Final
She's dead, and there's nothing I can do about it. The cynical voice echoed through my head until it was all I could hear. Dead, dead, you failed her, she's dead, it taunted, dredging up my worst memories, the images of all the fights we've had, all the angry words we've shouted at each other.
I'm sorry. Really, I am.
I wish I could tell you that.
It's always the deaths of the ones you really care about that take the abstract idea of war and make it real. I know that for an absolute certainty; it's sure as hell real this time. I know, because it hurts.
I loved her, no, I love her. I don't think anything can ever change that, and I don't want anything to change that. There's nothing exactly like the bond we shared, nothing quite like the times we went through together. There's nothing like seeing your kids for the first time. There's nothing like coming back from a long day and knowing that your wife's going to be there, and that your kids are going to run and hug you with smiles on their faces. There's nothing like calling someplace home after countless years of running around the Galaxy.
I love you, sweetheart.
The kids are standing next to me, watching the casket. My oldest looks wonderful in her uniform; her brothers have grown up with a lot of my facial features. I have to stop studying them. Every little movement they make, every little smile or frown, they all remind me of her.
Not that I could ever forget anyway.
They're saying something up there next to her. Probably a speech about how wonderful she was and how great it was that she could contribute her life to the Galaxy. I'd give it all away for one more hour, one more minute with her. Every single thing we've ever done, I'd give it all away. There's nothing I'd rather do than order all these people out of this room and just sit by her and cry. But that would be frowned upon by all the people who are just here to watch me.
I have a reputation to uphold, after all. I'm supposed to be untouchable.
Our first meeting was hardly romantic, honey. Do you remember that? All those years ago? We hit it off, didn't we? Avoided each other for weeks afterward. But there was something about you that stopped me from giving up on you even when there was a lot easier game out there. Any number of women would have loved to be my wife, and I had to go after the one who couldn't stand the sight of me.
What did you see?
I didn't deserve one minute of all that you gave me. I didn't deserve the kids or the position of General or the dances. I didn't deserve you. I didn't deserve for you to die.
Death is so final.
But I hope I meet you somewhere, Princess. I don't know how long I can live without you. I don't think I want to live without you. Sure, I have plenty to live for, but you were a good portion of that plenty. You know what? I think I'll se you again for the simply reason that I refuse to not see you again. If it means crossing a river or braving a volcano or whatever else various religions claim is the path to Heaven, I'm gonna find you. I love you too much not to. I love you, Leia Organa Solo.
Don't you dare forget that.