANQUIL

Gentle lapping against skin; gliding through an abyss; weightless, guiltfree 99% turbulence free; complete concentration on nothing - breath and stroke; rhythm and pace; plunging underneath the colours to blue isolation; with self; being totally submerged in water and yet not feel wet...bliss.


03.NOV.04

DISAPPOINTMENT

Have no expectation, have no disappointment. But is trusting a close friend's word an expectation? Should i stop expecting integrity even from the dearest people? How many times i've been let down i've already lost count. Either way, words are too slippery to hold hence disappointment is inevitable. This brew of setbacks leave me nothing but salty bitterness. I am guileless.

I have become one of those annoying sales assistance who prounce and try to devour their unsuspecting customers. I have also mastered the technique in causing 'im-just-a-browser' great discomfort that they feel obliged to purchase something, even a $1 256 phone. Go consumer relations! Oh managed to make friends with the secruity guards, and the gelato man downstairs. Other than that...POST HSC really SHITS ME.


02.NOV.04

FRIENDLY

People who smile alot tend to have alot to hide. They often are more insidious than what their grin conceals. Its the those who wear the inextinguishable lip curl that bring about more infliction. My boss seems to smile an awful lot...


01.NOV.04

PLAY

When do we ever stop playing games? Every phase in life is played out with strategies and obstacles, with rules and penalties, with opponents and partners. Whether it be socialising, courting, working or studying, we approach these fields with (if not, subconsciously) an inclination to succeed; to overcome; to win. We just naturally subsume into a role or many roles that will assist in our survival in life's arduous plot; adapting ourselves to new milieus; and moulding ourselves to different coterie. Likewise, in a game of cards, what you are dealt with cannot be pre-determined but a matter of chance. However, cliche as this may be...its how you play your cards that will ultimately decide the end. My trouble seems to be the lack of attention i pay in distinguishing each game, thus muddling the cards up and just simply throwing them away. Impulse is the card i just can't seem to lose...perhaps this simpleton will learn how to ultilise her flaws to an advantage?

Oh on another note, will someone be bothered to trace the history of my incessive blogging and tell me if they see a change in my perceptions?