1 - Nothingness
Tara
Dawn won't talk to us, this first night after. She just sits, staring at something the rest of us can't see, or maybe just staring at the nothingness we all feel.
Spike's gone on a Chinese food mission, though he doesn't eat and none us feels like eating. I think he probably just wants to get out of the house.
I can't blame him.
Willow and Xander are holding on; at least they've stopped crying for now.
Giles…. Giles is devastated.
We try to stay cheery – it's not like we don't want to laugh.
It's just that nothing seems funny.
2 – Calling Angel
Angel
I love my job; I hate my office. More accurately, I hate this run-down hotel, and that I have no resources and, hey, the chair behind my desk isn't even all that comfortable. Mostly, I hate my telephone.
This time, I let the phone ring twice before I answer. "Angel Investigations."
"Angel? This is Rupert Giles."
Oh. "Yes?"
"I'm sorry to call you under these circumstances, but—"
I speak in monosyllables for the remainder of our awkward conversation. When I hang up the phone, I sit for a minute before rising, grabbing a sword.
I have to kill something.
3 – Morning Has Broken
Spike
Would never have made a good poet. Didn't know the first bloody thing about funerals, then. Always assumed it rained for them, heavens weeping and all that rot.
It doesn't rain when they bury her – it's a brilliant California day – and so I'm stuck in the sodding shadows, watching the lot of them touch her casket one last time, wishing to God or the Devil or whoever I'm allowed to wish to that I could be there too.
But I live in the shadows. I kill in the shadows. I'm damned to the shadows.
I love her from the shadows.
4 – Drinks for Two
Giles
I suspect it will be some time before we return to any patterns resembling those of our past lives. The Scoobies have been out patrolling, of course, and I've been at my books, seeking their leather bindings and cool pages. These are sure. These will not disappear. These will not destroy my world.
"Rupert?"
Only one person on this side of the Atlantic calls me that. "Spike," I say, without looking up.
"Listen, mate, you have any more of that scotch? You know—"
"In there," I say. "And be so kind as to fetch me a glass as well."
5 – Hugs and Kisses
Willow
Xander buys me a bag of chocolate. The world almost ended, a gaping void swallowed Buffy into Hell, and with an apologetic expression, Xander stands before me, holding out a bag of Hershey's hugs and kisses.
"You want one?" he asks. "You haven't really eaten anything, and…."
I grab the package and rip it open, spilling tiny foil-wrapped chocolates across the floor. I've stuffed three candies into my mouth before I think to thank him.
When I look up at him, his eyes fill, and then I'm in his arms, craving his hug more than the chocolate ones.
"Love you."
6 – Summer Reading
Dawn
I have a summer reading list. I swear, all teachers must've gotten together at the beginning of time and created rules for teenaged torture….
....was i there at the
beginning of time?
But ugh – Shakespeare. Romeo and Juliet. Enough to fry my brain.
I'm curled on the couch, confused by stupid Capulets and Montagues, when Spike comes in, sees me, and flips the book over to look at the cover. Without comment, he takes the play, sits, and starts reading at the top of the page. The words suddenly make sense.
I fall asleep to the sound of his voice.
7 – Almost Normal
Xander
Anya and I spoon together like two normal people, enjoying a normal evening of television-induced brain annihilation. And then my sleep-fogged mind reviews the last week, the last year – my entire life – and I know that normal and Xander are definitely not two words that will ever be used in the same sentence.
Am I supposed to be the Man of the House now? Giles knows more about demons; Spike's a better fighter. I'm just That Guy, the comic relief who supplies weapons and stands on the fringes.
And then Anya kisses me and my thoughts wave a cheerful goodbye.
8 – Magic Boxes
Anya
I don't know what Giles is going to do now that he has no ties to Sunnydale, but I wish he'd decide already. I have to be extra cheerful for customers so they don't leave when they see him.
Still, I can't precisely tell him to go. He is, after all, the owner of the Magic Box.
"Giles, are you all right?" I ask.
He stares straight through me. I set a hand on his arm.
"Giles?"
"Anya." He's hugging me, and I hug him back because that is what he wants.
Do I want this? Humans are so complicated!
9 – Watching the Watcher
Tara
Giles is silent for a long time after he sets the phone down in its cradle.
"That was the Watchers' Council," he says at last. "They…they would like for me to return to England."
"Because Buffy's dead," Dawn says flatly.
He looks shocked for a moment, then nods. "Yes, Dawn." Before he finishes speaking, Dawn has bolted out the front door, probably to see Spike.
"I wish we could bring her back," whispers Willow.
"So do I," Xander agrees.
Giles polishes his glasses on his shirt. I don't say anything. There is nothing to say.
We all want her back.
10 – Catching On
Xander
We went out to dust vampires tonight. Once again, the Scoobies do the fight evil save world thing.
Except tonight the vamps asked about Buffy.
