Ororo sighs. It's a plea for me to confide in her, bare my soul, and despite all my hesitation there is nothing I want to do more.  "You know if I start I might not be able to stop."  I kid facing her.
    "That is a risk I am willing to take," she teases back.
    I have no idea where to begin, so much has happened in what seems like a short  time.  Finding the right place, or any place to start is too great a task but finally I just blurt out the only cognizable thought inside my head.  "Do you ever wonder what we'd be doing now if Charles had not came into our lives?"  I ask.
    Ororo nods, "Sometimes."
    "I've been thinking about it a lot more lately.  Wondering about the what ifs and where'd we all be."
    "Why?"
    It's a simple question, but one with a complicated answer.  "I'm not certian.  There has always been a part of me that wanted more than just a life as an X-Men, and for short periods that's happened.  But something always comes up and we're back  where we didn't want to be."
    The slip of my tongue,  the mention of Scott, of us, went undetected by myself but not by Ororo.  "We?  You mean you and Scott."
    "Yeah I guess."  It was hard to talk about Scott even to Ororo.  So much had changed between us. "Scott and I had our opportunity to start a life together that was just about us, but then Scott 'died' and... nothings been the same."
An expression of worry consumes Ororo's features.  She's aware my marriage to Scott is going through some difficult times but no one realizes how strained things truly are.  I know what she'll ask next.  One doesn't need to be a telepath to figure that much out.  "Things with Scott haven't really improved since we last spoke.  In fact," I add with a sad chuckle "they may be worse."
    "Why would you think that?"
    "We're growing further and further apart each day, and I think that's what he wants.  The only time we really talk to one another is when we're involved in a mission, and at that he's usually stale and cool.  Whenever I attempt to talk to him he invents an excuse why it isn't a good time, or he gets upset and stalks off.  I've tried and tried and tried with him but each time he shuts down.  How can I be married to a man I can't recognize and yet want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him?"
    "Oh Jean.  I am sorry.  I did not know things were so..."  Her voice trails off.  She understands there isn't anything she can say to comfort me.
    "It's okay."  I tell her in an attempt to dissuade her concern, knowing full well it won't work.  "We should go back inside.  You should get some rest."
    "As I have already told you I am fine.  Being outside actually makes me feel better. It is such a divine day."  She responds clearly not wanting to return to the confines of her bed.  For several minuets I watch as she closes her eyes and lets the sun bath her dark smooth skin.  She is completely relaxed and at one with nature. Being out here is doing more good then any medication doctors may offer.  "What are you going to do?"
    "About what?"  I say forgetting for a moment our conversation and my troubles.
    "About Scott.  You can't let this continue.  You deserve better than that."
    "I know.  I feel my emotions gnawing away at me, influencing my actions and words I speak.  But I can't turn my back on him or us.  Not yet.  Not with all we have been through and all we have survived."
    "Sometimes we must do things we had not imagined possible."

    "When we all thought Scott had died."  I begin, the memories of that time playing out in my mind like it was only yesterday.  "I didn't know how I was going to get through it.  It felt like I was being buried alive and I couldn't pull myself out. At the time I couldn't imagine feeling anything more painful but I can now.  Night after night I lay down to sleep beside Scott and every time I feel nothing from him.  It's like living in a never-ending nightmare.  I spend all my time just waiting for the moment when he finally comes to me and says all the things I have been desperate to hear.  To have him take me into his arms and never let me go.  To feel his soft gentle lips upon mine and know he loves me still.  But it isn't going to happen.  Not now, in the future or perhaps ever.  It's was like a knife viscously ripping into my gut when I realized the dream I had been living has faded away and the only thing I am left with is the shell of what use to be.  Each time he shuts me out the knife goes in deeper and deeper, tearing away bits and pieces of me."
    "Jean, I can't even imagine what you are going through or what Scott must have endured when he was gone.  But you and Nathan found him.  You brought him back from the brink of losing himself.  He wanted to be saved or else he would have been lost long before you were able to find him.  That has to mean something."
    "I thought so too... once."
    "Perhaps he still needs more time."
    I feel a sudden rush of anger rise inside me, throwing off the emotional balance I have worked so hard to create and maintain over these last few months.  Ororo can see it too.  "More time?"  I say heatedly, unable to control myself.  "I have been waiting and waiting.  Each day I hope my prayers are finally going to be answered and each day I am slapped in the face by reality.  Then, just when I am ready to finally give up on everything that my life has been based on, I witness a tiny glimpse of the man thought lost to me.  It only lasts a fraction of a moment but it's enough to crush any doubts I've had and then I am left to start the cycle all over again.  Do you know what that does to me?"
The anger is getting more intense, threatening to turn into out of control rage.  Inside me I feel something else too.  Something strange but familiar, wanting to explode to the surface.  I struggle to restrain it but it is so damn intoxicating.
    "Jean," Her words echo inside my head.  "Are you alright?"
