-= A camera comes on outside of a house, X-Rated is standing in front of the house with papers rolled up in his hands, he is dressed like a reporter, as he walks towards the camera. =-
X-Rated: “Welcome to Bateline on DNC, I’m Chris Cantsing. What you see behind me is a decoy house, as we conduct an investigation into fraudulent wrestling superstar. They are everywhere, online, in your neighborhoods, in your children’s schools. It’s sweeping the nation, from town to town they are everywhere. People posing as the real deal in the exciting world of professional wrestling, some even go as far as pretending to be World Champions. We here at Bateline have set up this decoy house for a sting we conducted into this every growing crime against the fans. Now I must warn you, what you are able to hear is graphic, and in some cases vulgar, but we here at Bateline feel it is our duty to you to present this sting in it’s entirety. Now I bring you.”
X-Rated: “This is our decoy house”
X-Rated: “we have insulted way more cameras that are going to be required for this investigation, but hey, what do we care it’s not our money. We teamed up with a watchdog group known as Reverted Justice, and over the course of a two day investigation we meet hundreds of pretenders from all over the place, but due to legal issues we are only permitted to air four of them, and because of our crappy legal department down at DNC, we had to change the names of the of the pretenders, and hid their identities, what you are about to witness is real, this was a real investigation, the people that we interviewed were not paid by us to appear, they just showed up because they thought they were the real deal. All of them traveled to meet this man with the use of this man as our decoy.”
X-Rated: “Whom we paid with Sandwiches because we used the whole budget on hidden cameras, but man you should see some to the shots of the neighbor we got she was smoking.”
{The camera switches to a shot of the house, X-Rated is no longer on the screen we see an old rusted out, beat up pinto pull up to the house. The scene continues as X-Rated provides commentary}
X-Rated: “We begin our story with this man”
X-Rated: “Again, we are not able to reveal his real identity due to legal issues, so we will call him Antoinette. Antoinette traveled from Chicago, to our house to meet our promoter. He chatted online explicitly to Reverted Justice using the screen name Puppetboy, here is a taste of the conversation they had.”
Puppetboy: Oh yeah, I’m ****ing gr8 I have had countless matches, most of which I almost won!
Decoy101: Oh really, well I am looking 4 some1 new, would u be interested?
Puppetboy: Hellz Ya, I would! Lucky 4 u I am available, when do u want 2 meet?
Decoy101: Why not now?
Puppetboy: No ***** problem, wait till you see the ****** I have to give you, you will be amazed.
{Antoinette is sitting down at the bar that is set up in the front room when X-Rated comes walking out.}
X-Rated: “How you doing? Why don’t you have a seat there for me, I want to talk to you. Now why are you here today?”
Antoinette: I wasn’t going to do anything I swear, I was just driving around when he waved me in.”
X-Rated: “Oh really? Well I have the transcript from your chat here and that’s not what you said in here, in fact, you drove over 150 miles to get here today didn’t you?”
Antoinette: “How do you know that?”
X-Rated: “I know all about you. What does the person you came here to meet do?”
Antoinette: “A plumber or something like that.”
X-Rated: “That’s not what he told you online now is it, in fact he tells you ‘I’m a wrestling promoter’ to which you replied ‘U got to b ****ing me’ and he said ‘no, I am really a promoter.’ That’s when the conversation went wrong, you started telling him all sorts of things, things you would do when you got here, some pretty graphic stuff.”
Antoinette: “I know what I said you don’t have to repeat it”
X-Rated: “Let me ask you then, do you think it’s alright to talk on the internet to someone like this? I mean look at you, you know you don’t have the talent to do any of the things you mentioned.”
Antoinette: “I know it was wrong, but I just wanted a job. I have talent, honestly I do, see watch”
{He jumps off his stool and starts moving around}
Antoinette: “See look at me, I have no string, I have no strings!”
X-Rated: “Listen, before you embarrass yourself more, I want to tell you I’m Chris Cantsing, with Bateline DNC, as we are doing a story about online pretenders that try and scam wrestling promoters. Now, if you would like to say something else that please feel free, if not, then you are free to go.”
{At this point, Antoinette quickly made a beeline for the door, and drove away at about 15 mph, which I think was top speed in his pinto. And that was only the beginning. Next meet this man.”
X-Rated: “Again due to legal issues we will call him Cason Lack, Cason chatted online with our Reverted Justice decoy using the name buttkiss2007”
buttkiss1007: trust me, I’m what u are looking 4!
Decoy101: I don’t know, I need some1 right away do you think you can fill the spot?
Buttkiss2007: oh yeah, me and my erections can fill your spots, not a problem.
Decoy101: alright, shows at 7?
Buttkiss2007: alright, I will try hard to not come too soon, but I can’t promise, when I get excited, it just can’t help myself.
{As soon as Cason walks inside, he comes face to face with Chris.}
X-Rated: “Come on in and have a seat? How was your trip here?”
Cason: “It wasn’t bad, who are you?”
X-Rated: “We will get to that in just a moment, first I would like to ask you a few questions. What are you doing here today?”
Cason: “I was here about a job.”
X-Rated: “Did you bring your erections with you?”
Cason: “No I wasn’t able to get them up, what’s this about? Are you a cop or something?”
X-Rated: “No, why are you doing something Illegal?”
Cason: “No, like I said, I am here about a job.”