"Where's your Slayer?" said Big Vamp. "Why don't she come out to play?"
"She's busy," I lied. "She doesn't have time to waste dusting two fledglings like you." Which ranked negative points on the comeback scale.
"I ain't seen her in a week," Small Vamp said. These weren't brilliant demons, but they understood quickly enough while only processing one thought at a time.
I dusted them easily. But if they're wondering, then others are too.
11 – A Fighting Chance
Spike
"Teach me how to fight." Bite-sized has never asked me for anything and it doesn't look like she's going to start now.
"Why?"
"I'm tired of being helpless."
"You're anything but helpless, Bit."
"Everyone else is good for something, but I just get in the way."
I want to explain that she's the reason I fight, but decide against explaining that to a 14-year-old. I've lived for a century: teenaged girls have always been a bloody contradictory mess. "Sunset at the training room?" I ask.
She grins, all freckles and brown hair and lankiness. "I'll pound you into the floor."
12 – Illusion
Giles
One of the first lessons a watcher learns is how to separate truth from illusion. The world in which we operate is fraught with dreams masquerading as reality; it is our duty to assist those in capable of making the distinction.
The Buffy-shaped robot that Willow has repaired is a travesty. It is not Buffy. And yet, a part of me wishes that it were.
I cannot allow myself to think that way. It is a tool, no more, no less.
A tool whose voice undoes me, whose face cripples me. This cannot continue. This illusion has no place here.
13 – Unrequited
Buffybot
After Willow finishes repairing me, I go to see Spike. I miss him.
He is asleep in his crypt when I got there, so I sit on the end of his sarcophagus and watch him. When his blue eyes open, I smile. He is still pretty. I tell him so.
"Buffy?" he mumbles. He blinks many times, and then he sits up and scrambles away to stand beyond the other side of the sarcophagus. "You."
"Yes, me." I smile again.
"Get the fuck out," he growls. "Don't come back."
I leave, but I don't understand. Doesn't he love me anymore?
14 – Lost
Willow
Spike stalks into the house, furious. "What the fuck are you playing at, Red?" he snarls. "What the bloody hell is that robot doing running, much less in my crypt?"
She remembered his crypt? I thought I'd removed the, well, Spike-related programming. My mouth opens while he bounces on his toes before me, lips pressed into a livid line. "I'm sorry?" I try.
"Why?" Suddenly, he sounds so lost.
"We can't let the demons know she's…gone."
His broken eyes meet mine. "When I woke up, I saw it…thought for a minute…."
"It won't happen again." That is a solemn promise.
15 – Out on the Road Again
Anya
Now that we patrol with the Buffybot, the demons back off a little when they see us coming. Still, we can't be too careful. Some of them realize that it's not actually Buffy, when it sparks or when they come close enough to smell it. Then we have to be sure to kill them before they escape.
I love fighting now. I used to hate it, because it hurt and ruined my clothes and made Xander too tired. But now the hurt is good.
I may not be a demon anymore, but I am still an expert at exacting vengeance.
16 – Focus
Oak Tree, 1630 Revello Drive
I have stood here for a time longer than the young ones' memories. This house is mine to watch, to understand. Its fragility concerns me.
The white-haired one no longer watches the fair one from beneath my branches – the ash of his discarded cigarettes lies cold.
The sunrise child, who shone bright with the promise of youth, now moves without grace.
The red-topped one and her lover turn away from their communion with the Earth. I fear they attempt magics beyond their control.
The fair one is replaced by a machine.
So flows time – day to night to new day.
A/N: I wasn't sure what
kind of tree it was (you know, the one Spike sets up camp under during his Stalker!Spike days), so I made it
an oak. If you actually happen to know
what kind of tree it really is, please tell me so I can correct
accordingly. Thanks.
17 – Bartending
Willy
I own a bar. And I mean I own this place. My name's out front, my hands handle drinks that come through – standard human beverages and other...specialized products. And since I'm there, I overhear stuff; I see dynamics change.
When Spike starts coming again, I notice, because where he goes, business dies. Literally.
He isn't here for blood or fighting, though. He's here for alcohol. Funny thing is, he doesn't get drunk like he used to. Almost like he's got someone waiting at home.
He acts weird, like he's looking for something.
Maybe he's just obsessed with another hopeless girl.
18 – Thirty — Love
Xander
Anya tells me that we should do more as a couple. She suggests planning our finances; I suggest watching football. Our compromise: tennis.
Tennis courts are a lot bigger than they look on TV. If you stand in the middle of one side, you'll get maybe a quarter of the shots that come over the net.
Anya beats me almost every time. I don't mind. She's naturally good at this sort of thing.
"Come on, hit me another," I yell. "This time I'm going to win."
And I realize I'm grinning for the first time in what feels like forever.