I have to ignore her for the moment needing instead to concentrate on not losing control to this force within me.  I don't know if it is good or evil but something about it frightens me to the core.  Permitting whatever it is to be set free could be allowing history to repeat itself and I'd rather die than to be responsible for the devastation which could occur.  Finally, after several minuets the urges beings to lessen,  then it dissipates completely as though it hadn't existed in the first place.  Taking in a long deep breath I collect my thoughts and try to put on a strong face for my friend. She's not fooled and her pained look assures me there is no way to masquerade the events that just transpired.  She moves closer but is still weak from her own ordeal and I quickly reach out to stop her.  "I'm fine."  I smile but it's a poor attempt.
    "What happened?"
    Taking a seat beside her I try to explain as best I can.  "I'm not really sure.  For a while now I've noticed my telepathic and telekinetic abilities getting increasingly stronger.  Things that once drained me barely affect me now. It's becoming harder and harder to find tasks which cause me to become exhausted.  There are times... when I feel that there is this... element inside me... and I'm just a pawn in it's plan."
    "Logan has told me your abilities have getting increasingly more powerful..."
    "He's concerned?"  I asked quickly cutting her off.
    She ponders her answer for a moment, not wishing to say the wrong things but not wanting to be dishonest either.  "He is troubled.  He doesn't believe you are being completely truthful and because of that you are going to end up hurt... or worse.  And after witnessing what just went on I too I am concerned.  What does Charles think?"
    "I haven't really spoken to him about this.  He's aware that I have been 'evolving', but he doesn't realizes the extent."
    "Jean!" She blurts out before she can manage to compose herself.   "You need to be honest with him.  He is the only one who has the abilities that can help you.  He would want to know and I think he would be offended to learn you have been keeping this from him."
    "He's been very busy.  We all have.  Between the changes at the school and the problems with some of the students there hasn't been a good time to sit down and talk with him.  Besides I am not sure if he'll be able to help me and there is so much more going on with us both that this isn't that important."
    It was a lie but I didn't want talk about this now.  Not with Ororo.  Not with anyone really.  Whatever may be changing inside of me I'll be the one to take care of it.  When it becomes too great a task for me then I'll seek out Charles.  Right now though I need to concentrate on other events in my life like my crumbling marriage.  Once I am able to resolve the root of my emotional chaos then I am hopeful the other issues will take care of them selves.
    "Although I would rather not disagree with you I do not think you are as concerned over this as you should be.  You are fighting a battle with yourself to which the outcome could be disastrous for both yourself and…"
    "I am well aware of the consequences, but I believe I know what the cause is and I am going to take care of that first."
    " Scott?"
    "Yes, Scott."
    "Are you sure you really believe Scott is somehow connected to these events? Or are you just using that as an excuse so you will not have to deal with the alternatives."
    "Please trust me.  You are the only person who I have left that I can bare my soul to."
    "I do trust you.  It is just that I am very frightened for you."
    "I swear to my friend."  I say placing my hand upon her arm.  "I will be fine.  I just hope I get the chance to talk to Scott before he…"
 
    I stop myself quickly not wanting to put words to a deep-rooted suspicion I have had for some time.  Ororo inquires about what I didn't say and despite my initial hesitation and fear that saying it aloud will make it happen I am aware she is the one person I can confide in.  "I think Scott may be having or about to have an affair?"
    "What?"  Is all she manages to say.
    "We've grown so far apart that I don't even know if he still loves me.  I've noticed the way he looks at her and…"
Ororo interrupts me, her curiosity getting the best of her.  "Who?"
    "Emma."  Ororo's angered expression tells me she shares my feelings about the women.  "She's made it perfectible obvious that she wants my husband and he wants her too.  I've sensed it."  Again there is a swell of anger as my mind creates and runs through images so vile and devastating that I need to step away from my dear friend and gather myself for a moment.  It wouldn't be a complete shock to learn something had happened between them but it would destroy me.  For the man who I have loved almost all of my life to betray me, with Emma Frost of all people, the whore, it would shatter my world.  I think I could handle him walking out of my life, it would take a long time to accept it but I could deal with it.  But to have him make a mockery out of the vows we took...  desecrate all that we have meant to one another... destroy the lives we've built together… there'd be no way I could live with that.
    "Jean," I hear softly from behind me.  "I have known you  and Scott for many years.  I consider us family.  And through all the years I have never seen you like this."
    I am startled by her words.  "I have never been lucky enough to find the kind of love you and Scott have been blessed to share."  She continues.  " I can only imagine how painful it must be to feel that slipping away.  But you can not allow yourself to be consumed by your emotions.."
    "Ororo that's not..."
    "Look at yourself.  Although you won't admit it, you are scared something is happening which you will not be able to contain.  Your marriage is falling apart.  Things at the school are in chaos.  You are not talking to anyone about any of this.  You are allowing all those that care about you to believe you are fine, but you are not."
With each truth she speaks I can feel more and more moisture in my eyes, and despite my best efforts tears begin to flow.  I hate when that happens.  I feel weak and ashamed.  My first response is to lash out at my friend.  But I fight that urge.  "My dear friend, you must find a way to resolve these issues before it becomes too late.  Don't allow yourself to be lost."
    And just like that, as if the heavens above had opened up to me, for the first time I know exactly what I need to do.!