X-Rated: “Yes, but are you qualified for that job? I mean honestly, are you actually able to perform the tasks required of you?”
Cason: “Umm”
X-Rated: “I think it’s time you come clean don’t you? We both know that you do not have the talent required to perform the job you are here about do you.”
Cason: “Well, maybe not but I was hoping that maybe by sucking up a bit, that I could be come a contender or something.”
X-Rated: “Alright, before you start kissing my ass, I want to tell you I’m Chris Cantsing, with Bateline DNC, as we are doing a story about online pretenders that try and scam wrestling promoters. Now, if you would like to say something else this is your chance, if not, then you are free to go.”
Cason: “I just want to say, your show is great you are great, everything about this is great, and I’m honored to be a part of it, as I think you are all just great.”
X-Rated: “Alright, just leave I’m not giving you a job either!”
{Cason slowly walks out of the house, pausing every few steps and looking over his should at Chris, before finally leaving and hitchhiking his way back home.}
X-Rated: “Sadly, it didn’t end there.”
X-Rated: “Meet, Drain we meet him online in a chat room where he spoke with our decoy for only a brief moment using the screen name, Angeldark.”
Angeldark: What did you say you did for a living?
Decoy101: I’m a wrestling promoter!
Angeldark: Really? I’m on my way!
Decoy101: Don’t you want my address?
Decoy101: Hello?
Decoy101:Hello?????
Decoy101: Oh Crap
X-Rated: “Somehow Drain managed to find out house even though we never gave him the address, we aren’t even sure how he got there exactly, all we do know is when he showed up, he was in his wrestling gear ready to go, and this is where I came in.”
{Drain just walks into the house like he owns it and starts wrestling with the pillows on the couch before Chris walks in.}
X-Rated: “Excuse me, would you mind coming and sitting down over here please, I would like to ask you a few questions.”
{Drain drops the pillow from his mouth and walks towards the bar stool, which he body slams}
X-Rated: “Alright, close enough I guess. What brought you here today?”
Drain: “I’m here to wrestle, but don’t expect me to sign a contract, as I can’t read or write, you can just pay me every time I show up.”
X-Rated: “Right, and why would I do that?”
Drain: “Because, I’m a wrestler, and I’m good, I live in a big house, with all my family in it. We are a very loving family, if you know what I mean, and you are a wrestling promoter.”
X-Rated: “Listen, this is already way to weird even for me, so I’m going to just tell you that I’m Chris Cantsing with Bateline DNC and we are doing a story about online pretenders that pawn themselves off as having real talent. Now, normally this would be where I would give you a chance to say something else, but frankly I’m afraid of what will come out of your mouth next, so I’m just going to ask you to leave now.”
Drain: “I have a hall of the dead in my house, it’s a very loving room too, If you know what I mean.”
{Chris slowly backs away from Drain before hiding in a different room.}
X-Rated: “After wrestling with the fire poker, a broom and a can of cola, Drain leaves the house, but before he leaves the property he wrestles with a Lawn Nome, which ending up kicking his ass, and sending him running home screaming, it was just weird. But the worst was yet to come. Meet this man.”
X-Rated: “We will call him Arslick, we meet him in a chat room using the screen name notafraud81. He chatted with our decoy for hours, and I’m mean hours, he just wouldn’t leave us alone, he keep going and going and going and going and well you get the point, the guy just wouldn’t shut up, we tried I don’t know how many time, in about 5 different languages and he just wouldn’t shut up, and he just kept saying the same thing over again.”
notafraud81: I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!
Decoy101: I’m sure you could have
notafraud81: I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!
Decoy101: Alright, I believe you
notafraud81: I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!
Decoy101: I never said you were, or that you couldn’t
notafraud81: I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!
Decoy101: Alright, I’m going to go now alright
notafraud81: I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!
notafraud81: I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!
notafraud81: I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!
notafraud81: I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!
notafraud81: I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!
Decoy101: ALRIGHT, I GET THE POINT!
notafraud81: I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!
X-Rated: “Honestly, it just goes on like that, that’s all he said, over and over and over again, no matter what we tried to do, that’s all he said, we logged off, and came back on several hours later and he started all over again. Finally we sent him a virus so his computer crashed, how were we to know that he would drive all the way from Sioux Falls, on his Moped? But he did, he showed up and I had to step in.”
{Chris walks out as Arslick walks into the house.}
X-Rated: “Oh wow, um have a seat let’s talk.”
Arslick: “I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!”
X-Rated: “Sure, so what brought you here?”
Arslick: “I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!”
X-Rated: “okay then, right, so why do you think you have any real talent?”
Arslick: “I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!”
X-Rated: “Alright, well I think you should know that I’m Chris Cantsing, and I’m with Bateline DNC, and we are doing a story on online pretenders. If you would like to say anything else now is your chance, if not you are free to go.”
Arslick: “I’m not a fraud, I could have done it on my own!”
X-Rated: “Alright, that does it, I’m going to kick your….”
{After several moments of the Standby screen, Chris reappears on the screen.}
X-Rated: “So after two days, and a large amount of wasted money that the network will never see back, we concluded our investigation into the world of pretenders. We have learned that anyone, at anytime could be come a victim to a pretender, and your best defense against it is to learn what True Talent really is, and avoid long term exposure to pretenders when possible, because you to could become a victim and believe that they are the real deal. For Bateline DNC, I’m Chris Cantsing.”
-=The screen fades to black=-