19 – Hearts Go On
Tara
I've never told Willow how I love watching her sleep. She's beautiful when she's at peace, her red hair framing her face, her sharp green eyes shielded, her pretty lips smiling slightly.
I love her so much, and I can't wait until morning to tell her that.
I kiss her awake, feathering my lips across her eyelids. "Willow, I love you."
"Tara?" she asks groggily. "Tara, is something wrong?"
"No," I say. "I just wanted to tell you."
Willow smiles. "I love you."
Her arms come around me, warm and secure, and I spend the night listening to her breathe.
20 – Bump in the Night
Dawn
I spend a lot of time in the dark. I sleep days and stay up nights so I'm on Spike's schedule. He's teaching me to fight – I help him patrol for new fledglings.
He pretends my patrolling doesn't scare him, but on off nights, he's Mr. obsesso!trainer.
Once, when a vamp got close to biting me, he went completely off on me and then he almost cried.
Which is scary, I mean, Spike crying?
He hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe and said, "Can't lose you."
"You won't," I said. "You're my best friend."
Funny thing is, it's true.
21 – Counting Mornings
Giles
It's taken me such a short time to settle here. I thought I'd be forever attached to England, to the land where I was born and raised, but somehow California has wormed its way into my heart and taken up ineradicable residence therein.
Days pass; each one of them is bringing me one step closer to the inevitable return to London and to the Watchers' Council.
I thought I would want to return. I'll look up old schoolmates; I'll spend time with the distant relations I've not seen in years.
This should make me happy.
Instead, I dread each morning.
22 – Diversion
Spike
It's funny how we're suddenly a we now that she's gone. I'm part of their team now.
Doesn't mean I can't snipe.
"Hey look, it's the Bleached Wonder, come to visit the mortals," Xander says when I walk in.
"Don't bother with the adulation," I say. "Gets old after a century."
"Adulation?"
I shrug. "Bleached Wonder and all. Been given a lot more creative titles. This girl in France—"
Xander holds up a hand. "Please."
But Dawn winks at me. "Was she the one who—"
"Oh, I'm going to be sick."
For ten seconds, I can almost forget.
23 – Rising
Willow
R.
Renewal. Rejuvenation. Regeneration. Revitalization. Restoration. Restitution.
Resurrection.
Pretty words for pretty ideas. They fit into pretty sentences, condolences, prayers.
But when it comes down to it, the rebirth? Not so rebirthy. Just ask a newly risen vampire or a Slayer who's not going to rise.
Or the witch who's spending hours researching, trying to figure out what it takes to bring a person back from the dead in one piece.
Trying to figure out if she's got enough in her to do it.
Because let's face it, I want her back. We want her back.
We need her back.
24 – Partners, Then?
Anya
"You already have three cases of eagles' eyes," I remind Giles when four more cases arrive at the Magic Box. "Unless everyone in Sunnydale is planning to perform vision-enhancing spells, you won't need these."
He looks up at me blankly. "Pardon?"
"We have too many eagles' eyes."
Returning to his book, he says, "Stack them in the back, then."
"You're never going to turn a profit."
"I'll be off to England in a few months."
"I'd take care of the shop. I'd do a good job."
"Very well." But his voice is disinterested.
I sigh. "I'll draw up a contract."
24 – Looking/Seeing
Buffybot
They look at me sometimes: at my body to check for injuries when I fall and at my head to check the confusion when I get mixed up.
But they don't see me.
Spike doesn't see me. Giles doesn't see me. Dawn and Xander and Anya don't see me.
Sometimes I think Willow sees me when she helps fix me, but then her lips are always tight and her face is ugly yellow with her red hair and she is unhappy.
Tara sees me, but she sees everyone, so I shouldn't be surprised.
They look at me.
I see them.
25 – Come Home Again
Xander
"I can get her back."
Willow's standing there saying something else that's probably important, but all I can process is her first sentence.
She cuffs me lightly on the shoulder and repeats herself. "I can get her back."
My questions are of the "What do you need?" and "How soon?" variety. She answers briefly.
It's…businesslike.
It's only later, when I'm lying in bed curled around a sleeping Anya, that I realize what Willow means.
Buffy, alive. Walking, talking, living color.
Pulling her out of the Hell she's in, setting her back in the world she deserves.
We owe her that.
26 – In Dreams
A/N: Yeah, the last line
is ripped off, but I could imagine Spike and Dawn having the same dreams about
that night, so I stole it for both of them to use.
Dawn&Spike
She wasn't supposed to die. It was supposed to be me. They wanted me, but all I could do is screw up because that's what I always do.
Fail.
Because there was screaming wind loud noise big evil, and all I wanted was to curl up tight and scream back but I couldn't stop it, and then there was just whitepaindeath and oh God.
And I could've stopped it.
I failed. And I crawl into bed to sleep because sometimes when I dream it's okay.
Sometimes I die, but they don't miss me as much.
Every night I save her.